My girlfriend and my ex . . . ISSUES

[augustus06]

You know what this is not an issue, all the OP needs to do is just talk about his child with his ex, do not engage in conversastion with her. Hey guess what your with someone who doesn't want you talking with your ex! want break up with her over it? end relationship over an ex then do it but your girlfriend better off without you and your drama then.

Please explain my drama and please explain why you see this as such a zero sum issue.

[augustus06]

If she trusted him implicitly this wouldn't be an issue then would it?

According to the OP's original post he's talked to his ex twice since 2008 so it's hardly an issue, yet it is because she is choosing to make it one, and as for the texts (couple a week) I'd just ignore any that did not relate to the kid.

Only thing I could glean for the GF's response was she doesn't want him talking to / discussing things with his ex because she doesn't trust her. Sounds to me that she doesn't trust either his judgement or his ability to manage the relationship with the ex either which is why she has to have so much input into it, seems it's ok for him to communicate with his ex as long as it's on her terms.

I just think this is about control

To clarify, I've had two significant conversations with her since '08. And you're on target about the texts. Actually, all of her texts are about him. Thank YOU.

[augustus06]

The girlfriend responds......My beau, the amazing man that he is, has done a great job in describing how he feels about the one situation in our relationship that causes much angst between us. I fell in love with him for this very reason of being able to express himself in the written form so eloquently, not always as well verbally. With that said (the sound of a record scratching), there is the issue of the EX.

Now, I am a very private and guarded individual, however my beau is a very public and unguarded. He likes to refer to me as suspicious of everyone, and rightfully so. It also may be a little relevant to know that I do have a dual Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy and Licensed Mental Health, not practicing though. So, I know crazy. I am not the jealous type nor am I insecure or crazy and my beau has not given me any reason to be. However, he has been unaware quite often of the underlying motives in the case of the EX, and now it's no longer underlying.

My beau has explained that his EX is not the most honest person, nor did she have his best interest in mind before, during or after the marriage. It’s also important to know that she does not share the same values in regards to family and education, but people change. With that said, "Can a leopard change its spots?" It can hide or camouflage them, but the spots are still there. Error on the side of caution. Seeing as though I'm not stupid or dysfunctional by definition, I am fully aware of the communication that is needed between two parents and it's even better when it's civil. However, this EX has just come to the stark realization that she wants to be a parent now that her ex (my beau) has moved on and up (to a deluxe apartment in the sky). So the brief, short, almost non-existent communication before “for the sake of the child," in the very beginning of our relationship, has now ramped up, since she can no longer manipulate him or the situation. He would argue that there may have been a little conversation before, but now it's a lot more exploratory or "casual". Honey, there's a new Sheriff in town and she doesn't take to kindly to being taken advantage of nor the people she cares about.

In summation, the EX is a user and unfortunately there is a child involved who may or may not be used as a pawn to open up a conversation or to get his attention. Mind you, that does not mean she may not have some redeeming qualities, but she’s not my concern. My complaint is that my beau does not seem to think this is not a possibility. In the time that we've been together, his ex has suddenly turned over a new leaf, something that she was not willing to do even in marriage counseling for "the sake of the child". Please spare me, game recognizes game. Regardless of whether it is slick way to pry or not, if he keeps it moving, short and to the point, still being cordial and respectful then he won't fall prey to misinterpretation. I trust him implicitly. I don't trust her. She does not have my interests in mind and seeing as though she no longer has access to him at will; the only other key to the lock is the child.

Out of respect for me and our relationship, my beau should not find it difficult to talk about what is being discussed because it will be necessary when we are married. It is important to share and keep the lines of communication open with the one who loves you and has your best interest at heart. I appreciate all of you who commented and your opinions, regardless of whether you agreed or disagreed. I especially appreciate those of MerryH, surfhb, and Hello1. At least you all know there are two sides to a story and rather than commenting with a disclaimer, you all waited for the rest of the story. Hello1, I couldn't have said it better myself.

Forgive me for any misspellings because it is in the wee hours of the morning that I am responding, however I know it means a lot to my beau and I love him for opening himself to public scrutiny for the sake of love and understanding.

Thanks for posting, baby. Love you.

[jgunprodigy]

Those are almost my exact words. Uncanny! I just hope he realizes that this is why she is his EX because she didn't want to have a conversation when they were married or even after the divorce, but now she has learned the art of communication. You don't have to be nasty, just keep it moving. I always asks my ex's, if they happen to strike up a conversation, "How can I help you?" Nice and to the point.

