Sex on the first date?

[IndiReloaded]

I so love your use of the word 'unhealthy'. Makes us sound kind of unclean or sick doesn't it?

Oh don't be so dramatic. I'm referring to the immediate emotional connection. Its that which is unhealthy, not the sex. People who do this are often bunny boiler/stalkers.

I agree about the emotional connection (at least for making better sex). For some it's emotional, for some it's just a release, even in a marriage. ~But~ I'd venture to say that a very high percentage of adult relationships result in sex within a month, probably a bit less. Not many people waiting 6 months, 1 year. I think you'd agree with that.

How much of an emotional connection do you have in a month? In 2 months? In 3? A bit more than a first date of course, but honestly I doubt you have a significant emotional attachment at that point. If so, I'd question your personality as being a bit dependent and would say you're in for a lot of devastating, emotional breakups at the 3-4 month mark when people see the everyday person, the good and the bad, not just the good, and tend to become bored or disinterested.

I think it's just the perception that you know the person better at that point, perhaps trust them more, so if you have sex, there's a better chance for the LTR. I just don't think that's the case. It's a roll of the dice.

I agree with all your points. Yes, there isn't that strong an emotional connection 2,3 months with another person. But, that time does give one a chance to decide *for oneself* whether there is enough connection and interest for sex. The more obvious red flags will have also have been raised by then. There is just no way to determine this from a few dates, assuming it goes that far. Frankly, I wouldn't want to deal with having early sex with some man that *I* decide I'm not interested in and then I have to figure out how to let him go. Lots of guys get attached to women too once they've had sex, especially if they like their other qualities.

Guess I'm just on the more cautious side of things.

[Charlie Boy II]

If a girl sleeps with me too soon, I might worry she's a bit of a slut.

[cheekxs]

You can do it, but know that its bad for yourself.

Cause you did not even get to know the person, so she/he can gain some trust and tell you if she/he have HIV or something.
And a men dont value a girl that is easy. Many men like them only cause they can have easy sex with them. But thats all!

[haxan]

Guess I'm just on the more cautious side of things.

Nothing wrong with that.

Maybe the perception is that a first date is a blind date, or a fix up? Someone you haven't seen, been around or communicated very much with. A lot of the time, even though it's a first date, the people know each other from another area of life (perhaps work around each other, see each other at the gym regularly etc.) They've had some, or even quite a bit of interaction. I'd imagine that's even greater today, with the various ways to communicate and network.

I think that would quantify as coffee type dates, talking, getting to know each other, maybe even better than a date in some instances.

[IndiReloaded]

Haxan, if you know someone already before you start dating (say friends who start dating) then that's quite different. There is already that connection and sense of knowing the other person. In that case, if the stars align, etc. then I too would say 'go for it'. Even still, the expectations re: romantic relationship can be different from friendship. I think I'd still be cautious but less worried than sleeping with a psycho or man-ho. Concerns with a friend would be more around not shredding each other.

Anyway, there was a question about reasons for waiting. That's just one example. I'm not saying sex on a first date is bad. It might not be the best way to go about dating on a regular basis, tho.

[Illusional]

if you jack off right before the date, you'll be less inclined with a desire for sexual encounters.


raverboy

[love_architect]

As a man, does having sex with a women on the first date ruin any chance of a lasting relationship? Do you inevitable see this women as just a sexual object and nothing else? Curious as to how men REALLY feel about sex on the first date.

I know a few couples who had sex right away and 2 of them got married....

it's depends , but generally to for someone who have a minimum of self-respect (man/women) having sex in the first date is considered not really class .

[Sixpacj]

If a girl sleeps with me too soon, I might worry she's a bit of a slut.

Do you have a madonna-whore complex? ;-)

[haxan]

Haxan, if you know someone already before you start dating (say friends who start dating) then that's quite different. There is already that connection and sense of knowing the other person. In that case, if the stars align, etc. then I too would say 'go for it'. Even still, the expectations re: romantic relationship can be different from friendship. I think I'd still be cautious but less worried than sleeping with a psycho or man-ho. Concerns with a friend would be more around not shredding each other.

Anyway, there was a question about reasons for waiting. That's just one example. I'm not saying sex on a first date is bad. It might not be the best way to go about dating on a regular basis, tho.

I think the thought process in this thread might be centered around random dates, people that you don't really know at all. In that case, of course, racing off to have sex is not a good idea, more so for being safe and healthy than the prospect of an LTR, if anything.

Personally, I don't remember going on very many blind type dates (do people really do that a lot?). Only a couple, and we never ended up having sex immediately, if it all. Most dates I went on were with people I knew through one avenue or another, had spoken with several times and had gotten to know on a friendly basis to some degree. Even though it was rare to rush into it, there was usually already a strong attraction, good connection and some 'tension' already built up. So, if the stars were in alignment, it certainly didn't factor negatively into the prospect of an LTR.

[loveagain]

My wife and I did on the first date, and it was a blind date to boot! We ended up together for 20 years (married 17, though the last 2 we were separated) and 2 children.

I'm not sure I can definitely say it was a mistake or not. Both of us were dating other people at the time, but mine was going nowhere, and she really liked the guy she was seeing but they weren't intimate yet. I really wasn't looking for a relationship, but she felt that sleeping with me obligated her to dump the other guy and pursue me and I went along. If we hadn't gone to bed together on that date, I'm not sure that anything else would've developed.

During most of the marriage it was never an issue except an item of curiosity. Most people who knew us well knew we met on a blind date, and our closest friends knew the more intimate details. When the marriage started to deteriorate it was an issue that came up in counseling.

My most recent relationship was with someone I knew in college, lost contact with for many years, then came back into my life as a friend (she was dating another friend) about a year before my wife and I separated. We started dating after the separation and waited until the 3rd date. That relationship lasted just over 2 years. I don't think the timing of becoming intimate had much bearing on things either way, though we used to say we wished we had sooner.

The answer is, I don't know. I think it's probably not the best way to start off a solid relationship. It probably depends case by case, but it's hard to know at the time. I can't see that it would hurt to wait. If a relationship doesn't develop because you don't sleep with the person so soon, that's probably a good thing.