What the hell is going on with this guy and me?!

[sunmoonstars]

I think a lot of you are misreading me.

I never believed that having sex with him would cause him to attach to me. I know some women think that but I am not one of those women.

In fact I expressed a concern that IF I keep having sex with him he might just continue to see me as only that, a FWB, whereas if I stopped the sex he might appreciate me more for who I am like he obviously did at the beginning of our friendship.

What I am wondering is, why did he so suddenly change his mind about wanting to be with me? A couple of you already said that you believe he really just doesn't want a girlfriend right now, and it's not just me. That makes sense. Another one of you said it was probably the whole open relationship thing that drove him away. That makes sense too. I am not trying to say, "Oh, he had sex with me, doesn't that mean he loves me?" I never thought that. I do think his behavior before we had sex proves that he had feelings for me at least at some point.

Also I guess I didn't make this clear, so sorry about that, but we had sex a few times, not once.

[Henry123]

It was obvious because he would ask me things on instant messenger like, "So what qualities attract you to a guy? So when you like a guy do you make the first move? What would a guy have to do to get you to like him?" etc. ....

It sounds very similar to lines used by pick up artists. No kidding

[sunmoonstars]

Okay I'm posting an update:

A couple days ago he was over my house and we were making out and cuddling. When he started getting horny with me and tried to stick his hand down my pants I said, "No." I told him why, I said, "because I would have to know that it would mean something to you."

He said, "We care about each other. What we're doing was never meaningless."

I said, "but do you have feelings for me?"

And he said, "Yes, I have feelings for you."

He was looking me in the eyes during this conversation. I told him I would have to stop the sex because I no longer wanted to have sex with any guy who was not my boyfriend. After I told him that he looked sad. Not just disappointed because he was horny, but sad.

A few moments passed. He said something like, "Well, you're the one who's in control now. Do you like that feeling of being in control?" But his tone was not angry. It was very conversational.

WTF does that mean? What that says to me is, "Yeah, btw I'm totally aware of these games we're playing."

He did say he has feelings for me though, and although he can be a pain in my ass, I know him and I really don't think he would lie to me.

On Monday I told him this and now it's Friday. He's still been texting/talking to me as much as ever. I am hoping he will realize what he is losing and come around. Or maybe he just really, really truly doesn't want any girlfriend right now.

I think his feelings for me are somewhere in between friendship and romantic love. Thoughts?

[amz]

Just be up front and honest with him. Ask him the things you are asking us. Tell him how u feel from the bottom of your heart.

[Yggdrasil]

A couple days ago he was over my house and we were making out and cuddling. When he started getting horny with me and tried to stick his hand down my pants I said, "No." I told him why, I said, "because I would have to know that it would mean something to you."

He said, "We care about each other. What we're doing was never meaningless."

I said, "but do you have feelings for me?"

And he said, "Yes, I have feelings for you."

He was looking me in the eyes during this conversation. I told him I would have to stop the sex because I no longer wanted to have sex with any guy who was not my boyfriend. After I told him that he looked sad. Not just disappointed because he was horny, but sad.

A few moments passed. He said something like, "Well, you're the one who's in control now. Do you like that feeling of being in control?" But his tone was not angry. It was very conversational.

WTF does that mean? What that says to me is, "Yeah, btw I'm totally aware of these games we're playing."

He did say he has feelings for me though, and although he can be a pain in my ass, I know him and I really don't think he would lie to me.

On Monday I told him this and now it's Friday. He's still been texting/talking to me as much as ever. I am hoping he will realize what he is losing and come around. Or maybe he just really, really truly doesn't want any girlfriend right now.

I think his feelings for me are somewhere in between friendship and romantic love. Thoughts?

Hm, interesting.

Seems like he does have more than physical attraction to you.

He's still in touch isn't he? And he did respect your 'no'.

He also affirmed that you are in control of the relation now. I think that may be a problem for him, since his previous g/f seemed to be a controlling one.

Maybe you should have a talk with him about that (the control thing).

I could be wrong, but I also could be onto something.

