The steely exterior ex-GF's put up after a break up

[cmacattack1]

Yeah I see what you are saying and you are right. What you did is the adult mature thing to do.

Just based on her actions, it's pretty apparent that she hasn't reached that maturity level or she is really wrapped up in herself to be that indifferent about your feelings. She must have really been holding onto it for a long time to build up that kind of resentment. Another sign of emotional immaturity.

If you both haven't grown together as a couple, growing apart is probably the only option. If you feel like I felt, you might look back on it and think that she needed to grow for your relationship to work in the long run and that this split right now might be for the best. Maybe it's trying to put a positive spin on a very negative situation but that's how I felt. It takes two for a relationship to ultimately work, and if one is going the distance and the other isn't, it's going to fail.

And I say right now. Not to give you false hope, but anything can happen in the future.

[qwertz]

I wonder if your and her definition of unforgiveable is the same? What do you deem unforgiveable?

Well i have a child with him, so chances are i can forgive more than her.. I dont write about what he did on here, not on an open forum.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Yeah I see what you are saying and you are right. What you did is the adult mature thing to do.

Just based on her actions, it's pretty apparent that she hasn't reached that maturity level or she is really wrapped up in herself to be that indifferent about your feelings. She must have really been holding onto it for a long time to build up that kind of resentment. Another sign of emotional immaturity.

If you both haven't grown together as a couple, growing apart is probably the only option. If you feel like I felt, you might look back on it and think that she needed to grow for your relationship to work in the long run and that this split right now might be for the best. Maybe it's trying to put a positive spin on a very negative situation but that's how I felt. It takes two for a relationship to ultimately work, and if one is going the distance and the other isn't, it's going to fail.

And I say right now. Not to give you false hope, but anything can happen in the future.

Uggggh that last comment about the future .... lol .... always such heart wrencher when you're going thru these emotions now and you're missing the person as badly as I am.

I agree that she definitely displayed emotional immaturity in regards to addressing what is important, especially if the cost could be the relationship. At 4.5 years you'd think that would be important and healthy. It's not like a 3 month relationship where approach methods are still uncertain. Sometimes other things are going on in life as well and you get distracted. In my particular case, there was just that. Dealing with lots of issues everywhere I could turn. She knew that, I'm just surprised that she wouldn't think to just face to face address the situation instead of letting it build up....... More of me just trying to get inside the head of the person who I'm currently apart from unfortunately.

[ricerocket1]

hey timetogrow i know exactly what your talking about...my x of 2+ years broke up with me out of the blue because she's been unhappy for the past 2 months with me and that's without saying a word to me and we lived together...now granted when something is wrong i always communicated with her but not her...

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, communication is very key, it's almost like a girl would rather suffer in silence until they are ready and have enough strength to make the break.

And for the record, ladies, that is THE WRONG THING TO DO!!!!

[cmacattack1]

Uggggh that last comment about the future .... lol .... always such heart wrencher when you're going thru these emotions now and you're missing the person as badly as I am.

I agree that she definitely displayed emotional immaturity in regards to addressing what is important, especially if the cost could be the relationship. At 4.5 years you'd think that would be important and healthy. It's not like a 3 month relationship where approach methods are still uncertain. Sometimes other things are going on in life as well and you get distracted. In my particular case, there was just that. Dealing with lots of issues everywhere I could turn. She knew that, I'm just surprised that she wouldn't think to just face to face address the situation instead of letting it build up....... More of me just trying to get inside the head of the person who I'm currently apart from unfortunately.

I'm a couple months removed from my relationship myself and I know exactly how you are feeling: how could they do that, did they ever really care, what are they thinking about, etc. She wasn't open about it now, and probably won't be in any forseeable future.

And being the dumper you get this power trip, like I was right and they were very wrong. That's how I felt in a relationship where I was a huge **** up and the girl was hopelessly in love with me and it got to the point where I was just sick of it (not to mention a cycle of breaking up and getting back together out of desparation and lonliness, it was ugly). Then came along the relationship I was just in and she flat out pulled the floor out from under me. Really put things in perspective for me, losing something important to me. Some people sadly need that to wake up and smell the coffee. Hopefully not her.

[TimeToGrowUp]

........... wow, got to witness two of THE MOST toxic situations last night. Two girls. Two former boyfriends who completely screwed them over in the worst ways imaginable and continue to. Yet the girls are still obsessed. My ex- won't even call to say hello. Life is a bitch like that.

[cmacattack1]

Treat em like dirt, they'll stick to you like mud.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Treat em like dirt, they'll stick to you like mud.

