Please help me get her back!

[Mish]

Mish, you may be right, but you are putting a value judgement on this situation that only the OP understands.

Perhaps YOU couldn't forgive her affair (I couldn't either) but he may be able to given the right conditions. Marriages do survive affairs.

If there wasn't a child involved I would suggest immediate break. But there is a child & therefore I recommend counselling. A good counsellor will be important to help maintain good relations & communication even if they split.

To the OP: I know its easy to be distracted by things like sex, but you need to be thinking bigger picture right now. Counselling is really in order & don't entangle yourself further with her until some ground rules are set. Which should, at minimum, require her to break all contact with this other guy if she wants to work at a reconcilation. Don't settle for less.

Also, you have a child to think of. Consider that, if you sleep w/her, you are also sleeping with whatever this other guy has potentially given her. Are you ready for that? Don't delude yourself, it happens a lot.

Check out that site & get counselling. Get your emotions under control, best thing you can do right now for everyone. Good luck.

But what can you do if the other party is just not interested? (In counseling or in working things out) It looks like she thinks she can do whatever she wants because she has control over OP, she can pull his strings and get her way (Probably have an affair and at the same time know that the door is always open for her to come back). In this situation no amount of counselling and good will help.

The only thing that will help is a firm action. A firm action that shows she's made her decision, now the course will change regardless of whether she likes it or not. She has no control now, no power to manipulate the situation to her will. I believe this is the only way there is a chance she will come back. Once she realizes she has no control she will rethink the entire situation. And if she doesn't then good riddance for both OP and his son (who's approaching adult years). If her mind is so dead set on this other guy, then they will do much better without the drama of a love triangle.

But you're right, this is just my opinion. It's not even about forgiveness for me, it's just practicality.

[Down not Out]

Thanks for the sound advice guys, I appreciate it and hear where you are coming from. I am trying to do what is best for my son, and at the moment that feels like having is mom home and for us to try and work things out. I know that it may never be the same again and it may not work but I'm finding it hard just to give up on my family over this. As I said she is visiting tonight, I have made up a separation agreement which may start to bring some closure. I will enquire about some counciling for my son and I, I have already asked my wife if she would be prepared to go too but she has declined. I'll update later on, probably for more advice!!!

[Gigabitch]

I don't think she's done with him at all. She's very conflicted and going through a crisis.

I have to say that like Mish I wouldn't be able to forgive an affair, but if the OP can, more power to him. Drawing up an agreement is just a way of making it real for her, showing her that she does, indeed, have something to lose here.

I still think she's going to come back.

[Down not Out]

Right guys, I think I may need to don a hard hat and flack jacket after what has happened this evening! The other half came around on time and I was just finishing cooking diner that I had offered to do as a good will/calming gesture so that the fireworks didn't fly. Whilst I was cooking she was staring and smiling at me, rubbing my arm and brushing her hands across my hips, she then kissed me full on which (after a little time!) I pulled away from saying that it would not be good for my head! We ate and cleared up then went through to the lounge. I did not bang on about how much I loved her etc. etc. we just talked a little. She did break down and said that when she was here with me everything seems so right and felt so good and that when she isn't here she's thinking of me. She then said how messed up she felt because of her feelings for two men were not the same but they do conflict(?) Despite asking her to stay again she declined and said she couldn't. After a little more talking we duly went to bed and made love!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (messages, incoming!) I lay there somewhat aghast after what had happened. I almost couldn't recognise this person in front of me. I suggested that she had done so out of pity (although it certainly didn't feel like it) to which she strenuiously denied. She said she did it because it felt right and I made her feel like no one else could, and that something so wrong felt so right. With that we kissed and she departed, asking when she could next come around!!!! Now, with everything else aside I am really concerned with my wifes mental state of mind or is this a common occurence? I cannot see how she can go off with this other guy and then just over a week later sleep with me? Is she hoping/wanting to get found out so that he dumps her so she doesn't have to deal with the guilt of leaving him? I am pretty sure that this may happen again if I allow it, her final words were "he doesn't make me feel like you make me feel"!

[Down not Out]

Oh I forgot to add that she deferred sorting out the separation agreement until our next meeting!

[twisted]

i know it's hard, but i think if i were in your position i would definitely say that she can't have both the cakes!!!!!!!!!1 she either gets her act together and comes home or she stays with the other guy. she's messing with your head and i think it is SO unfair. i know it must be hard. does she want multiple partners and for you to be ok with it or something???

