Fell in love with another man and told my boyfriend honestly, now he dumped me

[Gigabitch]

Well, FYI, the "I never intended to hurt you" thing actually makes things worse. I've experienced this from the other side of it, and in my opinion, that just sounds like "It's not my fault you got hurt." That doesn't fly.

Apologizing for it is just step one. What you have to do after that is try to mend the enormous hole in his trust and his confidence. It's a terrible blow to a man to have his girlfriend fall for someone else. It does grievous harm to his self esteem. Apologizing does nothing to address that, nothing to give him any assurance that you won't go off and do this again next year (like BrianK's girlfriend does every so often).

Can you think of some things you SHOULD have said to him before it was too late?

[moonshadow1234]

Well I told him I was sure this would not happen again. I explained everything to him and gave him presents, did nice things, tried to make him feel special by saying what I liked particularly about him that I will never find with anyone else. What I kept doing, though, and you may be willing to hit me. is that I kept having fun with male friends. He told me that it was not that I did something wrong, as I was not flirting or anything. It is just that he did not feel special to me because of what happened and indeed I made him feel insecure. Then when I had a laugh with a friend in a cafe where we both were, and no he did not think I was flirting, he was just hurt again because he then saw things like ''oh my god i can not make her laugh like that, i do not fascinate her, that is why she fell in love with another man''. I should have kept any male friends away untill everything was restored, but I did not have the brains to see that that was what I should do in order to make him happy again. I should have shown him there was no other guy that could me laugh and dream and that I would like to spend a minute with besides him. He trusted me in the sense of knowing that I was not interested in these friends, as he knew them too, but he just gets angry and jealous if he sees anyone else giving me something he does not seem to give me. He told me I had fun more with other friends, and I was more serious with him because he was so serious, He felt like he could not make me laugh really hard and get out the best of me, Then he told me if he can not be the best to a girl, he would rather run away than keep trying. I had no shortcomings, and as he told me all this after breaking up with him. I did not know he was feeling this way. Actually he had not told me anything about his feelings untill weeks after breaking up in long long phone calls.

[Gigabitch]

You broke the boy's heart! Hopefully, he won't be this sour forever. Hopefully, you learned what NOT do do with a boyfriend, too. I bet this kind of thing never happens again with you, right?

[moonshadow1234]

I think he can forgive me for what happened. The thing is, he will keep thinking he does not get the best out of me and that then he would not feel good and strong being with me. He does not look insecure and tries to act strong all the time, but I do not think he always is, otherwise he would not find it so important to be really everything to me. It is not possible to be everything to someone, right? But I think he wanted to feel this in order to make up for my mistake. I wish I knew how to make it clear to him that he just made me so happy, the funniest guy on earth could not make me feel that way. I was just so in love with him with his way of loving me, of holding me, of taking care of me, I felt so protected when I was together with him, I felt so safe, I knew he would rescue me if someone attacked me so I was never scared. But hell, this was all not enough to him, I did not know what to do anymore. And at this moment it is so difficult to repeat all those things to him, because he does not want to be with me and he just wants to be friends, I can not possibly keep running after him making him feel confident if it is possible he just does not love me anymore and I am just making a fool out of myself, can I?

[moonshadow1234]

Indeed it will never happen again. I just indeed did not realize what not to do. I seem to be so smart at things that do not matter, and than the basic rules of life and general knowledge, I do not catch.

I broke his heart, indeed. He broke mine too. How awful, I wish I could just redo the whole thing with this knowledge. I would have made a much much better girlfriend.

[IndiReloaded]

why can't one love two people? are their limitations to how many people we are allowed to love? who made that rule that we must practice monogamy?

I agree with you, D. Of course we can love more than one person. But there was an understanding b/t these two that they were monogamous (in their feelings towards each other). Also, Moon was using her feelings for this other guy almost as an excuse to manipulate her ex. That is what is really wrong about the situation. Not that she found herself interested in another guy, but that she heartlessly let her BF know this and made him writhe on the post for it.

