My girlfriend (and now fiance) of well over 10 years cheated on me 5 years ago

[HeartIsAching]

I feel as though some people come on here, give their story, ask us what to do, and then when they hear what they should do, they turn it around and start defending the other person and making excuses.

True. A lot of people come here wanting to get their opinion validated, rather than to honestly get opinions. Then they get all bent out of shape when nobody agrees with them.

[ashley89]

exactly! I think they come on wanting people to say what they want to hear, and when they don't get that they get defensive. a lot of times it's just denying the truth, they probably don't want to face what they know they really should do

[MrMcBobski]

I have posted this same question in several forums around the net. My intention when posting wasn't to validate my opinion, but to gather suggestions of options. There is always more than one way to deal with any situation, and the same applies here.

Currently I am unsure how to proceed and I value peoples suggestions as to where i should go from here. I understand that the main opinion is to dump her, and thats a valid and possible option, but I would like to know all of my options before just simply ending a relationship that has essentially lasted the better part of my entire adult life to date.

Im sorry if it comes across as me defending her, because I am not trying to do that. I am just expanding on points as people post responses based on my current understanding of the situation. I dont think I have explained a lot of the information as clearly as I could have which makes it difficult for you to properly understand our exact situation. I know a lot of that doesnt matter in the grand scheme of things because she lied and cheated and ultimately thats what is important here, but currently I dont feel like that is completely fatal for our relationship, at least not yet, but I cant tell you why thats the case. That said, at the moment my feelings are subject to change on a daily basis so who knows.

[VincenzoG91]

I went through something comparable in 2011. She had a brief fling, realized that the guy was an abusive control freak, and tried to end it. He stalked her and blackmailed her into continuing to see him. He eventually decided to confront me and tell me some lies to try to get me to go away. She and I are still together, but only because:

1. She stopped cheating.
2. She stopped talking to the other guy.
3. She convinced me that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me.
4. She pushed me to sleep with other women for a while, so that we would be "even."
5. I decided to truly forgive her and get over it.

[bcgirl]

I have posted this same question in several forums around the net. My intention when posting wasn't to validate my opinion, but to gather suggestions of options. There is always more than one way to deal with any situation, and the same applies here.

Currently I am unsure how to proceed and I value peoples suggestions as to where i should go from here. I understand that the main opinion is to dump her, and thats a valid and possible option, but I would like to know all of my options before just simply ending a relationship that has essentially lasted the better part of my entire adult life to date.

Im sorry if it comes across as me defending her, because I am not trying to do that. I am just expanding on points as people post responses based on my current understanding of the situation. I dont think I have explained a lot of the information as clearly as I could have which makes it difficult for you to properly understand our exact situation. I know a lot of that doesnt matter in the grand scheme of things because she lied and cheated and ultimately thats what is important here, but currently I dont feel like that is completely fatal for our relationship, at least not yet, but I cant tell you why thats the case. That said, at the moment my feelings are subject to change on a daily basis so who knows.

Well only time can tell. This just happened so you are confused and in shock. Your emotions and thoughts about her will be like a roller coaster ride. Although she fu(ked him 5 years ago, why is he still buying her clothes? A guy doesn't buy clothing to a girl who dumped him 5 yrs ago and tells him to stay away. And if she truly felt guilt, why does she decide to hang out with him while he buys her clothes? It doesn't add up here and only points to the fact that she could very well still be cheating.

[bcgirl]

I have posted this same question in several forums around the net. My intention when posting wasn't to validate my opinion, but to gather suggestions of options. There is always more than one way to deal with any situation, and the same applies here.

Currently I am unsure how to proceed and I value peoples suggestions as to where i should go from here. I understand that the main opinion is to dump her, and thats a valid and possible option, but I would like to know all of my options before just simply ending a relationship that has essentially lasted the better part of my entire adult life to date.

Im sorry if it comes across as me defending her, because I am not trying to do that. I am just expanding on points as people post responses based on my current understanding of the situation. I dont think I have explained a lot of the information as clearly as I could have which makes it difficult for you to properly understand our exact situation. I know a lot of that doesnt matter in the grand scheme of things because she lied and cheated and ultimately thats what is important here, but currently I dont feel like that is completely fatal for our relationship, at least not yet, but I cant tell you why thats the case. That said, at the moment my feelings are subject to change on a daily basis so who knows.

Well only time can tell. This just happened so you are confused and in shock. Your emotions and thoughts about her will be like a roller coaster ride. Although she fu(ked him 5 years ago, why is he still buying her clothes? A guy doesn't buy clothing to a girl who dumped him 5 yrs ago and tells him to stay away. And if she truly felt guilt, why does she decide to hang out with him while he buys her clothes? It doesn't add up here and only points to the fact that she could very well still be cheating.

