Significant others contact with ex...

[Gigabitch]

It sounds like he doesn't have enough relationship experience to know this would be troublesome. Maybe you should give him a heads up that this looks pretty odd from the outside.

[Mish]

Ugh. My relationship isn't perfect but its pretty good. He makes me happier than I've ever been with a man. I KNOW he loves me. This is the only hard part of our relationship...

Yesterday my bf wanted to show me a text one of our mutual friends had sent him and was pulling it up in his phone, I was sitting right next to him waiting/watching him pull up the text. He had to scroll through his texts to find it. I see names of people who'd texted him, friends and the ex wife. Nothing out of the ordinary really but then I see a text from his ex girlfriend, who he last lived with. Like I said, deep down I know he loves me but this is the second time (that I've seen) its happened and everytime it hurts. Last time around New Years Eve, I saw an email from his ex about a computer question. It sets me back and pushes me away from him. Its just a check for me that I need to keep my guard up, just in case. I've been cheated on before and I never want to feel that horrible again.

I don't think anything you've described so far justifies the feelings that you get. You are talking about some very strong feelings, being hurt by seeing a text message from an ex? Pushing away from him when you see an ex asking a computer question? It seems like you reaction is disproportionate.

[Doc Durian]

Change the name of one of your female friends in your contact list to the name of one of your ex bf's. Tell her to send you a few messages asking about non romantic non hook up stuff.

Make sure he would know who she was if you spilled the beans.

Then show him a text or have him find a text on your phone.

See how he reacts.

If he reacts uncomfortably, spill the beans and explain that you didn't know how to show him how you've felt when seeing similar stuff on his phone and while it shouldn't bother you, it does on some level. That's who you are and can't help being territorial like that because you're totally in love with him and have been burnt in the past...

Also explain that it wasn't your initial idea, but from some bloke online at a message board devoted to love advice... whether good or bad, and he reckons actions speak louder than words..sometimes.

Print this out and show him, possibly.

If he has no issue with seeing the odd text from an ex, then don't bother bringing anything up. You have your answer.

[QueenofCorona]

I don't think anything you've described so far justifies the feelings that you get. You are talking about some very strong feelings, being hurt by seeing a text message from an ex? Pushing away from him when you see an ex asking a computer question? It seems like you reaction is disproportionate.

I guess you have to walk in my shoes to understand. I feel like I've turned the other cheek to the ex wife. Sucked certain things up and dealt with that and will continue to do so. I don't mind looking past it because I love him. But the ex girlfriend, to me thats asking a lot. They get to see eachother at work everyday. She sees him more than I do. I get him on the weekend (24 hours) and maybe a few hours during the week. I can't really describe it. And like I said, I don't go through his phone or his computer and don't want to. So maybe they text their balls off when I'm not around? I don't know. Maybe they **** on the side? I don't know. Its just a reality check that I may not be the only woman in his life.I was naive last time I was cheated on and believed what he said and real far that got me.

[Mish]

So maybe they text their balls off when I'm not around? I don't know. Maybe they **** on the side? I don't know.

You don't know, but at the same time you don't have any evidence to suggest that they do. If there are any justifications to your suspicion, then you are right to worry and it calls for action. But if there aren't any, then it could point to an insecurity. He could easily be not interacting with his ex as often as you think and only message her once every couple of months on friendly terms. If that's the case then you should examine your own feelings on the issue for any possibility of mismatch, they can do you a lot more harm than even him cheating on you.

[Incognito]

You don't know, but at the same time you don't have any evidence to suggest that they do. If there are any justifications to your suspicion, then you are right to worry and it calls for action. But if there aren't any, then it could point to an insecurity. He could easily be not interacting with his ex as often as you think and only message her once every couple of months on friendly terms. If that's the case then you should examine your own feelings on the issue for any possibility of mismatch, they can do you a lot more harm than even him cheating on you.

Unfortunately you don't find out if your worries are justified by simply guessing, or doing nothing. You have to take steps to confirm or disprove those worries. The simplest way is to ask about their dealings with one another and ask to view the content of their correspondence. He could be cheating just as easily as he could be doing nothing, especially since they work together. Lets not forget that cheating can also be physical or emotional. Reading between the lines it seems that you suggest that his personal freedom should not be undermined unless she has clear evidence that he's doing something wrong.

Thats a major problem that I see today regarding relationships. Everyone clings to their "personal freedom" to do self serving and somethimes insensitive things while in a relationship. When the other person calls them on it, complains, or otherwise tries to get them to change it they get thrown in the "insecure" category. When you're in a relationship it is up to both parties to put each other first, and to garner as much respect, love, and trust as possible (even if........dare I say it?........you have to do things that you may not necessarily want to...........oh, heaven forbid!) Calling your significant other insecure shows a lack of empathy, and a lack of concern. Frankly, when those people are given all the "personal freedom" they want the door is left open for cheating to actually happen because the person no longer feels like they have to explain any of their actions [because they are personal]. I'm in no way justifying TRULY INSECURE people's UNWARRANTED actions. I think that it would be absolutely ridiculous if you have to "check in" with your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse multiple times a day, have all your calls and messages screened by them. THAT is true insecurity. There is no excuse for that kind of behavior, unless someone had to prove themselves again (if they JUST cheated for instance).