Should I?

[haxan]

Go for it, for sure ! Just keep your eyes wide open and don't delude yourself into thinking something is there, if it isn't, and you'll be fine.

[missanthrope]

Another question for the dudes...

I'm not a naive person. I've had my fair share of boyfriends/sexual partners and am in no way, shape or form ashamed about the act of sex or making love. However (!) I know that not many people think about this as freely as I do, and some men might use sex with an ex as a means to play around with her/just get a free hump and move on.

The last times my ex and I had sex (this November, so about 4 months ago), he was very open to me, telling me he still loved me, kissing me hard on the mouth, etc. Before I left to move back to NY many eons ago (I can't believe I still remember this!) we had stopped being so intimate with me during sex and the kissing started to trail off due to just normal familiarity. Sex was still good and still very satisfying, but we didn't kiss passionately during the act like we used to. The last times we had our most recent sex (when I last stayed for a visit after my work trip), it was amazing, connected sex. And afterwards even when I returned to NY from my vacation we stayed in affectionate contact every day for about two months until he told me he was sending me mixed signals. I am pretty sure that was all about his confliction/uneasiness with pursuing something long term over long distance because he had no idea then that I was already planning to move back.

I'm just thinking out loud here... but will me having sex with him again in April hinder any chance of a reconciliation? I want to play my cards right without being manipulative (i.e. using my vagina to "trap" him... because my sex is good! Hah. Seriously, I'll clean his clock lol). I know some guys just take it as a free hump and nothing more, but I can't help but notice that the last time we had sex (every day almost over the span of my two week vacation), it was very intense and he was extremely affectionate afterwards. I've had sex with men I did not love and am capable of completely shutting off the emotion valve during sex, but after what transpired on my last trip to Italy I'm not so sure he was able to do that with me (i.e. separate the act from the emotions). Many years before that when I dated an ex before him, we both had sex with each other after we had completely moved on and once it was done it was like, "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" on both parts. No affection, no cuddling, no long talks about how nice it is to be together again. I should also mention that NOT ONCE during my trip in November did I bring up reconciliation. He did while we were eating dinner out in a restaurant and he put my hand in his (so adorable, he's 6'2" and I'm 5'1". His hands are so big!). I was cool as a cucumber and even said to him in the car on the ride there, "you know, it's just sex between us now. There is nothing more. It means nothing more" (because I truly believed it didn't and was ready to accept it), but he answered (to my great and happy surprise!) "no, it does mean something more. It's not just sex." I was extremely proud of myself and cool as a cucumber that trip and we got along great. Not one argument or disagreement, but not because I wanted to please him. I had gone into it knowing full well that it didn't mean reconciliation, but he threw me for a loop when _he_ became the one to emotionally respond more to seeing me than I expected. That's why after two months of talking to me every day, calling me beautiful, telling me he missed my smile and my cuddles, the "I don't want to send mixed signals" is really messing with my head now! If he had never mentioned reconciliation to me, I would still be pretty nonchalant about it.

Basically: do you think if I have sex with him (because I want to!!), will it hinder a reconciliation?

___

I guess I should also mention that the last time I saw him (this past November) I invited him over to the apartment where I was staying for dinner (I got our favorite Moroccan takeout) and a movie, and when I moved closer to him on the couch he looked down at my unintentional cleavage and was, ahem, quite excited. It was very visible through his jeans. I know for sure this doesn't mean he wants a relationship again because sexual attraction =/= emotionality, but it definitely does mean that if I were to initiate sex in April, he will be receptive to it. The question is: should I? It's good to get a male opinion. Because Lord knows, I would love a romp... ahhaha.

[IndiReloaded]

Basically: do you think if I have sex with him (because I want to!!), will it hinder a reconciliation?

I don't see how. To withdraw or deny sex at this point would be manipulative.

Again, I see your confidence as somewhat of a facade. Your actions might say detached, but you really aren't. You are who you are, which includes your sexuality. What you need are answers, and the only way you are going to get them is to go in, whole hog.