[MrMcBobski]

I went through something comparable in 2011. She had a brief fling, realized that the guy was an abusive control freak, and tried to end it. He stalked her and blackmailed her into continuing to see him. He eventually decided to confront me and tell me some lies to try to get me to go away. She and I are still together, but only because:

1. She stopped cheating.
2. She stopped talking to the other guy.
3. She convinced me that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me.
4. She pushed me to sleep with other women for a while, so that we would be "even."
5. I decided to truly forgive her and get over it.

She has stated categorically that she has cut all ties with him. Deleted emails/chats/phone numbers etc. He has also done the same.
She has agreed to destroy all gifts she has received from him (in a fire as a symbolic gesture).
She has stated that she has zero feelings for him any more.
She has been very convincing when telling me that she doesnt want to do anything to jeopardise our relationship ever again, and spend the rest of her life with only me. Even if we dont ever get married.
We did discuss the possibility of me seeing someone to even the score. I am not sure if I feel I could go through with it. But it has been discussed.
I want to try to forgive her. But that will take time.

We are, however, still discussing this, and still digging up finer details as she remembers them, and I am still waiting for the other man to reply to a few questions I asked him, so there is a chance this could change direction significantly. I dont want to dump her, hence me asking for options, but if something significant arises from that, my emotions may leave me no choice.

Well only time can tell. This just happened so you are confused and in shock. Your emotions and thoughts about her will be like a roller coaster ride. Although she fu(ked him 5 years ago, why is he still buying her clothes? A guy doesn't buy clothing to a girl who dumped him 5 yrs ago and tells him to stay away. And if she truly felt guilt, why does she decide to hang out with him while he buys her clothes? It doesn't add up here and only points to the fact that she could very well still be cheating.

Again, not trying to defend her actions, and you could well be correct about something still going on, but there is a bit of a misunderstanding over the details as I see them at the moment. To be fair, this could all be total BS, but as I said, the level of detail and the fact that some of it is verifiably accurate, makes me think its not.

As I understand it they had sex 5 years ago, then for whatever reason it ended. I believe from talking to her, and a brief chat with him, that they both realised that the sex was a mistake. I dont think she told him to "stay away", but they just didnt talk for a while and then he re-established contact to chat. They have kept in touch infrequently since then as friends. Nothing more. I believe the recent gift may have been an attempt by him to resurrect something, but she blocked his physical advances when they met, and kept the meeting as just a chat. Lastly, there was no "hanging out while he buys clothes". He bought it and gave it to her as a gift when they met.

[bcgirl]

Well lets here what the other guy has to say back. There is always two sides to every story and then there is the truth. It's too bad you have to endure this situation. You probably won't get a lot of ppl that have cheating responding to you but a vast amount who come on these sorts of forums are those that have been cheated. Like I stated I've been where your gf has been. In order to fully know that there is zero contact involved between them is to look through her phone (of course if she is smart she would delete all traces of texts) but she may have his name saved under a girls name..same goes for emails/chat. They are saved under alias so she can easily say "you have All access to my computer and phone).
I don't doubt she is upset about the whole situation and wants to work things out. But she won't change in the long term if she doesn't fix all the emotional negative characteristics that have made her cheat in the first place

[bcgirl]

Also based on the bits and pieces of info, I do not think she is that emotionally attached to this other man. I think she strings him along more of a booty call type. When she feels low or not fully satisfied in your relationship she will turn to him to get her ego stroked. He is merely a throw away next to you...but he may have more feelings towards her than she does to him. This doesn't justify her behaviour though. This type if cheating is one of the most dangerous types and are common traits among serial cheaters.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Dude, you're a ****ing idiot. Marry this dumb bitch, so she can **** everyone and then take half your money. You deserve it for being a ****ing moron.

[IndiReloaded]

What she says doesn't matter. What you believe and want is all you should consider right now.

Is cheating a dealbreaker for you? Personally, I think it's the fact she lied about it for so long that is the true dealbreaker.

What she did, though you may not realize it, is this:

By never confessing her cheating she took away *your choice* to stay with someone like this. If she had confessed and truly made an effort to make amends, and to commit to fixing whatever drove her to cheat, then you might have something to rebuild your trust upon.

You have none of this. She didn't just cheat--multiple times--she disrespected herself, you and your relationship by breaking your trust. Not just once, but twice by hiding the truth from you.

