Friend and another friend's ex

[Mish]

wow 27 huh? we are of the same age.

raverboy

Awesome


Hey, it's my 2,000th post woo

[IndiReloaded]

Mish, did anyone suggest you simply tell this guy, once, what you think of the whole situation? You're a sauve fellow, so I'm sure you could do it in an inoffensive way.

As for the girl, if you care, perhaps you could also let her know what it going on. If you don't, then just put it down to karma & her lesson to learn & try to let it go. In ten years, how will any of this matter?

[Mish]

Mish, did anyone suggest you simply tell this guy, once, what you think of the whole situation? You're a sauve fellow, so I'm sure you could do it in an inoffensive way.

Already done that. Its not getting through

As for the girl, if you care, perhaps you could also let her know what it going on. If you don't, then just put it down to karma & her lesson to learn & try to let it go. In ten years, how will any of this matter?

In ten years i won't, it matters now though.

Well, we'll wait and see

[FoxyLaydee]

I wouldn't sleep with my friends' ex-es but then again, this isn't about me. So I would say, go ahead with it and live with the consequences. If his friendship with the guy matters (esp if he knew the guy first and for years), he would know what's the right thing to do. JMO.

[IndiReloaded]

I don't think there's anything wrong with getting together w/someone's ex if they are really into that person. This absolute ban on dating ex's is silly. Imagine some guy develops a 'thing' for a buddy's GF & basically waits until they breakup to make his move. Happens. We get those posts all the time here & the advice is always to wait and try to be respectful of everyone's feelings.

But in such a case, I would think its respectful for the second guy to have a talk with his friend & make sure there are no lingering feelings for the girl. Esp if she dumped him. Best situation is where the old BF is now happily seeing someone else & he has no interest in his old GF.

In this case Mish, it sounds like your friend is simply into getting some easy sex from this gal. He's not really that far into her (sorry). In which case, you are right, he should just let this fish go. Not worth it when there are so many tangle-free girls out there to be had. Foolish, really, but ultimately not your problem.

How is it that young ppl can be 'mature' enough for sex but so immature that they can't talk about such things with their friends? Makes no sense to me at all.

[Mish]

I don't think there's anything wrong with getting together w/someone's ex if they are really into that person. This absolute ban on dating ex's is silly. Imagine some guy develops a 'thing' for a buddy's GF & basically waits until they breakup to make his move. Happens. We get those posts all the time here & the advice is always to wait and try to be respectful of everyone's feelings.

I think friends shouldn't be developing "thing's" on their friend's gfs to begin with, like they shouldn't develop things for their parents. If they do and can't control themselves then they can't be trusted in the group. This is why things like that are ussually permanent friendship breakers between friends.

In this case Mish, it sounds like your friend is simply into getting some easy sex from this gal. He's not really that far into her (sorry). In which case, you are right, he should just let this fish go. Not worth it when there are so many tangle-free girls out there to be had. Foolish, really, but ultimately not your problem.

Agreed

Unfortunately he's also my room mate, thus it affects me. Haven't seen my other friend since this two had been at it. I think it's really silly what happened.


The girl has moved to our place now by the way. She's living with us. My friend said this is temporary, but somehow I don't think he told her that. She's not paying rent and just being annoying. Though watching them interact is funny. She follows him around like a puppy and thinks his farts are hilarious. Never seen somebody under such a complete subjucation of another person before. I think one of the main reasons he's with her is because he has complete control over her and he wants to see to what limits he can push his personal slave. They make a lot of noise, screaming, jumping, putting volme up to the max. I sometimes feel uncomfortable bringing my gf around when these two are in the house. They turn the place into a zoo.

[misombra]

holy crap mish that sounds miserable.

i wouldn't worry about it though. my crystal ball says they will hate each other. i mean HATE each other in......... i'd say........... 3 or 4 months.

all you have to do is encourage them to spend as much time together as possible.

[IndiReloaded]

The girl has moved to our place now by the way. She's living with us. My friend said this is temporary, but somehow I don't think he told her that. She's not paying rent and just being annoying.

This is something that, if it keeps up, you need to have a meeting about with your housemates. I don't think this is fair. Its one thing to have someone over to visit, another thing entirely to have them there 24/7. Is she eating your food? Using your facilities (e.g. shower & laundry)? If so, she needs to apply to be a housemate. Which, obviously, you wouldn't agree to.

