Phobia of Sex

[vashti]

I think sometimes actions precede feelings. This might be one of those times, Sooky.

[King Zarathu]

(Take note, I've read no other posts, so excuse me for repeating what somebody else might have said. Don't tell me I did, because I don't give a shit.)

What's obvious is the following:

• This isn't normal.
• This is in your head.

Considering the above, there is obviously something causing this problem, otherwise it couldn't be there. It's either due to a condition that has remained true throughout your life, or it's because of an action--something somebody else (or yourself, leading to somebody else's actions) did, therefore causing your "phobia" (for lack of a better word) of sex.

You've directly claimed you aren't religious here:

I'm not religious in any way and I havent been told my whole life that sex is bad.

You've also stated:

I'm now 23 so I know I'm pretty old to still be a virgin by todays standards, but I confess I've extremely little experience with relationships and this one is really my 1st.

And, most importantly, you have stated:

Um... Yeah.... I studied Biology at University! I know all about reproduction and evolution and the general need of all living things to pass on their DNA to the next generation! Oh how well I do know this stuff! But I'm weird! For some crazy ass reason I have failed to follow the laws of nature. I'm a freak of nature if you will.

Now, to grab what is perhaps a "sharper" image of the synopsis:

But some sexual things my bf says scares me to death and makes me dread the idea.

So it's something your boyfriend is saying. Before I make any assumptions, let me ask the following:

1. Any childhood events that could POSSIBLY lead to anything?
2. Have any close friends that were abused/raped?
3. What exactly does your boyfriend tell you (that scares you to death)?
4. How open were your parents with you about sex?

[Sooky]

Firstly can I just say, I love that you've refered to me as Sucky in the quotes above! Thats genious!

What's obvious is the following:

• This isn't normal.
• This is in your head.

Yeap, that seems to hit the nail on the head as it were. I totally agree and I have agreed.

Considering the above, there is obviously something causing this problem, otherwise it couldn't be there. It's either due to a condition that has remained true throughout your life, or it's because of an action--something somebody else (or yourself, leading to somebody else's actions) did, therefore causing your "phobia" (for lack of a better word) of sex.

So it's something your boyfriend is saying. Before I make any assumptions, let me ask the following:

1. Any childhood events that could POSSIBLY lead to anything?
2. Have any close friends that were abused/raped?
3. What exactly does your boyfriend tell you (that scares you to death)?
4. How open were your parents with you about sex?

1. I've never been abused to my knowledge or been involved in any sexual related experiences in my childhood that I'm aware of anyway. Of course I could be supressing something, but given the essentially happy and isolated childhood that I've had. I doubt it. (Awhile back I did have a slightly dodgy encounter with a guy but it was quite recent and not a childhood thing, and I had my phobias before that anyway. Also it was a pretty mild event, a guy just shoved me against the wall at some club and forced a kissed on me, so nothing really.)

2. I've had no friends that were raped or abused. Not that they've told me about anyways.

3. Well my bf is definately a very sexual person and unlike me I confess is very open about his sexual desires. It even creeps me out when he just talks about sex in general, but mention of anal sex in particular really freaks me out.

4. I admit my parents were never very open about sex with me when I was a child and we still tend to avoid the subject. But surely this is not unusual. Many parents dont talk about sex openly with their kids. I would think it might even be rare that they do.

If I was to analyse my problems myself, and I have many many times, I would say its probably linked with social phobias. I tend to distance myself from people and find it very difficult to form close relationships. This would explain why intimacy is especially hard for me.

Anyway, whatever the cause the end result is the same. I just dont feel comfortable with sex and sexual actions. I can force myself into it, of course. And maybe in time I'll get used to it. But I cant deny my feelings. Well not to myself anyway. No more than you can pretend you dont want sex.

I think sometimes actions precede feelings. This might be one of those times, Sooky.

I agree, until I've had the experience I can't really decide whats best. Its just something about even the idea of sex that doesnt sit comfortably with me. It just doesnt feel right. But feelings are there to be supressed so I think in this case it probably would just be better to bite my tongue (not literally of course) and try it.

