My Boyfriend's Friend With Benefits

[michelle23]

You would not have done that, he would. You're thinking like a girl.

She is. She didn't like what was happening, she came here for advice, she communicated with him that she felt disrespected and now he is aware and is doing SOMEthings to try and alleviate her concerns. Keep in mind you can lead a horse to water but you can't make her drink. It's human nature to want to make things work with someone you love and if they don't, she will likely leave when she feels she's done everything she could to try and make things work for the two of them.

No disrespect, but you're being like a dog on a bone here, trying to get her to dump him. She has your's and everyone's opinions, thoughts and advice. Up to her how she handles her life now.

Cheers.
.

Have you seen the heart broken men on this website? They do not run to their nearest female friend and f**k her. I know for a fact my bf would not do that. He told me himself that if we ever split, he would stay on his own for a few years until hes over it and I believe him.. I would do the same. In fact, he does not have any female friends and I have no male friends...

I am trying to give her good advice like everyone else here. I did not tell her to leave him. I gave her ideas on how to figure out if he is lying or not. It is her choice and I am not trying to force her. I am trying to help and I feel I give good advice to everyone on here and take my time to make sure it is not bad advice before I submit it. At the end of the day though, it has only been 6 months and if she already has to deal with all this BS, that is not a good sign for the future.

[Wakeup]

Have you seen the heart broken men on this website? They do not run to their nearest female friend and f**k her.

Some do. They say it helps them to get past their pain. Not all people think the same way, believe it or not. Personally, I think taking the time to heal is the better route to take, but if you just want to scratch an itch with someone you trust and have no emotional attachment to, then FWB's and FB's are the current going concern(s).

I know for a fact my bf would not do that. He told me himself that if we ever split, he would stay on his own for a few years until hes over it and I believe him..

That's your boyfriend..(not op's boyfriend) and saying and doing are two different things. As we all know, words without action... are just words.

I would do the same. In fact, he does not have any female friends and I have no male friends...

What, not even that you both hang with, like your BFF's boyfriend etc?

I am trying to give her good advice like everyone else here. I did not tell her to leave him. I gave her ideas on how to figure out if he is lying or not.

I see it differently. You're trying to convince her that she should go. Which is fine, just like me telling her that she needs to give it time to see if he values her enough to drop the female friend, is fine. I'm just trying to reassure her because she's angst ridden enough over the situation without the prejudice.

It is her choice and I am not trying to force her.

yes, it is her choice.

I am trying to help and I feel I give good advice to everyone on here and take my time to make sure it is not bad advice before I submit it. At the end of the day though, it has only been 6 months and if she already has to deal with all this BS, that is not a good sign for the future.

Yes, you've said that. Up to her now. Time to see if he values her enough to listen to what she's had to say about the situation and actually do something to resolve their problem.

[michelle23]

Yes I do talk to my friends boyfriends and also my boyfriends friends etc but I do not meet up with them alone for hours and tell my bf hes not allowed come with me lol. Lets just agree to disagree here. I'm entitled to my opinion just like you are entitled to yours. The OP comes here for advice to get a different point of view off everyone and based on all our advice-it may help her make a decision about what she is going to do next

[Wakeup]

Yes I do talk to my friends boyfriends and also my boyfriends friends etc but I do not meet up with them alone for hours and tell my bf hes not allowed come with me lol.

... and, that's the way (in both your's and mine opinion) how it should be when in an exclusive relationship. Op has pointed that out to her bf, now lets wait and see what happens next.

Dance.. please keep us informed on what's going on. Your situation is becoming more and more common with your generation and nothing ever good comes from such arrangements. Hopefully, your bf will understand, empathize and then cut out the nonsense. If he doesn't, well at least you know you tried and can get on with your life without him in it, that much quicker for having done so.

[michelle23]

Best of luck dance. Let us know how it goes

[DrDotPhillius]

Apologies for the late response as I am new to the forum. Similar backgrounds? Justifications for them being friends? He does not want to lose what he has? Listen... They fxcked in the past, they were fxcking when you guys took a break, their prolly still fxcking and their gonna keep on fxcking. This is why he can't stop seeing her. It's not because he doesn't have many friends and he's afraid to lose the ones that he has because if he was afraid of losing what he has, he'd pick your happiness over her vagina. They fxck. You love him. Nothing else should really matter to you but being happy with him. The same should apply with him. But it doesn't. Instead he's putting her old vagina over your happiness.

