what to do about my gf who is texting her ex's..

[Primo]

When something's getting away from us, it's our instinct to always try harder bro, it's human nature...there's a great upside to that, but in affairs of the heart alot of times it makes things worse :-P

I just have the feeling the tighter you squeeze her, the more apt she's going to slip through the cracks on this one. How do you think she'd react if she found out you're monitoring her cell phone bill? She might walk out the door right? Just food for thought on the reality of the situation.

Cutting someone loose to see if they really want you and will come back no strings attached is a tough assignment for anyone, but alot of times it's best.

[Primo]

I want to admit something because it might change your opinions

Well it would've made me type what I did in the last reply bold in all caps, that's about it

It's a bad situation for you historically and presently Worries, let us know how it works out...and you can always pm me if you want to talk off the board.

[Worries]

only 8 post so ill continue here till i can PM you.

Yes i agree!! and have been through this tighter grasp. like i said, i wrote that letter about trusting her and i meant most of it..im not going to mention it to her. i will just secretly monitor her phone every once in awhile and resume acting happy, going out, dates, etc.

the difference is a control freak will continue to monitor after shes proven herself. on friday i will either walk out of her life, or i will stop monitoring.

because you are right i cant force her.

so do you think i should continue with my plan? or should i modify it abit? or what? another thing is my buddies have a dallas trip they just planned...typically when im in this state so recently, i would stay with her to occupy her. But maybe i should just go without her and enjoy my weekend. ...i will be worried about what shes doing...especially without my presence around.

[girl68]

You're doing something wrong which is invading her privacy but she's done nothing to prove that she is in fact trustworthy.

Dunno what to say man... she keeps making the same mistake, which means she isn't learning crap.

[Primo]

I'll try to blend what you want to do, with what I would do...maybe it'll sound like a reasonable plan, because you definitely won't do only what I would do

You've already had the discussion about the trust issue with the ex's, so she knows that you're expecting her to be honest and open with you.

DON'T monitor her phone bill now, fight that urge ok? GO with your friends for the weekend in Dallas, give her your complete trust, no texting, no phone calls, no contact for those couple of days...you have fun with your bro's, let her do her thing. She needs to see that you're capable of having a great weekend without her, or without talking/following up on her.

After 2 weeks, check the phone bill and see if she's been honest with you. If she hasn't, you need to walk out the door and leave her a note with the phone bill and never look back. It's way more than 3 strikes at that point.

Listen, it's not easy what you're going through, but everyone has been there in some way, so you have good company...whatever you decide, stick to that plan even if you have to tape your fingers together not to use the phone or check the bill online, ok?

[Worries]

....sigh. this is pretty much what i think.

She wants in the relationship but cant learn that she f'ing up shit by doing the same thing that ended it last time.

How the hell do i get through to this women? leave her so i can go through this 20 more times this year with her begging for me back. if half of what you guys are saying is true, then shes the type that wants what she cant have.

bleh...so complicated.

[Worries]

I like that plan except one thing...we have a really close relationship. She calls in and checks up on me, and I do the same. we are also very Bullheaded...which means if i dont answer once, she wont answer once....childish i know but its like a bickering game.

so she is going to want to know that im OK in dallas, and what my gameplan is. if i just ignore her calls and text, she will get pissed at me, then this whole thing is wasted games. So modify that one aspect to maybe just only "responding to her text" and answering her calls as opposed to me contact her 1st. that good enough?

i do like the part about the phone bill....I will resist the urge till next week or two. Dont see why you said 2 weeks as opposed to 1? whats the difference?

I see your point but what about this view
1.) what if i stay here, take her on a nice date, show her the fun side of the relationship and keep her occupied...if she stops then i win...if she continues, then i tried my best and her fate is sealed
2.) if i leave with my friends, she will get bored. Shes a women in a house by herself. she will go down the list until she finds something to do. this seems to me like a big gamble considering that shes been contacting her ex's the last two days. PLus i will have no guarantee she didnt meet up with them. I only can see when someone called or texted.


to be honest, i was going to monitor her phone bill up until the last minute to decide to go to dallas. if she called them while i was at work, i was going to stay. If she didnt, i was going to take her off the leash.

[Primo]

....sigh. this is pretty much what i think.

She wants in the relationship but cant learn that she f'ing up shit by doing the same thing that ended it last time.

How the hell do i get through to this women? leave her so i can go through this 20 more times this year with her begging for me back. if half of what you guys are saying is true, then shes the type that wants what she cant have.

bleh...so complicated.

It's not complicated dude, you're having a hard time walking away from a bad situation. Her, the relationship, it's your drug...it takes a strong person to walk away, but it beats being a victim of the addiction in the end.

You have to have a plan, a means to an end. I think that's a pretty good one that is layed out there. If you follow it, it will answer all of your questions and work itself out...it's not a pain free road to travel though Worries, no matter what path you take.

Don't you deserve a girl who will give all of herself to you?

[Primo]

so she is going to want to know that im OK in dallas, and what my gameplan is

You're thinking too much. When I mean do your own thing up there, of course you can take her call and let you know you're doing good and having a great time. Just don't obsess over HER and send her a million texts or messages etc..

Worries, you CAN'T police her like that...staying home so she doesn't fu*k around completely defeats what you're trying to establish here doesn't it? Trust? You either want her to be trustworthy or know she can't be right?

