Boyfriend wants a break

[elco69]

give him his space, he may be feeling smothered by you. He doesnt have to hang out with your friends. Men enjoying being men and the only way they can do that is when they are alone or with other guys. Give him his space and if he cares about you and wants you in his life, he will come back or slowly reinclude you back into his life, if he doesn't then you need to move on.

[starlete123]

I'm just paranoid he's trying to play the field and possibly hook up with girls or something. It's fine to flirt to figure out if you still want someone but we agreed no dating or hooking up. It's just hard to believe him with the lying and all. I think for me he DOES need to hang out with my friends sometimes. I've never had a bf in my entire life tell me he had no interest in meeting any of my friends. He said it was bc the ones I meet here are only temporary but ten went on to tell me he has avoided previous gfs friends too. It's not like I'm asking him to a pow wow with my 5 girlfriends, I'm asking him to parties or drinks at the bar, etc with all kinds of people. Im sorry, I don't think never hanging out with each other friends is a normal relationship and certainly not one I'll be happy in. And it's certainly not conducive or supportive of me making my and keeping my own friends here. It just adds stress.

[smackie9]

If you want it to work, then back off and leave him alone. Not every "break" means a potential break up. How the hell can he clear his head with you nattering at him? We can all take a stab at what might be going on with him, but what is going on with him should be none of your concern for now....you need focus your energy and work on what is going on with you. If things don't work out, oh well , at least you have made corrections about yourself so your next relationship's problems don't end up on here again.

[starlete123]

Thank you... You're right. It's just so hard to be in this position. He also randomly talks to me over email.. Even today after I told him yesterday if he wants space then I can't chit chat with him bc it just makes me miss him and want him around. But then he still wants the physical space from me.

[smackie9]

Stop focusing on the negative, and concentrate on the positive things in your life whether it big or small...evey bit helps.

[bulrush]

I'm going to give you some comments, not to be mean, but to show you what things you can work on to improve yourself.

I felt he was always lying to me and turns out I was right - though, he was only lying about very small things that I imagined were much worse

I think you are being a bit over reactive here.

but I guess he didn't want to make me worry so lied about it. Making him an idiot.

Nope. He lied because he knows you would over react. He's not an idiot.

And then he asked if I care if he went to live sex shows (without me). I kind of flipped and said, I would definitely go WITH him but would definitely not be comfortable if he is going by himself.

You are over reacting again.

He said its because he sees me too much and we talk too much, and all of my accusations about his lies make him not attracted to me.

I don't blame him for not being attracted to someone who flips out over minor things.

This seemed like a big red flag to me, and its something difficult for me to let go - this didn't seem like some random hypothetical question he was asking

You need to learn when to let things go.

I obviously freaked out (stupid I know) and was naggy and needy please dont leave me blah blah blah.

Your neediness is a sign of over reaction.

I am obviously a blithering mess over this guy....

Because you LET yourself be a mess over this guy.

I suggest you get professional counseling and tell them honestly what happened. That's just for a start.

[RdHrshyKss]

from your original post and subsequent posts my gut feeling is that you two are not compatible. different people need different things. you enjoy spending time with your partner and sharing your life with him, sharing friends, nights out together as a couple etc. he enjoys his freedom, likes being more independent, doing things alone, etc. you won't be happy staying in this relationship. and i don't think you should go and try to change yourself and your nature for this guy. just find someone who feels the same way you do.

i dated a guy for 5 years who was like your bf. liked going out and doing his own thing all the time and i wasn't happy because i'm the opposite. he would also lie to me about small shit too to avoid "hurting" me, although any genius would realize that it hurts more to find out that you were lied to than to have been told the uncomfortable truth to begin with. anyways, we eventually broke up and now i'm with someone who is just like me. enjoys spending time with me, sharing experiences with me, hanging out with friends as a couple etc. he gives me the kind of affection i want/need and vice versa. it's great and there is nothing wrong about it because we are both happy. i didn't have to change myself. he loves me for me. you can find that too.

it sounds like staying in this relationship will just make you miserable. the fact that he has lied to you about stuff is no good. he shouldn't lie to you about anything, and if he feels he has to, then it just reiterates that you guys aren't right together.

if you feel you will be a lot happier by expanding your own circle of friends, then do it. but not for this guy. do it for yourself. and if your anxiety has been an issue in past relationships, or if you have always had trust issues with past bf's, then take some time to reflect on that. figure out why you have those issues and develop ways to avoid behaving like that in future relationships. if you need some guidance, then look for a professional who can assist you. but in the end, i don't think you should be with this guy. he isn't right for you and you aren't right for him. you are on two different sides of the spectrum and would be better off with different people.

