Too many chances

[spartacus]

I'm typing this now, not because I have anything different to say but because its taking my mind off what I would do if I didnt. If you see what I mean.

I've been really good today. Not made contact at all, and kept myself busy. Im trying to take each day as it comes now, and already its been 4 days since I last tried to make contact and even then it was by email so I dont even know if she read it. she did after all say she would read anymore.

I keep thinking about her though. I wonder what shes doing, I wonder where she is, or who she's with. Shes not a flirty sort of girl, but she is really nice, but I know shes not looking for anyone else at the moment. She certainly wouldnt rush into anything. I also know that most of her friends are female and attached. Some even with children. she also lives on her own and has bills etc to pay so going out having a good time probably isnt really on agenda.

so what the hell am I worried about? why do I panic when I think she maybe booking a holiday? or planning a weekend of fun without me? why does it upset me when I think of the new house shes moved into and the fact she's inviting friends round for dinner etc and I cant be part of it. I feel like Im missing out on part of her life, and Im desperate to get myself back into it. But now of course I cant even talk to her.

These are the kind of things I think of which makes me pick up my phone and start composing an sms message or an email. I spent about 30 minutes running things through my head jsut now. I was talking through conversations I might have thinking "how would she react to that?", "is that the right thing to say?" "would that bring her round?"

Im basically stuck in a situation where I cant contact her at all, Im not likely to see her, or even bump into her, and Im not likely to hear from her.

Its so tempting to send her a message telling her I still miss her, and Id really like to give her everything she wants to make her happy. I wouldnt even be doing it to get her to change her mind, I actually really want to do it. I want the same things that she does/did. so how come she doesnt want me? how come she doesnt want to speak to me? How come I havent heard from her already?

I know this will pass....

[buzz bee]

you wil manage, take life one day at a time... you will have good days and you will have bad days... dont contact her, wait and see what happens... i know its not easy, in fact its prolly one of the hardest things youll ever do if you truly love this woman... and if she doesnt contact you then you'll have your answer.... as my estranged guy said to me - do you really want to be with someone who doesnt love you?

[CowgirlFromHell]

Spartacus, you are going to push her farther and farther away. I did the exact same things to an ex, and he's so far gone I can see the smoke trails, he jetted so fast. Don't call her, don't email her, just leave her alone. So what if she moves on? Be happy for her. I know it hurts, I've been there, but just stop contacting her. I kept calling my ex in the hopes that we would get back together, and he just stopped answering his phone altogether. If your ex has clearly stated that she does not want to be with you, there is no way you can make her change her mind. There's nothing you can do except move on. The N/C thing gets alot easier after a week or two. Maybe in a month you could contact her and see how she's doing, but DO NOT bring up the relationship, and don't bring up a future with her. Just ask how she's doing and tell her about the goings on in your life. Now if only I could have heeded my own advice! LOL

[Promise]

spartacus,

I was in the same situation you are deal with now. I understand the times are difficult, and succumbing to just wanting to plead with her to make it better, and having her back in your life the way you want it, is the only way that keeps you connected, and gives you hope for everyday.

It's not wrong to want to continue to communicate to her. The way you are doing it though isn't the best way. My advice is to continue to write to her, whether it be email or in the form of letters, but instead of sending it, save it to draft or store it within a place you can be reminiscant upon later on. Continue to do this until the day she comes back, so you can document to her all that was felt during this process, or the day that these feelings subside and your ready to move on.

Just by doing this, it has ameliorated the many pains that I had felt, and now times are looking promising for her and I again. So, there is hope for her to come back to you but it has to go beyond the concious feeling but rather the unconcious one that reaches deep within your heart and soul that blinds itself from "reality" and the "impossible".

[Shadow_me]

Okay... So I've been in this situation before and I'm in it again... I tried talking to the ex a few hours ago and only ended up crying my eyes out. We've been together for five years and all he does now is ignore me. I know I love him, but I'm not so sure he loves me... He keeps telling me that the reason we're not together is because he "doesn't want to deal with me". I don't think I'm that bad of a person and frankly, after reading all of the "dumping threads" I sound like most of you... Why is it that there is always the one person in the relationship who is like us, wanting the other person back, and one person who used to love us and now can't stand us? Isn't there any other way?? I try my best to stay in NC, but I get insecure and call. He doesn't even answer any of my calls, and I just keep talking to Voicemail. I don't know what to do... Sometimes I honestly think that I want to move on with my life, but I can't do it because I love him sooo much. Why is love like this? I mean, I'm smart enough to know that I deserve to be treated better than for him to ignore me, but my heart still says that he is the one for me... Is anyone out there feeling like I am? Please send help asap, because I think I'm losing it. I try not to have my life revolve around him, but it ends up that way. I mean, I'm even afraid to talk to him because he's soooo mean. Please help, please! Not sure what to do... =(

