hes been texting another woman but swears he didnt cheat. been together 11 years

[Wakeup]

That wouldnt be good enough for me. How do you know he wont just buy a new secret phone and just be more careful to hide this affair from you? I would want to confront her myself and ask her to tell me her side of the story and ask did he physically cheat?

I wouldnt just take his word that everything is hunkey dory.. Sorry i know im not helping you to recreate trust BUT you need to be sure hes not just telling you what you want to hear

Michelle. That is fine. It wouldn't be good enough for you and the proof of that will be when/if your relationship with your bf is threatened because he is finding a new coworker exciting and fresh and new. Until then, all the "that wouldn't be good enough for me's" are just words without action.

You are obsessed more with being made a fool of through being lied to then anything, really. That's ego and ego has no place in this if they want it to work. It will be quite clear via the red flags he flies if he's doing anything like what you suggest.

[horndog]

That wouldnt be good enough for me. How do you know he wont just buy a new secret phone and just be more careful to hide this affair from you? I would want to confront her myself and ask her to tell me her side of the story and ask did he physically cheat?

I wouldnt just take his word that everything is hunkey dory.. Sorry i know im not helping you to recreate trust BUT you need to be sure hes not just telling you what you want to hear

Good lord, what good could actually come out of confronting the other woman that would actually be productive in resolving this issue? Why don't you just piss on your boyfriend and everything he owns to just "mark" your territory. Its just about as productive as the confrontation bit.

[Starnique]

Although Michelle does sound paranoid, I agree with some of the things she said. My Ex was a cheater and men lie about that. They always say, they're no longer dealing with this chic, that chic and most of the time, they are still dealing with them or have someone new. Like now my Ex will give anything to be with me but that ship has sailed basically because if he in your heart, he in there but when he's out. He's out. I'm sure he's changed but the damage is done and If you was good to them, they will remember you and always run back to you because there is no other woman out there like you. But, they have to deal with the consequences.

Anyway, he needs to prove himself to you. I'm speaking to you from experience. Men will only do what you let them do and he has to know you're not joking because they will keep pushing your limits when they know you love them. If you choose to take him back, then that's on you but he needs to know your dead set serious. Life can be stressful at times. What's going to happen when he get stressed again?

I don't trust it. I would be like uhm, I want to hear you tell her that your through with her and you're into me totally and only dedicated to me.

[Starnique]

Then again, if this is the only time he has stepped out in 11 years, you could give him another chance I guess.

Eleven years and not married? He needs to be checking out rings and go ahead and seal the deal.

[josie33]

so i got home, he grabbed my hand n said 'sit down because you would have worried all day about what happened'. he told her today. told her that they both knew what they were doing was wrong n was headed nowhere. he said he cdnt see or talk to her anymore because he wanted to try n repair r relationship. apparently she just looked aside, said ok n walked off. he then tol me to delete all th messages n her number from his phone. we did it together. hes put the phone on the table on loud so i can hear if a txt/call comes through n said i can check it anytime. he deleted his call log so her number no longer exists. we have talked about changes we both need to make. i have told him i have not forgiven him, i dont know if i even can, but only time will tell. wake up -we will plan r first date this weekend n take it from there.

[michelle23]

Good lord, what good could actually come out of confronting the other woman that would actually be productive in resolving this issue? Why don't you just piss on your boyfriend and everything he owns to just "mark" your territory. Its just about as productive as the confrontation bit.

She would be more likely to get the full truth that way dog. Cheaters lie. When they are caught and backed into a corner, the lie. They try to make it look not as bad as it actually is. Plus EA are addictive. Its not as easy as "i never wana talk to you again, blocked you deleted your number, goodbye" many are sucked back in and it doesnt end just coz he said it did. How is wanting honesty and the truth "marking my teritory.

He has already proved he IS capable of lieing, cheating and decieving. I wouldnt be stupid enough to just so okay you told her its over, great-lets live happily ever after.

