Why can't I get a boyfriend?

[bloodtippedrose]

that would be awesome to see someone from this site in person accidentally! With how many forums there are online and thousands of people from all over the world speaking to one another, id see it as a miracle to be recognized

[GrkScorp]

that would be awesome to see someone from this site in person accidentally! With how many forums there are online and thousands of people from all over the world speaking to one another, id see it as a miracle to be recognized

Well.. I don't have that reserved attitude, then again to be fair.. i'm a guy, so there's less to worry about..

I don't like feeling like i'm a "stalker" as you put it, because I noticed you in a Starbucks.. OoOoOoOo the conspiracy!

As for feeling awkward.. i'm going to Florida on Tuesday, i'm going to get things rolling with Florida-girl.. (someone I haven't even met face-to-face, just over the phone, and online).. and after that 5-day mini-vacation, i'll be back and ready to tackle the new year..

Hmm.. actually, i'm feeling in the mood for bubble tea now.. I have to find some way to take my fingers off of auto-pilot.. yeah.. so if I see you from now until Monday, maybe i'll stop by and say hi.. that's a definite maybe..

I love it when people use that "definite maybe".. I have no idea what they try and convey when they use that..

[undetected]

Guys are the simplest. Don't try too hard getting a boyfriend. Enjoy their company first without a "mission" and things should flow smoothly. Some might even end in love.

Whether you like it or not for both genders - desperation is a turn off.

[wxyz00]

Guys who are looking to get laid after 3-4 dates... are basically just looking for that... and nothing more... fortunately there are a few guys out there who are looking for and willing to invest more. Generally, I find older guys (30ish) tend to be more commitment-prone having outgrown their booze/sex phase... so its probably the guys you hang around.... although personally I find 23 is a bit young for marriage...

[GrkScorp]

Guys who are looking to get laid after 3-4 dates... are basically just looking for that... and nothing more... fortunately there are a few guys out there who are looking for and willing to invest more.

Really?

That's an interesting take on the matter.. I do full-close on the 2nd to 4th date all the time.. and after that.. guess what!?!?? I call back, we go on other dates, we engage in domestic couples activities, romantic activities, go on vacations, go on trips, in the heat of all those emotions we both go out of our way for eachother, get meaningful gifts, more & better sex, etc..

So an hourly/daily/monthy time-frame on "how long before you put out" is really a sad mentality to have in mind.. ESPECIALY when things just lead up naturally, and it feels like the right thing to do for both people..

Honestly, if it's my fault, and i'm lazy, or i'm doing the wrong things, and by the 4th date nothing happens.. that's simply my fault.. but if i'm not being lazy, and she's crazy over me, and i've established all the comfort in the world, and there's a cloud of tension so thick you need a knife to cut it.. and she's being held back by some junior high school girly belief.. (you can't have sex too early because he won't take you seriously, if you have sex too early that's all he wants, you need to wait at least 3 months nobody knows why but it sounds good enough so why not).. well then if that's the case.. the 4th date is our last date..

Why? Not because that's the only thing I (and other men) care about.. I could care less about it physically, I have RE, I can't feel sh*t down there.. but it's a new level of trust & comfort.. the relationship goes on a totally different level after sex.. and guess what.. there's a wealth of women who will jump on that boat after the 2nd date.. in fact, they're more common then the women who won't.. so it simply doesn't make sense to stay with someone who hasn't mentally grown up yet to realize that there's no logic to this childhood belief..

In fact, if you want to look at the other side of things.. you get desperate guys who find women who read "How to get him to say "yes" to marriage in 6 months" books.. stick around for 3-6 months, have sex.. then capitalize on their investment for about 5-30 more sexual encounters with the same woman.. and then leave..

Setting the right intensity of attraction, level of comfort, and sexual tension is all up to the guy.. following her intuition and emotions is up to the girl.. if that's simply going to have the breaks slammed on it by a false sense of logic in the back of her mind telling her to wait for no rational reason.. then the guy shouldn't really bother.. because guess what.. NOBODY is that special initially.. before he gets to know you, you're simply not worth it.. and you don't get to know the real person (on an intimate level) until after you cross the "sex" mark on a relationship.. after sex, people's true colors come out..