[mhussain]

no one can tell u wht to do .. but ask urself ... what did happen to all the relationships that u got involved in ..... by ur reaction ...

u called and u emailed and u called an du emailed and u called .... i could go on ... many of us have done that ... its time for u too to learn ...

ur reaction does not change the way the other person thinks or feels ....

leave them alone to feel and understand ... just force urself ...

and start learning how to be patient .... it all comes to those who wait

Hussain

[DarkDwarf]

no one can tell u wht to do .. but ask urself ... what did happen to all the relationships that u got involved in ..... by ur reaction ...

u called and u emailed and u called an du emailed and u called .... i could go on ... many of us have done that ... its time for u too to learn ...

ur reaction does not change the way the other person thinks or feels ....

leave them alone to feel and understand ... just force urself ...

and start learning how to be patient .... it all comes to those who wait

Hussain

Man that guys gives good advice (Not that he helped me, but it looks like hes working on it)

[spartacus]

ok. I havent been on here for about a week now, but I have an update for you all on my situation. I hope people who have also posted here with the same problem read what I have to say and learn from my mistake.

I hadnt spoken to my ex for about a week. Last friday I had to go to the hospital for some tests and I had to let my ex know the results because she needed to also know as it may affect her. So I dropped a note through her door to explain what happened. I didnt mention anything else, only what happened.

I had no reply. I kind of expected a call, or an email or something asking for more information but I had nothing. I did the most stupidist thing. On the Sunday I went out to buy a newspaper, and for some reason I felt the need to drive past her house. I have to actually go out of my way to do this, not far, but its not a direct route. This was at 8am. As I drove past she was outside washing her car. I went to get the paper knowing I shouldnt be there, but on the way back I felt the need to go and say hi. Why? Why did I do that?

Anyway we spoke, and she wanted to know what I was doing there etc, and we chatted for a bit, but I could see she didnt want me there. We parted company and I left saying that I would always be there for her and Id really like to be friends. I left.

I spoke to her a couple of times during the week following this, mainly on the phone and I felt that we were actually talking nicely to one another. It was mainly about the hospital visit but at least we were talking. On the Thursday morning I spoke to her again and I said why dont you give me a call later this evening when you get home and we can talk about it properly. At first she said no but I pleaded with her and in the end she said yes. I awaited her call with anticipation all day and by 8pm I had nothing. So I sent her an sms saying something simple and unrelated to the fact she would call. Just general chit-chat really, and I still had nothing back. I went out for a drink on my own after this which was probably a mistake.

I waited until about 10:30 and tried ringing her. no answer. I tried again. no answer. I tried again and her phone was turned off. So I tried again, it was back on but she hung up so I left a message on her phone. No reply. So I tried again, and again, until she answered. We talked and she told me to leave her alone and stop calling, and it was then I realised she had gone out and was with someone. I started to panic and asked where she was and she wouldnt tell me, so I started to plead and cry, and I said all sorts of things and to be honest must have sounded really pathetic on the phone. She hung up on me which made me feel worse and I started to get angry, not with her but out of frustration because I couldnt get through to her.

I have to walk near her house to get home, so I walked to her house, and she wasnt there, so I walked around for a while and tried ringing her again. No answer. I started to walk home and then she drove past me, so I ran back to her house. Why? why did I do that? Big mistake.

I ended up shouting at her through the door. She told me to leave her alone and I could see she was distressed about me being there but I stated shouting abuse at her because she wouldnt listen to me, which made me worse. I left and went home feeling quite distressed.

I spoke to my family about it when I got home, and I told my dad everything that had happened. I was really quite upset, and obviously he was supportive. I didnt know what to do with myself, so I waited until he'd gone to bed and I left the house at 1am and walked to a local hotel, checked into a room, and drank more in the bar until 3am.

When I woke up the next morning at around 7am, I jsut lay there wondering what to do. I was upset, distresed, angry, frustrated, sad, all kinds of emotions all at the same time. I didnt want to loose her but she didnt want to listen.

What follows is a description of what happened next. Please understand that Im not a violent person. I never have been. When I get angry I panic and shout a lot. Its how I react when Im put in a situation that I have no control over. Its just all talk.

Anyway... I suddenly got the idea in my head to go home get my car and park it behind hers so she couldnt go to work. why? why did I think that? I did it. went home got my car and parked it behind hers and walked home (I live near her). she rang my home number something which shes never done, and asked me to move my car. I hung up. She rang back and my mum answered the phone and said I was very upset, but she would get me to move my car, she also said that she didnt think she was being fair on me particularly after everything I had done for her, and also so soon after my grandfather died.

