married and confused:( :(

[bcgirl]

I am actual at peace with the idea, yet scared at the same time, I dont want to hurt my kids and am so torn, that is why I am waiting for the counceling for the both of us and for myself.

I come from parents who were only married because of "the kids". They were unhappy with each other and even ended up sleeping in seperate beds. They stayed together so long because they didn't want to tear up the family. It was worse this way for me. The household was toxic and lots of bad tension in the house on a daily basis. My parents finally gotten a divorce and things are SOOO much better. There isn't anymore tension and anxiety build up. My dad and mom are now happily married to other people and the relationship with their spouses are soo much better. I see them so much happier as individuals than i ever seen them when they were married. You're children will be better off with you two divorced than married.

[Wakeup]

You're children will be better off with you two divorced than married.

Op: You don't know this. This is just how it turned out for bcgirl and her parents. I suggest you do the councelling and see what happens. At least then you will know in your own mind and heart that you've done everything you could to make things work and you can leave with (less) guilt than you apparently seem to be hanging onto.

There is nothing wrong with staying, trying to work on things and finding that you're quite content to go through your golden years with your intended life partner. Perhaps if bcgirl's parent had gone to counceling she wouldn't have had to endure the crap she did. (?) Just keep in mind that you're not trying very hard if you have romantic feelings for another girl while you are in counceling. Distance yourself from this emotional affair you have going on with the other girl and your councelling will have a better chance of working.

Good luck.

[Wakeup]

I'll add by saying:

I have tried to make my marriage a good one for 10yrs yet my wife will make coments like " you can leave me for some one better", " I dont know why you are with me since I am always sick". If after 10yrs why has my wife not gotten it? When my wife makes these coments and others like them, it makes me want to give up and not try any more.

When your wife makes statements like that she is fishing for validation from you. It's her manipulative way of getting emotional validation from you without asking outright for it. She says that laymo stuff and you likely respond with something like "don't be silly, I love you that's why I stay with you." You'd be better off ignoring her instead of enabling her whine (if you indeed answer somewhat like my example). She would do well to get some personal counceling along with the couples counceling so that she learns to be more secure in her ownself and less manipulative and more straight forward communicative with you.

I have to live with it every day and it sucks every once of energy out of me to help her try to feel just a little better.

That's not your job. You enable her while you try to control her. You cannot fix her. She has to do that on her own with the help of her own councelor. Stop sucking the life out of YOURSELF by trying to make her who you want her to be. Tell her without doubt in your voice that if she wants this marriage to work then she will book herself into personal counceling and she will stick with it until she can be happy. You,you get your own counceling with someone familiear with co-dependency becuase you are sick of trying to control outcomes and failing at it.

In order to be in a successful relationship, you have to be able to be a good partner and supportive and interdependent. You're not any of those basic things right now. Get yourself(s) well with the proper professional for what ails you both. What has become habit for the two of you.

quote]Also I am the only one working and she does not want to try and help out but loves to spend, spend, spend and I do not make that much.

Why do you allow her to spend, spend, spend? You are in control of the money if you are the only one making it. Make it so she can not spend, spend, spend. More evidence of how you enable the very thing that makes you want out. STOP IT.

[isbell76]

Op: Just keep in mind that you're not trying very hard if you have romantic feelings for another girl while you are in counceling. Distance yourself from this emotional affair you have going on with the other girl and your councelling will have a better chance of working.

Good luck.

Like I have said this other gal and I do not talk all that much lately, I belive that she is distancing herself from me for 3reasons, 1) so it is not "her" fault 2) I make my own mind up 3) she does not want any false hope and get her heart broke

[isbell76]

Thank you wake up, you are making sence! And I do have more control over the finances than her but I still have to hear it.

[IndiReloaded]

Your other woman won't leave her husband. Read up on the stats on this, the odds are very stacked against you. So, whatever you decide make sure its for your own reasons, like I already said.

