How long for engagement?

[virtuenote]

I agree with vashti. People should get along for at least 2-3 years before getting married to get to know each other better. After that time, usually the effects of the hormones / chemicals in our brain have subsided. That way, they will be able to make the decision regarding their supposedly lifetime relationship based on love they have for each other, and sound judgments.

And about the living together thing, I don't think it is necessary. What we need to know is our partner's personality. We don't have to live together to know him/her as long as we are willing to be honest to each other.

[Gigabitch]

Living together first is no guarantee that his behaviors won't change after you get married anyway. My ex-husband started out pretty good. By the end, he wouldn't lift a finger to do anything at all. I thought I was smart to live with him first and all that, but in the end, it did me no good.

[bluesummer]

I think 2 years is a nice standard, but it doesn't always need to be that long. I know people who've gotten married a year after they started dating and are still happy, as well as couple that were together 7 years or more before doing so. There's no set rule. I really believe you need to live together first though, because so many aspects of living together will determine whether you are truly compatible in the long term. Cleanliness, diet, finances....all these things will come into play and you'll get a real idea of whether each other's habits and preferences are in sync with the other's.

[iHEARTu]

I think that living with him is very important, actually. My brother and his girl lived together for 4 years and lived for 2 years together out of that 4 years. He said he found her annoying and didnt realize how bad until they lived together for so long. Seriously. I would rather live together with my bf and have him find me annoying and then break up with me than getting married to him and THEN having him tell me I'm annoying and divorce me. Besides i dont even think 4 years is long, but obviously she was just THAT annoying. :/

but whatever, idk.

[TheTooya]

I think.... spending a year living together in an apartment would be a minimum standard for me. I want to know what I am getting myself into, what I like/don't like about living with her... My current relationship, we have only had going for a year. I will be graduating grad school this year, she will be finishing her undergraduate degree early next year... and then maybe, we will live with each other in our own cozy apartment.... and experience eachothers faults much more..

[styla786]

However long you need. 12-18 months sounds good. Mine was 3 months, but we ended up eloping since he was being deployed.

[LOVE_CONFUSED]

My fiance and I were together for 4 months when he asked me to marry him. We'd know each other quite well through work for over 6 months and often chatted on the phone and he'd pop into my office for chats each week. We have very similar personas and gel together very well (he can put up with my moodiness as a woman and in return I can cope with his over-typical moody man ways)
We are planning to get married next summer too.
As long as you both feel that things are right, nothing should stop you.

[RockNRoll]

You are right, there are a lot of factors involved! to name just a few... Age and general maturity play a great role. It's not just the amount of time, but also the quality of time spent together that counts. Views on marriage are important as well.

There is no right or wrong. It depends what you want from life and how you see your ideal relationship, I guess.

Let's take mid 20s - early 30s+ who is ready and looking to get married and have family. For someone a year could be enough to decide. I think you get to understand if you don't want to marry a person earlier, so 6 month could be enough in that sense: you get to know if you need more time, or you've seen enough and that's not going to happen.
To me, 1,5 or 2 years seems like a right time to get engaged. Plus it takes time (sometimes really long) till the actual wedding.

Sure, it's good to live together for some time before marriage, but I personally think that this should be a reasonably short time. If you want to get married eventually, why not just do it? If not, than what's the point? But I admit that for some people it works out in different ways.

As for your situation... I don't know how long have you been living together and to what extend you discussed future/family, etc??? And what are your and his expectations and views on marriage? Just by the time you've been together I would agree with your friend, he could have proposed just after 3 years or even earlier. Maybe he is waiting for 4 years? The most important that you two have a good communication about your future.

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it appears to be a really old thread!

[Neuro]

I was with a guy for two years when I thought he was the one for me. When we began planning our lives together, however, I realized he was not... I could have found this out before the two years had passed, but it just was not the right time... In short, everyone is different. I would wave huuuuuge stop signs at you any time before the two-year mark, but then again, you may be different... I know couples that have gotten married within the first month of their relationship (I kid you not!!!) and are now happily married with children and in love. I know couples who have been together for years before tying the knot and got a divorce immediately after it... Use your best judgement. Nobody can tell you what is best for you here because nobody knows what is going on in your head or in your partners head. Or in your hearts. Just be smart. One thing I can tell you, however, is that is is ALWAYS better to wait than to rush. But how long that wait is is up to you... Best of luck.

[devonbrown]

Just to add my two cents, I think the length of time is less important than having both of the people involved think the same way. If you think it should be 2 years at least and he thinks 6 months, it is not likely to work. If you think you should live with someone first and he is dead set against that, it is not likely to work. I think that marriage and what leads up to marriage is one of the things where similar thinking patterns is very important. Otherwise, you always have that stress between you.

[VincenzoG91]

For me, one year would be the absolute minimum before engagement, and I would definitely want to live together for another year before marriage. For those who aren't comfortable with living together before marriage, at least try traveling together. It's like living together for a short time, plus the stress of travel can bring defects into the open more quickly.

[Stina83]

I'd say 2 yrs too. But everyone has different standards, everyone is different. So whatever works, you know?