[misombra]

i don't know. i have learned to believe guys when they say they don't want a relationship. if that is what you want from him, which it sounds like you do, then quit giving it up.

he sounds like a control junkie. i think if he really liked you, he would have been very happy to hear that you love him and want him to be the only one. but he wanted to do the control thing and game playing. that's a humongous red flag.

[IndiReloaded]

He said something like, "Well, you're the one who's in control now. Do you like that feeling of being in control?" But his tone was not angry. It was very conversational.

Its not a nice comment he made. His statement tells me he resents your new boundaries. Tough.

Tho, I will say I find your actions confusing. So, you'll make out with him but stop short of sex? I think he's just biding his time figuring you'll give in eventually. And I think he's right unless you cut him off entirely. Friends definitely don't ****, but they don't make out either.

[sunmoonstars]

Its not a nice comment he made. His statement tells me he resents your new boundaries. Tough.

Tho, I will say I find your actions confusing. So, you'll make out with him but stop short of sex? I think he's just biding his time figuring you'll give in eventually. And I think he's right unless you cut him off entirely. Friends definitely don't ****, but they don't make out either.

Yes, but I also figure people who date but are not in a relationship will make out but not necessarily have sex. At least in the old-fashioned sense.

[sunmoonstars]

Hm, interesting.

Seems like he does have more than physical attraction to you.

He's still in touch isn't he? And he did respect your 'no'.

He also affirmed that you are in control of the relation now. I think that may be a problem for him, since his previous g/f seemed to be a controlling one.

Maybe you should have a talk with him about that (the control thing).

I could be wrong, but I also could be onto something.

Yes, he is still in touch with me. Still the one initiating most of our contact.

I've been considering talking to him about the control thing. It bothers me too that he said that and I don't want him to have the wrong idea.

[IndiReloaded]

Well SunMoon, all I can say is that I never did what you're doing and it got me a husband & loads of self-respect. I'd never let myself do what you're doing with this guy.

So, take a look at your goal and decide if your actions are consistent with getting that goal. If you don't mind being used as a fuk-friend, then carry on. If you do mind, then you need to change your behaviour.

[all alone]

Okay, i don't want to come across as harsh or anything, and it shouldnt be taken this way, but here is how i see your situation. This guy obviously was head over heals for you originally, and u kept him at friends length at first. Up to there you played it fine, but once you started waiting/doing more without wanting a monogamous relationship you were leading him on. Thats where you went wrong, knowing that wasn't what he wanted. Its hard with hormones flying and everything, i can relate.. you make decisions that arn't best for your friendship.

So pretty much, u lead this guy on and then told him it wasn't going to happen, so he was probably lot more crushed then you think. I know i would be. Now, where you stand now: Before i even read your second post, i knew he still had feelings for you. After you spend so much time trying get a girl like he did, you don't just forget her overnight. And you are not a rebound for some other girl. Quite the opposite, he was trying to see someone else in order to get over you, but it obviously didn't work out.

Now he's left there no sure if he should put himself out there for you, because he has doubts about putting his feelings on the line again, as he did the first time just to get hurt again. He still has feelings, hes just confused about what to do. Which is why you two are still close, because he still feels it.

I agree with others it's not in your best interest (or his) to keep sleeping together, but give him some time and see where things go. Maybe he needs a little more time to see how things are between the two of you. He's probably afraid you will change your opinion on relationships again really quickly.

Just a thought from someone who has been in a couple situations w friends involved =\

[Lite]

First off, I want to know what happened to you in your past that has you emotionally screwed up enough to be seriously interested in Poly. I don't think I've ever met any poly person that didn't have some huge trauma in their past and therefore trust issues, or some sort of severe chemical imbalance/depression issue.

Pretty much Poly is nice on paper, but what people really use it for is to keep from having to place all of their trust in one person to help hold up their relationship. That if they dine a little here, and a little there (emotional grazing) that no one person will get enough face time with them to realize how screwed up and difficult to date they really are up front before there is a huge emotional involvement.