FWIW, I've been married > 20 years. The 10 year point is when many marriages go thru this kind of thing. You sound worn down by your wifes problems as much as she is, in a way chronic illness is like being married to an alcoholic. Its an unhealthy environment. I feel for you. But you also knew your situation when you got into it, and as Vash says, kids change the mix. You need to be responsible for them. Sucks, but that is what you signed up for.

Lots of men cope by having discreet (emphasis on discreet) affairs to cope with the lack of affection and support. If divorce isn't an option, you might consider it. Just be classy about it. Don't rub it in your wife's already distressed face. Use the energy from your extramarital relationship to engage with your kids and family more.

Or, if your integrity is such that you can't rationalize an affair, then consider divorce. But mind what I said about it making things worse.

Good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

Also, I agree about the finance thing but be aware you are only treating a symptom. Plus, you are taking control away from your wife in a way that will add to the stress of your situation. Its certainly not going to make her feel better and it will be adding to your responsibilities. Not saying you shouldn't find a way to control her spending, but you need to understand what the likely outcome of dealing with it like this is going to be. How are YOU going to deal with the added stress (your stress, I mean) that is going to result?

[MaidenMinx]

Before I say anything further, I want you to know I can understand this situation from both sides. I have suffered depression my whole life and often feel suicidal. I also have a husband with a drinking problem that has the potential to destroy him, and I'm frequently trying to find ways to encourage him to look after himself better.

First question, is she a good mum? Second question, does she work or have any hobbies that get her out of the house?

Suffering mental illness is tiring and draining. For every step forward it often feels like you take 2 steps back. Throw other illnesses on top of that and I can understand why she doesn't want to bother.

Back off on trying to fix her, it's counter-productive. The more you try to fix her the more she's going to act deceptively (hiding candy to ready) You need to let her know you are there for her as she is and if she improves, so much the better. This is a very hard thing to do, I know it. It's an important step because while you try to push her, she'll feel inadequate which will just worsen the problem.

Good luck.

[GPLOC]

Okay so while you were getting counselling, (obviously your wish, to move past your wife's 'emotional affair, which to be honest can be something as simple as a strong friendship, which is completely platonic) you also had an emotional affair. Hmmmm. I'll let you mull that one over.

You are obviously a little fed up with all your wife's health problems, otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned them in such length. But you knew these things before you tied the knot. There are no excuses here. Man up and support her, in sickness, and in health.

Perhaps you need stop thinking about your own needs (as hard as that may be), and put a smile on your face, and on hers. Tell your wife what she means to you. Cook her dinner. Massage her back. Light a fire in her belly, help her with her illness and for a minute be her rock and stop dumping all your expectations on her, because right now, with all her pain, she honestly doesn't need it.

II understand the stress you feel, but you need to be the stronger, tougher person here. That's a man's job, when all is said and done. Love your wife, instead of blaming her. You'll be glad in six months.

[GPLOC]

I myself have been a victim of mental illness. I got expectations thrown at me when I couldn't even string a sentence together without having to exert myself. That is how it feels. Every moment is an excruciating workout. I wish I had had someone there, but I didn't. But I can give you some thoughts.

The things to avoid are treating her like a cripple. Avoid talking about her health problems constantly. Just be aware of them, that's all she really wants. To be accepted for what she is without feeling like a freak, like there's something 'wrong with her'.

She will zone out from time to time. It's a symptom of almost all mental illness. If she zones out, comfort her. Kiss her, make her feel like you share her burdens. Because the hardest thing to convey, for me, was that I knew it was all in my head. But it didn't stop it being there. I would have liked some affection when my own mind was turning on me.

If she cries, give her a shoulder.

When she wakes up in the morning, be gentle. Don't rush her into the day. Make it simple, and as easy as possible. Smile often. Keep conversation cheery.

Do things that show she's in your thoughts, because I guarantee you are in hers.

Tell her you love her, often.

Encourage her to be creative. Simple things at first. Engage her in conversation. Stimulus is a great thing. usually people with mental illness can think and obsess on one thing for days and days. So talk to her. Ask her what she is thinking. Distract her.

