Relationship changes, and questions about feelings

**shh!** · 15-09-08, 02:26 AM

Why do you insist on making her "wrong" because she wants to get married?

And what makes you so sure she will be incapable of finding someone whose goals are more compatible with hers? Do you really think fear of not getting what she wants should stop her from pursuing it?

**ecojeanne** · 15-09-08, 02:43 AM

Originally Posted by shh!

Why do you insist on making her "wrong" because she wants to get married?

And what makes you so sure she will be incapable of finding someone whose goals are more compatible with hers? Do you really think fear of not getting what she wants should stop her from pursuing it?

no of course not, i did say hopefully she will find someone who is compatible...i really do hope that....but no-one is perfect......its a big risk to take if she loves him and i'm just saying that its not something i would recommend her to do based on wanting the label of marraige, i do think it's part of the reason the divorce rate is so high....it's societies pressure and whats considered normal but infact may not be the right decision for her in the end. i'm saying it's worth thinking about very carefully rather than telling her she is right to pressure him. he may have everything she needs in a realtionship except for that piece of paper.

**misombra** · 15-09-08, 02:56 AM

maybe the guy just wants to finish school and be able to support a wife and children before he gets married.

**starbuck** · 15-09-08, 03:00 AM

Originally Posted by misombra

maybe the guy just wants to finish school and be able to support a wife and children before he gets married.

That is fine, but he needed to communicate this to her before they moved in together. From what it sounds like, he moved in with her knowing that her needs were different. It's a setup for her being disappointed, not him.

**misombra** · 15-09-08, 03:16 AM

these two aren't even married yet and they're already making each other miserable.

ps. find one of those guys that wants to get married right away. this guy doesn't.

**ecojeanne** · 15-09-08, 03:34 AM

yet again i guess i'm the only one who see's beyond the social norm lol. i have a friend who is married and i remember her saying she got married to see what it was like...the day, the dressing up, the attention etc etc and the 'happily ever after'...we were laughing about it because it was so honest...she is in a bad marraige now and is trying to find a way out of it...another friend who is now divorced also told me getting married was high on her agenda and was willing to sacrifice a lot to get it.....i don't think they are the only ones out there that were feeling the pressure from family and society

**Cain** · 15-09-08, 03:42 AM

Originally Posted by ecojeanne

yet again i guess i'm the only one who see's beyond the social norm lol. i have a friend who is married and i remember her saying she got married to see what it was like...the day, the dressing up, the attention etc etc and the 'happily ever after'...we were laughing about it because it was so honest...she is in a bad marraige now and is trying to find a way out of it...another friend who is now divorced also told me getting married was high on her agenda and was willing to sacrifice a lot to get it.....i don't think they are the only ones out there that were feeling the pressure from family and society

So because I want to be married one day, I'm a sheep? I'm sorry, but I think that's stupid. I want to get married one day and if I found a woman that didn't want to eventually get married, I wouldn't stay with her. Everyone has little things in a relationship they won't stand. I won't date a smoker. Does that mean that I should stay with a smoker because I love her if she doesn't plan to quit? I may never find someone I love more, but smoking is a deal breaker for me.

**ecojeanne** · 15-09-08, 03:49 AM

Originally Posted by Cain

So because I want to be married one day, I'm a sheep? I'm sorry, but I think that's stupid. I want to get married one day and if I found a woman that didn't want to eventually get married, I wouldn't stay with her. Everyone has little things in a relationship they won't stand. I won't date a smoker. Does that mean that I should stay with a smoker because I love her if she doesn't plan to quit? I may never find someone I love more, but smoking is a deal breaker for me.

No cain I didn’t say that…however there is pressure out there….the divorce rate is showing this….. good for you, I hope that you meet the right person one day

**Cain** · 15-09-08, 03:56 AM

Originally Posted by ecojeanne

No cain I didn’t say that…however there is pressure out there….the divorce rate is showing this….. good for you, I hope that you meet the right person one day

There's pressure for a lot of things. Just because she wants to get married, however, doesn't mean she's doing it just because she thinks it's the "norm." What's considered normal, anyways? Maybe she just wants to get married... there's nothing wrong with that... and she needs to have a man that wants the same thing. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wouldn't have told her that a year of living together was fine for a marriage.

**starbuck** · 15-09-08, 03:59 AM

Personally I'm on the fence about getting married, too Eco, but I'd never disrespect someone else's decision to marry or to tell her that it makes her "superficial."

It's what she wants. Why not just respect it?

**ecojeanne** · 15-09-08, 04:03 AM

Originally Posted by Cain

There's pressure for a lot of things. Just because she wants to get married, however, doesn't mean she's doing it just because she thinks it's the "norm." What's considered normal, anyways? Maybe she just wants to get married... there's nothing wrong with that... and she needs to have a man that wants the same thing. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wouldn't have told her that a year of living together was fine for a marriage.

I didn’t say that either, I just wanted to let her know my opinion to make sure she knew that this was definitely the right thing for her to do since so many people are pressured....i.e like many of my friends have been….it’s up to her what she decides to do

**ecojeanne** · 15-09-08, 04:11 AM

Originally Posted by starbuck

Personally I'm on the fence about getting married, too Eco, but I'd never disrespect someone else's decision to marry or to tell her that it makes her "superficial."

It's what she wants. Why not just respect it?

starbuck i told you i wasn't mocking her or saying 'she' was superficial, marriage is a superficial thing...it's a label...thats all

**kitty001** · 15-09-08, 04:11 AM

Clarrest, why did you move in with him right away if you didn't want to live with him for over a year without being engaged? I've never known anyone who got engaged after one year..that's way too fast, imo.

It doesn't sound like you guys are very happy together, overall.

**shh!** · 15-09-08, 04:12 AM

I had dinner last night with 5 other couples who were married 15+ years. Just because your friends married stupidly eco, doesn't mean everyone else did. Marriage isn't the enemy - stupidity is.

Kitty - I thought they dated for a while before they moved in together... she said they've been together for 2 1/2 years.

**Cain** · 15-09-08, 04:15 AM

From what I gathered, they had been dating for at least 6 months before they moved in together.

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