Very Complicated Situation

[smackie9]

Cerby whitedragon can't afford a therapist at this time unfortunately.

[whitedragon20na]

That's right, or else that's exactly what I would be doing, for more reasons than just this situation.

[smackie9]

You hang in there and keep doing the best you can

[whitedragon20na]

I sit here day in and day out, constantly angry and in pain. Logic and common sense all tell me the reality of the situation, but my emotions, my heart refuses to accept it. I keep trying to hold on to something that's gone. This illusion of something that never really existed has me beaten down and nearly broken. My thoughts are constantly filled with memories that perpetuate this fantasy relationship that was never truly real, at least not for her, and in turn, myself as well. While the relationship itself was real, it was built on lies, and continued on for years with more lies, secrets and deception.

All the truths, the reality of it all, and I still can't let go. I knew, I absolutely knew it was going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, I just didn't know it was going to be this hard.

[smackie9]

You will get this straightened out in your head....you need to hang onto something that is real.....how about the most real thing....yourself.

[Cerby]

Are you doing anything to occupy yourself or are you sitting around dwelling on it?

[whitedragon20na]

Being stuck inside and unable to do a whole lot sucks. It ends up leaving me trapped within my own mind, which right now is a very dark place.

I go out for walks, but that doesn't help every time as it also allows my mind to do whatever the hell it wants.

I've been doing work lately, and that actually has helped, when I'm focused on it. It's not as easy as it used to be because my mind continues to pull me into that dark place, constantly.

Like I mentioned before, when there's ANYTHING I think about, my brain tries to put it into one of those three categories I detailed. About 10%-15% of the time I can stop myself, but typically it's too late when my better sense prevails.

Something that has occurred lately though is that she's back at school and I can see when she's online due to gmail's contact feature. I keep changing the settings from not being able to see her online to it showing when she's on. I keep telling myself to stop looking, but it never works for more than a few hours.

One thing I recently discovered is that one of my other close friends, former best friend, whom stopped talking to me after we got into a big fight while I was visiting her back in May, was a HUGE reason for me staying upright for several months after I lost Tiffany.

[smackie9]

You need to take that step to delete her from your contact list. Then focus on trying to mend things with your friend.

[whitedragon20na]

I typed out an email that, as of right now, I intend to send to her after all the legal stuff surrounding me has been resolved, here's what it says.

I'm writing this now, but you'll get it when all the legal stuff surrounding me has been resolved, which will probably several months from now.

I sit here, closing in on eight months after the fact and I don't feel any different than when it happened, except that I hurt even worse. I go on every day thinking it over in my head, playing the 'what if' game so none of it ever even happened. I've never regretted anything more in my life than what I did to you. I still hurt so much every day because I can't fix it. Everything reminds me of you, I can't get you out of my thoughts no matter how hard I try. I've never hurt this much in my entire life. I've never missed someone so much, I've never wished I could undo something as much as I do what happened with you.

I keep telling myself all different kinds of things to try and cope with it, but none of it works. I even try and tell myself that maybe someday, just maybe, after I've fixed myself and made myself a better person, that you and I might be able to be friends again. I know that's highly unlikely and that you hate me more than anyone or anything, but it's probably the only thought right now that's keeping me from finally breaking down and losing it completely. You are an absolutely wonderful person and there's no way I deserve you in my life, not now anyway. I need to seek help and do what I can to make myself a better person before I have any chance of fixing damaged relationships.

I know full well that the perceived relationship I had with you was built completely on lies, secrets and deception. No sort of relationship (in this case, a friendship) is going to ever work when that's how it was built. I knew it was never going to end well with you and I still couldn't let go, and I really don't know why. You're the ONE person I've not been able to let go of, the one person whom I got the most attached to, ever, and I just can't figure out why.

I do believe the reason this happened in the first place is because I've always been unhappy with who I am. I don't love myself, and I border on hating myself, so I had to be 'someone else' for fear of rejection and my negative perception of myself.

I do wish I could go back and just take it all away. Like in the movie 'The Butterfly Effect', where he goes back and make sure Kayleigh and he never grow up together to save her from everything that happened, but he retains all the memories he has of her. I would do just that to save you all the grief and pain I've caused you. You never, ever deserved what I put you through and I can never take it back, it's something that'll be with me for the rest of my life. When it's all said and done, at this point, you are the person that's had the greatest single impact on my life, even though I only knew you for 4 1/2 years, it felt so much longer than that.

Just know that if there never is a place for me in your life again, that you have forever changed my life, and I hope that I can change it for the better. I need to be a better person, I need to completely change my life around, and if it weren't for you, I never would have realized that.

I'm sorry for everything. I do still care about you, I do still love you, but right now, I absolutely know I don't deserve your forgiveness or you. Maybe again some day, but not until after I'm better.

Take Care,
Nicholas

[smackie9]

I suspect that sending this will be illegal. You are best to have this looked at by the lawyer and find out if you can or not. If she has a restraining order against you that means "no contact" by email, letter or by any other means.

[whitedragon20na]

I do believe if there was a restraining order, I would've been informed of such. Also, as I mentioned, I don't plan on sending it until the legal stuff is over and done with. My intention now is to send it then, though, there really is the possibility that by that time, I won't want to.

[Cerby]

Nothing helps you get over one woman better than another one. I don't think rebounding is a good basis for a solid relationship, but nothing wrong with going to the gym and picking up someone to screw around with in a casual relationship for a while. It won't make the hurt go away, but it was make it enduring it much easier until you're ready to resolve your inner conflicts.

I also agree that the letter, after legal proceedings or not, would probably just open up old wounds. It is a cleverly worded play to tell her how you still feel, which is fine, but I think you should write it, put it in an envelope, and then hide it away. Sending it will not yield results.

[IndiReloaded]

That letter screams 'unhealthy' in so many ways. First, its not good that so much of your happiness is wrapped up in another person.

If I were you, I'd burn it.

[whitedragon20na]

That letter screams 'unhealthy' in so many ways. First, its not good that so much of your happiness is wrapped up in another person.

If I were you, I'd burn it.

It's actually an email that I typed up, not a written letter.

Also, I'm fully aware of how unhealthy it is, along with everything else surrounding her that I went through.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, typing letters like that isn't going to help you get over her any sooner. Date other girls, even if you aren't into them. You need to move forward.