Can you *learn* to love someone?

[searock]

If this is what you had with your ex, then that's not what I would call "love of the non romantic kind" (your label) at all. It's codependency and fear of being alone if you actually stay with someone that you have this kind of existence with.

Oh, now I get it (you were talking about my ex, not my current bf). The reason I waited so long to break up with him was guilt of hurting him and making him be alone - his mother was seriously ill and he was fatherless, so basically I was one of the most important persons in his life. Even if it had been fear of being alone, I did love him - I still do, actually. They aren't two mutually exclusive things.

This is what I mean by non-romantic love:

if you love someone you care for them, want them to be happy, are happy that they are part of your life, enjoy spending determined amounts of time with them, etc. You may also be sexually attracted to them, but not necessarily.

Nothing to do with codependency, as you see. A lot of people stay in relationships with partners they love but don't romantically love (my definition), due to a number of reasons.

[HeartIsAching]

What I'm saying is that there is infatuation, non-romantic love, and romantic love.

Lust is a component in infatuation and romantic love, and it can be a component in non-romantic love as well.

No... lust is the desire to **** that person, period. You don't have to have any feelings for them at all beyond that to want that. Well maybe you do, but I don't.

[Wakeup]

I don't think you can eventually become "in love" with them if you don't go through the infatuation stage. Generally, to fall in love with someone you need to love them and to be infatuated with them, and then you actually become "in love" with them (it doesn't always happen, but when it happens, that's how it happens). So if you have never been infatuated with this guy, even if you love him, I don't think you will ever be in love with him.

You can have a good relationship with someone just by loving them and being attracted to them (without being in love with them). However, you put yourself at risk of becoming unsatisfied and feeling like something is missing, at some point.

Sorry, but this is just romantic folly imo (no offence). You are referring to lust and love as being "in love" with that very discription up there, Sea and that is exactly what I warn against when I say you're (the general you are) going to find yourself with many partners if you think you just "love" someone but are'nt "in love" with them. You can fall in love with someone with or without lust even. Sex/lust/infatuation does not a loving partnership make but sex sure does make the time fly. Infatuation can be for someone you love platonically or romantically nor does it need to be in place in order to love or in your case be "in love" with someone. As I said, the hubs and I were totally infatuation with our daughter when she was born and our love for her is platonic. One can **** away with someone and never love them (or in your def. be in love) while being fond of them or as I said liking them.

I'll add that you can learn to love someone you have no attraction to on the onset of meeting them. How do you think emotional affairs begin? There is no love, infatuation or often times even attraction upon the first meet. However, as time goes on and you spend more and more time in their company and you allow yourself to become vulnerable to them . . . It's allowing vulnerability that leads to love.. not infatuation, I think.

[searock]

No... lust is the desire to **** that person, period. You don't have to have any feelings for them at all beyond that to want that. Well maybe you do, but I don't.

I never said there can be no lust without feelings o.O. I just said that lust is a component in infatuation and in romantic love. It is not confined to those two occurrences.

[searock]

Sorry, but this is just romantic folly imo (no offence). You are referring to lust and love as being "in love" with that very discription up there, Sea and that is exactly what I warn against when I say you're (the general you are) going to find yourself with many partners if you think you just "love" someone but are'nt "in love" with them. You can fall in love with someone with or without lust even. Sex/lust/infatuation does not a loving partnership make but sex sure does make the time fly. Infatuation can be for someone you love platonically or romantically nor does it need to be in place in order to love or in your case be "in love" with someone. As I said, the hubs and I were totally infatuation with our daughter when she was born and our love for her is platonic. One can **** away with someone and never love them (or in your def. be in love) while being fond of them or as I said liking them.

I'll add that you can learn to love someone you have no attraction to on the onset of meeting them. How do you think emotional affairs begin? There is no love, infatuation or often times even attraction upon the first meet. However, as time goes on and you spend more and more time in their company and you allow yourself to become vulnerable to them . . . It's allowing vulnerability that leads to love.. not infatuation, I think.

I know you are trying to compartmentalize what I say in order to make it fit into your categories, but I've explained how it is for me: there is infatuation, romantic love (which I call "being in love"), and non-romantic love (which includes, but isn't limited to, platonic love). I do think you can love someone and be attracted to them, but not be in love with them.

You say you were infatuated with your infant daughter but obviously felt no lust for her - fine, then lust may or may not be part of infatuation, it doesn't really matter.

Here's how I see it.

Infatuation:

when you are infatuated with someone you generally don't know them very well, you feel anxious/exhilarated whenever you see them or even just at the thought of seeing them, your heart beats faster and stronger and you feel "the butterflies", you may have trouble falling asleep at night because you can't stop thinking about them, just hearing them say your name can make your heart skip a beat, etc.

Non-romantic love:

if you love someone non-romantically you care for them, want them to be happy, are happy that they are part of your life, enjoy spending determined amounts of time with them, etc. You may also be sexually attracted to them, but not necessarily (in which case, it's called platonic love)

Romantic love (or "being in love"):

In order to be in love with someone you need to know a person extremely well, you need to have amazing communication and have to be emotionally intimate with each other.

When you are in love with someone, you care for them, want them to be happy, and you are also are sexually attracted to them, you feel content and satisfied at the thought of being with them, you respect and admire them and feel lucky for being with them, being in a relationship with them seems like the most "right" thing that could happen, seeing them can make your day, you want to spend your life with them and grow old together, etc.

I do believe that in order to fall in love with someone (or start loving them romantically, whichever term you prefer), you need to love them non-romantically AND to be infatuated with them (in no particular chronological order). If you start a relationship with them, eventually you are no longer infatuated with them and you are simply in love with them.

Since you mention emotional affairs, this is what generally happens: a person isn't in love with their partner (although they may love them non-romantically), they feel unsatisfied and therefore they let their guard down, making themselves vulnerable to other people. Maybe they become friends with someone, they start loving them non-romantically and they subsequently become infatuated with them. Maybe they become infatuated with someone and THEN start loving them non-romantically. Either case, both of these things are factors in an emotional affair. It doesn't always become romantic love - many times, all the non-romantic love and infatuation fades away once the official relationships are over.

[Maple1714]

[QUOTE However, as time goes on and you spend more and more time in their company and you allow yourself to become vulnerable to them . . . It's allowing vulnerability that leads to love.. not infatuation, I think.[/QUOTE]

This ^^ is very true. This is how someone can romantically fall in love with someone who they initially didn't have romantic feelings for. You allow yourself to open up to someone and become vulnerable. In that way, I believe you can "learn" to be "in love", have a romantic loving partnership with just about anyone who's personality meshes well with your own. Sure, if the sex part is there too then great! But, sometimes that comes later or vice versa. It's just all about allowing yourself to open up to another person who is also opening up to you. Who we romantically love is a choice I believe. Platonic love is more of a chemical thing....like the love you feel for a child, parents and siblings....even same sex friends.