boyfriend jealous of best friend/ ex

[carl1222]

Sorry, my dear, but your bf has a total right to be upset. You're taking the 'best friend' thing too far. I mean, my best GIRL friend and I don't get cell phone plans together.

If you and the ex are so close, date HIM. No man you're in a relationship with is going to be cool with having you and an ex hanging out like so-called 'buddies' and calling each other best friends. Even the guys here are telling you this. They're guys. They know.

I don't see how YOU don't see how silly your behaviour is.

Her mind is made up and she's not listening, blue. I guess she'll have to learn the hard way when her boyfriend gets fed up and dumps her a**. Or maybe not because she'll do the same with the next one, and he'll dump her too. Then she'll find a doormat who WILL put up with it, but she'll dump him because he's such a wuss in other ways too. Then she'll get bitter and say that all guys are either jealous fools or wimps, never realizing it's HER fault. Finally, she'll get back with her ex ... and they will eventually break up for the same reason they broke up in the first place.

Carl.

[pinkpolkadot]

It's amazing how you can pick up on 1% of my post and ignore the other 99%. You are also amazingly adept at ignoring any objection to what you or doing, and dismissing your boyfriend's feelings about it.

But I have news for you, pink. There is NO MAN in the world (except a total doormat) who would accept that level of closeness with an ex. To say that you would ultimately accept it if your boyfriend went to see his ex-girlfriend 2-3 times a week alone at her home ... you are lying, either to us or yourself. So you haven't really made your choice yet ... either give up this level of closeness with your ex or give up any hope of a committed relationship with your boyfriend or anyone else.

Carl.

ps ... you wouldn't want to see what we would be advising your boyfriend if he were the one coming here for help.

sorry. i wasnt trying to ignore the rest of what you said, that was just the one part that bothered me.

i'm not trying to ignore my boyfriends feelings, i'm trying to figure out whats best for everyone involved in this. my boyfriend has told me several times he hates living an hour away on base, that he wishes he was as close to me as my ex is. but he's not allowed to live off base yet. and this is kinda sad, but i don't really have any other friends other than my ex. i never was popular or a people person, so just hanging with him is what i do. and my ex has a lot of problems (both mentally and physically), which my boyfriend knows, and his friends dont help him because they just go out and drink.

i'm not asking him to accept it. i just want him to understand it. and im not lying. if he wants to hang out with her during the week when i can't be there with him, then the next best thing would be to hang out with his best friend. and i would want to get to know her too. but then again, i've been through this situation before, and i wasn't cheated on. so maybe i'm just a little to comfortable with the situation.

i guess this situation is a lot more complicated than what it seems.

[misombra]

if i were him, i would not even deal with it.

[Mish]

and this is kinda sad, but i don't really have any other friends other than my ex. i never was popular or a people person, so just hanging with him is what i do.

So it is a YOU problem.

You girl need to get yourself more friends to hang out with and distance yourself from your ex.

[carl1222]

sorry. i wasnt trying to ignore the rest of what you said, that was just the one part that bothered me.

i'm not trying to ignore my boyfriends feelings, i'm trying to figure out whats best for everyone involved in this. my boyfriend has told me several times he hates living an hour away on base, that he wishes he was as close to me as my ex is. but he's not allowed to live off base yet. and this is kinda sad, but i don't really have any other friends other than my ex. i never was popular or a people person, so just hanging with him is what i do. and my ex has a lot of problems (both mentally and physically), which my boyfriend knows, and his friends dont help him because they just go out and drink.

i'm not asking him to accept it. i just want him to understand it. and im not lying. if he wants to hang out with her during the week when i can't be there with him, then the next best thing would be to hang out with his best friend. and i would want to get to know her too. but then again, i've been through this situation before, and i wasn't cheated on. so maybe i'm just a little to comfortable with the situation.

i guess this situation is a lot more complicated than what it seems.

You know, pink ... very early in your thread I suggested 2 ways that you could maintain your friendship while still being sensitive to your boyfriend's feelings ... don't meet your ex on weekend nights and don't hang with him at your place or his. These seem like simple suggestions to bring your friendship with your ex within the boundaries of appropriate behavior for someone in a committed relationship. But if you are going out with your ex on a Friday night, and hanging out at his house (or yours) 2 evenings a week, then you are just fanning your boyfriend's insecurity ... and for what?

If your ex is just your best friend, then why not meet him for an hour at the local Starbuck's on Tuesdays and Thursdays after school? It really shouldn't matter to you or your ex as friends, and will make your boyfriend feel much better because he won't be wondering why you and your ex have to be in private to enjoy a simple friendship.

Carl.

