Incest Affair?

[Dream_of_Waves]

They are so not the same as that of a 40 year old woman! Now you want to disprove science!??? What the heck! You are a judgmental group of apes.

[dontaskme]

They are so not the same as that of a 40 year old woman! Now you want to disprove science!??? What the heck! You are a judgmental group of apes.

Lol....

[CrystalLight]

Well that escalated quickly. I can only assume that I am one of many who have been watching this fiasco play out from the sidelines.

To the lovely OP - I highly reccommend you walk away from your marriage if it is making you unhappy. Being riddled with unhappiness is no way to live. Love should be happy and joyful. Celebrated and honoured. Will you have a support base if you do decide to pack up your children and leave?

Remember, dysfunction will only serve you for so long before it gains the power to destroy you. Take all the time you need to convince yourself that you deserve better. I wish you all the luck in the world and a future full of happiness, light, laughter and love.

To everybody else - really? This poor lady is at a tremendous crossroads in her life. Regarding this cousin thing, the backwards and forwards between who is right and who is wrong... it is exhausting to read. Trust me I myself love a good debate, but there is a time and a place for that.

To be honest, I personally have no problem with the idea of two cousins marrying and having children with one another. However, I would never dream of judging those who do take issue with it. I may not agree in the slightest with their opinion, but they sure have the right to have an opinion. Can you imagine how boring our species would be if each and every one of us had little to no sense of individuality?

All I can say is this: tread softly... you will never be able to fully comrehend another's story unless you have walked 1000 miles in their shoes.

Enjoy your day/night

Edit/additional question... OP - from what I read, and please correct me if I am wrong, you accepted that your husband was a cheater before you settled down with him. Am I right to have gathered that your current fear is that you worry your husband will leave you, as opposed to him just continuing to have short-lived affairs?

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest, I personally have no problem with the idea of two cousins marrying and having children with one another. However, I would never dream of judging those who do take issue with it. I may not agree in the slightest with their opinion, but they sure have the right to have an opinion.

I had been tempted to bow out of this because this had turned from a discussion into an immature argument. However, I felt the need to applaud CrytsalLight for this.

Now, I cannot speak for anybody else who was in agreement with me on this topic, but I NEVER said nor implied that dating a cousin IS "gross" or "wrong" or "digusting" or anything like that. I said IN MY PERSONAL OPINION it is wrong. Hell, I myself never even used the word gross. I also said that, as far as I know, it is generally considered taboo by most cultures. I even proceeded to say that, when it comes right down to it, I may think it is wrong, but I honestly don't give a flying crap. It doesn't hurt me, so what the Hell do I care? You want to marry your cousin, go ahead and marry your cousin. Doesn't bother me one bit.


Dontaskme was interested enough to actually do the research and confirmed that while some cultures do not have any problem with it, most in fact DO consider it taboo. CrystalLight is actually of the opposite opinion on this as me.... but I respect her and her opinion a lot more than anybody feeling the need to resort to name calling against those who do not agree with them. I don't care how set I am in my opinion on something, I will still happily listen to valid and respectful arguments from somebody who disagrees with me. The moment you come in with an "I am right and you are wrong" attitude and start resorting to name calling and belittling those who disagree with you, I could not possibly care less what you have to say.

...And I also agree with Crystal on another thing...

This thread wasn't supposed to be about what relatives you can or cannot date. Or whether that is wrong or just fine, sick or not. This thread is about the OP and her fella. So, tell ya what... let's ignore for a moment that this guy once dated his cousin and pretend, instead, that it was just some girl. ...He's still talking to her behind his current girlfriend's back. He's still talking to her completely in secret. Again... like I said before, if he WASN'T doing something with her that needed to be hidden, why would he feel the need to hide it? If he and this cousin were now just friends/cousins, why would he feel the need to be so secretive about it? So, that alone makes me think something is going on. Ignoring the cousin aspect, that is STILL wrong because it would mean he's cheating on his current girlfriend.

Not only that, but, AGAIN.... he's even posted on Craig's List trying to hook up with women. So, to be honest, I think the cousin situation is a completely moot point. The guy sounds like a complete scumbag. It sounds to me like the OP deserves better.

[parabola]

Thank you for those who had positive things to say. I was shocked some only jumped in to defend cousin love or whatever. It's straight up Jerry Springer material for me and I really don't care to empathize with that kind of lifestyle. The whole thing blows, and although he was looking for xxxtra, for some reason it wasn't as bad as the cousin thing for me. I haven't decided how it will come out but it is going to come out at some point.

[JimBo90]

I don't wanna comment further on the cousin thing. I'm pro-cousin love so it doesn't bother me in particular but I'm sorry if you felt offended by those of us who defended.

As far as your relationship goes I hate to be devil's advocate but you said that your man was a cheater before you married him.. so how can you put all the blame on him when you kinda agreed to his lifestyle? It just doesn't seem fair to me

[parabola]

Of course you would think that way, you are a guy. Pro-cousin or not, if you are going to have an affair with someone or a fling with them....why do it within your family tree? It is basically shitting where you eat or whatever...can a guy not find someone other than his relatives to sleep with? And what can I say the guy told me he would be faithful and I believed him and trusted that. Of course that is my fault for wanting to see the potential good in a person. smh....

