For Those Trying To 'Win Someone Back'....

[bluesummer]

break ups aren't THAT simple though. And they're definitely not that easy

Breakups are as simple and easy as you make them. Really. It's all in your head. I wish more people would realize this. Instead they choose to torture themselves by focusing on how much they 'love' someone (irrelevant), or the fact they spent so much time with them (also irrelevant), or worrying that they'll never meet someone else (idiotic AND irrelevant).

I guess the fact someone has hurt you or disrespected you becomes less important when you love them, right? It's all about forgiving the ones you love right?

To an extent, no. If you love yourself FIRST, it's easy to understand. But most people are such martyrs for their relationships, they can't possibly make clear healthy decisions.

[IndiReloaded]

Breakups are as simple and easy as you make them. Really. It's all in your head. I wish more people would realize this.

It does take some practice, and some experience to come to this realization, tho. Its almost like one of those realizations that folks just don't want to believe is so, even tho it is. Fantasy-busters R Us. LOL.

[bluesummer]

Yeah, I fully realize most people aren't going to just 'get it'. It's normally something you have to go through.

[Junket]

Frasbee's confession:

There once was a girl in junior high that I fell for, if only because she was one of the few girls to flirt with me (didn't help I was a skinhead back in the day).

I wrote her poems and shared them with her under the guise they were for someone else, until I finally let her know they were for her. (EEK!)

I even walked the 10 miles to her house this one time, I was runnin' on high octane hormones. That's when I found out she already had a boyfriend. Ugh.

I remember going to an internet chatroom trying to find out how I can make her fall in love with me.

Ah, how naive and innocent I was.

It wasn't long before I learned the error of my ways.

I still dressed like a skinhead until 2006.

That's when I joined AmeriCorps.

Ended up wearing shorts and sandals, and grew my hair out shortly after my confessed infatuation to Amy.

Ahhh, the old days...

[IndiReloaded]

Ah, how naive and innocent I was.

It wasn't long before I learned the error of my ways.

I still dressed like a skinhead until 2006.

That's when I joined AmeriCorps.

Ended up wearing shorts and sandals, and grew my hair out shortly after my confessed infatuation to Amy.

Ahhh, the old days...

My father still says that the reason he was able to fend off his daughters' crap BFs and know when they boozing and drugging was b/c HE did the same things when he was young.

I think the point of young, wild experiences is so that you can recognize the same in your own kids. Helps.

[Junket]

We were just reminiscing while listening to Bright Eyes.

We only used to call each other once a week.

Little more than an e-mail every other day or so.

Occasional IM's.

I remember lying in bed, dead exhausted, both of us mute, yet so reluctant to hang up the phone.

It was so utterly painful.

I cannot deny there's something inherently beautiful in the pain that comes with such romantic infatuation.

[moonriverlove]

4. a person who can't see his/her partner in marriage. if he/she can't now, he/she probably can't in the future either.

[Gribble]

4. a person who can't see his/her partner in marriage. if he/she can't now, he/she probably can't in the future either.

Instead of writing he/she this and he/she that pluralize the subject whenever possible. In most cases you can without changing anything.

[marioman1234]

Hey all,

First off, I'm new to this forum so hey.

Although I kind of agree with what the OP said, I do also disagree. For me, I fall under option number 3 on that list. My ex dumped me about 3 months ago, maybe like 2 or 3 weeks after the break up I found out that she was dating another guy, a guy she had been constantly texting and hanging out with in/outside of work, which kind of shows me that the real reason she broke our 3 year relationship off was so she could date this guy.

Did I want her back? yes, more than anything. Its kind of human nature to feel like that, people coming on here asking of ways to get their ex's back is normal, the relationship obviously meant something to them. Its hard to just move on, yeah its a learning experience, but it still is hard, and yes I'm past my previous relationship so don't worry I won't post my "sad" story here. What exactly is this forum for if you don't want people "whining" about getting their ex back? I thought maybe it was for helping people cope with their situation?

This isn't meant to sound like I'm angry or anything about the thread, but I think it is kind of harsh to just say "Get over it" or "it gets pathetic reading about people who want their ex back" or even "you're wasting everyone's time and duly deserve royal flamage."

[and_for_what]

Because if any of those situations apply to you, either you or them have issues that need to be worked on before entering another relationship, and you CERTAINLY do not belong together.

Orly. Well it's a good job bluesummer knows so much about everyone else's relationships like that. What do you even mean, "belong together"? In what sense? Like a cosmic match-making kind of way... or "it will ALWAYS come back to cause problems later...", or something else?
In real life, many people reunite, or perservere, after issues like those you listed above. I don't know the statistics on such things (tell us if you do), but presumably many such couples can manage to stay together indefinately, still? Who are we, then, to say that actually they don't "belong together"?

It just gets pathetic listening to people again and again crying 'How Do I Get Him/Her Back?' when it's RIDICULOUSLY OBVIOUS to even the simple-minded that the relationship wasn't healthy in the first place.

Well, shit, this is kind of the right place to write about stuff like that, isn't it?
For right or wrong reasons, people want to hang on to what they know. When my girlfriend left me, though it was in a really harsh way, what got me through the first couple of weeks was the unwavering belief that we could get back together. I really don't know what would remain of me today if I hadn't had that life raft at first. It makes me so angry that you'd see that taken away from me, or others who need it. If someone is still in a mess after a few months then perhaps they should be encouraged to let go, but a lot of the posts are from people recently involved in a breakup and wanting to sort things out before it's too late.

