made a mistake

[qwertz]

If this were a one time event, and I was otherwise happy, and my man was never going to repeat the behavior, and he was tested for STDs, I'd rather not know.

totally agree with this.

[starbuck]

OP, if you really do have a loosey-goosey relationship like the one you're describing where you both engage in drunken antics with the opposite sex then I don't see why you're not just telling just her. You say she'd be forgiving, so why keep it a dirty little secret?

[sexpat]

OP, if you really do have a loosey-goosey relationship like the one you're describing where you both engage in drunken antics with the opposite sex then I don't see why you're not just telling just her. You say she'd be forgiving, so why keep it a dirty little secret?

I didnt say that we have it like that, I just said that i have never kept anything from her, and I have found out about things she has kept from me. So im not saying its ok for me to keep this from her, but her reasoning for keeping things from me has always been "to protect me from being hurt".

[starbuck]

I didnt say that we have it like that, I just said that i have never kept anything from her, and I have found out about things she has kept from me. So im not saying its ok for me to keep this from her, but her reasoning for keeping things from me has always been "to protect me from being hurt".

OP, it doesn't sound like you're asking for advice. You're asking for permission.

I gave my advice earlier in the thread. I think you should tell her. Lying to her is unfair. Let her know the truth and then you can discuss the aftermath, openly and without guilt.

Would I want my husband to tell me if he cheated? You better believe it. And it would taint my view of my husband and cause trust issues, but at least I would know that he respected me enough to not lie to me. And if he ever hoped of gaining my trust back, a lie would do much damage. It basically condones the behavior.

The choice is yours. Do you want a relationship based on openess and honesty or one where shit gets swept under the rug?

[sexpat]

But I still kinda feel like I agree with qwerty123

You were selfish by cheating on her, dont be selfish by telling her.

Telling her will just make me ease my guilt and make her feel like total shit.

I want to just spoil her and love her more than anyone ever has, and treat her like she deserves to be treated. If i tell her, and then try making up for it by spoiling her, she will just know that im trying to make up for a mistake that I made. If i dont tell her, and forget about it like alot of the other users are saying, then spoil her rotten, she will love me more, not less.

Ive never told her not to mess around if the oppertunity arises, I have always insisted if the moment occurs, and she is willing, she must just go with it. We have a mutual agreement that life is about fun and learning. And I have definately learnt from this, and really dont need to do it again. Im only 22... and in this fast changing world, new generations dont commit from young ages. The amount of divorces every year rises astronomically,so im glad i have gotten this mistake and lesson out of the way, so that now i know for sure that I am ready to commit to her, forever. I guess if i hadnt of learnt this lesson now, I would have learnt it later on, possibly after marriage (even though we both have the same opinions about marriage) and then it would be even worse.

[IndiReloaded]

If this were a one time event, and I was otherwise happy, and my man was never going to repeat the behavior, and he was tested for STDs, I'd rather not know.

Yes, but the crucial point is that is HER choice to make as a thinking adult. Not his to make for her.

If they had a prior discussion on the subject and this was her attitude (if I were a guy, I'd get it in writing), then he'd have reason to keep it on the low. But I bet this gal would want to know. Most would.

[Jeremywey]

how serious are you.. i feel bad saying this but if its done and over... sweep it under the rug.

[IndiReloaded]

I know I was stupid, I went with it, and then left it when I had learnt my lesson.

I think, going with her to her apartment was more out of curiosity than horniness. The whole time I could barely get it up, and with my gf this is not a problem. I can keep it up for a long time, and for a long time after sex.


I guess I am still trying to figure out who I am. For a long time in my life I have had a friend who I have looked up to alot, and at one stage he was always telling me about how he was cheating on his gf (of like 4-5 years) and how his father was telling him things like "you're not married, you're young, have fun" and I guess I didnt know where my boundaries are. I have had alot of ppl telling me thier cheating stories and I guess I was just curious. But i know now that im not like that, and I dont want to be like the millions of cheating people out there, that cheat regularly on thier partners.

To be honest, i highly doubt I would have a big problem with her cheating on me. We know where we stand, we both know how much we love each other, and we both have the same opinions about sex. She has lied to me alot in the past, she has kept things from me, and lied to me, and everytime I asked her why, she said to protect me, so that she doesnt hurt me. Maybe this is that kind of situation, only I am in her position. Even if she may have had a slip like this, i wouldnt let it get to me. Our love is stronger than that, and all we care about is that we have one another. We're both young, and both experimentative... its part of growing up.

Ive seen her make out with my friends before, in front of me, during drunken fun and games, it doesnt get to me. She was even encouraging this other girl (whose BF my GF had made out with) to make out with me!! Ive also seen her flashing my friends, also out of drunken fun. But none of it gets to me.

I wouldnt break up with her if she cheated on me, because sex is just sex (this is one thing my gf and I say alot to each other) and sex with someone you love, is real sex. Im in love with her soul, her body is a great advantage.

