I am a jerk

[Junket]

You sound like a version of me in a few years.

Scary.

[corinthian]

You sound like a version of me in a few years.

Scary.

How do you know this is what you will be like? Maybe there's still time for preventive measures. But I am comforted that you are following me up this path.

[Gigabitch]

You really ought to come clean to your wife about all of this. You're making a total fool out of her by keeping her in the dark about things that affect her directly.

[corinthian]

You really ought to come clean to your wife about all of this.

Do you really mean _all_ of this? I mean it's not like we haven't talked about whether we have a future. In fact, she is always begging me to leave her for some reason, although I don't completely take her at face value on that. Why ask someone to leave you? I mean, if you want to not be with someone, you can leave them.

I don't really think it is literally a practical issue about who gets to stay in our home while we argue about money. I think she just wants to come out of this looking whiter than white. Or else, she is just looking for reassurance that I actually don't want to leave her.

I haven't told her that I had an affair but I really don't plan to tell her that. This is only partly for my own benefit.

In my view, it is too damaging to just be completely open about the doubts you have about your marriage from day to day. Marriage is hard and sometimes you just have to go through some periods of introspection and try to resolve how you feel, rather than just blurting everything out. Otherwise, you would generate too much instability in the relationship when in fact you are just going through a necessary period of adjustment. This is how I am thinking about it, anyway, but I could be wrong.

[stbmrs]

All i want to say is that you are not a jerk you are a selfish bastard and should never ever involve yourself with a woman for long term. Spear us women the agony and stay mr. wrong or mr. tonight. Scope the bars for the night's fun but leave it at that. Why would you lie to a woman about actually loving her then treat her that way? You don't love your wife and you don't love this woman at work you love you and that is all.

[Gigabitch]

Do you really mean _all_ of this?

Nah, I guess I don't. No need to dump your little red wagon into her lap, now is there?

In my view, it is too damaging to just be completely open about the doubts you have about your marriage from day to day. Marriage is hard and sometimes you just have to go through some periods of introspection and try to resolve how you feel, rather than just blurting everything out. Otherwise, you would generate too much instability in the relationship when in fact you are just going through a necessary period of adjustment. This is how I am thinking about it, anyway, but I could be wrong.

Oh, is this just a momentary qualm? Bullshit, cor. You've been stringing her along for years. The only thing worse than wasting the last seven years of her life is wasting the next seven as well. If I were in her position, I'd definitely want you to GTFO and give me a shot at finding someone that wanted to participate fully in marriage, family, future- all the things you're not particularly interested in.

Come on, man. Either commit or get out of the way. If she's so wonderful, she'll be able to find someone else, someone able to go to the next level with her.

[doppelgaenger]

Weasel! ****ing weasel!

[corinthian]

Why would you lie to a woman about actually loving her then treat her that way? You don't love your wife and you don't love this woman at work you love you and that is all.

I can see what you are driving at here but this is precisely why I am on these forums. I am trying to get to the bottom of my own narcissism. I am looking at my own behaviour and recognising that it is falling outside the acceptable norm. I am trying to work out what to do about that.

Subjectively, I feel very fond of my wife. I am anxious about the future, concerned about jobs, about starting a family, about whether our relationship is strong enough to do that. Surely this is not that unusual? I am not the only man who has had an affair.

I don't enjoy scoping bars, I like more long-lasting things than that. What am I supposed to do? Just withdraw from every romantic opportunity because I know I am too selfish? Don't you see a tiny little bit of a contradiction there? If I am too selfish, I need to become less selfish. How do I do that?

[corinthian]

If I were in her position, I'd definitely want you to GTFO and give me a shot at finding someone that wanted to participate fully in marriage, family, future- all the things you're not particularly interested in.

Come on, man. Either commit or get out of the way. If she's so wonderful, she'll be able to find someone else, someone able to go to the next level with her.

But I am interested in them, I am just very worried about whether I can handle it.

I basically agree with you, though, she'd be better off with somebody else, or even with just a chance of finding somebody else.

[Gigabitch]

But I am interested in them, I am just very worried about whether I can handle it.

I basically agree with you, though, she'd be better off with somebody else, or even with just a chance of finding somebody else.

Only you can say, really. I can't tell from this thread whether you're actually a big wiener or just a Nervous Nelly.

[vashti]

I vote for "big wiener". I sincerely doubt he has any intentions of following any of the good advice given. All of the interest in his personal life he is getting from strangers when posting here is just another way to feed his narcissism.

[corinthian]

I vote for "big wiener". I sincerely doubt he has any intentions of following any of the good advice given. All of the interest in his personal life he is getting from strangers when posting here is just another way to feed his narcissism.

I haven't had a great deal of advice, actually. A lot of criticism, which I am not complaining about, but the advice has mainly been to just take myself off somewhere where I won't be such a danger to women.

That is somewhat feasible but I am hoping to hear from people who have maybe felt in the past like I am feeling but somehow managed to turn their life around and become better people.

I don't mean to say I am ungrateful to those who have posted, and where concrete steps have been suggested, I have followed up! Except so far in the case of the big concrete step that is obviously the most important one but I don't think it's hard to understand why that needs to be thought about carefully.

Sorry if the whole thread offends you but, at least in this forum, I am being honest and that is kind of the whole point of the forum isn't it?

[IndiReloaded]

I had a 'friend' I got closer to than I should have. No physical affair, I would call it an emotional affair (others say not, but what's important is my own opinion).

Aside from cutting off this 'friend' from anymore close emotional interaction, I made sure my husband knew everything about what transpired. This was so he could make his own decision about things. This was not 'punishment', btw, it was so he could understand that there were things he also needed to work on in our marriage. Problems don't happen in a vacuum, I said this already.

We did a year of counselling, things are a lot better now. If you can't be honest with your spouse, then you don't have much of a marriage.

What are you afraid of? That she'll dump you for your indiscretion? That's her choice. I think you are adding insult to injury by removing that choice from her b/c you are too afraid to face up to your actions.

Man up. If she walks, she's free & so are you. If she doesn't, then you start with a clean slate.

You can always choose to fess up in a counselling session, if you think a controlled environment might help control unreasonable outbursts.

[doppelgaenger]

I haven't had a great deal of advice, actually. A lot of criticism, which I am not complaining about, but the advice has mainly been to just take myself off somewhere where I won't be such a danger to women.

That is somewhat feasible but I am hoping to hear from people who have maybe felt in the past like I am feeling but somehow managed to turn their life around and become better people.

I don't mean to say I am ungrateful to those who have posted, and where concrete steps have been suggested, I have followed up! Except so far in the case of the big concrete step that is obviously the most important one but I don't think it's hard to understand why that needs to be thought about carefully.

Sorry if the whole thread offends you but, at least in this forum, I am being honest and that is kind of the whole point of the forum isn't it?

Hahaha, you're such a ****ing weasel.

What did you expect? The advice that was given to you was nothing short of common sense.

[Mish]

Commitment requires struggle but at what point is it reasonable for anyone to leave his spouse? How do you know when you have struggled enough,

The moment you decide to cheat on them