[Mish]

Oh I forgot to add that she deferred sorting out the separation agreement until our next meeting!

I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like she's using you. What stops her from having both you and him? It sounds like she can if she wants to and she wants to and you are allowing this to happen.

If I were you I would get my lawyer involved and get the seperatation agreement formally finalised. I would look for all clauses for full custody of the kid (since it doesn't look like she has the capacity to look after the kid in her current state) and if achievable get as far away from her as posible while she makes up her mind.

[misombra]

i think she'll be back.

after 17 years she's probably wondering what she missed out on. if the relationship between you two is so great, then nothing else will compare. time will tell.

some people need to run free sometimes like horses. but true love is hard to find.

i say just give it some time. she'll come back.

[Gigabitch]

Wow. She's cheating on her boyfriend with her husband. Beat that. What do you think would happen if the boyfriend found out she'd been boinking her husband behind his back?

I don't think she has any reason to delay finalization of papers beyond the fact that she doesn't really want to get divorced.

I am worried about her mental state too, Down not Out. I'm concerned that she's heading for a breakdown.

[vashti]

As a long time married woman with kids, I agree with those who have suggested counseling. She doesn't sound finished at all, but rather very emotionally unstable. If you think you could get past this in your own mind, reconciliation would probably be the best course for your kid (assuming she doesn't have a history of such unstabe behavior). I think this situation won't last much longer, one way or the other, and I think if there is no resolution in a couple of weeks, you should put your foot down.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like she's using you. What stops her from having both you and him? It sounds like she can if she wants to and she wants to and you are allowing this to happen.

i think she'll be back.

I don't think she has any reason to delay finalization of papers beyond the fact that she doesn't really want to get divorced.

I am worried about her mental state too, Down not Out. I'm concerned that she's heading for a breakdown.

She doesn't sound finished at all, but rather very emotionally unstable. If you think you could get past this in your own mind, reconciliation would probably be the best course for your kid (assuming she doesn't have a history of such unstabe behavior). I think this situation won't last much longer, one way or the other, and I think if there is no resolution in a couple of weeks, you should put your foot down.

I agree w/all of this^.

OP: Like Vash, I'm also married a looooong time. Not that its an excuse for her actions, but is it possible that she's going thru some kind of menopause psychosis (not a formal term, lol). I've known women to go nuts during this time.

Either way, you need to put your foot down for your son's sake. Teenagers need stable homes, its a tough time for them.

The guy is an ass. We all agree w/you. If he had any class, and actually truly cared for your wife he wouldn't be going about things this way. You might tell her that.

I am so, so sorry you are going thru all this.

[IndiReloaded]

Wow. She's cheating on her boyfriend with her husband. Beat that. What do you think would happen if the boyfriend found out she'd been boinking her husband behind his back?

Who gives a crap about HIM, lol? But, ya maybe he should tell the guy he's been sleeping with his wife again. And she says he's better, lol.

[Michael6084]

I really hope the best for you because what you are going through seems to be a hell on earth. I have no idea how to help because, after all, I'm 19 and not even close to marriage.

[Down not Out]

So heres the deal guys, I spend all day fretting about what I should or should not do, I feel trapped by my own weakness and the fear of being alone. I make a decision and I am absolutely bricking it! I txt my wife and say I'm sorry, its over. I go down to HIS wife and tell her that I have slept with my wife which basically means she's already cheated on him and hoped that would bring her some satisfaction(they're getting divorced over this). She doesn't beleive me! So much for empowering the women! The only satisfaction I now have is that he who stole my wife away from me, has had done back at him. I thought it may bring some sense of relief. It hasn't. Its just manifestered into regret and emptiness- how ****ed up is this whole situation! Be rest assured my son has been wrapped up with his Xbox live through out the whole proceedings. I feel gutted. I am at such a loss at what to do, we've been together since we were 21 and I am now forty. I know I have to get passed this but I cannot see the light, not even a dim glow at the end of a very long tunnel. As much as I fence off my grief to save my son the trauma of me being upset, the more it knaws away in the pit of my stomache, this is one of the most awful feelings ever.

[vashti]

Pretending you aren't upset about this won't help your son. It would be better to admit that you are crushed (that might allow him the opportunity to admit the same). Then you can assure him that you love him, and you will get through this together.

DON'T make your son your confidant, though. It's not his job. And hard as it might be eventually, don't say anything bad about his mother. He will figure it out on his own.