Share in her beliefs. If she has crazy thoughts, accept them as her reality. Do not under any circumstances call her crazy. If she says something, or believes something that is totally unrealistic, treat it like a game. Rationalize with her in a way that is not mocking. Deduct. How would you tell a child that the boogeyman isn't real? You would rationalize with the child. Ask 'but, have you ever seen him?'. 'Was he here before I locked all the doors? Because he couldn't have gotten in after I locked them, could he?'

Let her know that you believe in her. And that however long she needs, you'll be there.

Treat her. Take her out when possible.

Perhaps one of the most important things is to let her get better. Let her do the work she can do. If she wants to clean the house, let her. If she wants to take the kids, let her. Bit by bit you'll see her become more self reliant and happy.

Do not, under any circumstances, shout, raise your voice, or curse.

It doesn't need to be difficult. She just wants support. Feeling like a burden is an awful awful awful feeling and it heaps so much more pressure on an already overloaded mind.

Treat her like your wife instead of your project to fix.

[vashti]

Treat her like your wife instead of your project to fix.

It would be nice if she realized her responsibility to treat him like her husband rather than her therapist.

I'm with indi - take the kids and divorce her, or have your emotional needs met through a VERY discreet affair. You can't leave your kids there - she isn't healthy.

[isbell76]

It would be nice if she realized her responsibility to treat him like her husband rather than her therapist.

Thank you! Some times that is the way it feels! I do support her, more than I should and she has come to the point that she relies on me for most everything, cooking, cleaning, managing the money, ect. I feel as if I am coddeling her. She is a grown adult that has been in house councling 3 times in her life, twice while we have been married. I do support her in her interstest, but she has to be the one to get motivated to do them, she has a whole basement full of art supplies that she has not touched in over 6 months, she loses interest quickly. I have manned up and am there for her in times when she feels like crap and low. Also my friend is NOT married nor is she getting married, she is just living with a guy and is unsure where that is going! At first maybe I was looking for a discreet affair but my friend made realy look at my life and why I was looking in that direction, so IF I would leave it would not be for anything but for my kids and myself.

[isbell76]

One other thing that I have not metioned yet: with this fibromyagia it has realy changed our sex life. For when she comes to orgasm it puts her in pain for 2 days cause her mussles will not relax, now when we have sex I love to please my wife and bring her to extacy so she enjoys it as well. I do not want her to feel as if she is just there to fullfill my "needs". sex is supposed to be something shared and enjoyed by both people involved. this makes it realy hard and I feel horrible when I do put her in pain. It hurts me to know that I am doing this to her. Now we have been working on this but I can tell by the look on her face when she is in pain, whether she tells me or not, and it sucks to see that.

[bcgirl]

Your children are not stupid. They see EVERYTHING. They probably see things more clearly than the parents in their lives. What is going on in your household molds and shapes what type of person they will become in adulthood and what type of relationships they will seek out when they are adults. You want to set the absolute best examples for your children and you may think that staying in this marriage and making it work is the best thing for the kids.....but it actually is the very opposite. They would be better off having parents who are fulfilled and happy, than having parents who are literally sick of each other and going through seperations and almost divorce more than once. You wouldn't want to wish this type of relationship on your children would you? The likelihood of you planting that seed in your children as "acceptable" type of relationship is already happening. You want that fairy tale happy ending for yourself....but most of all, you want your children's future to be one of complete happiness.....do that for them by making the first step and getting a divorce.

Your wife is very sick and causing a toxic household for you and her children. She has proved many times over that her lifestyle and actions won't change. You can either allow your children and yourself to live in that toxic environment, or you can start cleaning up and moving you and the kids out of there. Ofcourse your children need their mother....but it's best if your children aren't exposed to that sort of mental illness everyday of their developing minds.

[Wakeup]

If you do leave, Op... make sure you will be the one to get full custody. We all know that the courts are biased when it comes to deeming a mother to be more fit than a father to raise the children. That's all the kids will need is to be subjected to her neglect and emotional distance without you there all the time to at least counter her negative with some decent loving, attentive positives.

I do have to ask why you married this woman when you knew she had all these problems? Perhaps personal counseling will help you to understand your need to caretake without resenting it.