[FatandLonely]

A break means he wants to end the relationship IME.

Just end it for him, don't speak to him again.

I know it hurts but you won't regret my suggested action in the long term

Get brave dump him.

[starlete123]

Thanks for all your responses. To Bullrush, I think some of your points make sense but in general I didn't always overreact. I do now to find out that yet again he told another lie. And my original post said "small" things but some of them aren't as I mentioned in a subsequent post. Some are lying about who he was with for an entire evening. Also about the live sex show - him asking wasn't the problem. It was that he was asking me as though he was doing it and trying to find out if this counted as lying. Obviously he would have had to tell me he was going somewhere else other than a sex show if he felt he didn't have to tell me right? That's lying. That was my whole problem about it. He said he never went though after he saw why I was upset and realized I thought he had lied again. I hope that is the truth though. Also, I did see a psychologist here and he basically told me everything I'm experiencing with my bf is typical for "western" girls dating Japanese men. He basically said he will probably always lie to you and very good chance he's doing worse. I stopped going to him though bc I felt this was a little racist to encompass everyone's behavior and experiences the same just because I'm white, he's Japanese, and our problems sound similar to similar couples. We are still different people. The doctor basically blamed my bf though and said we just aren't culturally compatible. I think this advice was very short sighted though and didn't address any of the problems that have been happening (both on my end and my bfs).

Totally agree to RdHrshyKss. Just feels more hopeless here bc I have less options and my bf constantly tells me he doesn't want some totally independent life but then he flips out randomly and goes off doing his own thing and practically ignores me.

[smackie9]

Live sex show...is that just stripper twirling on a pole? of is that actual people having sex?

[starlete123]

People having sex. And in Japan it is usually audience participatory... He said he's never been and doesn't even know where they are in Japan (which is a possible lie bc I know they exist... And I have a good idea where they are though it's not commonplace). So who knows.

Everything except organized paid intercourse is legal in Japan. But, intercourse is legal if it's through "private arrangement". Lots of bj parlors, soaplands, hostess clubs (which are just talking actually), sex clubs, etc. all around. So yes people, this is the kind of possibilities I'm dealing with. Not the usual safe world of just strippers you might be thinking of.


Marriages here are sometimes not for love so... Lots of married people have extramarital affairs and it's almost culturally acceptable. I think this was much worse in the past as it is now and of course this is not every Japanese person. My bf says this is why he isn't married yet bc he believes in 1 person. But I really struggle with this idea given how the culture seems to be from a foreigners outside view sometimes. I realize I may be overly paranoid but as the psychologist told me, what I've been experiencing as a western female here is quite normal and common to have concerns about. This is why all the lying no matter how small gets blown out of proportion. It's hard for me to believe its just small things...

[smackie9]

You have all this in North America too. Some of it is not so out in the open but is available pretty much anywhere. So I don't think is a cultural difference, just wrong choice of BF.

[starlete123]

No no you don't understand. This is in the open. I think it changes things a lot and how people think of things. I'm not saying it doesn't exist in other places by any means but it definitely changes the cultural dynamics when it's almost acceptable. But I'm not saying I even think he's doing any of this. Just that all of this makes possible normal relationship problems blow up into something worse. I don't think he would deal with all this for this long if he was just some sleazy guy. I think he could find a Japanese girl who would never question any of this bc she's either doing it herself and/or was raised with it around her and knows at least how to handle it/deal with it. I don't think he would go so far now to prove how he only believes in 1 person etc. but the whole comment about sex shows really threw me off.....

Of course in general I want to be sure I'm with someone who really does have the same beliefs instead of someone who may have been culturally trained to think a little lying and cheating is totally fine... Sure people anywhere can have all kinds of relationships but in my culture - you are honest about your needs whatever they may be, and a little lying and cheating is not acceptable (even if some people do it anyway). This is a fundamental difference I am struggling with when it comes to believing him and trusting him. It's not as simple as just comparing whether or not the same things exist in different places.

[smackie9]

Well if you have to beg for sex or the sex has run dry, it's not looking good or worth waiting around for. What so he comes back and says the right things to you? That works for you? All you are doing is going around in circles telling yourself this isn't working, but the next second you say it has to work....Me personally, I would just blow out of this pop stand.

[starlete123]

Yea.... I think ignoring that there could be cultural differences than a lot of Bullrushs post is applicable. I think I'll give him the space, think about things myself, and if he wants back in then I'll try again but end it if he reverts back to his ways even after I calm down and stop accusing....