[King Zarathu]

[url]http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv[/url]

^ Take that test (honestly) and post your results (honestly). No bitching (NO bitching).

[Sooky]

[url]http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv[/url]

^ Take that test (honestly) and post your results (honestly). No bitching (NO bitching).

When have I ever bitched?

I took the test right away. I've done many of these things before, with varying success. In this case some of the results seem to conflict, so not sure what that means, but here they are-

Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

[vashti]

I just felt I'd explain Z's posting habits.

You forgot to mention he is 16.

[King Zarathu]

When have I ever bitched?

You didn't. I just know you're female so I should expect it sooner or later.

Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

Interesting. According to the test (may/may not be the realistic case), you show signs of disorders that include your "phobia" of sex. It isn't surprising. To be honest, I would just talk to a therapist. They can really get to the base of things, trust me. I have one, and I rarely see him anymore. I wouldn't trade all of my visits with him for anything.

Sooky, that's simply the way Zarathu acts toward known female forum members, very few of his posts in this vein carry any conviction behind them...There isn't generally a basis for what he says. In fact, he's self-described as "hilariously chauvinistic" which, I tend to agree.

Everyone is well aware that you haven't bitched once and I think many (myself) are impressed that you haven't felt the need to get defensive yet.

Regarding your sex phobia, I've nothing really to say other than I find it incomprehensibly strange. I just felt I'd explain Z's posting habits.

In other words, I kick ass.

You forgot to mention he is 16.

Uh huh. We should set up a ratio.

ZaR: Sexiness:Age
Vashti: Sexiness:Age

Considering sexiness is the response variable and they are INVERSELY related (with properly set asymptotes), we can logically say that...WAIT!

You're a woman, and I'm trying to discuss logic with you?! Forget I said anything.

[Sooky]

You didn't. I just know you're female so I should expect it sooner or later.

Interesting. How do you know I'm female?

Interesting. According to the test (may/may not be the realistic case), you show signs of disorders that include your "phobia" of sex. It isn't surprising. To be honest, I would just talk to a therapist. They can really get to the base of things, trust me. I have one, and I rarely see him anymore. I wouldn't trade all of my visits with him for anything.

I've been to counselling for 5 years! Since I was 17! So far its not helping. Seems I'm very resistant to change. Its not good.

You forgot to mention he is 16.

I think she’s implying that you aren't mature and if so she’s probably right. But who wants to be mature!

Uh huh. We should set up a ratio.

Considering sexiness is the response variable and they are INVERSELY related (with properly set asymptotes), we can logically say that...WAIT!

So old people are never sexy? What about Sean Connery, Harrison Ford, Robert Deniro or Tommy Lee Jones?

You're a woman, and I'm trying to discuss logic with you?! Forget I said anything.

So true! But its those damn hormones that are usually to blame! If only there was a pill to neutralise hormones, then maybe the whole of women kind could be cured. Really must try and invent that.

[Tiay]

Its not an ideal world, people suffer in terrrible ways every day. Suffering sex will be nothing in comparison to that, so I dont see why I shouldnt just endure it and get on with life. So in conclusion I guess I know what I have to do. Its just a case of getting on with it.

that makes as much sense as a poor African child being offered a lifetime supply of nutritious food, but he says "other people are suffering more than me- so it's not worth the effort the effort to get the food."
There's a difference between suffering because you have no choice, and suffering because you've lost confidence in yourself.

'cmon! it IS possible to get over this!


[off-topic]

I realize this is totally irrelevant, but I was just kind of surprised/interested by this comment. I've taken synthroid pills since I was a few weeks old and they realized I had no thyroid, and I think the only effect it's ever had on my life is that I need to remember to take pills with me wherever I go. I wonder how that leads to such a deep-seated feeling of inferiority?

no idea.. maybe it's not that at all. I've just always had that feeling...

[King Zarathu]

Interesting. How do you know I'm female?

Because:

But some sexual things my bf

Notice the "bf" there? Yeah. It doesn't sound like you're gay.

I've been to counselling for 5 years! Since I was 17! So far its not helping. Seems I'm very resistant to change. Its not good.

Counseling, or therapy?

I think she’s implying that you aren't mature and if so she’s probably right.

Hah!