Really, what was he supposed to do at that point? Say "oh, okay go ahead and explore your feelings for this other guy, I'll be here waiting when you're done sowing your oats"?

While there are rare, adult relationships that allow this kind of behaviour, its not within most healthy couples boundaries to allow it. And certainly not in this case, neither is mature enough nor seems to be interested in that kind of open relationship.

[Lite]

Let's just state this simply and honestly.

You broke your boyfriend's heart and trust. He dumped you. The end.

You ****ed up, you're now enjoying the consequences of your actions. You had your chance to end the relationship with the other man, you failed the first time, and when you finally did close the door on that relationship it wasn't in a manner that brought closure for your boyfriend.

What's there to understand? You ****ed your boyfriend in the ass, told him you did, and eventually he decided that he really wasn't OK with it. He didn't screw you over, but he is hurt and probably doesn't really want to see you.

How is he stringing you along, if you're the one still hanging around him? He hasn't resolved his feelings about you, and he's still confused. What about it?

Sheesh!

[Lite]

why can't one love two people? are their limitations to how many people we are allowed to love? who made that rule that we must practice monogamy?

The rule was an agreed upon piece of the relationship when they entered into it as a mutual and exclusive thing. That's where the rule was made. Between her and her boyfriend. They agreed upon the rules, she broke the rules and engaged in at least an emotional relationship with another guy. (Which, honestly to me is worse than ****ing someone.)

As to why people should practice monogamy? I have yet to meet anyone who is poly, that isn't seriously ****ed up in the head, have trust issues, or a chemical imbalance. Seriously, I haven't, and I've met a LOT of poly folk.

We are chemically enabled to pair bond.

If she wanted an open relationship she would have negotiated that at the outset, he'd most likely have told her to go **** herself, and that would have been that.

If you agree to be monogamous, you agree to be monogamous. The decision to bring a 3rd, or 4th, or whatever person into the relationship is a group decision, she didn't ask him or consult him. End of story, end of lesson, end of explanation.

The rule exists because they established it as a rule between themselves.

[Cbrider]

You're boyfriend was an idiot for not dumping your ass immediately.

Sorry, but you will find no sympathy here, you tried to bend the rules of trust to play both sides of the field and found that they don't bend with sane people.

I had a girlfriend pull this shit on me and i stuck around thinking it would change, that I would forgive and forget and that she would also. This shit never changes, the instigator never fills the void - its just a one and done deal.

You can NEVER fix broken trust on that kind of level.

You lost, quit trying to feel sorry for yourself and fish for a sympathetic bystander. Learn from this and keep your ducks in a row. You wan it all, go sit in on a Fundamental Latter Day Saints sermon.

[Yggdrasil]

why can't one love two people? are their limitations to how many people we are allowed to love? who made that rule that we must practice monogamy?

According to American psychiatrist Frank Pittman, a person who claims he or she has too much love for just one person does not really love two people, or anyone at all.

"He or she is sexually attracted to many people and want them to take care of him or her. He or she defines his or her lust or needy feelings as 'love'. But he or she is not actively loving anyone."

According to Pittman, this person only uses the word "love" to hide his or her real motive, which is sex. It is their way of making their desire sound respectable somehow. He or she thinks people would buy it as a valid excuse for their infidelity.

So what's wrong with them then? It's nothing chemical, astrological, or due to an errant shot from Cupid's bow. Above all, it is not a problem in the relationship that they trying to solve. Nor do they have too much capacity for love.

Pittman explains: "They have an immature, narcissistic fear of loving someone. The crowded bed is their effort to escape the engulfing comfort or the engulfing intensity of a real, equal, and intimate relationship with a real partner. He or she feels shame and inadequacy and fears being both fully married and fully known."

Some people indeed fear being trapped in a marriage, sharing a life with a partner who sees his or her flaws and giving up his or her dream of romantic adventures with more than one person. These people are like children who fear facing the realities of life. They are not strong enough to give up their many partners because they want their dreams of romance to go on.