Is there something else that is making you feel like you aren't his equal somehow? I'm getting this vibe from your posts. Aren't you a professional in your own right? Is he higher in status than you in terms of wealth or education or something? If not, I really don't see you have much of a problem. You sound like a spirited, earthy woman looking for a mate who can appreciate these qualities. If he doesn't, then move on. There are plenty of men who would (and sounds like has) enjoyed your company. You have options, keep this in mind.

BTW, I'm female. Married for 20 years and both of us professionals. So I know what you are looking for and how to get it. Its really all about confidence and authenticity. You are so close... just find that space where you are comfortable with who you are. Believe that the right man *will* appreciate you for it. You shouldn't have to work this hard at it, really.

[haxan]

I'm not sure I really even understand that post, missanthrope. You're going back over there, you're going to re-connect, you're going to have a physical and emotional re-union. Where it goes from there is anyone's guess. Just be yourself and go for it, if it doesn't work out, it won't be from any lack of effort or game playing on your part. You want something, you gave your all to make it happen, if it does wonderful, if it doesn't, nothing to be ashamed of, no regrets. NOTHING you could have done differently would've mattered then, ok?

I think you'll be fine. I'm not sure how old you are (25-28) I'm guessing. But if it doesn't work out, there are endless opportunities. If you worry too much about it, it will show. Be yourself and let it happen. If he loses interest or is ambivalent after awhile, so be it. That's how it was meant to end. Hopefully it'll be happily ever after though.

[IndiReloaded]

Great post Haxan. Interesting SN also. Welcome to the forum.

[haxan]

Thank you, and thanks for the welcome also !

[missanthrope]

All interesting replies! I'll try to answer each point one by one. I really appreciate you all taking the time out to speak.. er, type with me about this.

I don't see how. To withdraw or deny sex at this point would be manipulative.

When I last saw him in November, it was under the pretence that we would NOT have sex. After I saw that he had an erection that first night he visited me, I left a mental note in my head of "well, he's still attracted to me!" and a few days later I was the aggressor and we ended up having sex from that point on daily until the end of my trip. I have a feeling that he will see me this time and in his mind be against sex, and I will be the one to be the aggressor. I am not sure he still knows that I am really serious about moving back to Italy, so it may explain his hesitations. I know he cannot be in an LDR and I know that the last thing he wants to do is hurt me, so this retreating is probably his way of "protecting" me, not knowing full well that I am really serious about moving back, which I can't tell him because I am doing a self-imposed NC. I have always been there for him and I am purposely drawing back so he knows what it's like to miss me and so that I may indeed detach myself almost completely from him or to a point where I don't feel anxiety about being rejected. Which brings me to my next point...

Again, I see your confidence as somewhat of a facade. Your actions might say detached, but you really aren't. You are who you are, which includes your sexuality. What you need are answers, and the only way you are going to get them is to go in, whole hog.

The last time I saw him I was _quite_ confident because I placed zero expectations on myself. For me, it was just sex until he brought up the possibility of reconciliation and then I was "zomg! all in!" in my mind. I may have jumped the gun and it scared him, but it awoke some really serious feelings I had for him and I just couldn't help it. But until he brought up reconciliation, I was really okay with it going very slowly and it just being sex at that point in time. I felt like I had the upper hand, which is a silly thing to say anyway because relationships aren't about who has the upper hand and who doesn't.

Is there something else that is making you feel like you aren't his equal somehow? I'm getting this vibe from your posts. Aren't you a professional in your own right? Is he higher in status than you in terms of wealth or education or something? If not, I really don't see you have much of a problem. You sound like a spirited, earthy woman looking for a mate who can appreciate these qualities. If he doesn't, then move on. There are plenty of men who would (and sounds like has) enjoyed your company. You have options, keep this in mind.

