Do Men Prefer Male or Female Counselors?

[Gigabitch]

I think going to therapy had a lot to do with my divorce, ultimately. I started doing a lot of "work" while my ex-husband did nothing and we grew apart, naturally.

I'm so glad I went to therapy. You should go, Celestial, no matter what he does.

[IndiReloaded]

Aaahhahahaha! I can't believe I found this!!

[url]http://uk.youtube.com/user/darwilliamsmusic[/url]

[celestialxs]

The only other comment I have about counselling is that, if you go, you'd better have an idea of what you want out of the sessions BEFORE you go. I think a lot of ppl have unreasonable expectations of the counselling process. Counsellors aren't magicians & can't help you if you don't know yourself what you want. Their job is to facilitate and provide some structure to help you achieve your relationship goals. But all the hard work must still come from you.

I totally agree. I've had friends who went to counseling and said they had such a different expectation going into it than coming out. My I don't really have any expecations at all, just hopes. I hope that I can learn how to better communicate to my guy and that he learns the same. Communication is so important.
I also hope that we both get realisitic expectations of each other, not the ones we've both created in our own minds. That's possibly been the most damaging aspect of our relationship.
And I hope that counseling will help give us the guidance and structure that is necessary for adapting to our new circumstances (i.e. him being committed & living with me after so many years being single & living alone, me being committed & living with a free-spirited and somewhat commitment-phobic guy who prefers a little more space in a relationship than what I prefer.)

[celestialxs]

I think going to therapy had a lot to do with my divorce, ultimately. I started doing a lot of "work" while my ex-husband did nothing and we grew apart, naturally.

I'm so glad I went to therapy. You should go, Celestial, no matter what he does.

Thank you, Giga. I do plan on going anyway. Although I believe that counseling can help a person grow and learn in ways they could only have imagined, I will have to learn to accept the possibility that my guy doesn't feel the same way and will refuse to go.
Either way, I will continue to learn, grow, and cope.

[IndiReloaded]

And I hope that counseling will help give us the guidance and structure that is necessary for adapting to our new circumstances (i.e. him being committed & living with me after so many years being single & living alone, me being committed & living with a free-spirited and somewhat commitment-phobic guy who prefers a little more space in a relationship than what I prefer.)

That sounds pretty vague to me. I'm telling you, counselling doesn't give you anything unless you know what you want. You need an idea of what your relationship will LOOK LIKE when you're done hoping. Do you know what it should look like? Once you figure that out, then you can get to work on how to get there.

Been there, done that kiddo. Your basic decent guy doesn't give a crap about anything except what he needs to DO to take you to Happy Womanville. Give him a map & he'll move. Be vague & he'll just carry on reading the newspaper. Right there, 10 sessions of couples counselling, free via the internet.

Have a plan before each of your sessions for what you want.

[peace_maker20]

hi i think i could only talk to another guy on certain situations because sometings girls just dont understand, but on others i dont think it matters, in some situations talking to a girl could also help more than a guy so yea it all depends on the topic...

[Mish]

I put a vote in for female because when I tried to get my ex to go to a counselor, he had major authority issues with the men.

But

If you go with female counselor he might think she is picking your side over his

[Mish]

Been there, done that kiddo. Your basic decent guy doesn't give a crap about anything except what he needs to DO to take you to Happy Womanville. Give him a map & he'll move. Be vague & he'll just carry on reading the newspaper. Right there, 10 sessions of couples counselling, free via the internet.

I think this is a great advice. Only I would like to add that men actually have a map of their own. Many automatically tend to assume that the map they have for themselves is good enough for everyone else to follow. Shock and horror, woman's map is different to the man's??!!!

Maybe after recovering from that panic attack he will pick up the woman's map when noone's looking to compare the notes and see how far offtrack he is with his one. But if that map is not there, what hope does he have to get to the distination you are heading?

