Marriage versus Career Dilemma

[BlueberryCookie]

I don't see any of this as 'sacrifice' on your part....this is simply part of any relationship. You wouldn't have had to put your life on hold to do any of this for him.

Thanks for pointing this out. I never realized I was putting his life on hold. I guess this means he was ready to marry me from long ago but I never knew and simply thought he was enjoying the relationship. No wonder he is giving an ultimatum. I now understand where this is coming from.

[BlueberryCookie]

No, it's not blackmail. He's just tired of forgoing things which are important to him while you get your own needs met.

While you are afraid he will raise this issue in the future, he's probably wondering if you will ever stop putting yourself and your career before his needs.

Those were his exact words, in fact. I can now understand his resentment. I wish I knew this earlier and just broke up with him. But I've now been with him for 4 years now. Do you think I can ask him to wait till the end of my postdoc to get married?

[basilandthyme]

Thanks for pointing this out. I never realized I was putting his life on hold. I guess this means he was ready to marry me from long ago but I never knew and simply thought he was enjoying the relationship. No wonder he is giving an ultimatum. I now understand where this is coming from.

I think he's probably been reasonably happy to put his life on hold for this amount of time. But he's had enough of waiting around for your career and now needs to have a turn at having his goals prioritised.

[basilandthyme]

Those were his exact words, in fact. I can now understand his resentment. I wish I knew this earlier and just broke up with him. But I've now been with him for 4 years now. Do you think I can ask him to wait till the end of my postdoc to get married?

Of course you can't ask him to continue waiting. Have you heard nothing he's said? He's waited long enough and isn't prepared to put himself on the back burner any longer. It's time to either repay his sacrifices or move on.

You say that you didn't know he felt this way. This seems odd to me. Did he give his blessing to a LDR while you persued his career? Did he never discuss his timeline of wanting children?

[basilandthyme]

Quick question: if you decide to persue your career - and end things with this guy - would you accept the risk of age related infertility?

If you can't have kids, would you look back with regret at your decisions?

[BlueberryCookie]

Of course you can't ask him to continue waiting. Have you heard nothing he's said? He's waited long enough and isn't prepared to put himself on the back burner any longer. It's time to either repay his sacrifices or move on.

You say that you didn't know he felt this way. This seems odd to me. Did he give his blessing to a LDR while you persued his career? Did he never discuss his timeline of wanting children?

Thanks for making it clear to me. He didn't give his blessing to a LDR previously. He had mentioned that he wanted children soon but we did not discuss when specifically.

[basilandthyme]

So if he didn't give his blessing to a LDR...and he disclosed that he wanted children 'soon'. In all honesty, I believe you would have been well aware of the sacrifices he was making for you.

I think you need to stop making out that he's unsupportive. In fact, he's been very supportive but the time has come for you to support him.

I also believe you need to be honest with yourself about how you got to this point. It's false to say that you would have ended things if you'd known how he felt. After all, you *did* know how he felt and yet you continued with the relationship.

[fearoflove]

I think you should dump him because it seems like what you really want is take the postdoc opportunity. You might end up resenting him later if you don't do what you truely want.

[surfhb]

No Brainer! Do whats most important to you Only you know this question

[BlueberryCookie]

Quick question: if you decide to persue your career - and end things with this guy - would you accept the risk of age related infertility?

If you can't have kids, would you look back with regret at your decisions?

Yes, I would regret it. But I would also regret it I was forced to have a baby by him. I would feel - why did I marry this guy who has no consideration for me?

[BlueberryCookie]

So if he didn't give his blessing to a LDR...and he disclosed that he wanted children 'soon'. In all honesty, I believe you would have been well aware of the sacrifices he was making for you.

I think you need to stop making out that he's unsupportive. In fact, he's been very supportive but the time has come for you to support him.

I also believe you need to be honest with yourself about how you got to this point. It's false to say that you would have ended things if you'd known how he felt. After all, you *did* know how he felt and yet you continued with the relationship.

We broke up a few times but he decided to later on be with me again because he said all the girls he dated were no better. Makes me wonder if he's with me just because there is no one else.

[BlueberryCookie]

Thanks for all your opinion..... Please remember to vote too

I want to hear as much opinion as I can so that I can make a balanced decision knowing how he feels, what type of guy he is, our compatibility / incompatibilities, the long-term prospect of the relationship, what I would gain and what I would lose with each decision..... thanxxxx

[basilandthyme]

I voted to persue your career and dump your boyfriend. The reason I voted for this because having children isn't even mentioned as a priority on your list of options. Your options are all about career and the relationship comes a clear second.

If you were really wanting motherhood, I'm sure it would have made it onto the graph.

Just make sure you don't end up having a successful career and regretting leaving motherhood too long. While we may be told that modern women can have it all, we actually can't. Truth is, we have to make some sacrifices along the way.

[BlueberryCookie]

I voted to persue your career and dump your boyfriend. The reason I voted for this because having children isn't even mentioned as a priority on your list of options. Your options are all about career and the relationship comes a clear second.

If you were really wanting motherhood, I'm sure it would have made it onto the graph.

Just make sure you don't end up having a successful career and regretting leaving motherhood too long. While we may be told that modern women can have it all, we actually can't. Truth is, we have to make some sacrifices along the way.

Thanks for pointing this out. It makes me more aware of how career-centered I am. I think I should make some room for marriage and motherhood soon - and unfortunately, this would require some sacrifice. I think I need to mentally prepare myself to make more sacrifices later too. I guess modern women can't have it all

[Boisdevie]

We broke up a few times but he decided to later on be with me again because he said all the girls he dated were no better. Makes me wonder if he's with me just because there is no one else.

If you'so incredibly intelligent, postdoc and all, can't you see how bad this is?