Regarding the relationship being healthy:
> Can relationships not be fixed, and made healthier? Can people not work to try and better themselves? Or is that all nonsense and do good relationships (i.e. people who "belong together) just flow along without any intervention? I'm asking (I don't know).
> It appearing obvious to the simple minded is not surprising, since they are simple minded, and unable to consider the complexities of the kind of situations we hear about on this forum. In any case, only the people involved in the relationship or breakup really know even 1% of what has gone on, and we can barely learn anything from a few posts and certain choices of words. Things we say here should be with the aim of helping the posters' minds and emotions back to a state in which they can make decisions that they will not regret later.

Please think about your situation before you considered posting a thread about your circumstance. If any of the following applies, you're wasting everyone's time and duly deserve royal flamage.

We waste no one's time. You waste your own by reading the threads or replying to them. If you don't want to even see such things posted, then I think this subforum will need to be removed.

[Cbrider]

I think you are kind of misunderstanding what Blue is saying.

She's definitely not a bitch or a heartless person, so you can rule out that she doesn't care about how other people feel.

She's doing what other people wont do and what really needs to happen in most cases....tough love. Its hard to see through the delusional fog that clouds your mind after a break-up, but a majority of the time, moving on to other people is clearly the better choice.

I originally came her to try and figure out what happened between myself and my ex, and whether I could salvage it somehow. In the end I am happier without her, would die a happy man never seeing or talking to her again and don't care how shes doing or what happens to her, bar something tragic. Theres no telling how much longer and painful it could have been had I not had voices of reason telling me how ****ed up it all was and how much better off I was and i found a lot of them on here. The people close to you are almost always right, but its easy to brush their opinions off as bias because they are close to you. When you come here everyone is initially a stranger, so their opinions carry some meaning in a way no friend's could.

It sucks but people need to hear it, but it saves a lot of pain in the long run and a lot of wasted time on both parties parts.

[and_for_what]

She's doing what other people wont do and what really needs to happen in most cases....tough love.

Everyone does that - or at least to me. I think my "how to win her back" thread had not a single reply encouraging me to take any course of action other than forgetting about her and moving on. This forum is very much leant in that direction overall, I would say (i.e. breakup, don't try to fix things).

Bluesummer was not only giving the advice to move on after a harsh breakup, but she said that we shouldn't even bother posting about our situations if they are like that. That is the most disagreeable part of her message, really. "Tough love" is fine, but that's no love at all. When people come here to talk about their breakups, it might be one of the only places they can - certainly for me it was the ONLY place I could write/talk about it. If I had been met only by replies telling me to stfu and stop wasting everyone's time, I would not have felt all that great.

[Cbrider]

Everyone does that - or at least to me. I think my "how to win her back" thread had not a single reply encouraging me to take any course of action other than forgetting about her and moving on. This forum is very much leant in that direction overall, I would say (i.e. breakup, don't try to fix things).

Bluesummer was not only giving the advice to move on after a harsh breakup, but she said that we shouldn't even bother posting about our situations if they are like that. That is the most disagreeable part of her message, really. "Tough love" is fine, but that's no love at all. When people come here to talk about their breakups, it might be one of the only places they can - certainly for me it was the ONLY place I could write/talk about it. If I had been met only by replies telling me to stfu and stop wasting everyone's time, I would not have felt all that great.

You didn't hear what you wanted to hear in your post, thats why you didn't like the answers.

I was in your shoes at one point with my ex, I know what it feels like to lose a person you love to another guy....it sucks. Your ex and mine are a like in a lot of ways, both selfish and both having zero respect for their partners. She cheated on you, there is no magic answer here, she's a whore.

You wont like this post, I can guarantee it. I wouldn't have liked it when I still wanted to be with my ex. Soon enough you realize how much better you deserve and that there are actually women out there who will love you to the end and never step on you even if they are given the chance. Thats the girl you want to marry, not the ex.

[Lite]

Pretty much this thread serves as a warning to others that their relationship problems, aside from a few minor details here and there, are not unique unto them.

Yes, we've seen this problem. Yes, we've dealt with this ourselves. No you're not alone. Yes you're an idiot, just like we were, when we came up against the same damn thing.

It's pretty much how a lot of this goes. Eventually you do get frustrated at hearing the same whine from 20 different people. She shot my dog, wrecked my pickup, ran off with my best friend (Boy do I sure miss him), burned down my double-wide, drank my beer, pissed in my cowboy hat, and shaved the goat...I want her back, please tell me how I can win her love back!

But, what these people (fools) do not realize is that this is the dumper's way of taking off and nuking the site from orbit (it's the only way to be sure), and the person actually loves them MORE for hurting them...

OMG I lost my comfort and my life is going to change! No! Help! I need to make it not change!

[and_for_what]

You wont like this post, I can guarantee it. I wouldn't have liked it when I still wanted to be with my ex. Soon enough you realize how much better you deserve and that there are actually women out there who will love you to the end and never step on you even if they are given the chance. Thats the girl you want to marry, not the ex.

I realised that weeks ago, dude - don't worry. If she ever came back to me wanting to try again, I'd laugh so hard. There's things I still miss about her (or us, rather), and I certainly feel weird about what happened, but no part of me wants to take her back now.