I would never want to be with someone like this. I would never, ever want to have children with someone who could do this. So, it all depends on your own values. Is integrity important to you? Do you believe in living by your word and owning responsibility for mistakes? She doesn't. Remember when all is said and done she had several choices she could have made differently:

- she could have told you she was feeling unsatisfied in your relationship
- she could have told you she was feeling an urge for sex with someone else and try to explore why this might be
- she could have broken up with you, set *you* free to find love elsewhere, instead of having her cake and eating it too
- she could have confessed to you after her affair and gave *you* the choice whether to fix things or break up

None of this make her evil, but it might make you very incompatible at a very fundamental level. And, as you can see, there are many women out there who would make different choices.

Good luck in your decision.

[bcgirl]

The plain selfishness of harbouring a secret for 5 years is just as bad as the act of cheating itself. Deceiving the person she so calls says she loves and wants to marry. She had 365 x 5 = 1825 days to come clean yet decided against it. She kept you a prisoner in the relationship for 5 yrs based on deception and would have very well carried this on for another god knows when...

[IndiReloaded]

Much more concisely said, thanks BCgirl.

[HeartIsAching]

Lets also remember that she didn't "come clean" until confronted with evidence.

[MrMcBobski]

What she says doesn't matter. What you believe and want is all you should consider right now.

I am very aware of this, this is the primary reason for this thread. I am considering my options, and how *I* want to proceed.

Is cheating a dealbreaker for you?

This is something I have asked myself many times over the years. I have contemplated the possibility that either of us could stray, and how I would handle it if we did. 5 years ago, when this happened, I think I probably would have dumped her on the spot. Our relationship was stagnating, we were very distant, I was incredibly immature for my age, and many other factors would have led me to make a snap decision. Now, things have changed. Our relationship has grown, we have both matured significantly, and I dont think I want to just draw a line under it all just like that. I believe there is still hope, but I am still gathering all the information I need to make that final decision.

Personally, I think it's the fact she lied about it for so long that is the true dealbreaker.

This *is* the key thing that bothers me. The physical act I can forgive as "interactive porn". The transient emotions were just that... but the lying about the event, and her feelings and emotions at the time, is the big thing that I have to decide if I can deal with, and move past.

We have talked about this every night since d-day, but it still hurts that she didnt feel she could talk to me about it before or after the fact. That said, I really do understand *WHY* that was the case, and given the same situation I may not have been able to bring myself to do it either. That level of empathy I have with her is why I feel there is hope for us.

What she did, though you may not realize it, is this:

By never confessing her cheating she took away *your choice* to stay with someone like this. If she had confessed and truly made an effort to make amends, and to commit to fixing whatever drove her to cheat, then you might have something to rebuild your trust upon.

You have none of this. She didn't just cheat--multiple times--she disrespected herself, you and your relationship by breaking your trust. Not just once, but twice by hiding the truth from you.

You are right, I had not considered the situation from that point of view before.

I would never want to be with someone like this. I would never, ever want to have children with someone who could do this. So, it all depends on your own values. Is integrity important to you? Do you believe in living by your word and owning responsibility for mistakes? She doesn't. Remember when all is said and done she had several choices she could have made differently:

- she could have told you she was feeling unsatisfied in your relationship
- she could have told you she was feeling an urge for sex with someone else and try to explore why this might be
- she could have broken up with you, set *you* free to find love elsewhere, instead of having her cake and eating it too
- she could have confessed to you after her affair and gave *you* the choice whether to fix things or break up

None of this make her evil, but it might make you very incompatible at a very fundamental level. And, as you can see, there are many women out there who would make different choices.

This is a big decision. We have had some very frank discussions about the points you listed above, and she is brutally aware of what she has done, and could have done. As am I. Again, coming back to my point above, I believe I understand much more clearly now how her mind works. Our discussions have covered everything to do with this, our relationship, our future, our dreams, our desires. All in excruciating detail. Despite how it may seem from what I have posted, I believe she really is truely remorseful for what she did. Not just because she was caught. She never wanted to keep it from me for so long, but couldnt bring herself to confess and potentially lose everything. (my words not hers by the way)

I think more than anything she feels a sense of relief that she doesnt need to hold on to the secret anymore. Its out. Where we go from here is entirely down to me, but as I have said in previous posts, she is willing to do anything, and everything, nessecary to make our relationship work, including seeking professional help for the various mental and emotional issues that contributed to this whole thing.

Good luck in your decision.

Thank you for your incredibly constructive post. Its refreshing to see someone actually put some thought into their answers.

Also I think its a sign of the times that most people seem to want to dispose of a relationship, rather than fix it. A sign of our single serving, microwave meal, disposable culture that once something is broken, you just trash it and move on. I very much do NOT subscribe to that belief and will attempt to fix something that is broken before drawing a line under it. Even if it costs me more. Because it is the RIGHT thing to do. But thats just my opinion.