So let's make this clear: Is it possible for a person to love two people at the same time and with the same intensity???

Definitely not.

The attention he or she gives to one person is the same attention he or she deprives the other person of. The time and energy they lavish on person #2 are time and energy person #1 could have gotten instead. It's a zero-sum game. So if he or she decides to love two people, the "love" he or she be giving can only be incomplete.

And here's another point: The fact that he or she tried to fool their partners is proof enough that he or she does not really love their partners. For how could one hurt someone they truly love??? Men and Women have to be clear when they use such a potentially misleading word as "love."

Remember that love is not simply an emotion but something one does, a set of observable and predictable actions.

If a person really means it when he or she says "I Love You" it will show in the way he or she acts toward you.

But isn't a philanderer bothered by his or her actions?? you might ask. They seem to be enjoying their games. On the surface, maybe. But are they really happy?

I remember a scene from a movie where the mother told her womanizer son this: "The playboys and playgirls of this world are the loneliest creatures I have ever known. In spite all the love and attention they get, they feel this certain emptiness in their hearts, which can only be filled by truly loving one man or woman. And they don't know how to."

Indeed, no man can serve two masters; and no person can truly love two people at the same time!

I hope this rather lenghtly post makes sense to you.

[moonshadow1234]

The difference is... I did not love the other man. Not at all. I had a crush at first sight, which eventually did not mean anything to me at all. The difference is that I did not have a crush on my boyfriend when I met him. I felt attracted to him and I liked him more every time I saw him. I started loving him for who he was. This was not the case with this other man. I did not know him, I did not have personal interaction with him, I saw him in working context and I had a crush I did not understand, but it was most definitely not love. I can not explain why I had a crush, I can not understand how it could have happened. It is most certainly not so that I kept contact and then fell in love with him, it happened so fast. I also did not do anything with it, and no I would not have left my boyfriend fot it. But I was so confused that I wanted to talk to him about it. I did not have an emotional relationship with the other man, I did not even know the guy. That is what scared me the most. I also did not use this crush to manipulate my boyfriend. I thought he was doing everything fine, I did not need him to show his love more.

I agree that you can not love two persons at one time. But I did not love two persons at the same time. I loved one person, and that was my boyfriend. I am not trying to avoid responsibility, but it is not so that I ''let myself fall in love with him because I was so open to it''. I knew him in working context and it suddenly happened BOOM before I realized it.

Perhaps there was a need that my boyfriend could not give me. I had a lot of stress at the time and I needed to study a lot. He was most of the time at my place and kept showing up all the time. It was a huge distraction to me, but it was not his fault. I was not strong enough to say '''now you should go, really''. I would say it and we would then keep talking and before you know it I had not done anything. I think I just needed a helping hand, someone who told me ''I should go now, we should both study'' and he was making it more difficult to do it. Now I probably sound like I am blaming him for this stupid thing. Well I most certainly am not. It was my own fault, I was not strong enough to say when I wanted and did not want to see him and I let HIM bear the consequences. I felt trapt between what I wanted to do and what I had to do all the time. I wanted to be with him but I needed to be away from him most of the time and he never had anything to do himself so kept hanging at my door.

I am taking responsibility for hurting him so deeply, I wrote him a letter too to apologize again and I think this time it is the most sincere letter ever. But I do also think that sometimes you are being to hard. Having a crush is not slowly falling in love, it can be a sign of stress too and of things that were not right in your relationship. If you do not do anything with these feelings, you can not say that this person has cheated. The contact I had with this man was workrelated, but indeed I should have done anything to avoid having to do tasks with him, which I did not, and that is a reason my boyfriend can not forget what happened. The thing is, you can not tell me I did something really wrong, and he can not either. But having a crush on someone else when there are problems just makes me someone a man does not want to be with. I am just scary, because he will know probably think that every time there are problems between us, it may happen again. I may not do anything with it, and maybe I can not help it. But that just does not make me a girl which makes a man feel ''damn this one I want to marry, she is making me feel so good''.