[Sooky]

that makes as much sense as a poor African child being offered a lifetime supply of nutritious food, but he says "other people are suffering more than me- so it's not worth the effort the effort to get the food."
There's a difference between suffering because you have no choice, and suffering because you've lost confidence in yourself.

'cmon! it IS possible to get over this!

I can see what you're saying here, but its not quite what I meant. Just meant that life isn't always easy, and its not always a stright forward yes or no in life to get what you want. Sometimes you have to pay a price. Meaning, if I want to share my life with a guy then I'm most likely going to have to have sex with him. Since I've tried for many years now to get over my fear or disapproval in some ways about sex, it seems unlikely I'll recover quickly from this. And my boyfriend may not wait around for that, maybe I should just try the sex. Maybe experiencing it would cure me. Who knows.

Notice the "bf" there? Yeah. It doesn't sound like you're gay.

I didn't say I was male either.

Counseling, or therapy?

Um, I'm pretty sure it would be classed as councilling, but I'm not certain of the difference here. Maybe you could explain it? I mainly go for councilling sessions like every other week. Also I've had a course of cognative behaviour theapy, which seemed really stupid. The first task I had to do was ask someone the time. As soon as I finished the councilling session I bumped into someone and asked them. Tasked accomplished. I'm managed all the other equally lame tasks too, but suprise, it didn't cure me.

Hah!

Ok, I appologise. I take back the "you are probably imature" comment. You're definately way more mature than I, and I salute you!

[King Zarathu]

Um, I'm pretty sure it would be classed as councilling, but I'm not certain of the difference here. Maybe you could explain it? I mainly go for councilling sessions like every other week. Also I've had a course of cognative behaviour theapy, which seemed really stupid. The first task I had to do was ask someone the time. As soon as I finished the councilling session I bumped into someone and asked them. Tasked accomplished. I'm managed all the other equally lame tasks too, but suprise, it didn't cure me.

Therapy, as in, working our your psychological issues to bring you a more "normal" state. Counseling is a joke compared to actual psychotherapy.

Ok, I appologise. I take back the "you are probably imature" comment. You're definately way more mature than I, and I salute you!

....


>.>


<.<




You're right.

[Tiay]

ok..
If I said to my bf "well, I fear/hate/dislike sex, but i'll do it for you 'cos otherwise you'd get bored of waiting for me", he'd be turned off and he wouldn't want to have sex. I know there's a stereotype where men just care about the physical, but the type of guy who is in a serious relationship is not in it for just that. He doesn't just want the act of sex, he wants you to want him in that way, to enjoy it, he wants to give you pleasure. If he is a decent guy who is worth staying with, I can guarantee you that he wants those things. I know guys who say that they NEED their partner to be enjoying it, they just can't be turned on if their partner is just 'putting up with it'.

I know this sounds strange coming from a 20 year old virgin who's in a serious 2 year relationship, but sexuality is a big part of any romantic relationship. It's not the physical act that's important- it's the meaningfulness of it.

so, you're neither male nor female? please explain.

[vashti]

Therapy, as in, working our your psychological issues to bring you a more "normal" state. Counseling is a joke compared to actual psychotherapy.

I disagree. Psychotherapy deals with WHY people act the way they do (was it something that happened in childhood, etc.) whereas cognitive therapy is less focused on WHY, and more focused on changing the resulting behavior. I prefer the cognitive approach because it has an actual goal. Psychotherapy can drag on for years.

BTW Sooky - You mentioned Robert DeNiro, and I want to say that I think he is one of the sexiest men on the planet (at least he was maybe 10 years ago). One of my fantasies is to lick his mole.

[Henry123]

3. Well my bf is definately a very sexual person and unlike me I confess is very open about his sexual desires. It even creeps me out when he just talks about sex in general, but mention of anal sex in particular really freaks me out.

Maybe your bf lacks sensitivity. If he's thinking of too much with his dick and less with your emotional feelings I can understand why you feel the way you do. Maybe your bf is not as understanding and sensitive as you think he is????

As for anal sex part. Its fear of penetration and pain (mentioned earlier). Its probably better to leave anal sex out until you have had regular sex for some time.