how to deal with a racist partner.

[Incognito]

That's why it's frustrating, i don't find any humor in it...like i said it makes my skin crawl when he says stuff like this. I don't understand how he could think it's ok. I know he's had really bad experiences with ppl of color especially black men but it's because of where he works. And i'm not even sure where he gets this shit, it's annoying and i don't like it. He doesn't think it's racist because he's jokingly saying it but to me it's wayyy crossing the line to say something as ugly and horrible as that.

Hey Bo. You know as well as I do that the whole "joking" excuse is total bullshit. I've heard plenty of racist jokes and even told a few. They usually start with "a black guy and a mexican walk into a bar" or something else that makes it obvious that a joke is about to be told. I even used to have an african guy that worked at my job. He was so ridiculously lazy! I said PLENTY about him like that when he stank up the bathroom it was probably because he ate lion asshole for dinner, lol. But guess what? I joked about that with the other two black guys that I worked with who also hated how lazy he was. They had their own jokes too. However when you start spouting off about a black woman who needs a kidney transplant being an incompetent n*gger, that is just ignorant and cowardly. If he truly thought that kind of speech was acceptable he'd speak that way in public and around his black/spanish/whatever friends. The fact that he saves such speech for when blacks or whomever else isn't around shows that he's a disgusting coward just like so many other racists.

I'm mixed and I had MANY negative dealing with black men in my past. That never drove me to start calling black people worthless n*ggers or anything as stupid as that. To be fair I don't like the stereotypical black man who has his pants hanging off his ass, refuses to speak proper english and is disrespectful to everyone beyond all belief. But guess what? There are also white men, asian men, and spanish men who are exactly the same. In general I realize that I don't like people, mainly because most people are arrogant and ignorant. Maybe your bf will realize one day that you can't single out one race to embody all of the negativity that he is trying to pin on them.

I don't think that you should just up and dump him over something like this like others have suggested. However you need to ask yourself if his refusal to change something as simple as his speech might be an indicator of how willing he is to change other more important attributes when your relationship is further down the road. You also need to ask yourself if his "joking" also might extend to women, and therefore you. We've already established that he is a coward and possibly a bigot, so who's to say that he doesn't talk about how "women are stupid and only good for sleeping with"? I'm sure his black friends aren't aware of his constant and belligerent use of "the -n- word", so maybe you aren't aware of the derogatory things that he says about women (or you personally).

[Bo]

Hey Bo. You know as well as I do that the whole "joking" excuse is total bullshit. I've heard plenty of racist jokes and even told a few. They usually start with "a black guy and a mexican walk into a bar" or something else that makes it obvious that a joke is about to be told. I even used to have an african guy that worked at my job. He was so ridiculously lazy! I said PLENTY about him like that when he stank up the bathroom it was probably because he ate lion asshole for dinner, lol. But guess what? I joked about that with the other two black guys that I worked with who also hated how lazy he was. They had their own jokes too. However when you start spouting off about a black woman who needs a kidney transplant being an incompetent n*gger, that is just ignorant and cowardly. If he truly thought that kind of speech was acceptable he'd speak that way in public and around his black/spanish/whatever friends. The fact that he saves such speech for when blacks or whomever else isn't around shows that he's a disgusting coward just like so many other racists.

I'm mixed and I had MANY negative dealing with black men in my past. That never drove me to start calling black people worthless n*ggers or anything as stupid as that. To be fair I don't like the stereotypical black man who has his pants hanging off his ass, refuses to speak proper english and is disrespectful to everyone beyond all belief. But guess what? There are also white men, asian men, and spanish men who are exactly the same. In general I realize that I don't like people, mainly because most people are arrogant and ignorant. Maybe your bf will realize one day that you can't single out one race to embody all of the negativity that he is trying to pin on them.

I don't think that you should just up and dump him over something like this like others have suggested. However you need to ask yourself if his refusal to change something as simple as his speech might be an indicator of how willing he is to change other more important attributes when your relationship is further down the road. You also need to ask yourself if his "joking" also might extend to women, and therefore you. We've already established that he is a coward and possibly a bigot, so who's to say that he doesn't talk about how "women are stupid and only good for sleeping with"? I'm sure his black friends aren't aware of his constant and belligerent use of "the -n- word", so maybe you aren't aware of the derogatory things that he says about women (or you personally).

Well we got into a huge blow out about it that last like 3 days. I don't think he ever thought i was THAT serious about it when i said i hate it when he says things like that, so he stopped. He says he doesn't really mean it, and they were just jokes. I think he is starting to get the point, and it doesn't help that a lot of his friends are really ignorant about that sort of stuff...i'm sure they just sit there and laugh which is why he thinks it's ok. Besides that he really is a great guy, he's not afraid to say things around me which is why we butt-heads at times or i catch him saying something totally unacceptable. I just want him to realize for himself that it makes him look bad, and i think he's starting to make an effort in not saying that stuff at least when we are together. Whenever he says something negative i normally point out something similar about white people, so we'll see where it goes but i'm not breaking up with him.