You don't want to know that she can be trusted only if you're hawking over her every second and checking her phone bills...

I can't help you anymore than what I layed out dude. You're obsessing over it because you don't want it to fail. I UNDERSTAND that, but I'm here to tell you it's the absolute wrong thing to do...

[Worries]

haha i agree...just seeing where you stand. Ive always been known as a person to see the other side of things. or to at least take it into consideration.

and yes policing over her isnt the answer. BUT leaving is only "tempting" her to be bad...like putting cheese infront of a rat and walking away.

the point of the whole thing is to see if given a good foundation between us, and something were to happen, would she randomly contact an ex or other guy. The problem is she has already contacted them. so leaving to see if she will be bad, is like me running while there is a problem

[Worries]

one more thing to add. She wants us to go to family therapy. shes been begging me for the last 2 weeks. the only reason i havent is because my family upbringing show it as a "weakness" and im semi embrassed.

[girl68]

that's a weaksauce reason not to go and you know it.

Primo lays it out brillantly. Carry on as normal. Treat her good, go on that trip, don't check her phone bill for at least 2 weeks one week isn't nearly long enough. Check it after 2-3 weeks see a text? Leave her.

You're just letting her screw up time and time again if anything else happens.

[Worries]

OK...ill report in 2 weeks =) thanks everyone.

[girl68]

^ worries, we'll be looking for an update.

[Worries]

AND the conclusion...

...its already over. I gave her trust and let her off the leash and she ****ed up in 24 hours.

She decided to go to Dallas to work with her friend. And i decided I may or may not go to dallas for a concert with my friends. My plans fell though and i said "have fun babe, im going to let you pack while i hang out with some friends at ___(bar)". she calls me about 11pm and just about to get off of work, "well, i miss you, im taking off early to see you so we can hang out at your bar before i leave", "OK head up whenever"...

It was nice to have her acting like that again...she run up to where i was, we had an awesome night, ended up doing some illegal things and came home had the best sex to date.

The next day,she canceled her trip to dallas and we slept in. Got up and ate about 3pm, and started to plan the night out..she mentioned going out, then watching UFC fight and so we got on the phones....and then about 10pm while we lay in her bed watching UFC, main fight in 10 minute, she said "why dont you go do something with your friends tonight, i kinda want to just lay and relax and sleep"....i was like WTF at first, then after the 20th time she mentioned it, i stopped watching UFC, packed my bag and left. I was alittle irritated on why she was rushing me out the door, but whatever. I got on the phone about 11pm and found some friends to hang out with at a bar called SoCo where some friends where. I called her to see whats up and she says, "oh im getting dressed to go out"..i was like, "? i thought you were staying in"..."no im going to hang out with my girlfriends".

irritated with each other again, i was like "ok well im heading to Soco so let me know what up later"..she says, "WHAT? thats where i was headed! why is it so hard for us to hang out with friends without each other"....

so i gave in and said, "ill find something else to do, have fun....."

she went there where my friends where and then basically text me every 10 minutes asking if i was coming. i didnt respond...but instead showed up at about 1:00am and joined my friends and sat with her and had 1 drink,

at close, i stuck with her since she was pretty drunk and then she said "what are you doing"...i was like, "um walking you out to your car". She returned, drunk and said "well im going to my girlfriends dads house to hang out with her a bit more before i head home so ill just meet you at our place later".

I was a bit drunk and decided to put the foot down since id already given her the night to hang out with her girlfriends(which included her gf's husband, his cousin, and like 3 other guys/relatives) and to mention i gave up my initial plans to go to SoCO to go across town to another bar. So i said "well i dont want you drinking and driving so why dont you just take me and ill hang out with her husband and ill sober up to drive us home".

basically it deadend and i ended up in her car refusing to get out. she said **** it, went to a gas station down the street where she met up with her girlfriend/husband and told me shes riding with them and i can nap in the car...at this point it was getting ridiculous so i said, "just give me the keys so i can get back to my car" we fought for the keys, key broke in the ignition, then i got out to call a taxi and they all ****ing took off.

i had to walk 3 miles back to my car. I finally got to my car, drove over to Eric's(the #1 EX) APT to see if they were there, and sure enough they were all there partying... I went back to her apt and she didnt come home till 11Am the next day.

at which point we broke up. her excuse was "we had to go there because you broke the key and the husband's idea was to go there to drop my car off in a secure gated apt until i could call a locksmith...i was pretty much kicked out of the apt because Eric didnt want me there because of how you demand i dont talk to him"

i packed my shit and left. she's been blownin me up nonstop..telling me how she hates me but misses me. She also tried to tell me she might be pregnant still...(we had a situation about 2 weeks ago where she had a miscarriage or thought she did...no DR so everything is just opinion i suppose)


Soo like i said...haha..2 weeks was to long to plan. Is she a player? i donno. I think shes just young, confused and I expect alot out of her. i agree she needs to learn to end one relationship before moving to the next.

and i am unsure what to do at this moment except follow my original dream to move out of the state im in. somehow i feel as she matures and realizes her actions, she will be incontact me with again...but whatever I am doing to cause her to act this way, will only be relived if i let her back in...at least thats the theory im sticking with.