Annoyed that my boyfriend's sister went back to her abusive boyfriend...

[cewzp4]

I know that to some of you she's just another "dumbass" but to me its almost like she is my little sister. I understand you are all entitled to your opinion but please be a little more considerate... for my sake?

Also, I know that there's nothing I can do. I guess I just needed to vent somewhere that was relatively confidential. Thanks to everyone that offered advice or had helpful things to say.

[IndiReloaded]

I read the thread and am sorry for your distress. But I don't have much to add, I agree with BlueSum and Aeradalia's posts the most.

Be supporting without being accepting of the situation, if that makes sense. Support things that help her to leave, not stay, in other words.

[Aeradalia]

Why Women Stay
The Barriers to Leaving

One of the most frustrating things for people outside a battering relationship is trying to understand why a woman doesn't just leave. A letter to Dear Abby on the subject was signed "Tired of Voluntary Victims."

The most important thing to keep in mind is that extreme emotional abuse is always present in domestic violence situations. On average, an abused woman will leave her partner 6-8 times. The reasons they return or stay in the relationship vary from case to case. Some of these include:


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Situational Factors

• Economic dependence. How can she support herself and the children?
• Fear of greater physical danger to herself and her children if they try to leave.
• Fear of being hunted down and suffering a worse beating than before.
• Survival. Fear that her partner will follow her and kill her if she leaves, often based on real threats by her partner.
• Fear of emotional damage to the children.
• Fear of losing custody of the children, often based on her partner's remarks.
• Lack of alternative housing; she has nowhere else to go.
• Lack of job skills; she might not be able to get a job.
• Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family and friends.
• Social isolation resulting in lack of information about her alternatives.
• Lack of understanding from family, friends, police, ministers, etc.
• Negative responses from community, police, courts, social workers, etc.
• Fear of involvement in the court process; she may have had bad experiences before.
• Fear of the unknown. "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."
• Fear and ambivalence over making formidable life changes.
• "Acceptable violence". The violence escalates slowly over time. Living with constant abuse numbs the victim so that she is unable to recognize that she is involved in a set pattern of abuse.
• Ties to the community. The children would have to leave their school, she would have to leave all her friends and neighbors behind, etc. For some women it would be like being in the Witness Protection program--she could never have any contact with her old life.
• Ties to her home and belongings.
• Family pressure; because Mom always said, "I told you it wouldn't work out." or "You made your bed, now you sleep in it."
• Fear of her abuser doing something to get her (report her to welfare, call her workplace, etc.)
• Unable to use resources because of how they are provided (language problems, disability, homophobia, etc.)
• Time needed to plan and prepare to leave.

How to Help a Friend Who is Being Abused

[url]http://www.letswrap.com/general/how2help.htm[/url]


Domestic Violence Information

[url]http://www.letswrap.com/dvinfo/index.htm[/url]



Hope this helps...

[Aeradalia]

It's not easy to get out of an abusive relationship because most of it is a mind game... which is less obvious to the one in the game -- the victim.

Been through a similar bout... and wasn't until I got out of the relationship that all of the pieces started to make sense.

Here's a few of the tricks he used on me to gain control and tear me down:



Using intimidation: making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures, smashing things, destroying her property, abusing pets, displaying weapons.

Using emotional abuse: putting her down, making her feel bad about herself, calling her names, making her think she's crazy, playing mind games, humiliating her, making her feel guilty.

Using isolation: controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, where she goes, limiting her outside involvement, using jealousy to justify actions.

Minimizing, denying, and blaming: making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously, saying the abuse didn't happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying she caused it.

Using male privilege: treating her like a servant, making all the big decisions, acting like the "master of the castle", being the one to define men's and women's roles.

Using economic abuse: preventing her from getting or keeping a job, making her ask for money, giving her an allowance, taking her money, not letting her know about or have access to family income.

Using coercion and threats: making and/or carrying out threats to hurt her, threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare, making her drop charges, making her do illegal things.


Needless to say... if it weren't for my adherence to the 'facts'... I honestly think I would've lost my mind completely.

We, as humans, are social creatures... our strength comes from within as well as from those around us. This kind of abuse cuts ties from others -- taking away half of our strength.. and then they start to tear you down by causing doubt --- taking away the other half of your strength.

Just like with a person with depression... the world really hasn't changed, but as far as they are concerned it has. For someone abused... the world is just him and her... and he has the power to take everything else away. Essentially.. it's a mind ****.

[Mish]

Thanks Dalia

Too often we see these things from a point of view of a healthy, independent, empowered individual (that we are) and forget that perception of the victim is askew. While it makes sense to us to make logical, objective decisions on a particular situation where the victim can't, because they don't live in the same world as us. For a number of very deep subjective personal reasons they don't have the strength to cut ties, they are addicted to their abuser like a junkie and there is not a lot anyone can do.

It's very sad.