[pinkpolkadot]

You know, pink ... very early in your thread I suggested 2 ways that you could maintain your friendship while still being sensitive to your boyfriend's feelings ... don't meet your ex on weekend nights and don't hang with him at your place or his. These seem like simple suggestions to bring your friendship with your ex within the boundaries of appropriate behavior for someone in a committed relationship. But if you are going out with your ex on a Friday night, and hanging out at his house (or yours) 2 evenings a week, then you are just fanning your boyfriend's insecurity ... and for what?

If your ex is just your best friend, then why not meet him for an hour at the local Starbuck's on Tuesdays and Thursdays after school? It really shouldn't matter to you or your ex as friends, and will make your boyfriend feel much better because he won't be wondering why you and your ex have to be in private to enjoy a simple friendship.

Carl.

I would meet him at the starbucks except I have night classes this quarter so by the time that I leave school and get to the right subway station for my best friend to pick me up, it's 10:30-11pm. Not very many places are open that late at night. That's why we hang out at each others houses.

oh yeah, and I don't hang out with him on the weekends. That's when my boyfriend comes and we hang out.

[Mish]

I would meet him at the starbucks except I have night classes this quarter so by the time that I leave school and get to the right subway station for my best friend to pick me up, it's 10:30-11pm. Not very many places are open that late at night. That's why we hang out at each others houses.

A big, BIG no no

Hanging out with your ex at night at your and his houses? Come on!

[pinkpolkadot]

A big, BIG no no

and where exactly are we supposed to hang out then?

[Mish]

and where exactly are we supposed to hang out then?

In the email inbox


You are playing with your boyfriend's trust, if you continue you are not going to have a boyfriend

[pinkpolkadot]

In the email inbox


You are playing with your boyfriend's trust, if you continue you are not going to have a boyfriend

if i could, i would give it a shot.

[the piece]

if you really love your boyfriend then you should be spending more time with him. Distance yourself from your ex, and dont think about him.

[carl1222]

I would meet him at the starbucks except I have night classes this quarter so by the time that I leave school and get to the right subway station for my best friend to pick me up, it's 10:30-11pm. Not very many places are open that late at night. That's why we hang out at each others houses.

oh yeah, and I don't hang out with him on the weekends. That's when my boyfriend comes and we hang out.

Ohhh ... in an earlier post you said you met your ex on random Friday nights. By "weekend nights" I meant the traditional weekend date nights ... Friday and Saturday night.

You say your goal is to make your boyfriend feel less jealous. Meeting your ex at 11 pm and going to your house or his house has the opposite effect. Do you mean that you are willing to cause contention in your relationship because you don't want to be inconvenienced by finding a late night diner to go to?

The point is, as I said before, it's all about perception. It's far less suspicious to have your friend dropping you off at home after spending time with you at a neutral and public place. One of the main components of jealousy is opportunity ... you should not be alone where either of you has a bed!

It's a nice ideal to think he should just trust you ... but you seem to be going out of your way to make it appear that you are fooling around. Are you testing your boyfriend?

Carl.

[Mish]

if i could, i would give it a shot.

You can, you just don't want to

There is a HUGE difference

[pinkpolkadot]

Ohhh ... in an earlier post you said you met your ex on random Friday nights. By "weekend nights" I meant the traditional weekend date nights ... Friday and Saturday night.

You say your goal is to make your boyfriend feel less jealous. Meeting your ex at 11 pm and going to your house or his house has the opposite effect. Do you mean that you are willing to cause contention in your relationship because you don't want to be inconvenienced by finding a late night diner to go to?

The point is, as I said before, it's all about perception. It's far less suspicious to have your friend dropping you off at home after spending time with you at a neutral and public place. One of the main componants of jealousy is opportunity.

It's a nice ideal to think he should just trust you ... but you seem to be going out of your way to make it appear that you are fooling around. Are you testing your boyfriend?

Carl.

sorry. guess i misunderstood weekend nights. we do hang out on random friday nights, like tomorrow we're celebrating my birthday which is on saturday but im spending my actual birthday with my boyfriend.

i understand that meeting him that late at night looks bad, but it's not like that. if i didn't have a 4 hour night class then i would most definately move it up so it didn't look like that. that's basically the available time slot and we're trying to make it work. sometimes he doesn't even stay, he just drops me off. there aren't really any places open around here at 11. we just go to each others houses to watch movies. that seems pretty harmless to me.

i'm not testing him. and i'm not fooling around. like i said i don't do it cause i find it pointless.

on a side note, thanks to everyone who's posted. i may be a pain in the ass but i do appreciate everyones input. thanks again.

[pinkpolkadot]

You can, you just don't want to

There is a HUGE difference

no i cant because he doesnt have internet. HUGE difference.