Attracted to Rejection

[Illusional]

roller... were you referring to me??

raverboy

[Rollerderby]

No I was referring to Mish. I understood perfectly what you meant ;-) What I wanted Mish to specify was what kind of work he was thinking I had to do.

I mean, you know, Ben Franklin once said something along the lines of how he would work on different flaws he perceived within himself only to discover the ones he had previously worked on had backslided. In other words, people don't change. I'm not really looking to change myself, I like myself, I just want someone that I like to like me too.

I once, in my younger more naive days, tried to change myself for a guy that I was into. Did not work, and I ended up feeling more like a bag of shit than I think I would have had I just recognized he was only interested in me physically and moved on. Or, you know, romped around and moved on.

But Mish, are you referring to internal re-arranging or something along the lines of "The Game" for women?

[Mish]

But Mish, are you referring to internal re-arranging or something along the lines of "The Game" for women?

There are many components to that, but mainly it comes down to self development. An extensive self development at that. Looking for ways to enhance your communication skills, understanding, empathy. How you talk to people, are you coming off as desperate or needy when interacting with guys you are attracted to? Being more in touch with other people's wants and needs. Being more specific to what the people you are interested in look for. Part of that may be enhancement of appearance.

But like you said, there is only that much you can do to self develop. Sometimes it's good to accept that some people are just outside of our league and there's nothing we can do to be with them. Sometimes it's good to lower your standards to allow others more opportunities to reveal if they are compatible on other levels. And ofcourse, there's nothing wrong with being single if the above are not the options.

[BillyJean]

one day, a few years ago, an incredibly sharp man made (gentle) fun of me at a dinner table saying that I had "the eyes that ask for love".
It was like I was struck by lightning. After a lifetime of trying not to be too needy or clingy, of concentrating about personal growth etc, of not giving the outer signs of being kind of desperate for a relationship (which at times I was), my subconscious was sending messages through my eyes, and guys (many of them) took the run. Do you think you could have anything like that going for you?
Otherwise, also bad luck (=bad karma) can be a reality of which you have no fault..

[starbuck]

Ok, this repsonse might seem ridiculously simplistic, but maybe you just haven't found the right guy.

I felt "terminally single" like you describe for a long time. I also dated a long string of people who weren't right for me in an effort to try and combat the singledom. I had thoughts much like you, "Why am I still single?" and the like (I'm 37), and could never really come up with an answer. But to be honest, I think I just hadn't met the right person.

My current boyfriend is SO right for me it's scary. And he feels the same way about me. It could be just a timing thing, Roller.

[lastwish]

Short answer is:

The guys you are attracted to are out of your league and the guys who are attracted to you are out of yours.


Meaning there are two things you can do if you no longer wish to be single. You can raise your value by becoming more of what those who are out of your league want (which will be hard work). Or you can lower your standards.

I disagree with that statement Mish. I agree with you on the bit about self improvement. But I think attraction and value is a subjective thing. One person might find her unattractive but another might find her to be long term material.

[ecojeanne]

Note: I'm attractive, intelligent and fun to be around. I am not a stuck up bitch by any means, I'm kind of quirky, and while I seem to have a lot of men(and women) respect me and like me

how do you know this for sure?

[Mish]

I disagree with that statement Mish. I agree with you on the bit about self improvement. But I think attraction and value is a subjective thing. One person might find her unattractive but another might find her to be long term material.

Attraction is only subjective to a point lastwish. For example I don't know anyone who are attracted to stupid, insecure or abusive people. Sure there are probably a small number of people who would find that attractive, but not the vast majority.

You can in fact place a value on most human traits, level of intelligence, level of security, level of generosity and empathy. There is a certain level and combination that most people will find attractive, so attraction can be both objective and subjective.

[Naples]

You sound just like me!!! I agree with CharlieBoy, if a guy is interested in you--then you figure he must not be THAT great. So you strive for more... Also, it's the 'grass is greener' syndrome... You are afraid to settle for someone, for fear that someone better may come along and heaven forbid you are committed to the first guy and miss your opportunity to be with the superior one!

Whatever you do--DONT reach into your bag of past rejects and pull one out to settle on. Just be aware of this issue in your head when you meet eligible men in the future...and try to avoid dumping them for petty reasons. Relish in his attention and affection for you, instead of overanalyzing and searching for a reason to call it quits.

Best of luck!! :-)

[lastwish]

You can in fact place a value on most human traits, level of intelligence, level of security, level of generosity and empathy. There is a certain level and combination that most people will find attractive, so attraction can be both objective and subjective.

There are many forms of intelligence, generosity, security, etc. Intelligence can mean social intelligence, street smart, academic intelligence (to just name a few). Generosity which entails giving away something to another person can mean giving out gifts, willing to forgive someone, or willing to offer help in other ways. Security can mean financial security or just someone who is loyal. And empathy alone can also be limited to one's experiences.

In addition, one may place a higher value on one form of intelligence than another form, or one form of generosity higher than another form of generosity, etc. For example, someone might place a higher value on one's success in academics and career than on social intelligence (which is someone's ability to relate and function in a social setting). And small differences like that can make a huge difference in one's choice of partners. You can make a similar argument with "generosity".

I think it is great that people will make self improvement as one of their main goals in life but I think they should do it in their own terms and by their own version of improvement.

[Rollerderby]

how do you know this for sure?

well.. unfortunately since you don't know me, there is nothing I can say that's objective that will prove or disprove it, now is there?

I guess you're just going to have to take my word on this.

