Hopelessly in Love

[IndiReloaded]

Not that the advice would be much different, CG, but you're a chick, aren't you? This makes me wonder:

I purposely said it was the wrong color and she corrected me and I felt it matched the dress I wore the last time I met her though she did not say she got that color specifically i wore last time i met her.

If you're a guy that wears dresses, lol, then no way is she interested in you. If you're a gal, its unlikely she sees you as anything more than a friend. Is this a typo? Can you clarify for us?

[cosmicgenius]

Indi, what i meant was when we were talking on the phone over the weekend, i asked her why she was buying dresses for others birthdays and then said i remembered why you were wearing black when it is so hot outside, then she said its not that..it is this <insert color>> which was the color of the shirt/pant that i was wearing last time i met her...i am not a chick..wish i were because...it is tough enough to be a guy and i imagine it would be tougher being a chick/gal/lady/woman than us guys

[misombra]

you're taking it too far, genius.

leave her alone and find another person to obsess over. preferably not a married person.

[cosmicgenius]

Thanks to everyone once again. Having this discussion with you is helping me. Its like I found an outlet to convey my feelings as I obviously cannot do that to the person of interest. I cannot say this to anyone else and hence I need to get it out of me to someone, in this case all you wonderful people..or else if i keep it within me, then it eat me out more..

If you dont find me annoying, can i ask for some questions not necessarily related to the now infamous "dress" incident?

Do you think a woman would know if a man is interested in her by the body language he exhibits? I read Indi talk about men making obvious advances, in my case, looking into her eyes and holding the glance for a while and trying to keep my attention on her in a room are some of signs I might expressed out to her. Do you think if she has an idea about my interest by now?

[Cain]

Go for it. She took the vow to be faithful and not you.

Do not listen to this.

OV's in a selfish phase of his life.

If you want to interfere in a relationship... fine... but there's a big boundary when it comes to marriage.

[cosmicgenius]

Cain, I will not go for it.

I will be happy knowing that she knows that I like her by my unspoken actions. I dont want any physical relationship with her.

All I was trying to look for is to know whether her actions indicate that she is atleast interested in me like a might have been possible thing in a different life if she were not married.

I value the advice that you guys gave, I promise that I will not tell her. I find happiness in small things. Just the fact that she knows that I like her and she atleast thinks of me that way will make me happy without ever telling her. If my love is not real, I might forget her after this current crisis and I dont deserve her love anyways.

[Cain]

Cain, I will not go for it.

I will be happy knowing that she knows that I like her by my unspoken actions. I dont want any physical relationship with her.

All I was trying to look for is to know whether her actions indicate that she is atleast interested in me like a might have been possible thing in a different life if she were not married.

I value the advice that you guys gave, I promise that I will not tell her. I find happiness in small things. Just the fact that she knows that I like her and she atleast thinks of me that way will make me happy without ever telling her. If my love is not real, I might forget her after this current crisis and I dont deserve her love anyways.

No, I don't think her actions indicate that she likes you. Does she consider you a friend? Probably. But from what you've said, that's as far as I think it goes.

[IndiReloaded]

Do you think a woman would know if a man is interested in her by the body language he exhibits? I read Indi talk about men making obvious advances, in my case, looking into her eyes and holding the glance for a while and trying to keep my attention on her in a room are some of signs I might expressed out to her. Do you think if she has an idea about my interest by now?

Again, based on what you have said, its hard to know what she is thinking. If you really want to know if she cares more than friends you'll have to ask. Tho honestly, if she's kind, you might not even get an honest answer from her. But, if you've been giving her conscious signals like above, then, yes its pretty certain she has got your signals. The fact she has chosen to ignore then, tho, is likewise a BIG signal from her she's either not interested or just isn't going there. So stop stirring the pot.

Imagine, your friend is a fundamentally good person who cares for you & doesn't want to hurt your feelings. So, you ask (like some kind of movie drama) "do you think, in another place & time... could we have been more than friends?"

What do you expect she will say? Unless she's heartless, of *course* she will say "yes, perhaps in another place in time..."