[Masterofmind69]

Men hate to talk about their problems in general. We are taught we are weak if he talk about things. We are taught we need to be strong and endure it or whatever. You don't have to go to a counselor. You can go to church and get it for free. You can go to a buddhist monk. You could drag your boyfriend into a buddhist temple telling you want to be spiritual lol
They can help you solve couple problems if you have any. But if he refuses you will have to learn to cope with his baggages if you truly love him. I am into spirituality, I learn to be kind, have compassion and be tolerant. It doesn't sound good that you think moving in together is stressful though, it really shouldn't be like that if you love someone.
I know many men changed due to their wives or girlfriend. Love is not easy. You don't just go for help and that's end of problems. ( I call them challenges) You have to learn how to handle your own problems.

Anyways good luck

[celestialxs]

That sounds pretty vague to me. I'm telling you, counselling doesn't give you anything unless you know what you want. You need an idea of what your relationship will LOOK LIKE when you're done hoping. Do you know what it should look like? Once you figure that out, then you can get to work on how to get there.

Been there, done that kiddo. Your basic decent guy doesn't give a crap about anything except what he needs to DO to take you to Happy Womanville. Give him a map & he'll move. Be vague & he'll just carry on reading the newspaper. Right there, 10 sessions of couples counselling, free via the internet.

Have a plan before each of your sessions for what you want.

Wow, I guess I came across more vague than I thought. I mentioned some of the things I want to get out of counseling in previous posts, not just the above. I guess you'd like me to expand further...

I'm assuming that, since you didn't touch on the communications or expecations topics, you don't feel my first two wants/hopes are too vague.
When it comes to the third (the one you quoted), I want/hope my guy can learn to adjust to no longer living the single life. It seems like he's having a hard time not being able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and having to, instead, consider my feelings and/or schedule. Not that he needs to come to me for everything. He doesn't. There are just some circumstances that require couples to communicate more and plan more, not just do whatever one of them would like. (If you need me to spell that out too, just let me know.)
As I previously mentioned, he had been single and living alone for a few years. There's definitely a lot of readjusting to do when living with your SO after you've been living alone for so long. I also want/hope to learn how to better understand his needs. I'm trying to do this already, but I think counseling can do me even more of a world of good in this department.

As for getting into every single detail of exactly WHY I want to go to counseling, HOW I think it would help, and WHAT I'd like to accomplish out of it...I actually DID spell that out for my guy. He's supposedly thinking about it.

[celestialxs]

I think this is a great advice. Only I would like to add that men actually have a map of their own. Many automatically tend to assume that the map they have for themselves is good enough for everyone else to follow. Shock and horror, woman's map is different to the man's??!!!

Maybe after recovering from that panic attack he will pick up the woman's map when noone's looking to compare the notes and see how far offtrack he is with his one. But if that map is not there, what hope does he have to get to the distination you are heading?

THANK YOU Mish! This illustrates very well how I've been feeling with with whole situation. I've been TRYING to get my guy to pick up my map. The only thing is that he won't take it.
I've talked with him, and talked, and talked and he's still stuck on his map. I've told him time and time again what I want, need, and expect out of a relationship. Instead, he just focuses on the little things on his map, not even the big picture, and then goes off into his own world, map in tow.
I think he compares maps alright. I think he compares his map with his buddies' maps, so he comes out with the same conclusion everytime. I've asked him to talk with me while he's "thinking about things" because it doesn't look, to me, like he's thinking about our relationship. He said, "I'll give you Steve's number. I"'ll give you Mike's number. You can call them. They'll tell you how much I talk about you and us." So, my reply: "You're in a relationship with me, not them!"
That was a month ago and he still doesn't get it. So, when we're talking about maps, believe me, I'm trying to give him mine. He just won't take it.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm assuming that, since you didn't touch on the communications or expecations topics, you don't feel my first two wants/hopes are too vague.
When it comes to the third (the one you quoted), I want/hope my guy can learn to adjust to no longer living the single life. It seems like he's having a hard time not being able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and having to, instead, consider my feelings and/or schedule. Not that he needs to come to me for everything. He doesn't. There are just some circumstances that require couples to communicate more and plan more, not just do whatever one of them would like. (If you need me to spell that out too, just let me know.)