A few minutes later I got a call from the police. they asked me to move my car. I said I would go straight away. they asked why i did it, and I said "just to piss her off". I walked to her house and instead of just getting in my car and going I knocked on her door. no answer, so I looked through the letter box, and she was there on the phone. I said "Can we stopfighting and be friends" and she repeated it on the phone. I guess she was talking to the police. I got frustrated again and started shouting abuse saying I would ruin her day and tell everyone she worked with that she had an STD. why? why did I say that? I left but on my way home in my anger I sent her an SMS saying "I want £500 before the end of today you selfish ungrateful *****"

A few mintues later the police came to my house, and explained that I should stop contacting her, otherwise I could be arrested for harrasment.

This was my wake up call. I spent the rest of the day sitting on a bed staring into space. I was so so upset. I cried, felt helpless. It was over. Id done more damage than I ever thought possible and I dont know where it came from.

My mum went to see her that evening after work, and tried to explain that Id been under a lot of pressure since my grandfather died and also that I wouldnt never hurt anyone and I was just shouting abuse and would never carry any of it out. I was just hurt and angry at the way Id been treated. How could someone I loved, my best friend for 8 years and lover for 4, let me decorate her entire house then see me suffer the death of my grandfather, and then two days later tell me it was over and turn really really cold on me. i really dont think I deserved that.

My mum has tried to call her a couple of times yesterday to ask if shed like to come round for a chat with her. Just to be friendly more than anything, but each time she refused and said that she was "shit scared of him" and there was nothing else ot say. she hung up. My mum called back a few minutes later, and someone else answered the phone, and said if my mum needed help dealing with it then she should see a councellor. My mum then got mad at her and got angry with the person on the phone. the other person said "this is a form of harrassment and you should stop calling"

My mum was only trying to help.

I havent contacted her since Friday. Ive written her numbers down, but have deleted them from my phone etc. Im scared to contact her ever again.

Ive lost her for good. Not only have I lost her for good but Im the bad guy now. People see me as violent. Her family think she's done the right thing, and have even justfied her ending the relationship at such a bad time for me by saying "there is never a good time" Not once during the last 6 weeks has anyone of them stopped to ask if Im ok. Its all been about her.

She is distressed now. shes scared of me. i want to tell her that Im sorry and Id never hurt her. I really mean it too. I was jsut shouting. It was all talk and frustration. I cant contact her now. Ever.

I was going to write to her saying I still loved her but accepted the relationship had ended and offer her my friendship which would mean a lot to me. I dont know what to do now.

I have done some stupid things. I've learnt from my mistakes. I still feel that I was treated unfairly by someone who knows Ive done a lot for her. How could she do that? For the past 6 weeks all Ive done is tried to sort things out with her. I only wanted to be her friend and talk to her, but Ive ended up being labelled as something which Im not. Id really like to tell all these people that they've got it wrong. why dont they understand how Im feeling? why is it all about her?

Im completely lost now.

I ended 6 weeks ago. If Id just left it for two weeks and done nothing, she would have come back for definate. I made it worse.

Ive lsot her for good, and I dont know how to recover. Even now i still feel there must be something I can do to win her back. anything.

[spartacus]

Right..... enough is enough. Ive made an appointment to see a relationship councellor. Im going on my own because I want to address why I react like I did.

I would like to tell my ex that Im going and offer her an invitiation to join me. Should I do this?

[artyemi]

no.. you need to leave her alone and get yourself better..

[spartacus]

fair point. I realise thats the right thing to do. Letting go is the hard part.

Do you think in all honesty, given whats happened that maybe in a few weeks I culd contact her again. maybe send her a light hearted but fun letter or something?

[artyemi]

no spartacus..

you have to realize that it's over.

and move on. no, maybe I can contact her, or maybe send her a fun letter.

make plans with your friends and hang out with them.

[spartacus]

Thats half the problem. I dont have many friends and I work on my own. It takes time to establish that kind of thing. I need it now not in 3 months time.

[artyemi]

Thats half the problem. I dont have many friends and I work on my own. It takes time to establish that kind of thing. I need it now not in 3 months time.

okay! after reading that, it seemed that you have grown dependent on her for companionship.

what you need to do is get out there and make some new friends. it is not hard. just go out and pick a new hobby, some kind of distraction and focus on that.

[spartacus]

No. Ive thouht of that before. I wasnt dependant on her in that respect. We get on really really well and Im sad that that has to go but I wasnt dependant on her as such. We both had other interests its just that my friends slipped away while she works in a big office so its easy for her to make friends.