[NeoSeminole]

to the OP, you are probably ugly or not fun to be around.

[GrkScorp]

to the OP, you are probably ugly or not fun to be around.

LMAO! that's so mean.. but so hilarious at the same time..

[wxyz00]

So an hourly/daily/monthy time-frame on "how long before you put out" is really a sad mentality to have in mind.. ESPECIALY when things just lead up naturally, and it feels like the right thing to do for both people..

Exactly... I'm glad we are on the same page here...

so next time may be you should think twice before using numbers like 3-4 dates or you duck....

also i may add there is NO set formula for obtaining a committed and happy long-term relationship .... but there are many SET formula's and techniques on how to obtain how many.. how fast..

and i'm especially glad that you've researched enough to know that most women put out after 2 dates which means you will never be in a shortage of prospective partners cause we know you close the deal at date 4...

and lastly, the context of the quotation is specifically for longterm relationships and/or marriage.... not the whimsical fickle "dating/flings" we entertain for reasons best known to each...

[GrkScorp]

Exactly... I'm glad we are on the same page here...

so next time may be you should think twice before using numbers like 3-4 dates or you duck....

also i may add there is NO set formula for obtaining a committed and happy long-term relationship .... but there are many SET formula's and techniques on how to obtain how many.. how fast..

and i'm especially glad that you've researched enough to know that most women put out after 2 dates which means you will never be in a shortage of prospective partners cause we know you close the deal at date 4...

and lastly, the context of the quotation is specifically for longterm relationships and/or marriage.... not the whimsical fickle "dating/flings" we entertain for reasons best known to each...

Hey.. look.. I don't have a cut-off.. but by date#2, i've more than done my part to set up a great mood, sense of comfort & trust, and sexual tension.. it's not rushing.. it's just the way things happen.. it's natural.. and if I sense an irrational resistance of some kind, I typically feed it more comfort.. but after feeding it more comfort & sexual tension, I see that there's still an irrational resistance in place, then there's simply no point in going any further with this person.. if it's a person who has these arcane mentalities in place, let someone else deal with it..

As far as the implication that these "flings" aren't as satisfying.. i'll tell you this.. I love all my exes.. and i'm great friends with most of them.. even the women that i've had "flings" with are still great friends for the most part.. and the emotional pleasure and investment is still there.. and it's just as strong..

If you find a great person.. obviously the dumbest thing to do is to let them go.. but just under that dumb scale is to pointlessly wait to enjoy that person fully.. and the truth is that after sex, the emotional connection just explodes into this powerful force.. I simply can't articulate it.. it's something you can just feel..

O.K. I could understand why it would bother someone to look at it from a woman's POV.. as a guy, these women are "uncommon" at worst, but in no case "rare".. as a girl.. finding a quality guy is pretty much "rare".. so when you find one.. you obviously don't want to let him go (and are more willing to tolerate with his crap; instead of go looking for an other rare-quality guy).. and looking at it from this light.. I can see why i'm (less willing to tolerate with her crap; whoever "her" happens to be)..

If things end after 2-3 weeks.. fine, the guy could care less no matter how great things were (as long as the costs of staying exceeded the benefits).. but I could also see how the girl would have the raw end of the deal.. so what can I tell you?

Well.. for one, cut out the crap.. lol.. all jokes aside.. if you feel you found that one special guy, keep your mouth in check and try and keep all the annoying petty-drama under control.. if you need to vent, there are four walls, pick one.. don't feel like talking to a wall? Call up a friend and vent; cause drama to someone ELSE, other than him.. if you need his support, ask for a hug.. don't throw a sh*t-storm his way because other things are going wrong in your life.. that's just disrespectful & insensitive any way you look at it..