[Incognito]

Yeah that's a start, but like I said earlier I seriously doubt that his black friend are present when he throws around the -n- word. Does he joke about sucking dick? Highly doubtful. Why? Because he's not gay. If he wasn't racist on some inner level he wouldn't be compelled to tell his "jokes" (which as mentioned earlier are nothing more than incredibly ignorant and cowardly statements). I wonder if sexist comments are "jokes" too? Well you're a big girl, and you know what you're doing. Just don't kid yourself about the underlying causes of outward expressions like his. Outward manifestations point to a deeper root.

On a lighter note every time I eat pho now I think about the conversation we had a few months back where you mentioned that you help run your family's restaurant, lol.

[NytNrs&Mmartist]

if he makes black jokes---have sex with a black guy
if he makes mexican jokes---have sex with a mexican guy
if he makes indian jokes---have sex with an indian guy
if he makes asian jokes---have sex with an asian guy

i think you got the point>

[Bo]

Yeah that's a start, but like I said earlier I seriously doubt that his black friend are present when he throws around the -n- word. Does he joke about sucking dick? Highly doubtful. Why? Because he's not gay. If he wasn't racist on some inner level he wouldn't be compelled to tell his "jokes" (which as mentioned earlier are nothing more than incredibly ignorant and cowardly statements). I wonder if sexist comments are "jokes" too? Well you're a big girl, and you know what you're doing. Just don't kid yourself about the underlying causes of outward expressions like his. Outward manifestations point to a deeper root.

On a lighter note every time I eat pho now I think about the conversation we had a few months back where you mentioned that you help run your family's restaurant, lol.

Thanks, yeah i hope he realizes how wrong he is SOON, because i don't like it AT ALL. And i'm still doing the pho thing..haha it's only fun about 5% of the time lol

if he makes black jokes---have sex with a black guy
if he makes mexican jokes---have sex with a mexican guy
if he makes indian jokes---have sex with an indian guy
if he makes asian jokes---have sex with an asian guy

i think you got the point>

No thank you, i'm not a cheater.

[chirping]

you don't deal with a racist parter, you leave him.

he clearly has no respect for other people. there are things you can joke about but race is not, was not and never will be one of them. don't try to change him, he grew up that way. he will only pull you down and the mere fact that you are still with him means you already are making compromises when it comes to racism. I'm sorry but it's never acceptable.

[Incognito]

I don't think that anyone should take the hyper-sensitive American stance when it comes to racial remarks. Jokes are jokes, and sometimes they can be funny. Even a statement, when the mood is right, can be humorous. I'm not against such things, but for him to make non-humorous statements all the time and for them to be as nasty and disrespectful as they seem to be is the real problem.

I do think that chirping is right in that this is a result of his upbringing at home or his school/work surroundings in the past. It will definitely be hard for him to break, especially if he doesn't view it as a problem.

[Bo]

you don't deal with a racist parter, you leave him.

he clearly has no respect for other people. there are things you can joke about but race is not, was not and never will be one of them. don't try to change him, he grew up that way. he will only pull you down and the mere fact that you are still with him means you already are making compromises when it comes to racism. I'm sorry but it's never acceptable.

Actually i'm not compromising anything, just because he has problems doesn't mean i do. That's what someone caring does, they help...not abandon and no i don't feel the need to leave him. He's not doing anything to hurt me personally. I've been taking classes the last 2 years learning about the history and origin of where racism, sexism, and classism start so i'm pretty well informed, THAT'S why i'm SO bothered by it.

I don't think that anyone should take the hyper-sensitive American stance when it comes to racial remarks. Jokes are jokes, and sometimes they can be funny. Even a statement, when the mood is right, can be humorous. I'm not against such things, but for him to make non-humorous statements all the time and for them to be as nasty and disrespectful as they seem to be is the real problem.

I do think that chirping is right in that this is a result of his upbringing at home or his school/work surroundings in the past. It will definitely be hard for him to break, especially if he doesn't view it as a problem.

Well even though he's mixed like i said, he grew up in a very white christian home and now lives in an uppity suburban white neighborhood. For ex: i drove kinda crazy outta his neighborhood one day just as a joke because we'll swerve the car to scare each other (yes, we are aware that it might look like we are drunk, we only do it when no one is around). Anyway i was alone this time driving away from his house as he was leaving to go somewhere and he got all weird and told me not to do that IN HIS neighborhood, because his neighbors would freak out....note: no one was around at the time. He's very unaware of the underlying messages in the comments that he makes.

[misombra]

good for you for taking one racist off the dating market. i'm sure many other girls would thank you.

[CAM]

It is part of his (twisted) value system. He is not going to change, so you might have to move on.