long distance relationship, very long distance. advice please :)

[InLoveCR]

Forget what InLoveCR said. It doesn't matter how "strong" you are. Eventually someone will get tired, bored, or frustrated with the situation and give up on it. Either cutting off all contact or just wanting to be "friends".

HOW COME YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN????

What if they can manage being together? What if they are doing everything they can to be together ??

And about you're sayin that someone will get tired, bored or frustrated... that could happen if you are with your partner in person. You can live with your gf or bf and get tired, bored or frustrated as well.

[Junket]

HOW COME YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN????

What if they can manage being together? What if they are doing everything they can to be together ??

And about you're sayin that someone will get tired, bored or frustrated... that could happen if you are with your partner in person. You can live with your gf or bf and get tired, bored or frustrated as well.

Because we see cases like these all the time.

If "doing everything" they can do is talk on-line then what difference is it going to make? It doesn't even sound like either of these two can really afford such a long distance relationship. What are they gonna do? Just move in together? And who's going to be the one to move?

And yes, you can get tired, bored or frustrated with your partner in real life, but honestly, you're a hell of a lot more likely to grow bored of the one dimensional aspect of a on-line or phone relationship.

You can talk, and all you can do is talk.

You can't go for a walk, can't hug them, can't kiss them. You can't visit their place for an hour or so and head back to your house. You can't meet up with them real quick for some coffee before you start your day. You can't wake up with them, you can't make them breakfast. You can't see how they are with other people, experience things with them that neither of you have experienced. Can't take trips, can't visit each other's family. Cook dinner together or have sex.

You have less things to argue about because you're more likely to be on your best behavior when you're talking to them. You never have to work through real world problems together. Can't deal with a flat tire, or death of a loved one.

Even in a progressing LDR where the couples are actually taking concrete steps to moving closer, if not in with each other, many of these things are missing. Relationships can be difficult enough as it is. Having to deal with distance, lack of intimacy, finances, culture, family/friend approval are only strains on the relationship. You can be bullish about it now, but unless you're taking steps, somebody will eventually back down. Doesn't mean they didn't have their heart in it, it's just a fact, everyone has a breaking point.

[kate_spencer]

Because we see cases like these all the time.

If "doing everything" they can do is talk on-line then what difference is it going to make? It doesn't even sound like either of these two can really afford such a long distance relationship. What are they gonna do? Just move in together? And who's going to be the one to move?

And yes, you can get tired, bored or frustrated with your partner in real life, but honestly, you're a hell of a lot more likely to grow bored of the one dimensional aspect of a on-line or phone relationship.

You can talk, and all you can do is talk.

You can't go for a walk, can't hug them, can't kiss them. You can't visit their place for an hour or so and head back to your house. You can't meet up with them real quick for some coffee before you start your day. You can't wake up with them, you can't make them breakfast. You can't see how they are with other people, experience things with them that neither of you have experienced. Can't take trips, can't visit each other's family. Cook dinner together or have sex.

You have less things to argue about because you're more likely to be on your best behavior when you're talking to them. You never have to work through real world problems together. Can't deal with a flat tire, or death of a loved one.

Even in a progressing LDR where the couples are actually taking concrete steps to moving closer, if not in with each other, many of these things are missing. Relationships can be difficult enough as it is. Having to deal with distance, lack of intimacy, finances, culture, family/friend approval are only strains on the relationship. You can be bullish about it now, but unless you're taking steps, somebody will eventually back down. Doesn't mean they didn't have their heart in it, it's just a fact, everyone has a breaking point.

I somewhat agree with these.. but not all ldrs fail, there are some couples whose relationships were long distance before and are now living together and are happily married. I have a friend and my cousin had ldrs.. and they all ended fine.. though because my cousin's husband is working on the other state, they had to move there, but we're happy for them cause she finally found the man she's been waiting.
A little sacrifice and a lot of understanding and trust, I guess are the prerequisites before entering into long distance relationship, if you really want it to work.. and that's what long distance relationship is all about.

sometimes i feel it is better if we leave each other but if we ever try we are soon again talking. it is impossible for us to be apart. it is like being stuck between 2 worlds of pain. but at least i have found someone who i consider to be my soulmate

This makes me think their relationship will work like what others had achieved.. and anyway, any relationships has a working process, if the other did not participated well or lost it's love, then it will really fail.