By the looks of things, this woman has to be experienced when it comes to sex. She's been with three other guys while you were with your bf and your boyfriend is one of them. She knows what he wants. To hell with their similar backgrounds. To hell with his friends. YOU COME FIRST.

Im am no more naive then you are. I came to this forum for the same reasons that you did; being blindly in love and trying to see only what I want to see and I'm learning how hard it is to see things for what they really are when your in love. I'm learning that I'm not the only person with problems similar to yours. But I do know this for a fact. If I were in your shoes I'd drop this fxcker like a hot tomalie because in my opinion your relationship is flawed because you guys are friends with your exes.

I despise cheaters with a passion. I hope and pray that I don't ever become one. Draw your line. Give him his options. It's either you or that infidel homewrecking whore. Her vagina or yours. And cut your exes. An ex is an ex for a reason. No exes. After you draw the line give him some time. Let him tell her that you are his life, his Earth, his everything. If this problem significantly persists after you've drawn your line, then you already know what to do; leave and don't look back. No more contact, no more chances no mercy. And don't forget to get tested. I am a firm believer of being innocent until proven guilty. Give him a chance if he blows it you know what to do...

[lulalace]

Woah. Petal, you need to open your eyes a little. I'm speaking from someone who is going through the same thing, only this time, I would be in your boyfriend's shoes. I don't want to be rude, and I don't want to say this is EXACTLY what is going on here, but he wants to be around her alone for a reason. If not for sex, then they have a connection. Deeper than just friendship. They're probably too close and he does not want to give this up.

He may be with you because he loves you to an extent, is attracted to you, but it sounds to me that it's just more comfortable being with you and being able to keep her on the sidelines too. No one wants to be the type of girlfriend that tells their other half what to do, but if you feel that you HAVE to, then there is obviously a reason for it. He should have enough decency to not be spending time alone with this woman, especially after sleeping with her. I know my current partner does not like me seeing my ex. I am not sleeping with him, but I have serious adoration for him and would happily lie and cuddle with him watching a film or something. It doesn't seem wrong because he has been in my life for nearly ten years and we're very comfortable together.

You know men and women are always going to be different, and if he is the alpha male type like you say, and would get angry or defensive easily if you suggested he stopped spending time alone with her, then you know what you need to do. He is not what you need. He might seem like he is all you need, but sweetheart, you're much better off out of there. Don't allow him to act like he can have the comfort of a girlfriend, but act single on the side.

This is what my current partner does,and for all the shit he is giving me, I am repaying him with spending time with my ex. (Some serious issues needing addressed in our relationship wouldn't you say?)

Seriously, you need out of that. If he is not willing to stop seeing her, then you know the score.

[chammie]

This is the type of guy who knows your worth but does not know how to respect and give importance to the value you possess in his life.

Are you going to stick with this guy and be UNCOMFORTABLE for the rest of your life? Do damage control today. I know you have a lot of concerns/considerations why you CAN'T MOVE... if you know you can live without him, then I guess that's enough reason to put an end to this. Teach him that lesson he needs to learn.

[DanceMe]

Time to see if he values her enough to listen to what she's had to say about the situation and actually do something to resolve their problem.

Thank you Wakeup...

As for an update

I have not written because I've been trying to see how things progress.

Well tomorrow is Valentines Day. We already had a very nice celebration, but there was talk of doing a little more on Valentines.

However, I don't quite know what to think tonight. He is acting very withdrawn, almost panicky. I have no idea what will happen now for tommorrow.

My worst fear tells me he saw her again today and doesn't want to tell me, but that is only a guess. Previously, I made sure to make it clear that since she is busy that should mean she is too busy for him as well as me. He agreed that he would not see her again alone before us meeting her together.

I am really confused.. He is hot and cold.