Lastly; "it's more important for a man to find someone he can love; and it's more important for a woman to find someone who loves her".. translation? It's actually more important that he finds some powerful reason to love you, rather than feel that you love him.. alternatively, it's more important that you feel loved by him, than for you to love him.. (this does not mean that the latter in either case will not occur).. When the first thing happens, the second thing follows.. if he broke up with you.. go back to this formula and realize where things went wrong.. it's usually a result of (from his POV) the costs of the relationship exceeded the benefits.. (if you absolutely can't reduce the costs (negatives), then you must find some way to increase the benefits (positives))

All of this is common sense.. this isn't anything new or profound.. and you obviously know all this.. I mean.. wouldn't you rather just realize it's not goint to work out after day 4; or do you really want to wait 3 months before you realize this isn't right?

[Illusional]

forget what everyone else is saying because i'm getting the feeling that it "IS" you. you're too hung up on dating and getting married that you're probably driving these guys away. maybe you come off too strong in the beginning and guys don't really liked to be pushed so hard. maybe you talk about having kids with them after a couple of weeks, i dunno. but if you are seeing a pattern here, you might want to look in the mirror.

raverboy

[GrkScorp]

forget what everyone else is saying because i'm getting the feeling that it "IS" you. you're too hung up on dating and getting married that you're probably driving these guys away. maybe you come off too strong in the beginning and guys don't really liked to be pushed so hard. maybe you talk about having kids with them after a couple of weeks, i dunno. but if you are seeing a pattern here, you might want to look in the mirror.

raverboy

I agree with that..

your state of mind could be speaking for itself..

If you have it on your mind, and "marriage, family, husband, wife, children, kids, etc.." come up in a conversation, how do you react? do you react like a woman who has something on her mind?

In fact, a nice little test that guys start running (yes, that's right, guys grow up, and guys run tests) is the:

- I don't know if i'm ready to settle down yet.

Your reaction to this tells him all he needs to know about your intentions and what's on your mind.. You probably fail miserably.. your face probably gets upset, your voice might even show signs of sulking or anger & frustration.. and this is clearly unattractive..

Think of it like a guy trying to get into your pants.. the same way that's a deal-breaker and makes you want to run for the hills.. that's the same way it goes for guys when it comes to marriage..

Don't worry though, it's a very easy thing to get out of.. just change your state of mind.. it's not a race, it may feel like it, but it's not a race.. relax..

Just don't think about marriage; take one step at a time.. meeting, conversation, connection, etc.. and marriage will eventually happen.. don't let it be on your mind.. if you take away your focus from "marriage" and instead focus on "connection" with a guy you meet.. the feelings you both feel for eachother will be more genuine and powerful.. and guess what, that's a powerful motivator for marriage to naturally follow..

I can't believe i'm giving you tips on how to get a guy to marry you.. that's like women giving guys tips on how to get into other women's pants.. this stuff just doesn't happen.. this forum is unreal..

[Illusional]

^^^^ yes yes, i know that i rarely give advice, but when i give advice.. you'd better damn well listen because my shit is always gooooooooooooooood.

raverboy

[thuthy]

You probably not wanting to hear this and maybe i am far off the mark here but i think you are just meeting the wrong ones who dont have the same intentions as you.

You have to meet all the wrong ones to get to "mr right" if there is such thing!

[GrkScorp]

You have to meet all the wrong ones to get to "mr right" if there is such thing!

That's actually also true.. very good point!

I tell my guy friends "there's no such thing as a girl who doesn't want you to get into pants; given that you have that natural connection"

"Similarly" (but not identically!) I tell my girl friends "you're not the only one who wants to get married, guys want to get married too! given, you both need to feel that natural connection first and a sense that it's mutual"

Guy really DO want to get married.. it's not just an exclusively female fantasy.. I'm 23, and I think about it more often than I think about sex.. (and I think about sex quite often; that's right, i'm not going to deny my male desires for sex.. but i'm also not going to deny my male fantasies for marriage either).. now, relax.. i'm not saying this because I want to marry you.. don't get any ideas.. I just offered it as an example.. guys want to find that right person to get married to also..