Funny you mention that! I am actually what one would consider upper middle class, while he grew up in a single family household and his parents divorced when he was two and grew up pretty poor. I hate that he ever had to endure any hardships but they have made him into the brave and resourceful person he is today. We also differ in that I also will be obtaining my M.A. and he never attended college, though he is quite intelligent. I am from New York City and he is from Amarillo, Texas. Couldn't get any more opposite than that but we meshed and complimented one another. Where I am emotional, he is logical. When I was scared, he was brave. When he was sick, I had chicken soup. We always, always made each other laugh. I think he was the first guy I have been with in my whole life who is truly a man and not a boy. He respected me and protected me. He never let me sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door and he always walked on the side of the street closest to cars. When we were together he treated me like an absolute queen and I repaid him in kind.

We are both young professionals and while he is 7 years older than me, I am further along in my career than he is in his because he is much more content with his earnings while I am always striving for something more and squirreling away for the future. Just my nature. We balanced each other out quite well. The only issue I have is that emotionally he is hard to read. It might be the Texan thing or it could even be that he saw patterns of bad relationships growing up, but he is strong, tall and silent and needs physicality to express himself whereas I greatly enjoy physicality but can be much more cerebral. He's the type of guy who doesn't say "I love you" often but will build you the most beautiful shed for your backyard if you wanted him to. The type of guy who doesn't mince words, but when you need him, he's always there and gives the best man hugs. I taught English in Italy and saw one of my students after class get hit head on by a car right in front of my eyes at night school (she ended up being okay, thank God) and I called him hysterical. He got up right away and drove the normal 45 minute ride to my city (he lived in the mountains outside the city where I lived, but in the same province) in like 15 minutes and just held me for hours while I cried. That is the type of good, brave man he is. If we don't end up getting back together, I hope he finds someone who will cherish him, make him happy and take great care of him. We still hold each other in high esteem and he doesn't deserve anything less.

[IndiReloaded]

Well that's quite the post. I'm not sure you aren't over-fanatasizing things. Sorry if my response is a let down, but it seems to me you have romanticized this man and your relationship to a high degree in your mind. Of course, you could be reading all this exactly correct. I just hope he lives up to your expectations.

I don't have much more to offer you. I will say that the part I find most disturbing is the lack of apparent symmetry in your actions and feelings compared to your friend's. As I said before, that is a red flag to me, but my mindset is very orthogonal to what you describe. The best advice is really Haxan's, so I'll refer you back to it.

You're going back over there, you're going to re-connect, you're going to have a physical and emotional re-union. Where it goes from there is anyone's guess. Just be yourself and go for it, if it doesn't work out, it won't be from any lack of effort or game playing on your part. You want something, you gave your all to make it happen, if it does wonderful, if it doesn't, nothing to be ashamed of, no regrets. NOTHING you could have done differently would've mattered then, ok?

Good luck.

[missanthrope]

It's easy for someone who was not in the relationship to feel that way. There were aspects of his personality and, well, essence, that did not sit well with me just like there were things I did that he did not like. I just haven't mentioned them in this thread because I don't want to put a damper on things. I think in this case absence possibly is making my heart grow fonder, though. I can definitely see that and I can only hope he feels the same way.

I'll update all of you in April after I come back.

[haxan]

I'm just thinking out loud here... but will me having sex with him again in April hinder any chance of a reconciliation? I want to play my cards right without being manipulative (i.e. using my vagina to "trap" him... because my sex is good! Hah. Seriously, I'll clean his clock lol).

I guess I should also mention that the last time I saw him (this past November) I invited him over to the apartment where I was staying for dinner (I got our favorite Moroccan takeout) and a movie, and when I moved closer to him on the couch he looked down at my unintentional cleavage and was, ahem, quite excited. It was very visible through his jeans. I know for sure this doesn't mean he wants a relationship again because sexual attraction =/= emotionality, but it definitely does mean that if I were to initiate sex in April, he will be receptive to it. The question is: should I? It's good to get a male opinion. Because Lord knows, I would love a romp... ahhaha.

missanthrope, I really wasn't going to touch on this, but since you mentioned there were other things about him that didn't set well with you, I will. I know you say that you're not a naive person and have a lot of experience, but honestly, and this is from a man's pov only, you show a lot of naivety about the opposite sex as well as sex in general here, even though I know a bit of it was in jest.