I'd nip this in the bud asap. Have him tell all of you *exactly* how long this will be for. If he won't commit, or that date passes, then you would be well within your rights to tell her she needs to apply for a room. If there aren't any available, you might need to ask him to move out. Or you do the same.

Good luck with this.

[Mish]

This is something that, if it keeps up, you need to have a meeting about with your housemates. I don't think this is fair. Its one thing to have someone over to visit, another thing entirely to have them there 24/7. Is she eating your food? Using your facilities (e.g. shower & laundry)? If so, she needs to apply to be a housemate. Which, obviously, you wouldn't agree to.

Yeh she's using our facilities. She mainly eats the food she buys herself. He said she'll be there no more than a month until she finds another place. It's already been two weeks and I don't see her looking for a new place. In another two weeks if she's still there I'll have a chat to my friend. I suspect he'll try to weasel out of it.

I'd nip this in the bud asap. Have him tell all of you *exactly* how long this will be for. If he won't commit, or that date passes, then you would be well within your rights to tell her she needs to apply for a room. If there aren't any available, you might need to ask him to move out. Or you do the same.

Good luck with this.

Definetly. I've already been nipping this in the bud so to speak. Though at the same time I don't want to take extreme measures. I don't want to move out because it's a lot cheaper to live with two other friends and apart from this girl things are good on all other fronts. I'd rather find some other solution to this. I'll keep on trying.

What makes it more complicated is that I also feel sorry for her. She's one of those people with a complicated past and a tough life (something my friend is no doubt taking advantage of). She's trustworthy, she wouldn't do anything bad as well. Forcing her to move out or focring her to look for a new place is something I haven't gotten through my system yet. I think my friend should be made to take responsibility for her and her stay.

[misombra]

newsflash: she's not going to move out in two weeks.

[IndiReloaded]

Yeh she's using our facilities. She mainly eats the food she buys herself. He said she'll be there no more than a month until she finds another place.

In the meantime, then, she needs to make a financial contribution to the household. She is living there, so she must contribute something. Something you all agree is fair (not her--you & your housemates).

That will encourage her to find something quickly & it will make all of you at least feel that she is appreciating the fact that you are tolerating the inconvenience. Which it is.

God, some ppls children...

PS - not saying to be cruel to her, naturally there are issues which is why she is there. I imagine you'll find a balance b/t setting some boundaries & being compassionate. Just remember tho, some ppl will take as much as they can & not care if they are desperate. Which is not fundamentally your problem.

[Only-virgins]

Would it really be all that hard for him to find someone else to fool around with?

This task is nearly impossible if you live in Illinois. Assuming we have any sort of standard and want quality in this "fooling around"

Thoughts?

Nope, happened to me. The two guys are now not friends. I couldn't care less.

[Mish]

Well, for those who're interested these two are still going at it and it's getting even more annoying.

For those who don't know, I moved out from the shared accommodation I had with my friend more than a year ago. Her using our facilities rent free while complaining about pretty much everything being one of the main reasons. Now they've taken out a unit together and have lived together for more than a year as well.

New revelations have come about. They're having money problems. (surprise, surprise). Basically this is how it works. She moved in to our house after the first two months of seeing him for financial reasons. (so she doesn't have to pay rent) She continues living with him for the same reasons only now she's asking him to fork out for her business as well (a beautician, make up business that doesn't make any money due to few customers, which is only costing her in rent, but she keeps it as an excuse for not working). He tells her, he can't afford it because he doesn't have any money. She tells him she can't afford it because she doesn't have any money either. He tells her, why don't you make so money. She tells him she will, sometime. But for now, how about he cuts his spending so he can afford to help her? He says he can't. She says, "I'll identify and tell you which things for you to cut on so you can help me". Now she's become his "money manager / de-facto adviser" advising him which people to see and which not to in order to "save money". What I'm seeing more clearly now is she's a parasite feeding off of him and he's too lazy and too weak to do anything about it (so in a way, it serves him right). Every time I see them this dysfunctional dynamic is becoming more and more obvious and I'm having serious thoughts of cutting contact with them. What makes it harder is I've known this guy for 15 years. Never thought he'd sink this low.


I keep on remembering that saying "How relationships start is how they will go". This relationship of theirs started rotten from the get go and looks like it's been getting more rotten ever since.

[misombra]

that's crazy. no reason to cut it off. it's his life not yours, thankfully. just don't put too much of your energy into it. you don't live with him anymore and that's terrific.