Neighbor died..

[daletom]

Our next door neighbour died this morning ...
His wife now has the farm and two young kids ...

You are growing up, young lady. Let me put on my parent's hat & speak to you.

I have buried my parent; I have buried my child. I held my kids when they took their first breaths; I held my father when he took his last. Without lapsing into insubstantive mysticism I will say that this seems to complete a sacred circle. There is a mystery at death (Can I say "miracle" here, without being scorned for my faith?) that is no lesser in magnitude, though of a different nature, than the miracle at birth.

I say this because of a trend I observe among both young people and those of my generation. (If this doesn't apply to you, please forgive my presumptiveness but I think this is important to say.) I've heard many folks say they don't want to be present at a death, especially of a parent. This is the same (perhaps) well-intentioned but misguided thinking that excluded parents from being present at a birth, just a couple generations ago. (Fathers were herded off to a well-removed waiting room, and mothers were anesthetized into oblivion for half a day.) Fortunately attitudes changed as my generation came of age and I was told (I believe correctly) that I should be there when my kids were born - even the one who would soon succomb to birth complications.

But nobody told me that I should be present when my father passed over. In fact some seem to have an attitude of "That's very sad, and I love him and will miss him, but I'll wait outside for these few minutes if you don't mind.". So now I encourage you, if at all possible, to be with your significant people in their last days, hours, and minutes. Whether they are conscious or not. Don't worry about the embarassment, sadness, or general yuckiness. Irregardless of schedules, careers, or children (I think they should be there, too). Of course Death doesn't publish his schedule (as you just observed) so this isn't always possible but please take this suggestion to heart.

[daletom]

. . . His wife now has the farm and two young kids...

i wish the best for his family. ; ;

I imagine this is ESPECIALLY brutal for a young family.

Based on my mother's experience following my dad's death (he was almost 70, and the kids were grown and gone) the worst part may be around 6 months from now. The callers and letters will have stopped. Neither her husband, nor his passing, will be mentioned in conversation. The legal matters of estate settlement will be concluded. It may appear to her that everybody's life has returned to "normal" - except hers. There may be times of the day when she is beset by the feeling that HE will be "coming home any minute now", even though she knows otherwise.

She will certainly appreciate cards, flowers, or a delivered, home-cooked meal NOW - but she will REALLY need your support and assistance during that time 6 to 18 months from now.

[dreamer101]

:'-( .....

[Tiay]

aw, that was very moving, dale.

it's so sad. The strangest thing was that my family of course was at her house that morning, and the kids seemed happy. And they had been told. I'd have thought a ten year old (I think.. around that anyway) would.. be able to understand? Maybe he wasn't really told properly.. still you'd think he'd catch on to everybody behaving unusually and being sad.
There was a family disagreement years back, and for reasons that are too irrelevant and private to explain, one part of the family lived further along the road (our next-next-door neighbors, so to speak) and i'm told that one person from that house has been coming to the widow and being mean/scary. It's really sad. I think she's going to move nearer to her family, as the farm was really her husbands... don't know though.


----

I can't believe people were discouraged from being there at birth!! that's horrible. Not only does it just seem natural for the father to be there, but i've also read that a lot of brain chemistry stuff happens in both parents that helps form a strong bond.

I was born at home (a few feet from where i'm sitting right now, actually), and the doctor only arrived after I was born. So.. my dad delivered me 0_o.. wow, I really never thought of that! Just seemed normal.
My mom had a distant relationship with her father (also complicated and private), but she still flew back to visit him when he was close to going.

[daletom]

I can't believe people were discouraged from being there at birth!! that's horrible. Not only does it just seem natural for the father to be there, but i've also read that a lot of brain chemistry stuff happens in both parents that helps form a strong bond.

I can't speak about the "brain chemistry stuff" but among the 3 or 4 most vivid memories in my super-annuated mind is the scene right after our last kid was born. ("Paul the Small" is now a 6'2" food processor, almost 18.)