[Gigabitch]

I somewhat agree with these.. but not all ldrs fail, there are some couples whose relationships were long distance before and are now living together and are happily married.

Well, sure. I'm one of those people, but I had something going in my LDR that UKTom doesn't seem to have, and that was a light at the end of the tunnel. Where's the hope? When can they actually be together?

[Junket]

I somewhat agree with these.. but not all ldrs fail, there are some couples whose relationships were long distance before and are now living together and are happily married. I have a friend and my cousin had ldrs.. and they all ended fine.. though because my cousin's husband is working on the other state, they had to move there, but we're happy for them cause she finally found the man she's been waiting.
A little sacrifice and a lot of understanding and trust, I guess are the prerequisites before entering into long distance relationship, if you really want it to work.. and that's what long distance relationship is all about.

Like Giga, I also had a "successful" LDR. But it was hard, emotionally and mentally, and fiscally. 300 dollars a plane ticket every other month while working a part time job was not easy.

I almost broke it off, but we started making concrete plans to move closer together.

Then we did.

But then that wasn't enough either, so we made plans to move in with each other.

Then we did.

Overall things have been going well for us.

On the other hand, I had known her a year before we started the LDR deal so my circumstances were different than just meeting some random person on the internet.

[kate_spencer]

Well, sure. I'm one of those people, but I had something going in my LDR that UKTom doesn't seem to have, and that was a light at the end of the tunnel. Where's the hope? When can they actually be together?

well, that's up with them..
like what I said to Uktom: he could earn money from his chosen career which is graphic design.. since money was the primary reason why their meet up was canceled twice..
I guess if he managed to get a job even a part time job of graphic designing.. that could be the light and the hope they could hold on to.. it depends on how persevere a person is.. and if their love for each other is enough and the trust.. I guess they can make it.

[InLoveCR]

take Frasbee advice he had a ldr that worked but he knows yours is not going to work.
You will get tired, bored, or frustrated with the situation and give up on it.
I dont know how come that didnt happened to him, but is going to happen to you.

And BTW i never said it was going to be easy... both need to get compromised to each other, and make the effort and sacrifice to be together in real life, if both want the relationship to work... no matter what
PS.. sorry for being sarcastic.

[IndiReloaded]

I will also add my 2 cents to the pot for statistics sake: I was also in an LDR with my to-be-husband for 1 year.

But we were dating for 2 years before that and knew that the separation was only temporary. That 'light at the end of the tunnel' that Fras and Giga mention is the make-or-break factor for LDRs, and I've never seen an exception to this.

[Junket]

take Frasbee advice he had a ldr that worked but he knows yours is not going to work.
You will get tired, bored, or frustrated with the situation and give up on it.
I dont know how come that didnt happened to him, but is going to happen to you.

And BTW i never said it was going to be easy... both need to get compromised to each other, and make the effort and sacrifice to be together in real life, if both want the relationship to work... no matter what
PS.. sorry for being sarcastic.

If you were sorry for being sarcastic you wouldn't have posted that at all.

Anyway, the reason why I have no faith in his LDR is because as Indie said, where's the light at the end of the tunnel?

The reasons why mine was successful was because I made the money to visit her, I took the time to visit her. I also lived in close proximity to her as a friend for a year prior. Like I said, we took steps. Moved closer together, discussed things, then moved in with each other in a completely different city.

That's the difference between what was my LDR and his.

I didn't seem him mention a time frame to move in with each other, or even a date to visit. Not enough money to visit regularly, and no life experience with each other.

Yes, it takes compromise, hard work, effort to make LDRs work, but where are all those things in this LDR? I just don't see the effort and action that's necessary to bring these people together.

Chatting on-line every day is only sustaining the status quo, it isn't progressing the relationship. Are you following what I'm saying?

Unless they make some drastic changes, this LDR is just going to fade away.

[lovesjoyajm]

One of my favorite professors was in an LDR for (I think) seven years. She and her partner were both tenured professors on opposite ends of the country and she finally had to give up her tenure to start over at his university so they could be together.

Is the OP ready to make that kind of sacrifice? Because it WILL be necessary to some degree. Don't want to repeat what everyone else has been saying, but what kind of sacrifices and compromises are you making now while you're safe at home?