Is he abusive? What should I do?

[lovesjoyajm]

Is he abusive? What should I do?

Yes. You should leave him.

Also, you should stop lashing out at everyone on here who is trying to help you. You came here asking if your man was abusive and what you should do, and they all told you. Then, like Lite said, you started changing your story (why? to protect him from us?)


But of course you'll do neither.

[vashti]

He doesnt hurt me. I feel like I am talking to a wall (which yes I can see you do as well). It doesnt matter what the situation is, you are not listening. I said that I do those things, he is very gentle with me when we train. He has never physically hurt me (as in I have never been in pain from anything he has done). Ive hurt him, because he wants me to be prepared if someone actually attacks me (same reason he always leaves a gun with me).

Don't you all get it? It's OKAY with her if he hits her, so long as it isn't very hard!

::shudders::

Good lord, this guy has guns.

[misombra]

i have seen many many scenarios such as this one and in none of them does the girl ever leave the guy.

[Yggdrasil]

gerberakasbah,

OK, so you have made up your mind. You won't leave this guy eventhough he has serious problems. You believe this is salvagable and you are willing to stand by him and support him while he is dealing with his issues.

I respect that.

I strongly advice though to set strong boundaries with him. Even if you don't see or accept his behaviour as very abusive, you'll still have to admit that it's unacceptable and unloving behaviour.

He has to deal with his issues, because I am very convinced that if he doesn't, his behaviour only will get worse.

I furthermore suggest to live on your own while he's taking care of his issues. I don't think that's an unreasonable request. My concern is that if you are around, that you very likely are enabling him to continue his behaviour.

I hope you understand this is something he has to take care of, all by himself.

That doesn't mean that you both don't have a relation anymore, it simply means that you take a step back and give him the time and space required to deal with his issues, while still being there for him.

I believe that's a very sensible way of doing this.

I hope what I am telling you makes sense.

Best of luck with your venture.

[vashti]

I think you should make a "safety plan" so you will know what to do and where to go when he loses control and hurts you. Pack a suitcase and keep it at a friend's house with some money, etc. - things you might not be able to access when he is raging.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you will need a plan.

[Yggdrasil]

I think you should make a "safety plan" so you will know what to do and where to go when he loses control and hurts you. Pack a suitcase and keep it at a friend's house with some money, etc. - things you might not be able to access when he is raging.

Good advice.

[TheTooya]

he doesnt like to socialize much and really hates when I do

This story reminds me of my mothers case...

Now before you dismiss me as some 12 year old talking about his mommy, don't. I am 21, and have seen my mother in an abusive relationship for several years that I absolutely hate. I hate, with such a strong passion, and no, it isn't even abusive in a physical manner (any more at least...), but it still persists.

My mom met this guy about 5 years ago, and he seemed great. She started to stay with him, and saw more of his colors. He had a furious temper, and would act very abusive, physically, mentally, and emotionally. My mom would get so upset, and really, for me, it broke my heart. I told my mom to break things off, but she persisted in the relationship.

Yes, over time, he has gotten less physical, but that doesn't mean he has changed as a person. Now, she is 'stuck' with him. She spent all her time with him (similar to what you mentioned...) and all her friends are now of the past. Additionally, they have gotten a baby, which adds an extra layer of being 'stuck'... and in case your wondering, getting a baby won't take away his personality...

Hes overall an 'ok' guy, but he still has an abusive personality that I doubt can ever be fixed, and I resent this character trait of his. He still yells a lot, and will humiliate my mother, etc...



You are probably asking why I went on this tangent. Reading your story, reminded me a great deal of my mothers relationship.

I know you want to stay with him, and you may even say he doesnt hit you (my mom said that too, at least...), I would say you should kick him to the curve and leave him... which (!!), I know you probably wouldn't dare think of doing.

You are in love, you care about him, he is the world to you, and you don't want to simply let go, but honestly, he isn't good for you.

All the logical facts have been laid out for you. Indiereloaded, lite, Yggdrasil... they have all said the same thing. This relationship *is* absusive, whether you want to swallow that or not is your problem. No man should ever, EVER try to humiliate you. He should never try to cut you down, he shouldn't yell at you... the reason you are in a relationship is by no means to make your life more miserable...


...
One last thing...

when I started crying he yelled at me more (which he always does) and kept threatening to leave me by the side of the road. Again, he apologized afterwards

If he actually cared enough, he would not be pulling this shit. Yelling at you while you cry? That is absolute horse shit. And he apologizes again, and again and again...right? ask yourself this, if he really meant his apology, would he repeat his behavior? This is one thing I have also noticed in my mothers relationship, the on going cycle of apologize-and-do-again.

[Gigabitch]

I think you should stay with him, but get yourself sterilized. Clearly, this "relationship" works for you, and if you're the kind of girl that thinks that the way he's treating you isn't abuse, you're perfect for him...

...but if you bring a child into this mess, I hope you fall into a pit of molten lava.

If you've don't all the research you say you have, you know damned well this is abuse. He doesn't have to hit you very hard to abuse you, you silly cow, and I don't feel sorry for you AT ALL.

[Lonely Island]

[IndiReloaded]

i have seen many many scenarios such as this one and in none of them does the girl ever leave the guy.

This^ is so terribly sad, Miso. But, I do believe there must be the occasional woman who is intelligent enough to see beyond her situation and find the courage to act before things degenerate too badly. I bet you those women are incredibly rare & special, but they must exist.

[misombra]

they exist in lollipop land.

well okay i did witness one woman leave her husband. this is the family we got our dog kubla from. she left him after he beat the hell out of her numerous times right in front of her two children. boys who i'm sure will passing on the legacy. she went back to him a month later and now she's getting beat up again.

[Gigabitch]

This^ is so terribly sad, Miso. But, I do believe there must be the occasional woman who is intelligent enough to see beyond her situation and find the courage to act before things degenerate too badly. I bet you those women are incredibly rare & special, but they must exist.

Tina Turner is the only one that comes to mind. Oh, and that Susan Powter lady, too.

My mom didn't pull it together. She waited 17 years until I got mouthy enough to start getting beat up too. I wouldn't take it, stole the family car and said I would never come home until he was out. I told them they had two weeks and after that, I was leaving town.

He decided to leave. She told me I was being "unreasonable", and kept sleeping with him for at least a year after he moved out. He used to come over to our house when I was at work. I could smell his Old Spice when I walked in the door.

Now she takes credit for "getting out of that cycle". Makes me want to smack her, myself.

I have NO patience for women that make excuses or try to rationalize evil behavior.

If I could reach you, gerber, I'd smack you too.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Reminds me of a song by Eve called "Love is Blind".

Her friend was in an abusive relationship with this guy and she kept running to live with Eve but when the guy came for her she always went running back. He got her pregnant and raped her and everything and still bussed her ass and she still kept running back even when Eve was tryin to tell her to stay away from him. But the last time he got her to come back, he killed her. He had the audacity to show up to her funeral too, and Eve shot him LOL.

[Gigabitch]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GovJ4jAnr14"]YouTube - Dixie Chicks - Goodbye Earl[/ame]

[IndiReloaded]

True friends are the ones who will help you get rid of the body, oh yes.