LOL, I'm not trying to be your counsellor, just pointing out as someone who's been there, that your comments aren't very solution focussed. You make me think of target shooting w/a blunderbuss. I understand what you are saying perfectly. You aren't understanding me. You give a very nice descripton of the problem, again above. You say you want better communication, etc. but that's like saying "I want more money."

Well, how much do you want? What are you prepared to do to get it? How will you KNOW when you've got enough?

This is what I mean when I say you need to know what you want your relationship (this or any future one) to look like. You have never said this in any of your posts, and I'm guessing, not in your counselling sessions either. You don't have to keep explaining, but just as an example, you express concern about his non-adjustment to not being single. Well, what would adjustment actually look like to you? Coming home & having dinner w/you each night & then going out w/buddies? Having an agreement about when & how often he goes out? Never going out except with you?

I have a feeling you've never thought about it this way before. But if you want to have a good relationship, with anyone, you'd better start. Good luck (and mbe get a more effective counsellor).

[celestialxs]

Men hate to talk about their problems in general. We are taught we are weak if he talk about things. We are taught we need to be strong and endure it or whatever. You don't have to go to a counselor. You can go to church and get it for free. You can go to a buddhist monk. You could drag your boyfriend into a buddhist temple telling you want to be spiritual lol
They can help you solve couple problems if you have any. But if he refuses you will have to learn to cope with his baggages if you truly love him. I am into spirituality, I learn to be kind, have compassion and be tolerant. It doesn't sound good that you think moving in together is stressful though, it really shouldn't be like that if you love someone.
I know many men changed due to their wives or girlfriend. Love is not easy. You don't just go for help and that's end of problems. ( I call them challenges) You have to learn how to handle your own problems.

Anyways good luck

Thank you Masterofminds69. I appreciate the good luck wish. I know that if he refuses counseling, I'll just have to deal with it. That's why I'm going to go anyway...to help me deal.

In regards to moving in. It's not moving in with him that was stressful, it was moving in general and searching for a place to live. The reason we moved so much is because we thought we'd find a place in a month so he put a 30-day notice in. We didn't find anything and couldn't stay where we were because they already signed on another renter. So, we were both stressed trying to find another place for another month and THEN find a permanent place after that. Also, between the both of us, there's a lot of crap to keep moving. We both got rid of some stuff to ease the burden.

Now that we're in our permanent apartment, and the stress of finding a place to live and moving again is out of the picture, he's having a hard time balancing out his wants with mine. I agree with you, Love is not easy. There needs to be compromise on both parts, not just mine. I don't expect counseling to magically make things better, I just think that it will help both of us recognize each other's needs.

[Mish]

THANK YOU Mish! This illustrates very well how I've been feeling with with whole situation. I've been TRYING to get my guy to pick up my map. The only thing is that he won't take it.
I've talked with him, and talked, and talked and he's still stuck on his map. I've told him time and time again what I want, need, and expect out of a relationship. Instead, he just focuses on the little things on his map, not even the big picture, and then goes off into his own world, map in tow.
I think he compares maps alright. I think he compares his map with his buddies' maps, so he comes out with the same conclusion everytime. I've asked him to talk with me while he's "thinking about things" because it doesn't look, to me, like he's thinking about our relationship. He said, "I'll give you Steve's number. I"'ll give you Mike's number. You can call them. They'll tell you how much I talk about you and us." So, my reply: "You're in a relationship with me, not them!"
That was a month ago and he still doesn't get it. So, when we're talking about maps, believe me, I'm trying to give him mine. He just won't take it.

Well then, how about you ask to have a look at his map? And then when he's sleeping, draw the destinations you heading for on his.

When he wakes up point out the new destinations you two are heading for and the best routes on his map to get there. He's not going to destroy his own map

[IndiReloaded]

When he wakes up point out the new destinations you two are heading for and the best routes on his map to get there. He's not going to destroy his own map

Mish's metaphor for negotiation. Step 2 after you've figured out exactly what you want. This is the part will make or break your relationship. Ppl don't have to agree w/your plan, or even compromise at this stage in a relationship. Good luck.