But really ask yourself why you even need to go there? You still won't know for certain if she means it. You won't EVER know, get that? And, even if she did say it and mean it, remember that fantasy is a LOT different from the reality of actually being in a relationship w/someone, where you get to live daily with their flaws and issues. What you think you know about her is a lot different from how she actually is but you aren't seeing that. Right now, you are in danger of getting yourself stuck in the 'what if' fantasy/obsession of what you think you know (and filling the rest in with what you'd like to be), and that is not a good place for you. It will prevent you from spending effort on a really nice, AVAILABLE girl who is closer than you think.

I'm starting to think that a healthy dose of 'no contact' with this gal for a few months might be good for both your sakes. Reset your thinking on this.

[Only-virgins]

I will be happy knowing that she knows that I like her by my unspoken actions.

That's pretty much going for it. Nice.

[Only-virgins]

Tho honestly, if she's kind, you might not even get an honest answer from her.

You know I respect everything you say Indi but even for a woman who is married not answering someone is rude and NOT kind.

[IndiReloaded]

What, OV? You can't imagine a situation where she might tell him "yes, perhaps in another life we might have been a couple"? Even if she didn't really believe it?

You think it is better to tell a friend "I'd rather eat my own shit than frunk your sorry ass."? Because they *are* friends. And, in my opinion, you don't eat the heart of someone you care about and spit it out and still call them 'friend'. Just b/c YOU are uncomfortable with some feelings they might have developed for you. Eventually, this guy will find someone else. And when he does, he might still actually appreciate the friendship of this gal and the fact she was able to be mature about the whole thing. That's a lot less likely if she were to crush him in a vulnerable moment, just b/c she could, don't you think?

I can imagine this. Hell, I can more than imagine this.

Anyway, I'm just trying to point out that, IF she thinks this way, that he can't ever know for certain if she's being completely honest about things. So he's best off just getting over the whole darn thing by going No Contact for a while.

[uncletom]

I think you should not be to active on such situation, for having a relationship with a married woman normally hurts. So, don't be too rush and try to be less sensitive. Unless you got very clear message from her, and then it would be your job to decide what you gonna to do with her suggestion...

[cosmicgenius]

Hi All,

I am the OP of this thread.

I am slowly getting to the realization that she is not mine and all of it was probably my own imagination due to my blind love for her.

I am 90% there to getting it out of my system. Pray that I get the strength to be normal without her in my thoughts again.

Thanks again one and all!

[IndiReloaded]

I am slowly getting to the realization that she is not mine and all of it was probably my own imagination due to my blind love for her.

I am 90% there to getting it out of my system. Pray that I get the strength to be normal without her in my thoughts again.

Good. And the key to this is to avoid contact w/her until you get your shit sorted out. Really. She's like a drug for you & you need to 'get off the needle' as the saying goes.

Maybe try posting some help for someone else's problem here. Often that can give perspective. And, if you need an example of just how common your situation is, just give this a read (its from an online poetry site). I bet it will sound *very* familiar to you:

I know you are impossible, and I am not stupid enough to try to change that. So what I am doing right now is coming to terms with your impossibility. Your impossibility, while making you even more desirable, confuses and angers me. In my mind, there is no real reason why I can’t claim you as my true love. Because of the strength of my emotions right now, I assume it is my right to express these emotions.

But I won't.

Because I know my reasoning is skewed by my emotions, and my emotions are over-inflated by my desire. Right now I just need to put myself in my place and let you live your life. So I am forcing myself through some intense mental gymnastics in order to reconcile myself to the reality of your life and what is best for you. I am exhausted. All I can hope for from this seemingly endless mind **** is that my life will somehow change for the better.

But could it?

I have to believe it can. I have to believe that at some point, hopefully soon, my mind will move over to a place without attachment. At that point I will know how to love you truly without ****ing you or being your partner in this lifetime. I will know how to have and to hold you, but at a distance and without desire. You will remain a spiritual beacon, an emotional refuge and a sexual force in my life, despite and because of everything.

And I hope I can be a friend to you.

Take care, CG. Think longterm. In 10 or 20 years, this will seem very funny/silly/boring to you.

[cosmicgenius]

Thanks for the poem Indi..and for all the help...