Need Advice on an Affair

[sookie6]

I just want to know why the OP is staying in this marriage if herself feels she has crossed a line. It does not seem like you're in love with your husband, you have no children, why don't move out and find out more about yourself?

Maybe it's time to do some thinking away from men.

[mmsmith1977]

I guess basically I have not left because I do not know if that is what I want. I would like to try to work things out or go to counseling at this point, but maybe feel like it is too late. Pretty much I have been at a loss as to what to do, which is why I looked here. I will admit that I was too ashamed for my friends or family to know what I did.

[sookie6]

I don't think you should tell anyone you that you know slpet with someone else...don't count on people's blind loyalty to you in this particular issue.

Would you be my close friend I would tell you one thing:

Let sometime go by, say 2 to 3 months and your feelings will become clearer BUT ONLY IF YOU DONT GET NEAR THIS GUY AGAIN;

[moonlightcaster]

The topic of this thread is exactly what I am so scared about with my boyfriend.

The thought of him having an EMOTIONAL affair is more terrifying to me than a physical one because I could possibly consider forgiving him a physical cheat.

I could never accept an emotional affair because that is where the heart lies, and the heart can be damaged forever, if not killed.

[IndiReloaded]

^Good luck if you think you'll be able to control your partner's thoughts and feelings. In any case, I'm not sure I agree with the whole e-affair concept. This idea is a relatively new concoction of the 'professional' psych/counselling community. I think its created more problems than its solved re: relationships.

We aren't responsible for our thoughts. Only our acts of will.

[shammi]

in my country cheaters get lashed, your lucky you live in america

[qwerty78]

Some friend of your husbands. You want to keep it a secret so you can be happy. In the mean time your husband thinks he has a friend, but actually doesnt give two craps about him, or you for that matter. If you cared you would have talked to your husband. You need to tell you husband. When you cheated on him, you gave up your decision in what happens to the relationship. If you loved your husband, this would not have happened. Don't be cruel and hide what the realtionship really is any longer.

[sookie6]

in my country cheaters get lashed, your lucky you live in america

Youi forgot to specify female cheaters get lashed cos I think the men would be all right...

[Iamabeliever]

There are BIG dynamic stressors here.

1. His boss now looks at him like he is a pathetic loser for having a cheating wife. His boss's ego is so huge for screwing his employees wife. He is such a prick, his A** should be KICKED! I WANT TO RIGHT NOW! He is a little F*ing punk.

2. Your husband is unaware that you had sex with his boss and he is still working like normal and acting like normal...poor guy.

3. You F*ed up his JOB, MARRIAGE, LOVE etc...

4. What did he do to make you stray? Was he abusive? Didnt give you attention? I WANT to know because I do not want this to happen to me.

5. You MUST tell him or else this dynamic will F*ing EXPLODE in your face to something MUCH bigger that you will NOT be able to handle.

6. The man you cheated with knew that you were married so HOW can you TRUST him? He is a user. He used you. What a sly smooth talker he is. He talked his way into his employee's panties...looks like he hired the right guy wink*

7. You are not a bad person although, people make mistakes and should be forgiven for nobody is perfect. You deserve another chance and if your husband loves you, you two should work it out as long as you cut all ties with the person you had an affair with.

8. He now needs to find a new job.

9. We are just human and we make mistakes....dont hurt yourself over it. Just accept the consequences.


This makes me SO worried about getting married. I am still really young.

I dont want to be a victim .

[mmsmith1977]

One thing I do have to agree with- people are MUCH harder on women who cheat than on men. This is NOT to say that it is alright for either to do so, but if a man was on here I doubt people would be calling him names! I think it is equally wrong for men or women, but women are looked down on much more for it. Anyway that being said, Imabeliever, you asked what he did to make me stray? Unfortunately there really is not a specific answer. We have been drifitng apart and having issues, and no he has not always been attentive or appreciative, BUT that is no reason to cheat. The fault is mine, not his. I should have gone to him a while ago and made my feelings clear. But, dont let this sour your thoughts on marriage. Lots of people have great, faithful relationships. Marriage (any relationship really) is alot of work and if one or both parties stop trying and let themselves grow apart and emotionally check out then that is when there are big problems. I would hope there is still a chance, I think that were the situation reversed I would still try to work things out with him, and honestly I am not 100% certain that HE has been completely faithful (I honestly do not want to know). Everyone makes mistakes, and I would wager that 99% of the people on here have done something in their life that they are ashamed of or that has caused someone else pain. All I want now is to be able to somehow move on from this.

[Gigabitch]

One thing I do have to agree with- people are MUCH harder on women who cheat than on men. This is NOT to say that it is alright for either to do so, but if a man was on here I doubt people would be calling him names

Oh, believe me, we're not sexist around here. The male cheaters get shredded just as much as the females.

[Iamabeliever]

You can move on knowing that no matter how hard these people are on you, you are forgiven from the highest power...even if your husband does not. Whether you do or do not believe in God, He forgives you. Lift your chin and if you are truly sorry for your actions, ask for forgiveness and accept the sacrifice Jesus gave up for you for what you already committed and will commit. Everything will be ok.

[hopefull1972]

mmsmith1977,

People all make mistakes and all can be forgiven by God. Your husband, different story. He may or may not forgive. He may forgive but not want to go through the long and difficult journey to recover from an affair. I have been the husband whose wife has had an affair. It happened 5 years ago and it is still difficult. There are some days I don't know if we will make it. It's not just because I have not forgiven completely but that some of the "benefit" of being married has been stripped away probably forever.

However, some advice from a husbands perspective. Tell him everything completely, honestly, and totally. Most will come out anyway. However, telling him upfront will allow him to start to get over it much quicker. I said get over. That may be in or out of marriage. However, it is his choice now. You did the deed, now he has to decide if he wants to stay. That should be his decision and not yours(by trying to withhold info and such). The committment "value" is gone out the marriage. Do not take the "openness, honesty, and integrity" completely out.

Also, don't ever talk to this man ever again if you want a shot at your marriage. Yes, you are confused but you need total and complete separation to start thinking clearly.

I do believe what others have said. This man is not a friend to your husband. Never really was. He also does not truely care about you. If he did, even if there was attraction---he would not have acted on it so easily.

Again, I was advise to just be completely honest. You have said that you take responsibility and it is not your husbands fault. So now, take complete responsibility and be honest. Marriages can be better after an affair but it will be a long road. We all have to protect our hearts and emotions because we are all capable of making mistakes such as an affair that will affect our lives forever.

Many blessings.....

HF

[zonay]

in my country cheaters get lashed, your lucky you live in america

I think you belong the same country where Jihadi terrorists blow off millions of innocent people every day. Where people are covered in spices and then buried in ground so that hungry wild dogs attack them and eat their flesh while they are still conscious? I am so disappointed in this post I seriously never felt so in furious in a long time!

[zonay]

I don't think you should tell anyone you that you know slpet with someone else...don't count on people's blind loyalty to you in this particular issue.

Would you be my close friend I would tell you one thing:

Let sometime go by, say 2 to 3 months and your feelings will become clearer BUT ONLY IF YOU DONT GET NEAR THIS GUY AGAIN;

I completely agree with this post!