Very unhappy

[girl68]

But how can I reconcile this to no sex? I can't, I just can't.

if we work on our sex problem I will stay, but she still says no and flatly refuses to discuss her reasons.

I am seeing my oldest and best friend from school days tonighht for a drink so will be leaning very heavily on his shoulder.

1) you shouldn't have to be the only one giving in. remember all the compramise bullshit we all preach- well you are willing, she is not.
2) she won't even give in to discussing the problem at all? how is that "trying"? again, you are willing, she is not.
3) you need your friends right now, they're there for you.

Is she just stubborn as hell? She's really willing to throw away her husband because of this?

Stuart, I know you're going to feel like running out and boning someone immediately, but I hope you don't. I really believe that she can be brought around if she talks to the right person. I don't know who that is, but I hold out hope for the possibility.

Unfortunately I don't agree. If she's willing to seperate, and refuses to seek help of any sort- even if it is just to unleash not seek advice, she's a "her way or the highway" Stuart- she just gave dumped you on the side of the freeway. But it's rushhour, and you aren't going to get anywhere fast.

One of her few negative traits is that she is INCREDIBLY stubborn and has never backed down on anything in all the time I've known her.

I am so tempted to go out looking for sex straight away, but I think you are right Gigabitch, I must hold off initially to see if she can be talked round. I just cannot fathom what is going on in her head, but it must be serious to throw everything away

That's sad! I mean we all preach about how we'd try and compramise and all that shit. But now you run into where she won't have sex with you and won't even tell you why! Why should you give her everything, and she gives nothing. All she does is want, want, want all you do is give, give, give. Poor you.

[Gigabitch]

Totally. I almost want to give him a sympathy blowjob.

[IndiReloaded]

No, cheating isn't the answer unless she agrees that you can "subcontract".

Bwhahahaha!

Who said women aren't funny?

Ahem. Sorry. Back to regular scheduled thread.

Stu, I'm on the near side of 40 too, with my husband for 1/2 that time. We still do the dirty. Your wife isn't holding up her end of the the bargain, I agree with everything Giga has been saying.

Oh, and if you go behind her back then you will have handed her the perfect excuse not to put out, EVER again. Don't go there. Right now, right is on your side. Take it to the counsellor, pronto.

[DoesntMatter]

Stu, I'm on the near side of 40 too, with my husband for 1/2 that time. We still do the dirty.

Gross. 40 year olds should not be allowed to have sex

[IndiReloaded]

Yes, your parents still do it too, DM. Sorry to inform:

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtHEZpA9g2A"]YouTube - Ikea Ad/Commercial - Horny Parents[/ame]

[Mish]

We have both now reluctantly agreed that separartion is the only solution. She is just as upset as I am and has told me I will never find anyone who loves me as much as she does.

Yeah, she loves you so much she's willing to divorce you instead of talking about the problem. That really shows the extent of her love.

[Stuart2]

Gross. 40 year olds should not be allowed to have sex

DM if that was meant to be a joke I didn't find it funny.

[Stuart2]

Having had another huge row with her where we both ended up in tears, I seem to have forced some answers, albeit like pulling teeth.

Two reasons: sex is dirty if it is not for the intention of creating offspring and contraception goes against her understandings of the teachings of the catholic church.

Therefore she won't have sex as we will be doing it without intending or hoping for children, and that using contraception to avoid that possibility is utterly and fundamentally wrong in her eyes.

How can I get round this? I can't see anyway other than to contiue the separation route. I will be very reluctant to have sex with someone else at the moment as for exactly the same reason as a valued earier poster said, I will have lost the right to expect this of her. But I can't wait forever, if I could then we wouldn't have had this crisis in the first place!

[misombra]

well, divorce is frowned upon in the catholic church as well. she needs to pick her sin.

tell her to do it and then promise a trip to the confessional the next morning.

[Stuart2]

well, divorce is frowned upon in the catholic church as well. she needs to pick her sin.

tell her to do it and then promise a trip to the confessional the next morning.

That's a very good point about divorce, thanks. It hadn't even crossed my stressed and confused mind.

[Stuart2]

Ah, another problem... she will not actually divorce me she says. If I can't live without the sex then we should split but divorce is not an option as that is also a sin she says.

[Mish]

If you divorce her then she will not have a choice in the matter and will be committing "a sin by proxy".

It sounds like her mindset has been warped by whatever fundamentalist community she associates with. There is nothing in the bible that says it is a sin for a married couple to have sex and I have known a number of Religious people who insist that the church encourages married couples to lead healthy sex lives. As a wife she may actually be committing a sin by denying you a healthy sex life, you may need to research this and find a Catholic priest who will confirm this (searching through internet you will find many). You may find her opening up more easily if she becomes aware of these facts.

[Stuart2]

If you divorce her then she will not have a choice in the matter and will be committing "a sin by proxy".

It sounds like her mindset has been warped by whatever fundamentalist community she associates with. There is nothing in the bible that says it is a sin for a married couple to have sex and I have known a number of Religious people who insist that the church encourages married couples to lead healthy sex lives. As a wife she may actually be committing a sin by denying you a healthy sex life, you may need to research this and find a Catholic priest who will confirm this (searching through internet you will find many). You may find her opening up more easily if she becomes aware of these facts.

Thanks very much for this... I will look into it as I will do anything to try and save things. I know for sure she won't talk to our parish priest as she would be mortified and regards herself as a key member of the local catholic community.... but there may be an outside chance I could show her something on the net or failing that having researched it get her to talk to another priest out of the parish. Anything is worth a shot as I don't want to lose her

[Riyko]

*read the whole thread*

The one thing that kept popping up in my mind was (since you said you two don't spend anytime alone since having the kids) asking a friend or family member to watch the kids for a night, rent a hotel room (before hand), take her out to dinner and then go back to the hotel and talk or have sex. Or even do something you guys did when you we're dating.

Second thing is what did you guys do about sex when you got married? I mean because you've been married for 15 years and that'd mean you'd be having sex for pleasure for around 9-10 years before she got pregnant with your first child, how did she see sex then?

Also I'd recommend going to a church counselor to talk about what's going on, if she really loves you, she'll want to work on making the marriage work.

[Stuart2]

*read the whole thread*

The one thing that kept popping up in my mind was (since you said you two don't spend anytime alone since having the kids) asking a friend or family member to watch the kids for a night, rent a hotel room (before hand), take her out to dinner and then go back to the hotel and talk or have sex. Or even do something you guys did when you we're dating.

Second thing is what did you guys do about sex when you got married? I mean because you've been married for 15 years and that'd mean you'd be having sex for pleasure for around 9-10 years before she got pregnant with your first child, how did she see sex then?

Also I'd recommend going to a church counselor to talk about what's going on, if she really loves you, she'll want to work on making the marriage work.

Hi Rikyo
Some very good points, many thanks. I have broached the idea of a night away but to lukewarm response, but I could try again.

As for the 9 - 10 year period, it took us that long before we conceived our first, with the two others following not long after.