When Friendship ends

[ecojeanne]

i say crazy things when i'm drunk. i've been known to shock a few people and then i die of embarrassment the next day *cringe*

[misombra]

Misombra. In this situation, I would be you, and she would be your friend. Except that the bond that was established before I was old enough to understand what was happening. That is hard to break free from.

well what you did was not the correct solution. you were in her seat that night. demanding she sit next to you? grabbing her to try to get her keys?? throwing a fit outside when she wouldn't do what you wanted?????

i've gotten hella drunk lots of times and have never tried anything like that. and if somebody tried it with me i'd probably punch them.

what you did was stupid and wrong and you should probably realize it. even if your friendship isn't the same or is lost, you probably shouldn't do that with other people, lest you look like a complete psycho.

your friend is not here to give her side and we don't know her. i only hear about what you are doing.

[1averagejoe]

i say crazy things when i'm drunk. i've been known to shock a few people and then i die of embarrassment the next day *cringe*

It could be worse...I ended up in some girls shorts, tube top, and bra.

Literally, as in wearing them. lol

[Rollerderby]

[url]http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm[/url]

[url]http://mental-health.families.com/blog/dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-manipulator-1[/url]

[url]http://mental-health.families.com/blog/dealing-with-a-passive-aggressive-manipulator-2[/url]

[url]http://passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html[/url]

If you have not read these in depth, please do before continuing to comment. These are scarily accurate of our relationship together and her as an individual. The only reason why I shouldn't have reacted the way I did, was because it played into these games. But if she wasn't playing them, I wouldn't have needed to react. If I had read these, before the other night, I might have known better. But then again, that's 20/20 hindsight.

[Rollerderby]

well what you did was not the correct solution. you were in her seat that night. demanding she sit next to you? grabbing her to try to get her keys?? throwing a fit outside when she wouldn't do what you wanted?????

i've gotten hella drunk lots of times and have never tried anything like that. and if somebody tried it with me i'd probably punch them.

what you did was stupid and wrong and you should probably realize it. even if your friendship isn't the same or is lost, you probably shouldn't do that with other people, lest you look like a complete psycho.

your friend is not here to give her side and we don't know her. i only hear about what you are doing.

Misombra, please read the links. This is a difficult situation to explain to someone who was not there. Perhaps your mental image of what went down is more exaggerated than what happened. I don't know. You're reading it wrong.

[misombra]

if it's that bad then nobody is forcing you to be friends with her.

and i don't want to read all that jargon before posting. and you can't make me.

[IndiReloaded]

It just basically says her friend is passive aggressive. Its a standard psych label that offers little by way of solution.

[misombra]

Misombra, please read the links. This is a difficult situation to explain to someone who was not there. Perhaps your mental image of what went down is more exaggerated than what happened. I don't know. You're reading it wrong.

you sound pretty controlling yourself.

[Rollerderby]

There's a difference between have had a few drinks and drunk. And there's a difference between drama and problems in a relationship. If you haven't had a relationship with someone on this level, you can't know what I'm talking about.

I didn't engage her. I tried to disengage her from her argument after she kept trying to get me involved in it, and get her to come sit by me. The thing that some of you guys don't seem to understand are the controls she has set on our relationship since we were children. I'm expected to be this and do that, and she is exempt.

I can agree that drinking never helps anything. But there is a difference between a dumb drunken fight, and one that opens up the true feelings of a person in their sober state. This is a little different.

I agree. I'm not saying drinking is the best and brightest place to have these discussions. But a drunk mind speaks a sober heart. I was expressing my heart and she could not handle that and turned away from me. What I'm trying to express is there is a difference between being hammered and buzzed. I know I was at least in the latter category. I took her keys because I didn't know which category she was in.

I'm not a perfect person. But when I get angry, I have learned to show my anger. It's healthy to express it in a non-violent way. Anger is not something that can be bottled up. Sure, I would have much preferred to have this conversation sober, but in someways, that was an impossibility. I say that because any time I ever try to have a conversation with her, about how she makes me feel, somehow, it gets flipped back onto me. Somehow, we end up discussing me, and how much I fail in life, as opposed to what she can do to recognize her own dealings with me. Somehow, I always walk away feeling more like shit and confused wondering how the hell it happened again? How the hell, was I convinced again, that I'm always at fault? Because we can't discuss her. She took my telling her to stop as a sign that I was on her boyfriends side in front of him. That wasn't my motive. I was peace-making, as I have done for years with her! It's not healthy, but it's a cycle that I have become aware of.

I am not recommending that everyone go around yelling at everyone else. I am not saying you should go into the workplace and start yelling at people. You're going to stand there and tell me you never got into a screaming match with your mother or father or siblings? Sure, it's not pretty, but it's also life. This is also not a regular occurance. This is not daily drama, for the sake of drama. Some people only know how to communicate by yelling. That's not me. This was a bizarre occasion that happened. Like a blue moon. I am usually very rational and calm with acquaintences, but when you get into any relationship deep enough with someone that you feel primal emotions: love, anger, passion, rational doesn't always work.

This is an occassion where my emotions should not have scared her off. There are some bonds that are stronger than an emotional outburst. But apparently, not this one. I needed to know that. I needed to know how far I could throw her. Eco, you are right, I am still mad. I did come here to vent. I hope no one mistakes that for a personal attack. There is a difference between saying "You are my problem, I hate you," and "There is a problem, I am angry, we need to have it out." Because, there is a problem with the relationship.

I can't hate her for having her own problems. But it sucks a lot that her problems have been mirrored onto me for years. And only now is it coming to light. Process that, and tell me that you won't have an emotional outburst. Especially when these things come at times you were not prepared for them.

Okay, Indi, I'll respond to you first. These bolded parts are where I see myself accepting responsibility. I never said anywhere I was blameless. But unfortunately, it's part of a larger game. One that until very recently, I was not aware I was playing.

Misombra, no I can't make you read the links. I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. But, if you are going to try to comment on my life in this thread, I would hope you would take the time to look and see what I'm talking about. You see, it's in the subtly of her words actions, that are so small, that I'm the one left standing here analyzing myself as to what the **** is going on? I have no problem accepting what I do and don't do. I have no problem apologizing for anything if it will make the situation better.

This is different. My apology right now will only further the cycle.


Edit: and when did I say anyone was forcing me to be friends with her? I came here to vent, to get my frustrations out. Why the hell are you getting your panties in a knot? From where I am, it doesn't seem like you are taking much time to understand this from all sides. Looking at it on surface value isn't doing much good.

[ecojeanne]

i reckon you're reading too much of that pop psyc mumbo jumbo

[misombra]

lol.

you're crazy.

[Rollerderby]

I think you are showing signs of passive-aggressive behavior.

[ecojeanne]

lol, soon enough all your friends will be passive aggressive, seriously, stop reading that shit

[Rollerderby]

LOL, well I was kidding with misombra.

The point is that it's really easy to judge a situation when you are on the outside.

[Mish]

You're going to stand there and tell me you never got into a screaming match with your mother or father or siblings?

Not for the last 8 years at least, since I learnt more productive ways to express myself.

When I dealt with my ex-boyfriend after years of shit (I'm not going into details right now, so please don't ask) and while I was pissed, and had never let it out, he stood there and accepted what I had to say, and the discussion did not escalate.

Do you think it might have been healthier to communicate to him your frustrations as they happened instead of building them up and releasing them all in one go?