Long Distance Transition Advice Needed

[shh!]

Sometimes I can't tell; or don't remember is they don't post often. For example, Mishanya (sp?) is a guy, right? Girls name though. One? who knows what he/she is.

Memory is slipping, huh? What a drag it is getting old...
Mishayna is a male, silly!

[Lloyd95]

Memory is slipping, huh? What a drag it is getting old...
Mishayna is a male, silly!

Mishayna who?

[dietrice]

Umm, if the off-topic-ness is over, could anyone else give me some advice (all relevant info is on the first page)? I'm really not doing so well, I've talked to her today some and it's been generally normal but I feel really weird about it now. Oh well.

[TAVS]

Sorry, if you want any advice from me, you're going to have to give me a 1-2 paragraph summary.

[Junsui]

We gave you advice before the "off topic-ness" started. I don't know what else to tell you. You will continue to feel weird about it because things have now changed. Before she was certain of wanting to marry you and have a future and now she has no clue what she even wants. Just because the person you are dating goes through a little bit of depression doesn't mean your feelings for them completely change. So, I don't know what else might be going on in this situation.

[Debunkt]

Here's some advice:

First off, use the phone. Talking online loses its intimacy and connection kind of quickly in an LDR. Hearing the other person's voice, they're feelings, and everything of that sort helps you understand a lot better what EXACTLY they're saying, and it will strengthen your communication (yeah, its not in person, but its as close as you'll get).

Secondly, do NOT use friends to sneakily get info out of her. If you can't talk to her about this stuff, and she can't talk to you, that's a problem. No matter what you're feeling, good or bad, you have to be COMPLETELY honest in an LDR. Without that, all you're ever going to do is second guess everything. You're in a relationship, just like any other in most aspects, and honesty and comfort are just as important.

Next, you do need to be able to have lives outside of each other. When you do this, you're either going to realize one of two things. When you're living your normal life and away from talking to her, you miss her (or she misses you) like crazy... ooorrr you're going to realize you're having a much better time without holding yourself to this person. However that works out, its a fact you'll both be aware of, and will make it easy to gauge the seriousness of your relationship.

Really, things don't look good. You really need to resolve your sexual issues (which, yes, you OBVIOUSLY have), as well as your communication problems. I'd say you weren't doing bad, and there's really not enough information to say where things went wrong. Sometimes shit just isn't meant to be. And believe, there is going to be NO just being friends. Just not going to happen.

[dietrice]

Well.......

Something I just found out from her today was that she'd tried messing with her birth control pills this visit (she tried that thing where you skip the placebo pills and start the new pack right away to avoid having a period, but she had the wrong kind of pill for doing that so she had a bizarre period and severe cramps), and it resulted in some extreme hormonal imbalances. She'd been having terrible cramps that resulted in her lying their in pain for quite a length of time more than once while I was there, and now that I found out she'd messed with her dosage I am thinking that it's entirely possible hormonal imbalances caused much of her annoyance. She had a hysterical breakdown over getting lost on teh way to the airport before I got there, which she definitely isn't prone to having, and that was the day she messed with her dosage first. She didn't conclude that these caused her to act any differently, because she's always denied getting PMS and chalked any behavioral changes to cramps being annoying. All my other female friends say she's either a mutant or doesn't know what she's talking about.

Therefore I've concluded that the odds are extremely good the annoyance part of this last visit was at least partially as a result of major hormone problems, and therefore am more optimistic about the next visit going well (the timing will be such that it won't be at the end of a cycle when I'm there).

I am aware that the openness thing is an issue. We are extremely open as a general rule, and in this case she's not being open because she can't be open with herself either. If she is vehement about not knowing something, she doesn't know it.

As for the phone, I just got a cell phone, so phone is going to be more of a happening thing.

Sexual problems - she only had one sexual complaint, and it was easily remedied. Basically I didn't do something cause she was acting pissy, which she never had before, and now that I know she had hormone problems I think I will not have any problem doing it in the future. Sorry to be vague, but that's the deal. Most of her complaints were related to kissing techniques, strangely enough. Also easily remedied.

I dunno, I don't think either of us really think it's doomed at this point. I'm quite sure the next visit will go a LOT better than the last one now that I know about this whole birth control pill disaster which won't be repeated. After that it's a matter of worrying about living arrangements in the future. I have some actual career goals that could be best fulfilled by moving at least in the general area of where she is (I'm really into renewable energy sources and the Bay area is one of the heaviest implementers of it, and the town she actually lives in is currently voting on a proposition to implement about 2500 houses that run on solar, which would create quite a lot of jobs in the area related to them), and if she understands that that's actually what I would want to be doing whether I was with her or not I'm pretty sure she'd get over thinking she is my only reason for moving and. She's really not my sole reason for wanting to move to California, I had plans to do so before I had any interest in her. There is really, truly nothing for me in my current state, and I've been looking to move out of it the last several years of my life. I think solving our problems might at least partially be a matter of showing her that there is more to my life than her.

[misombra]

what the hell is all this?

[Debunkt]

Umm, I'm not sure that a simply hormonal problem is the only problem. If she couldn't tell you that before, that's a communication problem right there. Also, you did indicate that you were having problems residually, as in it wasn't just visit related. You're other doubts and worries came out, and you can't just throw those out now that you think it was only because of one thing. You both have to deal with the insecurities that have arisen. Also, I wasn't only talking about her complaining about sex or kissing. You also said you had some annoyances with sexual and kissing things she did, and obviously only in defense of yourself for her having complaints. That's a sexual issue right there. You either have problems with her or you don't, and you can't just suddenly say that she does things you don't like after you find out she doens't like something. These are some of the issues you need to figure out.

[Junsui]

What kind of pills is she taking? I know what you are talking about by starting your next month of pills early to avoid having a periond, but I've never heard of it causing all of that to go on. Yes, PMS is common, but if she has never really had it before, then she's not going to get it from the pill. If anything the pill eases any PMS you might have.

[Tone]

what the hell is all this?

I agree with this post.

I read a bit of what Debunkt posted (cause he's so dreamy) and it sounds like this guy is another one of those guys who talks to their girlfriend/crush via the internet.

[Junsui]

I agree with this post.

I read a bit of what Debunkt posted (cause he's so dreamy)...

Not as dreamy as Graham!

[Debunkt]

Who's graham? And yes I am!