True chemistry and a great connection doesn't waver when it exists. There can be other issues, but disinterest doesn't rear it's ugly head like you mentioned it did with him. I know you kind of said it jokingly (mixed with truth), but no matter how good it may be, or how pretty it is, you can't use your, as you say 'vagina' as a trap. You may think that you can, but it's really just something that we (a guy) will keep around until someone comes along that we have real chemistry with and will be quickly discarded. Only when we want what's between those cute little ears and inside that devilish little mind can it do it's owning

I do kind of like the Pavlovian response to the supposedly unintentional cleavage though ! I'm not so sure that was the actual reason, as much as him not having had sex for 4 months and probably being teased unmercifully, but it's a nice concept. If I were to fall victim to that, it would probably be to a cute tush in a sexy pair of low-cut sweats

IndiReloaded probably is on point with the facade plus a little bit of false bravado on top, but it's probably more of a defense mechanism than anything else. You're going to move there anyway right? So if it's a relationship you want, just go in like we said, all the way, and I think it will work out best for both of you in the end.

[missanthrope]

Thanks for your reply, haxan! I'm definitely not naive to think that you can "trap" a man with sex (bad choice of words), but I do know that a man can keep you around for sex until the next better thing comes along (just as some women can. I hate to admit it, but when I am between relationships, I certainly can). What I was trying to say was this: if I have sex with him and he ends up showing interest in me, I want it to be because he is interested in me and not just interested in regular sex again with someone familiar. Like most other people, I would want there to be real emotions involved.

I think the whole false bravado thing with him is probably because I just feel so unsure about it, plus there is a combination of raging hormones and the fact that I still care deeply for him. At this point, as someone else already mentioned here (might have been you?) the only thing keeping us apart now would be him if he chooses to not reconcile. I'm just nervous about that!

But if we don't, life does indeed go on. When I broke up with my ex before him, I was sad for a while too, but I ended up getting over it and I will do the same with him (my ex in Italy). Life has its ups and downs and highs and lows, but the thing is I don't want to go on knowing, "what if I didn't try?" I believe if you love someone, you should fight for it. That's what I'm going to do.

And if it doesn't work out, I end up still in Italy where I wanted to be all along. No harm done.

[haxan]

Thanks for your reply, haxan!

And if it doesn't work out, I end up still in Italy where I wanted to be all along. No harm done.

You're welcome, and you're exactly right !

[missanthrope]

Yup. Wanna see where I lived? On an unrelated note... lol





Adorable, right? Now you can see why I want to go back!

[oneandonly]

.....True chemistry and a great connection doesn't waver when it exists... .....

I agree. I'd also like to add that if it's the right person, it is really hard to mess up.

I think you are going in with a clear mind but don't think too much of what if this or what if that. Just be yourself. You only regret what you don't do. You may regret what you did but that eventually fades and don't linger on any longer than over what you didn't do.

Oh I love Italy, too and one day I will take off and do a road trip!

Hope everything goes well.

[IndiReloaded]

True chemistry and a great connection doesn't waver when it exists. There can be other issues, but disinterest doesn't rear it's ugly head like you mentioned it did with him.

This has been my experience as well. Even with distance, but I'm not sure its just a problem of communication style. This combination of defensiveness + his apparent reserve is deadly for sorting things out. I remember once being in this second-guessing feedback loop years ago and it was a terrible waste of time in the end. Good thing this trip to Italy is happening, its long overdue. Definitely let us know how it goes, I think we are all rooting for you!