girlfriend hooked up with friend

[ctom18]

A few more things before sleep...

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply. You all have helped.

KMS, great post, you probably made me feel the best about this situation among anyone here. In fact, Al offered to break up with his girlfriend for Sue shortly after Sue and I started...the word "dating" might be a bit strong, but she knew that I liked her at that point. She turned him down because she wanted to see how things went with me. (The jealousy kicks in a little bit, because I think she might have actually wanted to be with him, but not willing to be the homewrecker... but that might be a little paranoid.)

Also, just to clear a few things up

--Al's girlfriend would believe me if I told her, and my girlfriend wouldn't lie to her either if asked about it (I'm still probably not going to tell her, but I haven't completely made up my mind). I'm somewhat surprised that everyone is so quick to tell me not to tell her. If someone knew my girlfriend was cheating on me and let me continue the relationship withought that knowledge, I'm not sure I would ever be able to forgive them.

--I have no double standard about male and female sexual partners numbers.

[flea]

If cheating is a forgivable, everyday offense that is no big deal, then why the need to keep it a secret at all costs?

let me clarify something right now. not once did I trivialise cheating, nor do I believe it's an everyday forgivable offence. my main point was about betraying your friend...if he was speeding would you call the police? what you do from here will be a reflection of your character, not his. do you think he would punk you out like this?

he f*cked-up, no doubt. but couldn't you talk to him about being honest about his own relationship and respecting your side of this tale instead of turning these peoples lives upside down to make yourself feel a little better?

I'm assuming you guys are close too, which is where my view is coming from. how did you find out about all this anyway?

[ctom18]

I do agree that my motives for telling would be suspect at best, and I've decided not to tell.

But let me pose the question a different way? Let's say your buddy was getting cheated on, and you knew about it? Would you tell him? It could be looked at as "punking him out" by keeping something like that from him, and his girlfriend is a friend of mine.

I found out because I kind of had a (I thought at the time, paranoid) hunch that something had happened between them, but I never asked. Then one day I did.

[flea]

I see where you're coming from with all this, but I stand by my original sentiment. if his infidelity is really bothering you that much, then take it up with him and get your point across that you don't like the way he treats your 'other' friend (his gf). if he disregards or disrespects your view completely, then I guess you know what sort of friend you have and you can choose to not be his friend anymore, and walk away with your head held high. but reducing yourself to being the guy who gets his bud 'found out' is low, imo.

[Gigabitch]

I will say that this whole situation has made me realize how much I really love this girl. I've broken up with many people for far less. That's mostly why I'm so upset. I kind of wish I could just break up with her and move on with my life, but I know I would regret that. I can picture myself years down the line kicking myself because I messed things up with a girl I loved more than anyone I can even remember for something that wasn't even technically wrong for her to do. It definately still bothers me though.

You've, in essence, condoned her behavior. Don't be surprised if she thinks it's okay to hide other things from you too.

If someone knew my girlfriend was cheating on me and let me continue the relationship withought that knowledge, I'm not sure I would ever be able to forgive them.

That's how I feel about it. If someone cheated on me and my friend knew and didn't tell me, that friendship would be over.

I do agree that my motives for telling would be suspect at best, and I've decided not to tell.

Your logic is flawed. The absolute right and wrong of it has nothing to do with what your motives are. Either you believe she should be told or you don't. There's not really a gray area here just because he's your buddy even though most guys would tell you there is.

[Only-virgins]

I'll tell you now, you shouldnt tell Als girlfriend. Its none of your business really.

Yea but where is the fun in that?!

[Only-virgins]

The entire situation is creepy to me. I make girlfriends and friends so easy now that I would drop both of them and run. Just weird to me. I could never date a girl who slept with one of my close friends. Either I lose a girlfriend or I lose the friend...A or B...no C here.

I want all of you to ask yourselves how you would feel if you found out that your SO screwed one of your friends and then kept it from you until now.

What friend? ....if you get my drift....oh and what so?

A druken mistake at a party, or club should be over looked. I think we've all made similar mistakes.

She didn't know Al had a gf, it's not HER fault, it's his... she did NOTHING wrong.

So basically you judged her for having sex with a random. Either get over it, or dump her. She was single and allowed to sleep with whomever she wants and wherever.

Yes you're wrong for questioning her so much. She shouldn't have to take that crap from you. She can't take it back, and getting mad at her isn't going to make it go away.

So she had a little fun before she met you... you found out and you're crying about it. If that incident tainted her that much just be done with her. If you love her as much as you claim to put the past where it belongs.

Yes, the cheating and not telling the gf IS another issue. However, you're in the know so the same could be appiled to you about not telling. You are also friends with Al's gf and you're still not telling... what's that say about you as a friend? (For the record I don't think either of you should tell her). But you certainly shouldn't be judging her for not telling when you aren't either.

You are an idiot. It is a completely different story if it is your friend. He surely doesn't have good friends either.

If she's faithful to you now and it's over between her and Al then what's the problem?

This isn't just about a sexual past. Its his friend. Doesn't he have to see him everyday and know that he is hanging out with a scum bang liar?

it happened before you got together.....can't hold that against her.

as for your friend and his infidelity towards his gf, don't EVER screw a buddy and tell his gf about his mistakes. this makes you a dog imo, and not worthy of sniffing the shit from under my shoes.