[Rollerderby]

You sound just like me!!! I agree with CharlieBoy, if a guy is interested in you--then you figure he must not be THAT great. So you strive for more... Also, it's the 'grass is greener' syndrome... You are afraid to settle for someone, for fear that someone better may come along and heaven forbid you are committed to the first guy and miss your opportunity to be with the superior one!

Whatever you do--DONT reach into your bag of past rejects and pull one out to settle on. Just be aware of this issue in your head when you meet eligible men in the future...and try to avoid dumping them for petty reasons. Relish in his attention and affection for you, instead of overanalyzing and searching for a reason to call it quits.

Best of luck!! :-)

Haha, don't reach into the past (guilty of doing that before... and yes mistake) When I first posted this post, I had gone on a date quite recently with a guy that truthfully I just wasn't feeling it with. I don't know why I blamed myself, because we just didn't have that spark. But I felt so weird because there was nothing wrong with him exteriorly. I had met him a few times before we went out but it's like it was just blah... and so I was worried I was being too picky...

[Mish]

There are many forms of intelligence, generosity, security, etc. Intelligence can mean social intelligence, street smart, academic intelligence (to just name a few). Generosity which entails giving away something to another person can mean giving out gifts, willing to forgive someone, or willing to offer help in other ways. Security can mean financial security or just someone who is loyal. And empathy alone can also be limited to one's experiences.

And everyone of the above has a level. For example, there is a level of academic intelligence, there is a level of social intelligence, there is a level of street smart intelligence. Just because there are different types, doesn't mean you still can't assign a value to each and every single one of them. And most often, inside of our minds that's exactly what we do, sometimes without even thinking.

In addition, one may place a higher value on one form of intelligence than another form, or one form of generosity higher than another form of generosity, etc. For example, someone might place a higher value on one's success in academics and career than on social intelligence (which is someone's ability to relate and function in a social setting). And small differences like that can make a huge difference in one's choice of partners. You can make a similar argument with "generosity".

I think it is great that people will make self improvement as one of their main goals in life but I think they should do it in their own terms and by their own version of improvement.

That's absolutely right. Though, the more self improvement the person makes, the better their chances of finding a good partner. There is a direct correlation between the two.

It also still doesn't mean that there aren't people outside of our league (of certain level of income / attraction / intelligence) that we will never have a chance with. Many people may dream of George Clooney / Brad Pitt / Angelina Jolie, doesn't mean they will have a chance with them if they ever met them in real life.

[lastwish]

And everyone of the above has a level. For example, there is a level of academic intelligence, there is a level of social intelligence, there is a level of street smart intelligence. Just because there are different types, doesn't mean you still can't assign a value to each and every single one of them. And most often, inside of our minds that's exactly what we do, sometimes without even thinking.

Sure, you can compare two of the same specific qualities side by side and assign a value next to them. I'll give you that. But can you safely assign values to people? People are way to complicated to be mathematically calculated to a simple value. I think you can assign a value in a veryspecific context and if you add in that it is a subjective value (and not everyone else's). For example, you can say someone is not a "good" husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend for you but you can't say they are unvaluable people or not a good lover for someone else. Likewise, when you are saying someone is out of your league, you are pigeonholing yourself to a value that is supposedly an universal indicator for attractiveness. And that, I think is wrong and self-depreciative.

It also still doesn't mean that there aren't people outside of our league (of certain level of income / attraction / intelligence) that we will never have a chance with. Many people may dream of George Clooney / Brad Pitt / Angelina Jolie, doesn't mean they will have a chance with them if they ever met them in real life.

Some people do worshop celebrities and wish they will have chance to be their lover. But others do not. I for one, see George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie as mere actors/actresses who are relatively successful and in the case of Brad and Angelina they are concern with humanitarian affairs. I have never dreamed or even thought of wanting to date or marry them. I would rather marry a successful lawyer or doctor then a successful actor. But some people will surely disagree with me on that.

I think categories like attractiveness, good boyfriend/girlfriend or good husband/wife material, etc are too broad to assign an objective value to them. You can assign subjective values, but you can't safely say it applies to everyone else.

[Mish]

Sure, you can compare two of the same specific qualities side by side and assign a value next to them. I'll give you that. But can you safely assign values to people? People are way to complicated to be mathematically calculated to a simple value.

And yet, this is how it works. The moment a person opens their mouth and says something rude or stupid their value is instantly depreciated and you no longer want to be near them.

So yes, we can assign values to people. We do it everyday.

I think you can assign a value in a veryspecific context and if you add in that it is a subjective value (and not everyone else's). For example, you can say someone is not a "good" husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend for you but you can't say they are unvaluable people or not a good lover for someone else. Likewise, when you are saying someone is out of your league, you are pigeonholing yourself to a value that is supposedly an universal indicator for attractiveness. And that, I think is wrong and self-depreciative.

First of all I never said there are invaluable people. Ofcourse someone is valuable in their own special way, it's just a question of how much and how useful. Sure they will be a good match for someone else, but how many someone elses will they be good for is the real question. The more attractive qualities they have the better their chances will be.

Second saying someone is outside of your league is not self-depreciating, it's realistic. What we do has to be grounded in some form of reality. I brought actors and actresses as an example because I can safely say that no matter how hard you tried to attract George Clooney you will fail.

Some people do worshop celebrities and wish they will have chance to be their lover. But others do not. I for one, see George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie as mere actors/actresses who are relatively successful and in the case of Brad and Angelina they are concern with humanitarian affairs. I have never dreamed or even thought of wanting to date or marry them. I would rather marry a successful lawyer or doctor then a successful actor. But some people will surely disagree with me on that.

And what makes you think you will be able to attract a successful lawyer or doctor? What makes you think a successful lawyer or doctor would be attracted to you? What have you got to offer them that they can't get anywhere else?