[JimBo90]

That was extremely sexist^^

All I did was point out that you chose to marry a guy who was having affairs before you got married. You knew about it yet you proceeded to have kids with him. That's all I'm doing, just stating the obv.

[parabola]

Well, you are the last person I would care to offend on here since you blatantly called other people "stupid" for not accepting your family love beliefs. Let me see, because your culture there is SO WORLDY your opinions are better? Get off your high horse, and stop acting like your ideas are the only way things should be. That thinking in itself is narrow minded.

[hazey daisy]

OK my two cents, lets just put the "incest" argument aside. OP you don't have to stay with him for financial reasons, you can get a lawyer and force him to pay to support this child and possible alimony if you are not working. I don't care if he was boinkin his cousin, it's the fact he is carrying on their relationship emotionally behind your back. He has no respect for you or the sanctity of marriage. seriously now, you don't have to put up with it. I doubt telling him to stop is going to force him to change his ways. He is just going to hide it better knowing you have been snooping.

If you want to save this marriage, you need to seek out a marriage counselor and sort this out together.

[debbielady]

Parabola,

I'm a bit confused. I really want to ask you exactly what crystal light asked. Why did you marry a guy who you knew had affairs if you don't mind me asking? Not an insult, it's quite normal- open relationships are occurring all the time these days. Did you have an agreement or something?

IMO, if you had an agreement that he can cheat or you accepted that he needs to sleep around, then no you cannot put all the blame on him. If you have decided now that you don't like him sleeping around then you should confront HIM about it. I am so sorry if that is not what you want to hear, however if you are looking for us to tell you that you are right and your husband is an a.hole then that would be very unhealthy given the situation. It would not be entirely true.

I don't want to say that "you got yourself into this one", but you really do need to consider walking away. My sister married so that she could have kids, knowing her husband wasn't really interested, and now she is divorced. That really hurt her, but it seriously hurt her kids. She understands now that she should never have rushed into her marriage because her kids suffered as a result. If that rings bells for you, you would be much better suited with a man who wants the same things as you. Whatever you do, I strongly advise, as a primary school teacher, that you keep your kids away from the drama. Their little brains just aren't emotionally mature enough to cope with the extremes of break ups etc.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

[JimBo90]

Well, you are the last person I would care to offend on here since you blatantly called other people "stupid" for not accepting your family love beliefs. Let me see, because your culture there is SO WORLDY your opinions are better? Get off your high horse, and stop acting like your ideas are the only way things should be. That thinking in itself is narrow minded.

You are being pretty damn rude when all I'm doing is giving my opinion with a little bit of advice thrown in there. I'm just not getting the vibe that you love this guy, more you're with him for the kids and financial support. My opinion would be to walk away with your kids, instead of trying to control a dude who is more invested in other women. I don't condone cheating, so I wouldn't put up with it. If you want to put up with it go ahead, but I also recommend you talk to your husband about it. Don't go starting gossip, if you ask me that would make you just as bad.

[JimBo90]

And what can I say the guy told me he would be faithful and I believed him and trusted that. Of course that is my fault for wanting to see the potential good in a person. smh....

I might be pro-cousin, but I AGREE that your hubby shouldn't be sleeping around, and yes sleeping with his cousin complicates it more as you two are married. What I don't get is whether or not you two have an open relationship? You told us that this dude cheated before you settled down, so what made you think he'd become faithful? Any man who cheats on a woman once has lost all respect for me and I'm sure lots of other people. Not my business, but you should've taken that as a sign then that you deserve better. I don't think it's fair on either you or him or your children to stay married if you two aren't happy together. Can you guys not come up with a financial arrangement separate of marriage? Just out of curiosity, I'm interested in knowing if that's a possibility for you. Then you won't be affected by his choices, and you'll be free to live your life as you please.

[TheEvilJester]

I could be wrong, but I am assuming that there was never an agreement of them having an "open" relationship. Parabola would have to clarify. IF there was that agreement, then I would have to echo what others have said in that you can't really fault him for taking advantage of that arrangement. At the same time, though, that doesn't have to mean you have to still be okay with it. If you'd decided that doesn't work for you anymore, that is fine. You can talk to him about that, and if he is unwilling to change, maybe you part ways. But, if you two agreed to that kind of lifestyle, then you certainly can't fault him for living it.


....However, I get the impression that was NOT the case.

So, whether or not he's cheated in the past (on her and/or on past girlfriends) is irrelevant. I definitely agree with JimBo that I personally find it hard/maybe impossible to forgive a cheater. Personally, once somebody has proven themselves capable of cheating, I always find it hard to believe they won't be likely to do it again.

....BUT... not everybody feels this way. If parabola felt he was worthy of a second chance, that was her decision, and I applaud her for being brave enough to do that. I do not agree that makes it her fault for trusting him if he cheats again. That is still his fault for leading her to believe he would not make the same mistake again.... and then turning around and doing it again anyway. Unless he was clear with her that he'd probably cheat again and she chose to take the chance anyway, I do not think any of the blame is hers.

That's just my opinion, though. Believe me, I could understand people being baffled by the notion of trusting somebody again after such a betrayal. I, myself, never would. But, at the same time, I'm not going to blame somebody if they felt their relationship was worth a second chance.

[parabola]

We do not have an open relationship. He would die if I were to be meeting anyone behind his back. Definitely a one sided situation here. I don't trust him, although his attempts to my knowledge have been unsuccessful.