There's a very dark truth to that. The sad thing is I get this feeling that if I screwed her brains out every day for 4.5 years, but was also cheating on her - she'd still be calling me.

This is like waking up one morning without your left arm. I can't believe she resents me THIS much. I'm mystified. Dumbfounded. Speechless (well not really).

Of course, she'll more than likely end up (if she hasn't already) sought that sanctity of a new guy. If there's one thing I continue to learn about most women is that they heal themselves thru men. You hear a lot of trash talked about guys going out and getting laid to get over a breakup, but I see no difference in the behavior of a lot of women. It's the easy way out. They know that's the ace up their sleeve. My ex- put a tremendous amount of importance on sex, so much so that I'm sure (again if it hasn't already happened) the pants will come off and she'll attach her emotions to a new guy just that quickly. All those "just friends" guys are lining up right now.

I'm sorry I'm venting. I just think this is an absolute joke. She's obviously disappointed in me and has every right to be, but I'm increasingly becoming more disappointed in her.

Moral of the story, get frustrated .......internalize it forever....... then completely disrespect the 4.5 years by hiding for a few weeks then cutting the jugular vein without any attempt to talk thru things. Forget the fact that there was a time when she spent almost a year or so 40 pounds overweight, looking like a slob all the time when we were together .... never looking nice for me or the fact that I spent a tremendous amount of time coaching her thru her financial/job/roommate problems - I involved myself so much so that you would've thought they were my own problems. Is that the sign of a "passion-less" man? Is that the mark of a man who doesn't love his woman?

[lahnnabell]

It is commendable that you've done all that for her. I'm sorry that things have ended so badly. And yes, once a woman has been through enough break-ups, she eventually tires of the tear-stained sheets and chaste solace of her stuffed animal collection. My most recent ex and I split in March and I spent a week crying into my pillow, but then decided that it only lengthened my healing process in the past, and so I was going to go out and have a good time.

I made new friends, and strengthened my connections with current ones, and let guys wine and dine me. I know you don't want to think about her having a good time, but know that she's doing it to get past the hurt. It does no good to be emotionally and mentally debilitated when you've got a job, bills to pay, and a life to lead.

From what it sounds like your relationship values just don't line up. You'll be better off when you can heal and rediscover all the things you love about yourself, and can then share them with someone who wants to appreciate those attributes.

Do you guys work at the same gym, or is it possibly for you to switch? Not seeing her constantly would certainly help you out.

[TimeToGrowUp]

It is commendable that you've done all that for her. I'm sorry that things have ended so badly. And yes, once a woman has been through enough break-ups, she eventually tires of the tear-stained sheets and chaste solace of her stuffed animal collection. My most recent ex and I split in March and I spent a week crying into my pillow, but then decided that it only lengthened my healing process in the past, and so I was going to go out and have a good time.

I made new friends, and strengthened my connections with current ones, and let guys wine and dine me. I know you don't want to think about her having a good time, but know that she's doing it to get past the hurt. It does no good to be emotionally and mentally debilitated when you've got a job, bills to pay, and a life to lead.

From what it sounds like your relationship values just don't line up. You'll be better off when you can heal and rediscover all the things you love about yourself, and can then share them with someone who wants to appreciate those attributes.

Do you guys work at the same gym, or is it possibly for you to switch? Not seeing her constantly would certainly help you out.

I know she's doing that. She's done that her whole entire life. She's always surrounded herself with men. I'm sure it relates back to the fact that she doesn't have a father in her life. I was so good all those years, I could've been an overwhelming, insecure and jealous guy ...... but in my maturation process I decided to not make much of an issue of it. I'm sure all those guys on her Myspace are salivating over her new fitness competition pictures. Oh, she no doubt has a bajillion options to go drown her hurt in other men. How lucky. How chickensh*t.

I will just NEVER understand this aspect when it comes to relationships. Maybe I'm just an entirely different cat. Maybe I have more old school sensibilities. Sometimes it makes me think that these days love and duration has more to do with "addiction" than it does growing and learning together. Once the synapses aren't firing in the brain anymore - SEE YA...... and all the prior sweet nothings and wanting to spend the rest of life together morph into a big pile of sh*t. They turn into giant, empty yellow talk.

We work out at the same gym. But I am not......I repeat.......not letting her run me off. I've been going there 3 years. I live right behind the place. With finances being tight, it saves me a lot of money paying what I do there and saving money on gas. Plus it's a smaller gym as I cannot stand those grandiose meat markets.......and that's all there is in the area.