*I just want to add, not that im using this as an excuse but, all my life I have only ever been cheated on, all of my ex's cheated on me. But i did not break up with them. I have never broken up with a girl, and never cheated until now. I have only ever been cheated on, and broken up with.

Sexpat (your name tells a lot, btw), you sound like a selfish ass. I highlighted sections of your post, and they are full of "I" statments.

Nowhere do I read any remorse about what you did to your GF OR the gal you started to fuk. Its all about you.

As for the rest about what your GF *might* do--its all excuses. Any behaviour of hers doesn't excuse yours.

If your post had a different tone, I might believe you really think lying to her about your cheating (and you ARE a cheater, make no mistake) is for the best. But you & I both know its coming from a place of selfishness and emotional cowardice. You simply don't want to deal with the drama of your choice. The words are right but your attitude is wrong.

If you had children and other relationships to protect, my advice would be more like Vash's. But this is not your situation. You are adding insult to injury by taking the choice of knowing the truth away from your supposed partner.

Want to know what you should do to solve your dilemma? Simply this:

ASK your GF, hypothetically, if she would want to know if you cheated as a one-time deal in a moment of great stupidity.

If she says yes she'd still want to know, there will be your moment of truth for what kind of person you want to be. Good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

how serious are you.. i feel bad saying this but if its done and over... sweep it under the rug.

And here we see the fundamental problem with our society's youth: unwilingness to step up and take responsibility for one's choices. Let someone else deal with the aftermath of mistakes.

I bet you are the sort of person that would ding someone's car in a lot and leave, hoping noone saw you. The concept of leaving a note on their windshield is a lost grace for this generation.

[sexpat]

point taken... i gotta give it some time though as we are in different countries at the moment, so until she is with me and we are settled, then I can give it a shot

"ASK your GF, hypothetically, if she would want to know if you cheated as a one-time deal in a moment of great stupidity."

[IndiReloaded]

point taken... i gotta give it some time though as we are in different countries at the moment, so until she is with me and we are settled, then I can give it a shot

"ASK your GF, hypothetically, if she would want to know if you cheated as a one-time deal in a moment of great stupidity."

Another excuse, you are just full of them. Unless you are just travelling for business, you must have had other serious discussions (or phone sex?) if you are long-distance. They don't have phones or Skype in your third-world country to start the discussion?

Don't do today what you can put off until tomorrow, I guess.

[IndiReloaded]

Recently I relocated to a new country for a job, and she should hopefully be joining me soon.

i gotta give it some time though as we are in different countries at the moment, so until she is with me and we are settled, then I can give it a shot

Geezus, I just saw this part. You would actually wait until she has committed to moving to a NEW COUNTRY with you before telling her the truth??

Never mind my previous advice. You are just a total selfish fuk. If I moved country to be with my BF and you waited to dump your shit on me, or worse, I found out you had lied and kept this from me, I would leave you just for that alone. No amount of remorse could convince me to stay with someone as selfish as you. You are basically trying to set up your situation so that she has no choice but to tolerate your mistake.

Coercion is a great start to a new future together, etardo.

[sexpat]

cool... you dont know me or my gf or our relationship. you dont know how she would take it... im forgetting your advice.

all she cares about is getting out of the country she is in (even that country is still new to us) at the moment and being with me, so even if i have slept with multiple girls, i doubt it would mean as much to her as her escaping her current situation( i cannot emphasise this enough). She doesnt have much to leave behind, she just wants to escape. She hates her life there, both of us did, so anything is better than what she has now.

And what i am doing is creating a future for both of us in a better place... im already finding possible work solutions for her, where she would be happy, and have a good income.

So.... she hates her life there, has no solid income, and no future, and now she gets an oppertunity to move to a better place, travel fees paid, everything sorted out, i think she would take it even if she hated my guts... but i cannot emphasise this enough as you can't understand the situation.

So yea, carry on thinking that I am trying to set up my situation so that she has no choice but to tolerate my mistake... You want me to tell her over the phone, she will still come, if i wait till she is here, then i tell her, do you think she will leave? Even if i offer to cover her expenses? I still doubt it...

Please leave my thread alone as you are making to many presumptions...

[sexpat]

I think this is turning into a "crying over spilt milk " situation.

I have realised my mistake, learnt my lesson. It happened for a reason and now i can move on...

Thanks for all the usefull replies.

[starbuck]

all she cares about is getting out of the country she is in (even that country is still new to us) at the moment and being with me, so even if i have slept with multiple girls, i doubt it would mean as much to her as her escaping her current situation( i cannot emphasise this enough). She doesnt have much to leave behind, she just wants to escape. She hates her life there, both of us did, so anything is better than what she has now.

So you're saying that any shady behavior you engage in would be justified because you're helping her move out of the country?

Noooo, that's not creepy at all

Dude, you have some serious issues. And your defensiveness about it all of this is very telling. I feel sorry for your girlfriend... I really do.