He is not angry with me anymore, not at all actually, he calls me regularly asking how I am doing, and he does want to see me. But he does not want a relationship right now because he also understands why it all happened. He is now working on his life and starting his activities again and he is now following advice to study, he is planning and he is just really doing something in his life. He told me that he was so in love with me that he forgot everything and I was only thinking of me and only wanted to be with me so he was never doing anything useful. He just could not combine being with me with actually living his life. He is afraid that he can not be happy in a relationship because he just does not DO anything anymore then. So he says it is a problem he has to work on and maybe later we could get back together. Furthermore he is not sure if I am the right one anymore. He says that if we are meant to be together we will end up together. It is all rather vague.

[moonshadow1234]

I never tried to fool my partner. I do know something had to change because how we were living together simply could not go on. It is not so that I used someone else to manipulate my boyfriend and make changes. Come on, if I would have done that, if I would have been thinking like that, then indeed I would not love him a bit. Do you really think I would be doing all this effort now to analyze why our relationship went wrong? It has been months now, if I did not love him, I really would not still be thinking about this every minute of every day. I also do feel that no other man can fill my heart. I am free to do so, but it just is not possible. I do not need anyone else either. I was his completely and he is in my heart every day. I am enjoying life, so I am not saying this because I feel an initial desperation after breaking up. I feel fine, and he is the man I want to be with. I do not mind being alone right now, but I want to get back together one day and grow old together. Sure, I know I am dreaming. We are probably just not the right fit. When someone breaks up with an other person, he surely does not feel that way. I also have not made it possible to make him feel that way by having a crush on someone else, so I will just bear the consequences. I do not think I deserve this pain, however, and he does not think like that either. We are just not right together at this point and a relationship with me is certainly not right for him at this time. Perhaps it never will.

[Yggdrasil]

Moon, simply accept that it's over.

You screwed up. Shit happens.

Learn the hard lesson and don't do it again.

[Bumble_bee]

hindsight's a bitch ain't it? I have read all your posts and I still don't get your motives

a) for telling him you love someone else, and
b) for coming on here to gain hope of something long gone .

Another thing I get from your post is that you have no problems articulating your feelings/thoughts in words, so why didn't you extend that talent with him. Its not just what you say it's how you say it...you seem to overlook the devastating effect it has on someone when the person they love tells them to their face that they love someone else. With all this hindsight, have you once put yourself in his shoes? honestly did you? and if so how did it feel.

you have been advised to take this lesson and learn with all your heart what not to do in future relationships.

I'm not having a go, but man, its like you enjoy banging your head against a brick wall, ...let go....learn, and heal.

[moonshadow1234]

IndiReloaded. I think you are right. Perhaps it was a tactic without realizing it, but this was not a tactic I was having in mind. It was indeed a mistake I had to make in order to never do it again. I would not have said it if I would have understand the consequences for him, yes I did overlook the devastating effect. I am being punished for overlooking this every single day. You do not understand why I come here posting this mess? Because I care and because I want to learn from my mistakes and never do it again and feel bad about it and guilty every day.

You are asking me about the devastating effect of what I said. But do you know the devastating effect of hurting and losing someone you really love on your own terms, because, how STUPID and HURTFUL you have been, you REALLY did not intended to hurt and lose him. I made a mistake in SAYING things, not in DOING things. If I would have cheated on him, I would have known damn good that I was pulling off something really bad, and I would not be here whining about it. It is hard that being so damn STUPID can just make you feel you lost the love of your life. It is hard to cope and it is hard to live with, that you caused it yourself. Have you ever thought about that?

I did not want to use it as a tactic and yes I had to keep it to myself. That is something I have learned now. It is just horrible that one mistake like this can screw up every single good thing I did for him and every good intention I had for him. Okay I ****ed up and I will learn and heal. But I am sorry I have to learn to forgive myself for healing too.