But, those people tend to be just as screwed up too, so it's this gigantic circle of ****ed up drama, social incest, and backstabbing in the end.

Now that I've said that...

He said he wanted a relationship with you, you said you couldn't be monogamous. Things fell apart, were put back together, you slept together, developed feelings. You decided you could "settle" with being monogamous, he feels he can't necessarily trust you to remain that way... Oh, and then there's the part where he really has feelings for you now, has just broken up with his ex, and doesn't really want you to end up being his rebound relationship.

So, does that answer your question?

As for you having the power... You're the woman, you always have the power. Women are pretty much the deciding gender when it comes to getting laid. They truly can go out and find someone to sleep with them at any time. Men? Not so much... And women outnumber men by 2 percent on the planet.

His comment wasn't nice, or respectful. Likely he felt insulted that you didn't want to sleep with him, and he retaliated verbally. Which, to be rather frank... is normal.

How did my wife so painfully word this to me years ago when I made an unwanted pass at her after we had broken up... "Women have often remarked that once you cross the line and boff a boy, it's very difficult to get him to not try and cross that line again. That he continue to do so is not only inadvisable, but unwelcome."

Granted, years later we're now married, but the point is still a very valid one.

[sunmoonstars]

Okay, i don't want to come across as harsh or anything, and it shouldnt be taken this way, but here is how i see your situation. This guy obviously was head over heals for you originally, and u kept him at friends length at first. Up to there you played it fine, but once you started waiting/doing more without wanting a monogamous relationship you were leading him on. Thats where you went wrong, knowing that wasn't what he wanted. Its hard with hormones flying and everything, i can relate.. you make decisions that arn't best for your friendship.

So pretty much, u lead this guy on and then told him it wasn't going to happen, so he was probably lot more crushed then you think. I know i would be. Now, where you stand now: Before i even read your second post, i knew he still had feelings for you. After you spend so much time trying get a girl like he did, you don't just forget her overnight. And you are not a rebound for some other girl. Quite the opposite, he was trying to see someone else in order to get over you, but it obviously didn't work out.

Now he's left there no sure if he should put himself out there for you, because he has doubts about putting his feelings on the line again, as he did the first time just to get hurt again. He still has feelings, hes just confused about what to do. Which is why you two are still close, because he still feels it.

I agree with others it's not in your best interest (or his) to keep sleeping together, but give him some time and see where things go. Maybe he needs a little more time to see how things are between the two of you. He's probably afraid you will change your opinion on relationships again really quickly.

Just a thought from someone who has been in a couple situations w friends involved =

Hey thanks, this was also one of my theories. I'm just wondering how I can prove to him that I will be faithful to him. I think you're saying I just need to give it time, right? I recently nonchalantly told him that I wanted a guy who could give me something serious, one guy only. He said something like, "Wow, you really changed your mind." And he seemed to believe me.

As far as that other girl he dated, that's exactly what I think as well. I think he was using her to get over me. She was never actually his girlfriend, they were just dating and having sex with no strings. When he found out she was looking to get married and have kids he broke it off. Neither him nor I are anywhere near wanting that.

I feel kind of shitty about breaking off the sex with him. I really didn't want to, I just thought it might make him come around. I hope he doesn't feel like I gave him an ultimatum, like I'm demanding him to be my boyfriend or else. I very clearly said, "I don't want to do this with any guy who is not boyfriend." I didn't say, "I don't want to do this with you unless you'll be my boyfriend."

The guys I talk to at work also believe he still cares for me and are advising me to give him space for a while, to not hang out every time he asks and to not answer all his calls. This sounds logical to me because it's making it safer for him to come towards me again. I'd be interested to hear your opinion on this.

[sunmoonstars]

Also, "all_alone", why do you think he doesn't want a girlfriend right now? I know his life got a lot busier a couple months after I rejected him. He told me his life was so busy and demanding that he had to have dating me the only fun part left. I know him and he would not lie. He would tell me directly if it was just me he didn't want.

[misombra]

my crystal ball says that this will end in pain and embarrassment.