I don't know how to Feel.

[indigosoul]

Thank Indigo for advice and that Is omething that I can do as i ahve done that in the past as well. Set a date and do something, but again we run into the problem that it may get cancelled due to his work schedule as he doesn't know what is shcedule is until Wednesday of that week for that week. Grrrr, ANd i agree with all of you.. It's just taking me some time to digest.

Then again, you need a contingency plan for when this happens. That he must be onboard about. Careful you don't slide into apathetic mode yourself. It sounds like your nearly there, I recognize the signs.

If plans regarding the outside world are tenuous, then set him a task he CAN do. You want to make him feel success in this. If he changes his schedule, then he brings you flowers. Or cooks dinner on the next day off. Or puts a fiver in the "Rosebuds new xxx fund". You get the idea.

If you both lose the will, then all is lost. And beware of thoughts like "why should I do all this??". In relationships, Love is NOT like war--winning is when you BOTH surrender. Leap of faith. All will be well.

[Rosebud]

Ok, But he has never given me flowers unless I said something about it, and then he would get them the next day. He's the type (now) that would just grab me and hug me and kiss me (hasn't french kissed me in a year unless I asked) and say he's sorry. I wish he was more like that but I knew this about him before getting this serious even though I didn't pay attention to that.

But I know what your saying though!

[indigosoul]

No, I meant how old is your guy?

And I have been assuming all along that he has a history of selfish behavior which you have tried to address repeatedly. Am I wrong? Most guys don't go from being selfless generous creatures to completely selfish overnight, and most girls will definitely be complaining about it right from the beginning, so I am assuming he is not unaware of your unhappiness.

Shh, you're setting up a Blame Game here. Past is PAST. No changing it. Unless she decides she has had it, then the best approach is to develop a set of criteria for FUTURE behaviour, along w/a reasonable time period and look for positive changes.

Living in the past will only continue to generate resentment. Let it go and move forward with hope. Eyes wide open, with a clear idea of what you want, and lots of love and hope is the only thing that will lead to an outcome with them together. If this is what you want. IMHO.

[whaywardj]

Okay. That's your starting point and your touchstone in all other things. Your daughter. Design approaches and develop methods of coping with everything you're going through, having in your mind a thought of the impact these things and your choices in them will have on her. That will give you a "rudder" to navigate with and should eliminate some confusion over what to do about some things. Does that make any sense?

[indigosoul]

Ok, But he has never given me flowers unless I said something about it, and then he would get them the next day. He's the type (now) that would just grab me and hug me and kiss me (hasn't french kissed me in a year unless I asked) and say he's sorry. I wish he was more like that but I knew this about him before getting this serious even though I didn't pay attention to that.

^^Excuse.

Remove "flowers" and replace with positive item of choice. Think about what I said about negatively psyching yourself before you even get going.

[indigosoul]

Okay. That's your starting point and your touchstone in all other things. Your daughter. Design approaches and develop methods of coping with everything you're going through, having in your mind a thought of the impact these things and your choices in them will have on her. That will give you a "rudder" to navigate with and should eliminate some confusion over what to do about some things. Does that make any sense?

Rosebud, this sounds very reasonable. I agree with Hayward.

(sorry W, for the prior ambiguity)

[Rosebud]

This is where I get frustrated. I want him, I love him, I respect him, and I can't imagine myself without him BUT he has to respect me or I lose interest. I'm already starting to feel as though I'm doing everything I'm doing because I'm comfortable and I'm not wanting to damage my daughter in any way. She adores her father, and when he's here I'm next to nothing (daddy is fun, mommy is discipline). If we could work on these things and come to a compromise somewhere, I would be the happiest person in the world. But there's always those times where things go back to normal and I don't want that to happen. I have excepted that me being at home with her doesn't compare to him working like he does ( I don't agree, I just accept he thinks that way)but thewr has to be a mutual respect somewhere.

[shh!]

I am mostly disturbed by his lack of partcipation with your daughter, to be honest Rosebud. Then again, I am not the kind of woman who needs a lot of positive reinforcement from my man, so I'll leave that portion for someone else to address.

