why is he lying?

[Wakeup]

You have a lot of years together, this isn't just some 6 month to 2 year relationship and you have children together and a history of obviously having loved one another.

I'm not sure what the point of this thread is now? You say you don't love him anymore so what is the point of your Original Post? What does it matter that he won't tell you the nature of the affair if you're done with him?

If you are done with him then leave it alone and concentrate on getting over the betrayal and adjusting to a life without him.

If you did decide to stay with him then that is your business and I'd not try to talk you out of it however; I would strongly suggest that you get marriage counceling because I cannot fathom how anyone would be able to learn to trust and forgive without a unbiased third party mediator so that somethng like this wouldn't happen to either of you again because you'd have the communication skills and proper relationship crossing blocking tools in place to nip relationship boundary crossing actions in the bud.

Good luck to you, Sweetest.

[IndiReloaded]

The point is she trying to psych herself into why its okay to stay in her marriage. For the reasons I already said. Another internet victim. Shrug.

She's right about one thing: the next time he cheats, she likely won't find out. Ah well, as Frost said, we are each entitled to go to hell in our own way.

[sweetest]

@ wakeup

hello

We broke up months ago, he lives elsewhere and has done since March.

He has suggested that we go to relate. I was surprised that he came up with this because he's no talker, not like me! He said that he would do and try anything so that this could be mended.

May be it is a way forward, i don't think that professional help's going to do any harm. As you say it would bring some input from a mediator, which would be good whatever the outcome.

[IndiReloaded]

He's gone since March?? You are wondering why he's still lying about it?

Because he's a jerk who seems to think if he tells you often enough that the sky is green w/purple polkadots that you will eventually start to question your own reality.

Apparently its starting to work.

Just checking but, are you employed? In other words, you aren't dependent on this jerk, are you? If you are, get a job ASAP. It will do wonders for you and make you realize there are so many great people out there who won't treat you the way your ex has.

Good luck, stay strong. You deserve better.

[sweetest]

@ IndiReloaded

Yes i tipped him out straight away after my son told me he'd been capturing and logging their conversations (fb),without me knowing, my son was downloading programmes with which to do this, he also had my husband's password, i went online and pretended to be him,and she went along with it, i told her later who she had been talking to earlier that night. This is when i confronted him and threw him out. I found most of what i know out after he'd gone.

I want to know the truth, i'm hurt, offended and i'm angry that he hasn't been honest. I am deserved of the truth.

It's not working, in fact it's doing the opposite.

I'm not dependent on him. I haven't asked him for anything. It's a struggle but i'm getting by.

He knows me well, he knows how much he meant to me. He seemed to think that my hurting and showing it = i'd be some kind of pushover, he would be wrong.

thank you

[Incognito]

Ok, I've been reading this thread from the beginning. Your ex says that he is wrong, sorry, blah blah blah, but he won't tell you about what exactly was going on? If you're in the wrong , as he definitely was, you either need to be 100% humble and take whatever kicks in the nuts may come, or be a 100% jerk, deny everything and move on. He's trying to play a middle ground, and there isn't one. I also don't know why, if he's been gone for months, why it will make any difference whatsoever if you know the sordid details of the affair. When you first found out I would totally understand, but now after so much time and his departure the details are moot. At this point he owes you as much as you owe him, which is nothing.

Do yourself a favor and don't get back with this guy. Some cheaters actually change, but the overwhelming majority do not. Get started on those divorce papers.

[rafterman]

Ok, I've been reading this thread from the beginning. Your ex says that he is wrong, sorry, blah blah blah, but he won't tell you about what exactly was going on? If you're in the wrong , as he definitely was, you either need to be 100% humble and take whatever kicks in the nuts may come, or be a 100% jerk, deny everything and move on. He's trying to play a middle ground, and there isn't one. I also don't know why, if he's been gone for months, why it will make any difference whatsoever if you know the sordid details of the affair. When you first found out I would totally understand, but now after so much time and his departure the details are moot. At this point he owes you as much as you owe him, which is nothing.

Do yourself a favor and don't get back with this guy. Some cheaters actually change, but the overwhelming majority do not. Get started on those divorce papers.

Good to see someone actually read the whole story.Best advice and course of action. 10/10..............Amen

[Wakeup]

If you're in the wrong , as he definitely was, you either need to be 100% humble and take whatever kicks in the nuts may come, or be a 100% jerk, deny everything and move on.

I think Op agrees with that assesment hense her confusion. He's not doing either and is sticking to the middle ground which confuses her and for which she is still looking for answers as to why he is doing this. I think most anyone would be a little curious as to what his motivation for denying could still be after being completely sussed out.

