Funny Joke Thread ( version 2 ) silly, dirty, puns, whatever you like.

[topazlight]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

[Jffs24]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison... '"

[melancholia]

I was talking to my mom the other day and out of nowhere, she asked me: "so, how's your pussy doing?"... yeah, I thought that was pretty weird, but I told her: "oh, you know, she's great. I took her to the groomer the other day so she's looking pretty good; but I think she's getting kind of lonely lately, so I'm thinking about getting her a boyfriend... But my cat? Yeah, he's great."

[megvoh]

Hahaha I laughed, melancholia. The Shelion is far superior to Feline pussy lol that doesn't make sense but went with regardless.

[breathe123]

A guy walks into a laundry run by cats.
"Excuse me", he said to the cat in charge,
"Can you get milk stains out?"
"Sure," replied the cat
"We'll have that stain licked in a minute!"

[Jffs24]

"Donald Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it." –John Oliver

"If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One." –Jimmy Kimmel

[Exeter19]

here's a few for clinton too.

"Hillary Clinton's new campaign slogan is 'Stronger Together.' Which replaces her old slogan, 'Goddammit, It's My Turn!'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, the number of Americans who trust Hillary is dropping. Specifically into a hole that Hillary covered with leaves."

[melancholia]

[in regard to Brexit]

Hey, Britain, the pull out method doesn't work.... just sayin'.

[megvoh]

F'n Brexit lol Agreed

[breathe123]

[gr8love]

My favorite punchline ever from eminem:
''Look at your goddamn boots! / Christ sakes there starting to grow roots! This job, you wanna quit, but you can't / You worked at this plant so long, you're a plant!''
haha

[topazlight]

A guy walks into a laundry run by cats.
"Excuse me", he said to the cat in charge,
"Can you get milk stains out?"
"Sure," replied the cat
"We'll have that stain licked in a minute!"

This one is my favorite. Actually laughed and visualized it at the same time.

[megvoh]

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.

[melancholia]

Remember! These are jokes, not alter boys. There's no need to be so touchy.

[megvoh]

^ Ha Hah