[lahnnabell]

I know she's doing that. She's done that her whole entire life. She's always surrounded herself with men. I'm sure it relates back to the fact that she doesn't have a father in her life. I was so good all those years, I could've been an overwhelming, insecure and jealous guy ...... but in my maturation process I decided to not make much of an issue of it. I'm sure all those guys on her Myspace are salivating over her new fitness competition pictures. Oh, she no doubt has a bajillion options to go drown her hurt in other men. How lucky. How chickensh*t.

I can see you are angry and it is good that you are coming here to release it instead of blowing up at her. This anger will pass and it will give way to a greater understanding. It will take time for this to come though, but it does. Tell me to f*ck off, or that I don't know what I'm talking about, it's cool. I get it.

I will just NEVER understand this aspect when it comes to relationships. Maybe I'm just an entirely different cat. Maybe I have more old school sensibilities. Sometimes it makes me think that these days love and duration has more to do with "addiction" than it does growing and learning together. Once the synapses aren't firing in the brain anymore - SEE YA...... and all the prior sweet nothings and wanting to spend the rest of life together morph into a big pile of sh*t. They turn into giant, empty yellow talk.

Yes, your approach to this break-up is different from hers. You are different people and there is nothing wrong with that. It's natural for someone to think that because someone else is different or does something differently from how we do it, that think they are wrong. You seem to think that she is wrong in how she is approaching this situation, and that's totally understandable.

We work out at the same gym. But I am not......I repeat.......not letting her run me off. I've been going there 3 years. I live right behind the place. With finances being tight, it saves me a lot of money paying what I do there and saving money on gas. Plus it's a smaller gym as I cannot stand those grandiose meat markets.......and that's all there is in the area.

It is not about "letting" her run you off. It is about making a possible mature decision to better your situation. Is it possible to work out at home? I understand you may need the "push" that the gym gives you. It is why I need yoga classes; practicing at home does nothing for me, and I have little space for it. I guess I'm just concerned for you expressing all this anger that one little thing will set you off and you'll be regretting it later. But I suppose that's why you're posting here.

[speakerspoke]

Tell me to f*ck off, or that I don't know what I'm talking about, it's cool. I get it.

F*ck off! You don't know what you're talking about!!!


Having barely skimmed this, his ex is probably a raging narcissist, and if he is not one, well after he get's through all of this may want to decide to date girls who aren't so vapid and shallow. Or not, it's all about choice. Problem is she was probably less than upfront with him, so after learning a rough lesson he'll be better equipped to recognize what he wants and does not want, hence saving alot of time and pain.

Learning is fun. lol

[TimeToGrowUp]

I can see you are angry and it is good that you are coming here to release it instead of blowing up at her. This anger will pass and it will give way to a greater understanding. It will take time for this to come though, but it does. Tell me to f*ck off, or that I don't know what I'm talking about, it's cool. I get it.

LOL. No need to tell you to f- off.

Blowing up at her would accomplish nothing. I'm just having a moment. I've been hurting so badly for the last 3-4 weeks, but tonight I'm mad. Three weeks prior to breaking up it was "I'm so glad you're so understanding of this competition stuff" .......it was "I can't wait to go to dinners and bed and breakfasts after the competitions" ....... it was "Honey let's have sex all day every day" ...... then she sets into her stretch run, training 8-10 hours a day, extreme dieting, she's high strung, and I barely get to see her.......then within a couple weeks we're broken up over text messaging. And yet she told me that she had moved on from me "in time" .....WTF? In time? Why even say those things than? I really thought we were going to pull thru.

Yes, your approach to this break-up is different from hers. You are different people and there is nothing wrong with that. It's natural for someone to think that because someone else is different or does something differently from how we do it, that think they are wrong. You seem to think that she is wrong in how she is approaching this situation, and that's totally understandable.

Meh. I'm not saying she's wrong. I just think it's "convenient."

It is not about "letting" her run you off. It is about making a possible mature decision to better your situation. Is it possible to work out at home? I understand you may need the "push" that the gym gives you. It is why I need yoga classes; practicing at home does nothing for me, and I have little space for it. I guess I'm just concerned for you expressing all this anger that one little thing will set you off and you'll be regretting it later. But I suppose that's why you're posting here.

No I can't work out from home. And my workout is one of the most important sources of growth for me. It's like one of the few things I'm actually doing really well with, over the years changing my physique in ways most wouldn't have expected. Suffice to say I've lost 11 pounds over the last few weeks over this break up. Not good. Total loss of appetite.

Set me off and regret doing what though?

[TimeToGrowUp]

..........the mornings are the absolute worst for me right now. I wake up and it's like the instant I open my eyes, I can see her face and my heart starts to ache.