Transition from 'friends with benefits' to relationship, seeking advice.

[loveandfinance]

She's not ready to make a committed relationship based decision. If I tell her I won't do anything bf/gf until she gives me a relationship, she will definitely say no. It's too soon for her to get involved in something again. I want to be the one she's with until she's ready, but not give her everything. She DOES like me and says she can see us being in a relationship, but not right now.

I can feel that because of what I have with her, I can induce less affection and more of my confident character, and it will lead towards a relationship. I think she needs to be the one that requests a relationship. She's happy with me, and the situation isn't ripe for an approach like you suggest to work in my favour.

[loveandfinance]

I think we need to have more sex too so she become comfortable with me and attached, and then I could maybe do something like that. We've only had sex 3 times so far and she's filling her prescription to go on the pill soon, which she went off after the breaking up with the ex.

[searock]

Then you're just allowing her to use you (not with bad intentions, I don't think she's a jerk, she just does it) as a human bandaid until her wound is healed up. That's what you represent to her, and if you stick around you're just saying "hey, that's fine for me!". Whatever floats your boat dude.

[loveandfinance]

If I downgrade her slightly to an f-buddy, and show no affection and talk about no emotions, I could slowly escalate into giving her more when I think she's falling. Couldn't this situation be perceived as an opportunity or a behind the scenes audition to sell myself? I could use that relationship card in a little bit after I see it working!

[searock]

You're talking of this like you have to use some strategy to "make her" fall in love with you... you've been listening to too much Paul Janka. Relationships should be based on spontaneity and reciprocal care, trust, respect and honesty, not in ridiculous PUA tactics that only work on barely-adult insecure little girls.

[loveandfinance]

True.......

I'm just afraid to lose everything by gambling for a relationship right NOW. She isn't ready for it, but I can read the situation and how we've been that in due time she will be. She hints at it and behaves like it. Is this really the best approach to take?

Like.. really?

What if I'm her friend with benefits for like.. 4-5 months, and THEN drop the relationship card. Just make her laugh all the time, have great times together, have sex-and again, introduce nicer things very slowly over time, after 2 months maybe. Could letting her 'use' me, for a long period of time end up actually being better? Because the type of girl that she is, yes-and I know this, which is why I'm kinda pushing my point here and challenging your opinion.

[searock]

By that time, she will have established your role in her life very precisely: you are the doormat type of guy who helped her get over her ex.

By the way, why would you even want to be in a relationship with a girl who doesn't know if she wants to be with you or not? You're wasting your time.

Stop using "tactics" to get her to want you - it will NOT work and it just makes you sound like a douche.

[loveandfinance]

By that time, she will have established your role in her life very precisely: you are the doormat type of guy who helped her get over her ex.

This will sound kinda bad, even if that's true, it's what she needs. That's how she has been able to move on from her exes in the past and transition into a new relationship. Except her bfs keep treating her like utter garbage and I care for her. I want to be the person that treats her right, I see what other guys don't and I don't trust anyone else to take care of her.

By the way, why would you even want to be in a relationship with a girl who doesn't know if she wants to be with you or not? You're wasting your time.

I don't mind sticking it out in a crappy role if it means we end up together, or the chance. I even told her this and she felt more optimistic about her dealing with me.

Stop using "tactics" to get her to want you - it will NOT work and it just makes you sound like a douche.

I don't approve of the common PUA mentality, don't me wrong. It always comes off as sexist and offensive to me. And I find it a bit disgusting to condition oneself to see women as disposable, hence my distance from this girl, but the 'attachment' that keeps me wondering how I can turn it into a relationship. I've liked her for a long time and I don't want to lose it by gambling, not yet. And that's not because I want to keep having sex with her, it's because I WANT that relationship, and I want to ensure I get it the best way possible.

I've been single for a long time, so right now I want a relationship.
She's been in a relationship for a long time, and wants to be single right now.
But we have a chemistry that we're both very into-and there's strong potential for a future if I play my cards right.

We liked each other before, but she was with who is now her ex. We used to cuddle and got in trouble a few times with him.

It has been bad timing all around.. but this time it looks better.

[IndiReloaded]

Hi LAF - You sound like a very mature 22 year old. This is good, but its also your problem.

Your lady was with her ex for 4 years, meaning she was 18 years old when they got together. I assume she is not that experienced with other guys. She may want to play the field soon. She will also be licking her emotional wounds for a while and you run the risk of being her 'shining knight'--not a good thing to be if you want a longterm future with this gal. There is a sticky about this on the main forum page. Suggest you read it and post your thoughts.

Now, if you were 42 (not 22), my advice would be to take her on a quiet date and tell her, clearly, how you love and admire her and want a longterm relationship with her. I wouldn't even worry about the FWB thing, its just a label after all. You know someone loves you by their actions, not their words. That's how I can tell just from your posts you are in love with her. Most guys would be thrilled for the sex, but for you that's not enough you want her heart so, yea, you love her.

Here's where you are hooped tho, if you carry on this way:

She is still toying with getting back with her ex. She hasn't made a decision to move on. This is bad news for you.

There are only 2 ways I can see to proceed, and like WU said, you won't like either:

1. Break off FWB with her. Don't be an ass. As her friend, tell her the truth: you are falling for her and you think she is still hung up on her ex. Say you want her for yourself but have to protect your own heart until she is ready for you (by this I mean the 'you' that is a couple).

2. Continue FWB, but realize you are going to lose her, longterm. Right now you are a rebound, and (read the Shining Knight sticky), these *never* last. No exceptions, bucko.

Hope this helps.

[IndiReloaded]

I don't mind sticking it out in a crappy role if it means we end up together, or the chance. I even told her this and she felt more optimistic about her dealing with me.

But the fact you allow yourself to be put in this 'crappy role' = lack of respect for yourself. Women, above all else, want a partner they can respect, and who will respect them. This will not work, Shining Knight, as I said above.

[searock]

Exactly. He needs to stop doing boyfriend-girlfriend stuff (including sex) with her until she tells him she wants to be in a relationship with him. Otherwise she's just going to keep using him as a rebound and dump him eventually. But he won't listen to us.

[IndiReloaded]

But he won't listen to us.

Have faith, he may yet. He sounds like a smart guy who is heart torn. He posted here b/c he knows there is a problem.

[Maple1714]

OP - take the advice here...it's good. She sounds like a nice girl, but is young and just learning about relationships. She is most definitely still toying with the idea of getting back together with her ex. You do not want to be "the other guy" or her shoulder to cry on or her buddy or both of their buddies for that matter. You want a sexual and romantic relationship with her. She just sees you as a close friend right now. Back off totally and let her know why if you want. She will never ever fall in love with you if you stay in this "good friend" who I sleep with role. Come one dude grow some balls and give her time to figure out if she wants you and only you. Stop thinking about what you can say and do to make her want you...bc in reality when someone is really interested in you there isn't much guessing.

[basilandthyme]

But the fact you allow yourself to be put in this 'crappy role' = lack of respect for yourself. Women, above all else, want a partner they can respect, and who will respect them. This will not work, Shining Knight, as I said above.

I couldn't agree more. One of the traits I look for in a man is someone who won't let me walk over them. I want someone who respects himself enough to stand up to me.

[TheSaint]

I couldn't agree more. One of the traits I look for in a man is someone who won't let me walk over them. I want someone who respects himself enough to stand up to me.

Make me a sandwich woman, NOW.