I agree that it's useless at this point to still wonder about the bizarrness that is him. Time to shit or get off the pot as they say and either completely sever all ties to him or, go to councelling together to see if there is enough left worth salvaging. There's little use for remaining embroiled in his need to lie by omission.

[sweetest]

I agree with what you're saying about him taking the middle ground.

he does owe me something, he owes me honesty, and i'll tell you why. I'm his wife and the mother of his children. We had been together for 12 years.. I've given everything to him, shared everything with him , and have loved him like no other for all that time. He owes me the respect that i deserve by being honest. I have never wanted to know the detail, just the truth. Of course i 'know' what happened, i'm nobody's fool. But i want him to acknowledge it.

I have found out about what grounds i'd have for divorce. Unless he admits to adultery, i can not divorce him for it. The only way i can divorce him quickly iif it's not for adultery is for unreasonable behaviour. I would need to show how and when his behaviour had been unreasonable. He has said that he won't agree to a divorce, which means here in England that we would have to live apart for at least two years before i could divorce him. Also i would have to go to mediation with him because the divorce would be without grounds. i'm not sitting talking with him and a mediator as if i'd done something that had caused the break up, no way.

As to his reasons for not being honest. I reckon it's because he's so ashamed and embarrassed about what he's done, that he can't admit it to himself, let alone to me.

I was in a terrible state months ago. It made me ill. He was fine, in fact he looked on top form back then. he's a broken man now, every time i see him he looks worse than the time before. I don't like to see him like this, of course i don't, but I have no sympathy for him whatsoever.

You're right about one thing, i owe him nothing.

[Wakeup]

What will you do then, Sweetest? What is your plan of action?

[sweetest]

i don't know walkeup

I'm hoping that when i see my solicitor again and show her the evidence that i do have it will be enough to show that he's behaved unreasonably. If it is, and she can only give me her opnion,( it is up to the court to decide if he's behaved unreasonably) then i'd have to go with that. I so want to divorce him for adultery, i feel like i'm being cheated yet again.

him not being honest is making me hurt more, he can't have loved me like i loved him otherwise he'd be honest.

[HeartIsAching]

I'm still confused as to what you hope to gain from this? Just the divorce?

It can't be peace of mind. It can't be that you believe he'll provide a plausible reason... so... why? The satisfaction of being right?

It's time to put on your big girl knickers and move on.

[sweetest]

I'm still confused as to what you hope to gain from this? Just the divorce?

It can't be peace of mind. It can't be that you believe he'll provide a plausible reason... so... why? The satisfaction of being right?

It's not peace of mind, nor do i want any reason from him.

I'd like the divorce to go through quickly and on the correct grounds because that's the truth. I don't want to pretend that some of it didn't happen, nor will i lie in any way to make it easier for him.

When I confronted him back in February, (this was when I suspected that he was up to something but had no proof, ie my son capturing and logging their conversations), he told me that he was doing nothing he shouldn't be and that I was mad, paranoid and in the head, (his words). I challenged him a few times, and he continued to say that I was mad etc. When i did find out for sure, as i said I was in a terrible state back then and had to go to see my doctor. She told me, amongst other things that she had seen many 'mad' patients in her time, and that after all her years as a GP she could tell me that I was most certainly not mad, neither was I paranoid.

I can't explain how much this hurt me, this added to the hurt caused by his cheating has been unbelievably hard to bare.

It's not that i want him to be honest just for the sake of me being right per se. It's so that he acknowledges that what he said to me was very wrong, and a truly evil and dastardly thing to do.

[Incognito]

I agree with what you're saying about him taking the middle ground.

he does owe me something, he owes me honesty, and i'll tell you why. I'm his wife and the mother of his children. We had been together for 12 years..

First, there is no middle ground. He's trying to create one where there isn't one. Second, no, he doesn't owe you anything. The relationship is over, he no longer lives with you. If you two were going to try and work this out then he'd absolutely owe you the truth as part of what he needs to do to reconcile the relationship. You've made it clear that is not an option, which I totally agree with, but that also negates him owing you any sort of detailed explanation.

It's not that i want him to be honest just for the sake of me being right per se. It's so that he acknowledges that what he said to me was very wrong, and a truly evil and dastardly thing to do.

Again, he doesn't owe you this since the relationship is definitely over. At this point it really does look like you want him to admit what he did just so that you get some sort of satisfaction. Its not going to happen. Proceed with trying to get the divorce and hopefully it will happen. Once it does happen it would do you good to drop your pursuit of any sort of explanation by him. Since you still allow him to see the kids you'll have to fight within yourself to keep your mouth shut about it, but I'm sure you'll be able to do it. Remember once the divorce is final any dialogue about your past relationship just opens a way for your slimeball ex-husband to try to get back into your life through guilt, lies, or argument.

[NytNrs&Mmartist]

you married a horndog. he will keep on denying even you catch him red handed.