[DanceMe]

... and if he is the alpha male type like you say, and would get angry or defensive easily if you suggested he stopped spending time alone with her, then you know what you need to do. He is not what you need. He might seem like he is all you need, but sweetheart, you're much better off out of there. Don't allow him to act like he can have the comfort of a girlfriend, but act single on the side.

Thanks, I do feel that he would react in an angry and defensive way if I made the suggestion he stop seeing her alone. Early on, months ago, when I mentioned I was uncomfortable with them being close (before I learned they had slept together) he jumped at the mere mention I was feeling uneasy about them and immediately said he would not stop seeing her. he said he didn't want to lose a friend.

I'm not sure he has much faith in us. He can be very adamant in his expressions of devotion to me, and then insists on time away from me because he doesn't have the energy to "perform" for me. That was the word he used. I think it is difficult for him to maintain closeness with someone. I'm not sure he can commit. I am worried our relationship will keep stalling because of fears about opening up.

I am beginning to doubt he will actually set up this meeting he promised. If that turns out to be the case, I will have to leave.

[DanceMe]

Dr,

Thank you for your reply and My apologies that I have taken a while to respond. I have been trying to breath some fresh air and stay optimistic.

I appreciate a male perspective in all this. I think that I can relate to your mention of being blindly in love and only seeing what I want to.

I do want to protect myself from more hurt. I also want to be patient and see if he can follow through. If he arranges the meeting then I think it will help me feel more secure in his commitment to me and us. I also feel that he should be happy to focus on us and taper off his communication with her. He has talked a lot about his commitment to me, now he just needs to follow through....

Like Lulalace said below, I don't like that I HAVE TO ASK that he close things off with this needy drama queen slut. It's already a problem for me that he doesn't see it the same way I do.

As for this: "Let him tell her that you are his life, his Earth, his everything." I can only say, Wow! I wish! Sounds like a dream come true.

[DanceMe]

I have just re-read through the entire thread and it's helped things become a bit more clear. I feel like I need proof from him that he has not been in contact with her. He has not made any mention of this problem in almost 2 weeks. I am beginning to think he may be ignoring it and also forgetting his promises to me about the meeting.

I shouldn't have to deal with doubt. I don't want to be made to just wait and pretend I am not thinking about this. I am able to put it aside at times, but the worry resurfaces and I have doubts about his commitment to me and making things work.

He's trying to convince me he is devoted to me, by putting a lot of energy into us, but he is ignoring what I really need which is an openness and willingness to address the source of the problem.

I get the feeling he may be embarrassed to do meeting. That's partly why I want it done actually, so she can see that he is willing to put himself in an obviously uncomfortable position for me and that he is willing to subject that upon his relationship with her, because it would it seems affect the dynamic they currently have. I don't want them to have some kind of exclusive thing going on anymore.

However, I dont think he would give her up, and that hurts me...it makes me want to leave him. I want to be respected and put first. I want my man to not be afraid to be honest with me. I want him to invest his energy into furthering our connection and building our relationship. I want him to be happy to do whatever it takes.

[searock]

A good friend of mine (Susan) was in a similar situation: her boyfriend had this really close female friend (Lucy) whom he met one-on-one on a regular basis, and whom he was uncomfortable meeting with Susan. Susan asked him MANY times to please stop seeing her so often and alone, to be admitted to their "meetings", to hang out with them as a group, but he always found some excuse. Susan eventually told him to choose whether to stop seeing Lucy so often and treating Lucy as if she were another girlfriend of his (emotionally speaking), or to break up with her. He told her "I would never give up what I have with Lucy", so she dumped him and he didn't even try to get her back!

To add: I was once my current bf's "best friend", while he was in a long-distance relationship with another girl... we've been together for over an year and a half.

I think you should be explicit and open with your boyfriend... tell him clearly that you are NOT OK with the relationship he has with his female "best friend" (YOU are supposed to be his best friend), and you think it's highly inappropriate for him to be meeting with another girl alone while in a relationship, especially a girl he used to sleep with. Tell him if this doesn't stop, then your relationship will. If he loves you as he says he does, and you really are the most important person to him (apart from family), then he won't have a doubt as to what he has to do.

[toknow]

You should end this.