Do you guys have friends with young children whose parenting skills you both admire, someone (male) who is very involved with his children? Maybe his good parenting will be infectious. Jeez, I have to force my husband to go away once in a while with the guys. He wouldn't dream of going away without us when the kids were little. We both consider parenting to be a shared responsibility.

[whaywardj]

Rosebud: ONE thing at a time. I thought you said your foremost priority was your daughter. Now, you're making it seem as if mutual respect is.

So, which is it?

[shh!]

I have excepted that me being at home with her doesn't compare to him working like he does ( I don't agree, I just accept he thinks that way)but thewr has to be a mutual respect somewhere.

Only a man with limited child care responsibilities would say this.

[indigosoul]

This is where I get frustrated. I want him, I love him, I respect him, and I can't imagine myself without him BUT he has to respect me or I lose interest. I'm already starting to feel as though I'm doing everything I'm doing because I'm comfortable and I'm not wanting to damage my daughter in any way. She adores her father, and when he's here I'm next to nothing (daddy is fun, mommy is discipline). If we could work on these things and come to a compromise somewhere, I would be the happiest person in the world. But there's always those times where things go back to normal and I don't want that to happen. I have excepted that me being at home with her doesn't compare to him working like he does ( I don't agree, I just accept he thinks that way)but thewr has to be a mutual respect somewhere.

Rosebud, right now you are saying things like above in an attempt to get out your frustration. Emotional discharge, as the jargon goes. So, fine, spew it out. And so you should. I'll certainly "listen". Its a necessary step to being able to then act on the rational solution. But AGAIN, don't get bogged down in your ranting. Seriously. Get it out, then let it go. If you start actually listening or believing what you're saying, you'll get "emotionally stuck" or worse. Doesn't matter if its truth. Its PAST, done, finito. Again, I've been there and its a really hard place to get unstuck from. Best avoided in the first place.

[indigosoul]

Only a man with limited child care responsibilities would say this.

Bitter, bitter lady, Shh. So, what should she DO about it?

[Rosebud]

Okay. That's your starting point and your touchstone in all other things. Your daughter. Design approaches and develop methods of coping with everything you're going through, having in your mind a thought of the impact these things and your choices in them will have on her. That will give you a "rudder" to navigate with and should eliminate some confusion over what to do about some things. Does that make any sense?

Yes it makes sense. I relate to what I think when it comes to us leaving one another or fighting (whihc is never done in front of her) or anythign like that. But the respect issues, and soem of the other ones I can't put her as my rudder. Or am I totally not getting what your saying??

[whaywardj]

Yes and no. Why do you PERSIST in not listening? ONE STEP AT A TIME. STOP the music in your head. QUIT constructing outcomes for a few minutes.

All you know right now FOR SURE -- or so you say -- is that your daughter is your foremost priority. Given that, what comes next?

[Rosebud]

I am mostly disturbed by his lack of partcipation with your daughter, to be honest Rosebud. Then again, I am not the kind of woman who needs a lot of positive reinforcement from my man, so I'll leave that portion for someone else to address.

Do you guys have friends with young children whose parenting skills you both admire, someone (male) who is very involved with his children? Maybe his good parenting will be infectious. Jeez, I have to force my husband to go away once in a while with the guys. He wouldn't dream of going away without us when the kids were little. We both consider parenting to be a shared responsibility.

When he is here She is the priority to him. He plays with her, he talks to her everything. Don't get me wrong he is a good father, a very good father. I know he would do anything for her. No we do have a lot of friends that are parents but to be honest they were all very very young when they had them and they are very irresponsible.

And Hayward, like I said I ahve so many feeligns and confusions right now I don't whether I'm coming or going. But I know everything I do and or put up with is for my daughter. I'm her learning tool right now and I take that very serious!

Indigo, I'm sorry.. I'm trying to listen to all this and I may be misunderstanding what you guys are saying. I thank you very much though this is really helping me right now. So ok, let me re-read what you wrote before so I can think about it better.