[jgunprodigy]

Thanks. Those are almost my exact words. Uncanny! I just hope he realizes that this is why she is his EX because she didn't want to have a conversation when they were married or even after the divorce, but now she has learned the art of communication. You don't have to be nasty, just keep it moving.

[MerryH]

I always asks my ex's, if they happen to strike up a conversation, "How can I help you?" Nice and to the point.

But do you have kids with any of those exes? That changes everything about why and how you should interact with an ex.

Honestly, I thought you were going to come in here and basically go, "No. He's downplaying how much he actually talks to her. They have deep, intimate discussion often." Or that she has acted inappropriately and tried to interfere with your relationship. But it's nothing like that at all. So I think you're making too big of a deal about this.

If you trust him, then trust him to not allow her to manipulate him or whatever you're worried about her doing. Let him handle it himself. You will all be much better off letting go of the past, trusting each other (even trusting the ex, to an extent,) and trying to make it work in a positive manner. If you hate his ex so much and have so much bitterness and contempt and distrust for her, you wouldn't want any of that unintentionally rubbing off on the kid. So just shrug your shoulders and try to be cool about his ex.

[hello1]

I just don't get why he has to have conversations with her not about the child? Why is everyone having a go at her about that? its not like shes like, dont talk to her at all

[augustus06]

But do you have kids with any of those exes? That changes everything about why and how you should interact with an ex.

Honestly, I thought you were going to come in here and basically go, "No. He's downplaying how much he actually talks to her. They have deep, intimate discussion often." Or that she has acted inappropriately and tried to interfere with your relationship. But it's nothing like that at all. So I think you're making too big of a deal about this.

If you trust him, then trust him to not allow her to manipulate him or whatever you're worried about her doing. Let him handle it himself. You will all be much better off letting go of the past, trusting each other (even trusting the ex, to an extent,) and trying to make it work in a positive manner. If you hate his ex so much and have so much bitterness and contempt and distrust for her, you wouldn't want any of that unintentionally rubbing off on the kid. So just shrug your shoulders and try to be cool about his ex.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! The "deepest" convo I've had with my ex, since 2008 mind you, was the clear-the-air talk we had last week. Since I have a forum of unbiased folks to read these words, let me make the following points clear.

1. My GF has yet to meet my ex, as in say a simple verbal hello. I take the blame, because I should have taken the initiative to introduce them.

2. My ex has NEVER verbally expressed a desire to "spend time" with me or hang out for old time's sake or anything of that nature. To be honest, when I have picked my son up from her place, she has offered me food, drink, and snacks. It was done out of courtesy, but my GF believes it was a clandestine way to get back into my life. My GF has even presented the "what if she comes to the door in lingerie" scenario (ew). My answer is twofold: (1.) On my ex's BEST day, she could NEVER compete with my GF in lingerie and (2.) I wouldn't be turned on, anyway.

3. I took the initiative to send a clear signal that I have moved on by introducing myself to my ex's current boyfriend with a smile and a handshake. Neither he nor my ex knew how to take it, but I must say that it calmed a lot of anxieties down. And, NO, I haven't hung out with them as the third wheel. LOL

My conscience is very clear on this issue, which is why I am going to the lengths of even getting this sort of feedback. My GF called me after she read this and told me how much she loves me for taking this sort of risk. So my question is this. If I would take THIS sort of risk, doesn't that give some indication that my love for her is strong enough to NOT let my ex get between us??? I'm trying to get my GF to see, via your responses, that I'm not some isolated case of a poor, foolish man who won't be able to recognize when his ex is up to no good. Yes, there are lingering issues of money, but I need my GF to work with ME not focus energy on my EX.

Am I FRIENDS with my ex? NO. To my GF's credit, I came to realize that being a friend to my ex may be an unrealistic expectation based on the things she has done to me. But as Bo pointed out, being CIVIL is a key component if I'm serious about my son growing and developing. Being a divorced father is more like being a politician at times, and I'm sure he would agree.

By the way, my GF can tell you that my son is a happy, fun-loving child. She's had the pleasure of flying paper airplanes with him, playing video games with him, and having great conversations with him. She's been instrumental helping me provide him with a healthier diet (my ex let's him eat too much junk food and fast food), and she's given me great tips to help him develop his sense of independence. People love to quote "It takes a village to raise a child" and my GF is an extremely valuable member of the village. Being a part of the village DOES NOT mean she has to have tea with my ex. Thank you, MerryH! This is exactly why your initial post never bothered me one bit.