And, you really DO have to go through a bunch of Mr. Wrongs, before you find a Mr. Right.. (and just because you find him, doesn't mean he'll marry you)..

Mr. Wrong (I actually know someone by the name of Henry Rong, anyway):

- He's not financially ready yet
- He's not psychologically ready yet.. (mature enough; either give him some more time, or "if you're in a hurry" leave and look elsewhere)
- He's not emotionally ready yet (you can't change this, this has nothing to do with you; MAJOR EXCEPTION: divorced guys "they need reassurance and a sense of trust")
- He's not romantically ready yet (you still have some work to do on a mutual connection)

Mr. Right:

- Although he's also looking to get married; and although the two of you are dating/in a relationship; the fact that he hasn't proposed to you yet tells you something..
- He's qualifying & testing you constantly.. Men have major fears when it comes to marriage..

1. he wants to make sure you're the right person, and he's not stuck with the wrong person for the rest of his life (contrary to the feminist mysandry stereotype; guys are actually pretty loyal with respect to the opposite sex) so most guys go into marriage without having any intention of a (plan B) "divorce".. so as far as they are concered, they only have one shot to make it right..
2. he wants to test your loyalty (hence, the powerful weapon women use against eachother "SLUT").. if he feels that you are not loyal, and will cheat on him or leave him, then this goes without saying that it's an obvious deal-breaker..
3. he actually wants to see that you would make a good mother.. for obvious reasons, although men like children and are also family oriented; primal instincts still make him feel the urge to find a good mother "to take care of and raise the children while he is hunting/at war/etc"
4. he wants to feel (not be told) that there is a mutual bond between the two of you, and that your marriage intentions are genuine and not out of pure self-interest.. (nobody likes feeling used; again, there are exceptions.. cough cough.. Donald Trump.. cough cough..).. THIS ONE IS ACTUALLY HUGE! In fact, it's such a big motivator in "proposing".. Think about the natual guy-safety-mechanism (what if she'll say no?).. this fear is the result of more than 8,000 of evolution & social programming.. men are actually unaware that this is a primative subconscious TEST which acts as a last defence towards making sure the person you're going to marry shares a powerful "mutual pair bond".. ALSO! the fear is also caused by fear of "failure to replicate".. when people used to live in tribes; a rejection by ONE family, usually ment a rejection by ALL families.. which ment that your male genes would die with you and not pass on & survive.. (this isn't the case today, and this fear is irrational.. if one woman says "no"; there are millions of others which will say "yes".. but the fear still exists, because that last 200-500 years is nothing in the face of the 7,500+ years before that..)

Thinking deeply about it.. those are the only tests i'm able to feel at the moment when I get in touch with myself in respect to the topic of marriage.. but then again; i'm only 23.. so i'm sure as I get older.. there are many more tests that i'll start to become more aware of.. and i'm sure a lot more elaborate/complex tests exist.. but being the case that I can already feel these 4 from this age should tell you something about the importance (and dominance) of these tests & fears that men have..

I hope this helps.. best of luck!

[v0ndutch]

Grk, I read a couple of your posts, actually I read alot of your posts, and don't take this the wrong way, but after all i've read, I don't want to meet you anymore

At first I thought you hated women, you have a ton of almost algorithm like strategies on how to attract women. Then I read your posts on how to get through guys' barriers and get them to marry you. Basically you feel that all interactions are games for control and power between people. You don't discriminate, which actually makes you more dangerous. Life isn't one big board room or a negotiation table or some courtroom.

People just want to relax and talk, not everyone plays games with people. I'm sure for your age you're probably more aware of things socially than most guys, but you take it too far. You're missing out on life. I feel sorry for you. You must feel very empty inside, trying to help others to feel the joys from life you've desensitized yourself from. Do you even enjoy your interactions with people, or is it all about some game and strategy with everyone?