Am i over reacting???

[rabbit151]

udokier its apparent i have hit a nerve with you. You sound quite bitter to be honest, when i said i wanted her to enjoy her own life i meant a hobby or going out with friends not sleeping with other men??? It also sounds like you are justifying her behaviour, tells me a lot about you, do you share the obvious high morals that she does as well?

How am i nosy and jealous i dont think youve read my thread properly? Im not nosy or jealous but i am hurt, and i also think do i really want to spend the rest of my life with somebody that everytime we have a rocky period her answer is to go out and sleep with someone. Also do you think it was fair of her to sleep with me afterwards and not tell me that she had been with him and had unprotected sex with? Is it fair that i have now slept with him and his previous partners?

[rabbit151]

also i spent 2 years giving her attention telling her how much i loved her that she was the most beautiful woman on the planet, took her away bought her gifts, it was never enough, the more i gave the more she wanted. She has an impossible level of insecurity that i was unable to appease no matter how hard i try. It becomes mentally exhausting, when your partner is basically calling you a cheat and a pervert every single day.

[toknow]

This completely doesn't make sense. Someone so obsessed with someone else physically has their brain preoccupied with that person, she couldn't have done it if she was so possessive of you. You might be right, and she might have slept with him, but you also underestimate the lengths to which obsessed people will go. As unlikely as it seems this whole thing might have been set up even the pictures. If she wanted to get your attention, how else do you think she would have done that best?

[toknow]

also i spent 2 years giving her attention telling her how much i loved her that she was the most beautiful woman on the planet, took her away bought her gifts, it was never enough...

Again, you could have diffused and extinguished the situation easily by showing her in that moment that you love her, not that you are so tired of her questions. Answer all her questions with love and once she sees that she will stop. Love is what she is trying to see in all your reactions and all you are giving her is making her feel wrong to be asking affirmation of that love from you. She asks you a thousand times, do you love me. Answer her a thousand times. If she goes through the trouble to ask you this the least you can do is respond.

[toknow]

I feel for you. You had a lot going for you, but you misunderstood what she was asking from you. Each time she was asking you not to look at another woman, or making you not watch a show from being insecure she was asking you do you love me. You failed to see that, and you never answered her one question.

Just hang in there, let the dust settle and then with a clear mind try to get out somewhere nice like a park and reflect on what happened.

[rabbit151]

she definitely slept with him more than once. I know this as FACT. I didnt misunderstand what she was asking me, i knew she was asking if i loved if i only had eyes for her, i dont think you actually realise the detrimental effect it has on the person having to provide the constant reassurance. I appreciate what you are saying, but to me she has such a level of insecurity when i left she needed something to fill that hole and make her feel better, there was no thought of consequence, it was impulsive, she had pain and needed it to stop there and then, that was her coping mechanism.

I dont doubt that she loves me, but her feelings are all about herself, her pain her misery, i think she lacks empathy because her pain is always so great.

You seem to have some insight into this so i can only assume either you are obsessed with someone, or someone is obsessed with you and you dont want to believe they are capable of sleeping with someone else.

its all about emotion with her, its all about her feelings, nobody elses feelings come into play. For example she could see how miserable she was making me but not for one moment did she stop doing the things she did because HER feelings where more important than mine. The need for her anxiety levels to be reduced were more important than my feelings.

[toknow]

A smart man learns from his mistakes. A wise man, learns from other people's mistakes.

But do you understand that YOU are what she is preoccupied with. So how is it about her and how does she not care about your feelings when this is all about you not showing her your love for her. Do you think she is having a good time having to go through this? Do you think she likes asking you those questions as, you said, constantly. Don't you see it's selfish of you to think about how you feel and fail to care about what she must feel do that. In your selfishness you failed to fix the situation that could have been easily fixed. All she needs is an affirmation of your love. That's it. It's not about anything else.

[rabbit151]

That is a very interesting saying and one that i do not completely agree with, a man has to make his own mistakes to learn from them, if someone told you not to fall in love because breakups are painful you would have no idea what that person was talking about without YOU FEELING that love in the first place, you had no idea prior to falling in love what that meant.