[augustus06]

I just don't get why he has to have conversations with her not about the child? Why is everyone having a go at her about that? its not like shes like, dont talk to her at all

I'll let someone else answer that one. You never even answered the first question.

[augustus06]

Latest in this episode. We were supposed to have a "life" conversation yesterday but I completely forgot that I promised my son I would take him to the movie. We went, but I wasn't sure if I would keep him last night. I try to cherish every moment with him, so decided to. I jump at the chance to see him and spend time with him.

My GF gets annoyed because she didn't like the change in plans about our discussion. I can understand that, but I know that I'd be willing to show a lot of flexibility if the shoe were on the other foot. In fact, I had been the fatherless guy dating a single mother on many occasions and these things happen all the time. My GF continued to express her dismay about the change in plans and my "predictable" behavior. She consistently asks me to think about how she feels in these situations.

It's worth noting that she and I have different personalities. I'm an emotional, creative, more or less unorganized guy. She's an organized, process-oriented, structured person. For those who are into the zodiac, I'm a Gemini and she's a Virgo. So, I understand why this kind of thing annoys her. I think the added element is how she feels about my ex; that makes things rather nasty. In a world where I hear women constantly complain about the shortage of "good, educated, faithful" men (especially in the African-American community), that's EXACTLY what I bring to the table! I'm not perfect, but I spend as much as possible hearing her out (no matter how late at night knowing I have to be at work only hours later, working 6 days a week) and I have NO problem remaining faithful, even though we're in a long distance relationship. I would think that issues such as my "change of plans" would be small in the grand scheme of things but she sees as my somehow playing into my ex's hands.

I TRULY love this woman, but I think that love gets trivialized in these situations. Thoughts?

[elleda]

it sounds like she is overreacting a bit BUT that is TOTALLY JUSTIFIED and (no offense) your fault. you are a MAN. you are a MAN that LOVES her. you are not a doormat or a weak old wet noodle and you are NOT best buds with your ex. your girl is right. it should be civil, but not "hey how's it going?". If she's contacting you, it should be about a LEGITIMATE issue with your son and she should be letting you know what it is up front, not drawing out a conversation with you.

don't jeopardize your relationship because of a no good ex!!! why are men so blind???? smh

[elleda]

OH and SHAME ON YOU for putting her iinto the villain role in this whole thing. SHAME!

[elleda]

yeah right, my advice to HER is to end it with YOU! grow some balls!!!!

[augustus06]

@elleda Did you even READ the previous posts??? You're entitled to your opinion, but you may want to throw out feeble-minded assumptions like I'm "best buds" with my ex. READ what I wrote about our LIMITED contact. As for making her a villain, if you READ what I wrote, I encouraged her to tell her side so that everyone could read BOTH sides of the issue. Did you READ her response to me??? We disagree on the issue but she well understands what I'm trying to accomplish. I admit that I don't understand her side. In fact, my original question was "What should I do to ensure my GF that she is a priority above my ex?"

You probably missed this part of one of my posts, "I just know that she and I are two intelligent, loving people who want to be together, but the issue of my ex is wrapped in lots of emotion. That has compromised reasoning on both sides, I think."

How about this response to a WOMAN who refers to my GF as "jealous, insecure, and crazy"? "In my GF's defense, she has been a wonderful addition to my life. I've leaned on her emotionally, mentally and she always has time to listen to me dribble consistently about how I hate my job and how money is tight. She is even willing to leave behind a beautiful house to be with me in an apartment. She's loaned money to me, she's very smart and compassionate, and very supportive of me and my career. This issue with my ex is the only area where I see this negative side of her.

I don't want to give up on this, because I'd hate for the two of us to split only to know that this issue could have been resolved with some easy steps between the two of us."

So if it seems as if my feathers are ruffled by your posts, perhaps you should READ, not simply take a side and judge. If you READ, you'll notice I started this forum to gain understanding NOT to criticize her or dump her. My goal, as originally stated, is to gain understanding so that we stay together.

[elleda]

wow chill out. i realize now there were 3 pages, i had only read the first. however:

"This issue with my ex is the only area where I see this negative side of her."


...that is still your fault!!!

wait a minute...she's loaned you money? oh god. i'm out of here...