Another dumbass. Not surprising. This world is filled with people like you. He was IN a relationship at the time. That is not just a mistake. That is cheating. Bah, I would have fun. I would ruin his fake ass 3 year my ass relationship and laugh all day about it. **** him...not like I care for his friendship anyways. What kind of a friend ****s your girl in the bathroom and DOESN'T tell you about it later even if he did it before you two got together? A faggot that is who, **** him and **** his opinion of someone being a dog or not. The OP shouldn't care so much. He now holds a live grenade...he should throw it before it blows in his face. You can call people a dog but if my friend told me that he would be the one smelling the shit from under my shoe.

You people are pussies. You hear that OP?! get on your two feet. Kick your lying ass fake friend to the curb...preferably the same curb your girlfriend will being laying flat on also. Before you do make sure EVERYONE knows the truth. Than go out and buy yourself and a good cup of coffee, laugh, and find a better girl to ask out.

[girl68]

^ You've obviously been burnt real bad.

And it ain't a completely different situation than what I've been in. I've had friends who cheat. If I outed every person I knew who cheated well hell I'd have 1) a bad big mouth rep 2) few friends who trust me both rightfully so. Doesn't sound like a genious move on me no matter what my morals say.

[Cbrider]

^ You've obviously been burnt real bad.

That's a completely irrelevant point, the fact is that the OP was disrespected by not only his friend, but his gf.

I think you should dump the girl, deck Al and date his gf since you two seem to be the only honest parties involved.

Your current gf has the mentality of a freshman in high school......except she's twenty something.

[girl68]

What the hell did the gf do wrong? She was single and hooked up with a random? Just 'cause she later got involved with the randoms friend doesn't mean the before incident was wrong!

And how the hell has he been disrespected! No one screwed him over if anything y'all are disrespecting Al's girl.

[Cbrider]

What the hell did the gf do wrong? She was single and hooked up with a random? Just 'cause she later got involved with the randoms friend doesn't mean the before incident was wrong!

And how the hell has he been disrespected! No one screwed him over if anything y'all are disrespecting Al's girl.

Al never fessed up like a friend should of. It has nothing to do with the hookup, I wouldn't hold that against her. Its just the opinion I formed about her based off everything the OP has said.

I think the OP is a little paranoid about the whole thing, but Al is a slime ball.

[davidtorres]

Boo. If this had been a woman bitching about numbers you'd be giving props all around.
My tally has hit 13. I am 24. I also started at 15. When I was 20/21 I had ended a serious relationship, had a few FWBs, and just hung out with friends. BFD, it happens.

And I am in no way a hypocrite. Can you imagine the problems that would create? Al's girlfriend probably wouldn't believe him, and if she did, it'd create a whole slew of drama. I reiterate, for all you know, they could have talked about it, or they have an open relationship. If, however, he continues hooking up with your would-be girlfriends, I'd end the friendship. Whats making you stay, anyway?

lol you never see my giving props to any guy that had more count.

put yourself on al's gf. what would feel if everyone knew that al was cheating? it wasnt a personal attack to you but thats how i think it is in this situation. dont be offended but reality is thats hypocrisy.

[girl68]

Al never fessed up like a friend should of. It has nothing to do with the hookup, I wouldn't hold that against her. Its just the opinion I formed about her based off everything the OP has said.

I think the OP is a little paranoid about the whole thing, but Al is a slime ball.

Well I agree that Al is a dink. But I guess the point is you've got to choose your loyalty. Some might argue "oh no you don't" but when my very good friend is cheating on his (or her) partner who is not really my good friend then no- I'm not going to tell. But if they are both my great friend well then I'd obviously be more conflicted to tell or not tell. Either way the topic would be brought up between my cheating friend and I. Yes, I'd have a problem with a scummy cheating dirtbag of a friend.

I do wonder though how many times with how many women he cheats with though.

[ctom18]

Since I posted this thread, I went about a week without talking to her about this in order to cool down, collect my thoughts, and stop saying things just because I was upset.

We sat down last night and had a nice long talk about it, and I think it's going to work out.

(Mostly) rhetorical questions and thoughts that are currently running through my mind (feel free to comment/critique):

--I've had one night stands, and although I've never hooked up in a bathroom at a party or anything like that, is it really fair for me to claim that my one night stands are morally superior to her one night stands just because I took them home first?

--One thing that bothered/kind of still bothers me is that she had no problem being friends with Al and Al's GF, but she says she shrugs things off fairly easily, and that she doesn't necessarily hold her friends to the moral standards she sets for herself. For example, she is still on good terms with (not really friends with, but we've gone to parties at his apartment) an ex-boyfriend that cheated on her 5 times. In addition, she had just moved into town and didn't have a lot of friends, so she just invited him to things because she didn't know a lot of people. This doesn't really make sense to me, but is it right for me to say that my way of handling stuff like that is the moral authority on the matter?
After all this I don't really see either of us spending any time with Al anymore. She hasn't spent any time with Al or his GF since she found out how upset I was about their friendship. It is kind of a shame we are shunning Al's GF when she doesn't deserve it, but she is always with Al, and even if she wasn't, I'm not sure I can look her in the face without feeling like a jerk for what I'm hiding from her.

--Still not sure what to do with Al (I work with him, so I have to see him from time to time, which sucks). He still doesn't know I know.

--I've dumped lots of people for much less than this. This girl is special, and our time together has probably been the best first 6 months I've ever had in any relationship. When I was at my peak of being upset about this, I wished so hard that I could just break up with her and get on with my life, but I knew I would regret that. She didn't even really do anything wrong, and she's never treated me any less than great. I'm pretty sure we've worked through this.

Wish me luck...

[girl68]

Sounds reasonable to me. And just remember if she's a bitch for not telling Al's gf... what does that make you for not telling? Either way good to hear you're going to work on it. Also good that you've toned down the friendship with Al and his woman.