I DO understand that she is preoccupied with me YES, however your thinking is very black and white, just because she is preoccupied with me doesnt mean that if being with someone else relieves the pain shes feeling then thats what she would do without thinking about how I would FEEL about her doing this. Cant you understand this?

I know shes not having a good time, and i also dont think you are reading my posts or arent understanding what im saying. Let me get this right.

1. Shes insecure and loves me i am the centre of her world > This means i have to spend everyday of my life never talking to another woman, seeing one on TV, and make sure that when shes feeling low and insecure (which is 24 hours a day)I have to reassure her that shes my one true love. I have to give up everything that i enjoy in case it upsets her.

2. Its selfish of me to have give in to all of her insecurities and reassure her constantly for 2 years straight and see no improvement, in fact see things getting worse. What do i do?

A wise man also realises when somethings not working.

You didnt answer my question, are you the one that is obsessed with someone else? You are defending her actions which tells me you think i should roll over and become her whipping post whenever she needs a boost

[toknow]

In no way was a condoning her sleeping with someone to sooth her pain.

1. Yes. Whatever it takes. That's what love is. But, this hell you both are going through would have stopped. There was just not enough love to extinguish it.

I answered your question.

You must understand I'm not here to make you feel bad, I have nothing against you. And I take no pleasure in seeing you broken. But I'm not going to lie to you because that would hurt you even more.

[rabbit151]

Are you serious? Surely you come on here just to wind people up?

You are telling me your definition of love is to sacrifice your own happiness for someone elses!!!................. Wow! i am gobsmacked!!!

Im unsure if you are a male or female, but i already sympathise with your partner if thats how you view love

[rabbit151]

Toknow please dont take any offense to this but i really think you should consider taking up another part time profession, relationship advise is not really your area of expertise is it. I realise youre not here to make me feel bad, but i think you lack understanding of human nature ( a lot of it) to be coming on these forums and dishing out advise like that. Im not putting you down, but seriously that is not right.

Toknow no offense but id prefer it if you used your vast knowledge of relationships and helped (eek!) somebody else thanks anyway

[UdoKier]

udokier its apparent i have hit a nerve with you. You sound quite bitter to be honest, when i said i wanted her to enjoy her own life i meant a hobby or going out with friends not sleeping with other men??? It also sounds like you are justifying her behaviour, tells me a lot about you, do you share the obvious high morals that she does as wel?

All you do is complain about her, say how she makes you crazy, and talk about leaving her. If she's THAT bad you should be happy that she found someone else to bug. Afterall you told her she drives you nuts and left her(not for the first time), and now your're surprised that she sought affection from someone else?

[rabbit151]

Udokier if youd read my thread properly i didnt say all she does is bug me, we have a child together and it honestly doesnt take much for me to be happy in a relationship. Udokier are you also saying that i should have put up with all of that? Would you put up with constantly being accused of looking at other men, being told to turn the TV off because the men were too attractive? Would you put up with going places and having to look at the floor in cas a man enters your line of vision? How long do you think you could have taken that before walking out?

There where good times, because if it was all bad i wouldnt have stayed for 3 years would i? We have a child together and believe me the last think i want to do is wake up everyday without my Family. I wanted some advice on how to deal with the situation not get told , Ha you got what you wanted, happy now d**k head!!

[toknow]

You are getting defensive about it which means you are perceiving it as something that's mean to hurt you. Truth hurts sometimes and it's not what you want to hear, but it's not there to hurt you but to help you. But, there is no way around it you will hurt some, but you are being upset with me for putting a band aid on your arm because it hurt you while I was putting it on so to speak.

To sum up your situation your loved one need to see your love for her, she isn't seeing it. Some people need more of someone when they are with them others want an accessory to their life. You seem to be the other type, you are only willing to give part of yourself and she is willing to give all. That's where you are incomparable, and because of this drastic difference in commitment most likely will not work out because you are not willing to give her your all and you clearly don't believe in that - it seems like an impossible notion to you. One can only lead a horse to water...

[searock]

OP... why are you still bothering with this woman? She needs help, but I think you do too, if you willingly keep her in your life.