Im not saying she shouldnt try and work it out if she wants to. Just dont believe everything he tells her. Hes gotta earn her trust now and prove it really is over and tell her the FULL truth if they are gonna move forward

[Wakeup]

Michelle. Just once, put a fking sock in it, will you. Jesus H. Christ. This woman doesn't want to hear your paranoid shit and baggage that you hold onto due and because of being cheating on yourself.

Coming here to this forum is like going to couples councelling for her. Do you really think a therapist would tell her the rubbish you spew so often about your own fear of infidelilty?

[michelle23]

F**k you WU. Im not paranoid. I just wouldnt put my head in the sand and sweep this under the rug. I was answering dogs qs. I think first and foremost shes gotta be sure she does know the full truth before deciding what action to take

[Wakeup]

Josie: She can lie just as easily as your boyfriend could and contacting her at this point will be detrimental to your reconciliation attempts. Play it by ear, look out for red flag behaviour but don't be paranoid and conjure up stuff that isn't there, enjoy your date and all the best to you both. I hope he shows you and you inturn show him that you value one another and you work through this just fine.

[Wakeup]

F**k you WU. Im not paranoid. I just wouldnt put my head in the sand and sweep this under the rug. I was answering dogs qs. I think first and foremost shes gotta be sure she does know the full truth before deciding what action to take

**** you too. You are the most paranoid person about infidelity I have ever witnessed on a forum. I suggest YOU get help for your own fear of it that you project onto couples that are trying their best to get back on track. It's one thing to tell someone to leave when it's obvious that there is no remorse and its been ongoing and continuing.... It's quite another to keep pushing your agenda on people like Op and her partner.

[michelle23]

Im not pushing an agenda. Im telling her for her own sake that she should be satisfied that he is telling the whole truth before deciding whether she is gonna make it work or not.

Im not paranoid. Im just not naive. I would seek the truth in her shoes before making a decision

and the reason i say that people lie to cover a lie is coz ive seen it happen to many friends. I would give an example but then i would just be "pushing my view"

youve always had an issue with me WU, from day 1 you have done nothing but challenge me on this forum. F**k you. You dont intimidate me. Im entitled to be here just like you are and if you dont agree with me-fine. I really dont care. Im trying to help OP too. I dont want her to find out in a month or a year that there was more after she has forgiven him. And we have seen numerous examples of that happening on here before

[Wakeup]

As I said.. **** you too. I'm not trying to intimidate you, I'm trying to educate you.

Councelling for your obvious fear of being cheated on again would help you to be a little less subjective when giving your "advice" and "opinion" on this particular subject.

Im trying to help OP too. I dont want her to find out in a month or a year that there was more

Newsflash: That's none of your fking business. If she wants to try only to find out nothing changed... then at least she'll know she tried... which IS her business... not yours.

[josie33]

crikey....
urm. i have asked a lot of q's. he has said he did no more than txt. he said she wanted to kiss him n he pushed her off. she sent a txt saying 'i want to kiss u' n his response was 'im smiling'- not 'me too' or something to insinuate they had. i am scared they kissed, yes. very much so. but i can ask til the cows come home n if thats the answer it wnt change. i have to draw a line else im making myself loopy going over n over it. im not trying to stick my head in the sand. i want it to be over. i will probably keep asking q's as i have done because i want to understand y this happened.

[josie33]

he told me he doesnt want to talk about her any more. he wants to shut the door on her. if i have q's i can n should ask but he said the issue isnt her its sorting us. he says it was never about her. he didnt go looking for her. he wanted it to be me.

[michelle23]

As I said.. **** you too. I'm not trying to intimidate you, I'm trying to educate you.

Councelling for your obvious fear of being cheated on again would help you to be a little less subjective when giving your "advice" and "opinion" on this particular subject.

Newsflash: That's none of your fking business. If she wants to try only to find out nothing changed... then at least she'll know she tried... which IS her business... not yours.

I don't have a fear of being cheated on. I just have strong morals and I do believe it is wrong. I know if it were me in OPs shoes-I would confront the OW. Newsflash to you WU: This is an advice forum for people to give their opinion. You are not a relationship counselor, nor am I. OP is entitled to the truth