he s staying with mum

[hopeful]

what should i say to him with out hurting him and still put my foot down. i dont want to loose him but i dont want to be just the bits that are missing in his relationship with his mum, ie just sex. they are talking about going out for sunday lunches regularly with couples they know, and she mentioned he go with her on a holiday in the summer. i feel like a spare part at the mo. i feel like kid napping him and not letting him go back there lol

[Lite]

You have to hurt him. That's the basic premise here. He's hurting you, and in turn you have to hurt him to stop him from hurting you more. Either you stand up for yourself, or you stay a miserable worthless git who will hurt him more in the long run by not standing up for herself.

[gartlas]

yeah good point ..pile some pressure on him .give him a dilemma or something like arrange something he'll want to do on a day his mum wants to go somewhere , then you can see whether he see's the relationship with you more important than that of his mother

[Gigabitch]

He's dating his mom. For God's sake, break up with him.

[hopeful]

he has said tonight that its hardly a relationship anymore so he doesnt have to discuss things with me. he has enough on his plate with his mom and his own probs that he doesnt want any more complications. he says he discused it with his mum as the 2 of them live together there now and they feel its better for her if he does as she wants. he also says i am very selfish as im not thinking of others. this whole thing has taken such a mental twist i just want my fiance back. its just crazy!

[Lite]

he has said tonight that its hardly a relationship anymore so he doesnt have to discuss things with me. he has enough on his plate with his mom and his own probs that he doesnt want any more complications. he says he discused it with his mum as the 2 of them live together there now and they feel its better for her if he does as she wants. he also says i am very selfish as im not thinking of others. this whole thing has taken such a mental twist i just want my fiance back. its just crazy!

Yeah, so that's just kind of creepy and also really sad. I'm sorry that it came to this for you, but at least you clearly understand where you stand in the relationship now. =|

[Gr8kabuki]

His Mom definately needs grief counseling if she can not stand to be alone and this will get better. It has too. If she does not allow herself to heal she will die of a broken heart. But I would like to present a different point of view . I am in a similar situation. My mother is 82 years old and on a fixed income of about $1000 per month. I bought a house several years ago and moved her in so I could take care of her. Unlike your BFs Mother she is active and pursues her own interests and activities and has never interferred with my personal life however my fiance recently left me for another man primarily because she could not handle the fact that I have to have my mother live there. She says she was never crazy about the idea and eventually decided that she was just was not going to continue.



This is not an ideal situation for me. I wish my Mom was younger and that she had a better income but If I do not support her (as her only child) she would literally be forced to live in very poor conditions. I have a good career but can not afford 2 seprate residences at the present time. this is just my burden...I wish it were different but there is not much I can do about it. I don't think that makes me a wimp, a mama's boy, a "pontee" or anything else. i simply can not throw an elderly person out on the street or put her in a state sponsored rest home...those things are terrible.

After the break up I was flabbergasted. My Ex had a 1 month old baby when we first started dating. I accepted this and soon began to love the child as my own. I wanted to raise him as my own. Many men would have distanced from such a situation but I embraced the lifelong responsibility of supporting a child who was not mine. My house has 4 bedrooms so there was no problem in my mind. It would be tight but do-able. Obviously my ex did not feel the same way. When she left I told her that if she could give me a couple of years we could improve the situation. My daughter turns 18 the summer of 2010 and at that point $800 per month of stated mandated child support would be freed up. I could also ditch my fancy sports car and get something more modest and make other sacrifices to get enough money to build or buy a home with a separate living space. I also planned on sending my ex through school so she could improve her income and this would be a big help also. UNtil then yy Ex could turn my house into anything she wanted. The only thing she couldn't throw out was my Mom. She still was not interested. She did not want the stigma.... Having an elderly woman live with her was just not something that she could wrao her mind around. She left me for someone else and one of the reason's she gave was 'he had his own apt".

Although I understand her issues it is hard for me to accept that after all of the promises we made to each other about spending the rest of our lives together she could not bear with me for a couple of years. I guess the trials and tribulations of life only matter when they are your own personal problems. the funny thing is that since becoming pregnant 2 years ago she lives with her parents and due to the costs of child care etc she currently can not afford her own place unless she wanted to get room mates. Oh well it is what it is.

My advice to you would be this... don't toss away your relationship because your man feels an obligation to his family. I know the immediate problems put a tremendous amount of pressure on you but look at the big picture and give things some time to improve. the big thing is that she must decide to live again. That may take another 6 months or longer... who knows. but don't throw away the most important thing in your life over 6 months of stress. He can not give his whole life to babysitting his Mom ..she has to help here too ...along with his siblings, but he is trying to do the right thing for his Mother during a devastating time. That kind of character should count for something

Even though it is too late for me I hope this helps.

[vashti]

Gr8kabuki - I admire your feelings of responsibility for your mom. So many people abandon their elderly parents and leave them living in deplorable conditions, and the fact that you don't is testament to your quality. However, I'm not sure this poster is in a similar circumstance, because I don't believe she ever answered my questions about this woman's financial situation or mental/physical health.

Hopeful - there is no solution to your problem. Your man will not draw any boundaries. Quit blaming his mom - he's a big boy. You have to accept things as they are, or move on. Period.