Male Ego and Insecurity

[Junket]

Well thanks, sunshine.

Hooray for disgruntled-ness!

::sigh::

I could go for a cheesesteak...c'mon Giga, I'm buyin'.

[Gigabitch]

Right on. I just changed out the faucet on my kitchen sink, so I'm feeling almost manly. I could go for a cheesesteak.

[IndiReloaded]

Stop making excuses for him, Giga. His flirting with others (esp to the extent that it is apologized for) is insulting to you. And yes, its a slippery slope that could easily lead to cheating, sorry, but cheating is all about willingness AND opportunity, which he is creating w/this flirting. I agree w/Vash, he's too old to behave this way.

I can only think of two solutions for this, however. Tell him all this and insist he stops b/c its offensive to you or start to flirt shamelessly with other men yourself. Sauce for the goose... etc.

[Illusional]

bottom line, if this is a constant problem, then i would definitely bring it up.

being that you already brought it up with him, and he only thinks about this after you mention something, i would cut off his balls or you should stop giving him bj's just to remind him.

i'm always up for a good blow if you ever feel the need to tingle on tongue on some sausage though.

raverboy

[anachronistic]

Was zur Hölle??

I thought this thing was going great... guess not... anyway I think Indie has summed up what you should do. Let me know how it goes!

[Gigabitch]

Eh, it's pretty close to great. He still gets a good report card in the boyfriend department, but he's not perfect.

I think it's fixable. I just have to find some way to show him that flirting makes him seem insecure and needy rather than charming.

I think Vashti's idea of telling him that my friends are sorry for me might be just the ticket. He prides himself on being the best boyfriend of the bunch, and if I tell him they think he's failing, maybe he'll have an epiphany.

Don't you think I'd lose my position as She Who Does No Wrong if I were to flirt shamelessly with other men? Wouldn't he take that as a sign that it's acceptable to me?

[anachronistic]

Ofcourse you would. That would be very hypocritical of you. Don't do that. I think you should confront him instead. Using the friend apologizing as your backup is just perfect for that.

[Mish]

Red flag or no big deal?

I think it's both

Yeh

Red flag because I don't think you will be able to change that part of him. Whatever part of his personality drives him to do this it seems pretty hard wired into him and to change that you would have to rearange him on a sub-molecular level (I'm not quite sure if you are ready to do that).

Not a big deal because since niether you nor himself will be able to change that part of him, you will only aggravate him by bringing this up so you will have to somehow disregard this all together. Maybe by telling yourself that it's not a big deal.

Why do I say this? Because I had something very similar happen. One of my exs kept on telling me that I pay too much attention to other women (She was the only one who ever said that) when I thought attention I give to other women is nothing out of the ordinary (I think Caliboy probably thinks that way as well). She became a security sentry guarding the direction of my eyeballs. Everytime my eyeball moved into the vicinity of another female, dozens of alarms and sirens would go off and security gates would go down on me faster than the speed of thought. As punishment I would be subjected to a penal labour of brutal nagging. I know your situation is not that bad and I think Caliboy is probably worse than I am in that regard, but remembering how I felt when I was nagged, how the senses beyond my control were consistenly and mercilessly assualted I can come up with a conclusion that trying to change that part of him will not end well.

[IndiReloaded]

I think Vashti's idea of telling him that my friends are sorry for me might be just the ticket. He prides himself on being the best boyfriend of the bunch, and if I tell him they think he's failing, maybe he'll have an epiphany.

Why are you being such a coward about this? Who gives a crap what your friends think? Ultimately, its you who has to live with him. If you find his behaviour insulting, you should tell him so. Clearly; and for your reasons, not anyone else's. The 'well, everyone else thinks you're an ass too' just means (to him) that you have discussed this with everyone but him. Its not an open way to go about solving issues. In fact, in its own way (to lots of men especially who wouldn't dream of mentioning this to someone other than their partner), it is just as insulting to him as what he is doing to you.

FWIW

[vashti]

Well, to be perfectly clear about what I said, I said she should tell him that her friends contacted HER to discuss this (which they did).

[IndiReloaded]

Yes, that is quite a lot different. And it could be mentioned, but only as an additional point of relevance to the main issue.

However, in my experience, once a male has his back up it doesn't much matter if God him (or her) self comes down & nods agreement.

I just read this & will make one last comment:

I just have to find some way to show him that flirting makes him seem insecure and needy rather than charming.

Actually Giga, no you don't. If it doesn't bother him & it doesn't bother you, then you don't have to 'show him' anything about this. Lots of women live with flirty partners & it doesn't bother them one whit. Its his issue only if he chooses to recognize it as one. Kind of like the way my husband sometimes wears his sweaters backwards. He honestly doesn't care, so I don't let it bother me.

So now, whose issue is this really? If its yours then own up to it. But don't make this sound like you're doing him a noble service fixing his problem if its really yours. Check your motives.

[Gigabitch]

So now, whose issue is this really? If its yours then own up to it. But don't make this sound like you're doing him a noble service fixing his problem if its really yours. Check your motives.

Ha! I don't see it as a noble service, I see it as a possibly effective manipulation. If I can humiliate him, he will be much more likely to change the behavior.

He really cares what other people think of him. He wants to be perceived as friendly and charming. If I can convince him that he's looking like a pathetic wanker instead, I may be able to get what I want. It's quite self-serving.

I thought you knew me better than that.

[IndiReloaded]

Meh, just checking, no worries Gig.

Tho, I guess in matters of guys looking like doinks (where it doesn't directly affect me) I'm quite prepared to let mine engage in their own Voyage of Self-Discovery. Unless he asks directly for my help, in which case I turn my not-insignificant sights on the problem.

Maybe CaliBoy is wary of aiming your Laser Cannon at his soft-butter underbelly?

If you are serious about manipulating him, have you considered getting your support group of friends to seriously embarrass them of their own initiative when he flirts? This has the advantage that you stay apparently removed from the issue. Then he can come to you for support w/o him feeling like you helped expose his underbelly. Or he may change & not mention it to you at all, which is even better (and less time-consuming) for you.

[Gigabitch]

He should be. I'm generally pretty nice to him, but that doesn't mean I can't put my foot down when it really matters.

[IndiReloaded]

So what did he say when you told him his flirting with women is hurtful, disrespectful to you & your relationship AND it makes him look like a needy arsehole who can't appreciate a good thing when he's got it?