So What Now? Do We Not Talk Again?

[jl151080]

Speaking as been in that possition many times, I hated it. It's a turn off to us females because it comes off as weakness.

In that case, I'll always be single. If I meet someone I'm attracted to who I want to be with, I can't help but put them on a pedestal. I can't prevent it, because they mean everything to me, and I think about them all the time.

[HeartIsAching]

Instead of putting them on a pedestal... try meeting them as an equal.

[smackie9]

Just tone it down, and ya it can be done.

[TheEvilJester]

Speaking as been in that possition many times, I hated it. It's a turn off to us females because it comes off as weakness.

Thanks. It is good to get input from a woman of the board on this topic. This is very much what I was saying. I'm sure most women would love being "put on a pedestal" to some degree. To me, that is something everybody does to a small degree early in a relationship, especially one that is new. The problem is if you over-do it. If you are too overly obsessed with a woman, that is when it well become a turn off.

But, most women certainly wouldn't want to be up on some guy's pedestal when they are already in a relationship with somebody else.

[TheEvilJester]

In that case, I'll always be single. If I meet someone I'm attracted to who I want to be with, I can't help but put them on a pedestal. I can't prevent it, because they mean everything to me, and I think about them all the time.

I hear you. Trust me, I'm right there with you. Heck, sometimes I even have the problem a little bit with friends who are important enough to me. I have had way too many examples in my life of people who didn't deserve my trust, so for me, I very much value the few people I can actually trust. So, I have this problem a lot.

The balance is learning to mostly keep it to yourself. As I've said, it is okay to be putting somebody on a pedestal, so to speak. You can't help your feelings. The trick is also constantly reminding yourself that this is exactly what is happening, and prepare yourself for the eventuality that they are not as perfect as you are thinking, and the possibility that they wind up being a schmuck, causing you not to even want anything to do with them after all.

Again, that doesn't mean you should stop being a nice guy. Nor does it mean you shouldn't be willing to share your feelings with somebody somewhat. It is just about learning the proper balance. As Heart and smackie said, just tone it down. Around these women, act as an equal, not as somebody putting them on a pedestal. Trust me, I know it can be difficult not to gush all over somebody for whom you are having these kind of feelings. But, there is a time and a place for gushing. When you are in a committed relationship with somebody, a little gushing is okay. When you are new to a relationship, or only in the stage of hoping to get in one, gushing is not. If they are in a relationship with somebody else, it is not then either. It's just all about balance. Good luck in finding yours, my friend.

[smackie9]

Thanks. It is good to get input from a woman of the board on this topic. This is very much what I was saying. I'm sure most women would love being "put on a pedestal" to some degree. To me, that is something everybody does to a small degree early in a relationship, especially one that is new. The problem is if you over-do it. If you are too overly obsessed with a woman, that is when it well become a turn off.

But, most women certainly wouldn't want to be up on some guy's pedestal when they are already in a relationship with somebody else.

And even before they are in a relationship with them after some time has past.

[TheEvilJester]

And even before they are in a relationship with them after some time has past.

Yeah, I would say that is right too. When you are not yet in a relationship and are just persuing one, or even when you are early into a relationship, best to leave the "on a pedestal" feelings to yourself. As much as you can, just act like an equal. Again, that isn't saying you should act like you are too cool for them, or act like a smug jerk who couldn't care less. I just mean you don't want to over-do it. When you are in a relationship early on, nothing wrong with telling the person you think they are really cool, or you dig hanging out with them, or something like that. But, you don't want to get too clingy, or too serious too fast. Most people will find that to be a turn off.

Heck, I'm a super romantic guy myself and have a lot of trouble with this as well. Even so, if and when I start a new relationship, I would prefer to take things appropriately slowly so I can get to know the person before deciding if they are worthy of the crazy intense feelings I have for them or not. I have learned that I have the tendency to have these kind of intense feelings, so I have to learn the balance to realize that they may be for nothing. So, I allow myself to have them because, a) I can't stop them if I tried and b) honestly, they can feel really nice. But, I make sure not to put too much stock in them, remembering instead, the very real possibilities that the person could be less than I thought, or even worse, a complete a-hole in disguise. ;-)

This way, either way I come out of it okay. If they wind up being an a-hole, or even just not quite the person I thought, I get out unhurt. If they wind up being the awesome person I thought, or even better, I just got myself an amazing new friend... or perhaps even more. :-)

[smackie9]

yes the key word here is "balance" If you over do it, it knocks things out of balance, and they get weirded out and things get awkward. That's when things start to go down hill real fast.