Feelings for a recently separated friend ...

[IndiReloaded]

Meh, Lite, a bit of my own experience: fault & guilt are overrated. Best used as manipulation devices for the uninitiated.

But I know what you mean. Taking responsibility is a good way to move forward through life.

[Lite]

lighten up Lite!

I was being light, perhaps I need to adjust my sarcasm meter a bit though.

[jaybird365]

Hey ... great to see the debate over my plight when it does stay on topic. There's merit it some of the advice here, but I actually spoke to her earlier today and its clear there is a lot more that she wants to tell me about her situation, so we will likely meet in the new year.

That being said, I feel better about being there as a solid caring friend now as I just feel it is the right thing to do. She has much going on the emotional and mental side and now is not the time to put my own selfish desires ahead of hers. I really got a sense that there is a lot of struggle within (and there are kids involved).

We will meet in the new year, and I want to make sure she is reassured that although we may have had some feelings for each other 10 years ago (and yes I may still have unresolved feelings for her), it is all about our friendship and nothing beyond.

Our conversation today left me feeling that regardless of what happens with her marriage, and that is totally her choice, she and I will likely become closer. But I just need to find the right things to say and take the right approach to reassure her of my intentions as a friend.
JB

[snoz]

Unfortunately that could be you ultimate downfall, not saying you shouldn't be a friend but you're acting as a rebound in some form. Who knows could go both ways I just wouldn't hold my breath for it.

[IndiReloaded]

Hey ... great to see the debate over my plight when it does stay on topic. There's merit it some of the advice here, but I actually spoke to her earlier today and its clear there is a lot more that she wants to tell me about her situation, so we will likely meet in the new year.

I would be very wary of becoming her confidante, tho. Its just another way of you maintaining your ill-timed connection. It can still destabilize any chance this lady might have with reconciling with her husband. I question your motives, frankly.

Read up on emotional affairs if you are unsure about this.

Our conversation today left me feeling that regardless of what happens with her marriage, and that is totally her choice, she and I will likely become closer. But I just need to find the right things to say and take the right approach to reassure her of my intentions as a friend.

Ah. Hahaha, you are really a sneaky one, aren't you?

Bullshit. If you continue to wriggle and ooze yourself into her life like this, then YOU are also contributing to her marriage decline.

Frankly, I think you would be a LOT more honest to just admit that you really want this woman & will basically do anything to get her. Your pretense at 'morality' in the guise of friendship isn't fooling anyone. But I suppose, for your own peace of mind you need to be able to tell yourself that, if she goes through with the divorce, that it was HER choice & you didn't do anything to make it happen.

Yeah right. Whatever helps you to sleep at night.

[Indignant]

Frankly, I think you would be a LOT more honest to just admit that you really want this woman & will basically do anything to get her. Your pretense at 'morality' in the guise of friendship isn't fooling anyone. But I suppose, for your own peace of mind you need to be able to tell yourself that, if she goes through with the divorce, that it was HER choice & you didn't do anything to make it happen.

Yeah right. Whatever helps you to sleep at night.

Indi, have you had a bad experience in life? You are the most bitter and negative person on this board. It seems that you are completely against males and females being just friends and supporting each other.

[jaybird365]

Indignant, I with you on this ... IndiReloaded seems totally over the top and not worth the electrons to respond. You are correct, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a any female having a supportive male as a friend. I have been in several friendships like this and they are great. It's all about maturity ... something IndiReloaded must have missed.

[vashti]

I think you are trying to justify what you fully intend to do without any regard to the morality of the situation, jaybird. Just keep in mind, if she can do this to her husband and her children, she can do it to you, too.

[Lite]

Indignant, I with you on this ... IndiReloaded seems totally over the top and not worth the electrons to respond. You are correct, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a any female having a supportive male as a friend. I have been in several friendships like this and they are great. It's all about maturity ... something IndiReloaded must have missed.

Right, but you said you wanted something more than being a male friend. Supportive is basically part of being a friend, so typically I find that redundant to add in.

[IndiReloaded]

Indi, have you had a bad experience in life? You are the most bitter and negative person on this board. It seems that you are completely against males and females being just friends and supporting each other.

They aren't just friends.

And yes, I have had experience with this, but it wasn't negative. It was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. Apart from making me really appreciate things about my life, it made me take a hard look at those dark spaces in my mind called "motives" and learn how to deal with them honestly.

Neither you, Dig, nor the OP Jaybird has passed through this experience yet. As someone who has, I am telling you how it seems from the 'other side'.

Jaybird needs to stop trying to wriggle around and create new ways to justify his actions with these intellectual arguments and take a deep, hard look at his own dark spaces about this. Decide what he wants. Not locally, what ENDPOINT he wants to achieve. THEN he'll be able to make some honest choices about things.

Oh, and BTW, Jaybird, I wasn't being sarcastic about you just going for it with this lady. If that is where you truly believe things need to go, then I would just do everything in my power to make it happen. Now. Life is short. I completely allow for the possibility that you & this lady might be so completely happy together as a couple that her children might actually be inspired by such a choice. You can't measure such things easily.

That said, its just my opinion that you aren't THAT committed to this relationship. In which case, you need to ask yourself: what ARE you trying to do here?

Decide what is important to you. Think about the conditions that will make that possible. Then do whatever is in your power to make that happen. Don't be half-assed about it, tho. Half-assed solutions just promote confusion & prolong suffering.

That is all. Good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

I have been in several friendships like this and they are great. It's all about maturity ... something IndiReloaded must have missed.

If you have done this more than once, JayBird, then I'm not the one lacking maturity here.

Just thought I'd point out the logical inconsistency of your post.

[starbuck]

Indignant, I with you on this ... IndiReloaded seems totally over the top and not worth the electrons to respond. You are correct, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a any female having a supportive male as a friend. I have been in several friendships like this and they are great. It's all about maturity ... something IndiReloaded must have missed.

Jaybird, you seem like a smart guy. Don't be like all the other noobies that come to the forums and only agree with the people who say what you want to hear.

There is nothing wrong with males and females being friends, but unattached friends with no ulterior motives would probably make the best friends.

[carl1222]

Indignant, I with you on this ... IndiReloaded seems totally over the top and not worth the electrons to respond. You are correct, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a any female having a supportive male as a friend. I have been in several friendships like this and they are great. It's all about maturity ... something IndiReloaded must have missed.

Anyone who thinks Indi is not worth the electrons is either 1) not reading carefully, or 2) already has their mind made up and is looking for confirmation.

OK, Jay, I'll give it to you ... your confirmation.

It's fine to be her friend and confidant even though you have a personal stake in the outcome of her marriage ... that would never color your advice to her. Listen to her complaints about her marriage, be warm and consoling just like any true friend would be. Tell her how right she is for her feelings about her marriage and she deserves better. Steer her away from any reconciliation, even if not done deliberately.

Your feelings for her create a bias, Jay. In law, we call that a conflict of interest.

Carl.