Some friends were keeping our 2 older kids (almost 9 and 6 yrs old). They came to the hospital after church, arriving about 20 minutes after he was born. He was nursing on my wife and we allowed his brother & sister to join us in the delivery room. They were, of course, fascinated by the new brother and the process of breast feeding. I was half-laying on the hospital bed, holding my wife. For some reason that image of all 5 of us crowded together there seems to define us as a "family".

(I don't think we had named him yet. My wife was afraid I'd name him "Noel". That seemed pretty natural to me. After all, he was born on Sept 25 which means that he started out as SOMEBODY'S Christmas present. But she didn't want him going thru life giving that explanation for where his name came from . . . )

I'm curious whether I'll feel similarly when his older sister ("Baby Joy") makes me a grandfather in a few weeks. It sure feels strange to see my own kid pregnant!

I was born at home (a few feet from where i'm sitting right now, actually), and the doctor only arrived after I was born. So.. my dad delivered me 0_o.. wow, I really never thought of that! Just seemed normal.

I envy your Dad for that experience. I know there are serious risks - Our own first child became an emergency Caesarean delivery, and we lost her to the birth complications. If I had been "in charge" when that happened, I'm sure I'd have a LOT more doubt, guilt and fear about it.

[daletom]

... after at least 22 years here we're still "the germans" hehe...

I've already hijacked this thread in half a dozen different directions, but I think your comment is rather interesting. Historically the (Catholic) Irish and (Anglican) English have been at each others' throats for nearly 4 centuries (Wasn't it in the early 1600's when King Billy prevailed at The Boyne?) But considering that the Irish and the Germans opposed each other in the relatively recent Second World War, I'm a bit surprised your family was accepted at all! There might be the basis for a sociological study there . . .

[Tiay]

There are some memories that just seem to stay vivid in your mind forever. I don't think that the fathers who weren't there are somehow forever scarred or something, but they sure did miss something amazing. I don't know enough about the brain to truly understand the chemistry thing, but it's just not surprising that monumental events and strong feelings show up physically as chemicals/signals/activity in the brain. When I say that people seem to think that this de-values those things, but I don't believe that it does at all.

I envy your Dad for that experience. I know there are serious risks - Our own first child became an emergency Caesarean delivery, and we lost her to the birth complications.

I'm sorry to hear that. My parents decided to take that risk I suppose. I'd also hate to think what hospitals were like in Ireland 20 years ago..

[Tiay]

I've already hijacked this thread in half a dozen different directions, but I think your comment is rather interesting. Historically the (Catholic) Irish and (Anglican) English have been at each others' throats for nearly 4 centuries (Wasn't it in the early 1600's when King Billy prevailed at The Boyne?) But considering that the Irish and the Germans opposed each other in the relatively recent Second World War, I'm a bit surprised your family was accepted at all! There might be the basis for a sociological study there . . .

oops, didn't see this post before. Hm, i'm not good at history, but as far as I know Ireland was 'neutral' in the war. Or at least, the citizens believe we are always neutral, which is why letting the US fighter jets land at shannon airport caused such uproar.
The Irish who emigrated to Britan to work were often not treated well, and hence they know how hard it is to move somewhere and try to fit in. There is something to the tale that the Irish are hospitable. It was probably luck, too, to have such welcoming neighbours, who did not discriminate against us even though we didn't go to church.
The younger generation is not as 'hospitable' at all-- you hear about polish/east european students being attacked in Dublin sometimes.

[daletom]

. . . Hm, i'm not good at history, but as far as I know Ireland was 'neutral' in the war. . .

Thank you for graciously correcting me on that point. You are correct. I had been under the impression that the Commonwealth nations (didn't Ireland remain in the Commonwealth after independence, until the 1950's?) sided with Britain.

The Irish who emigrated to Britan to work were often not treated well . . . you hear about polish/east european students being attacked in Dublin sometimes.

I fear that is, unfortunately, the situation faced by nearly all immigrant groups throughout history. When 1 or 2 families settle in a community they may be objects of curiosity and considered to practice "strange" customs but there is seldom any ill-will or hostility. When there are enough people to be identified as a "group" an Us-vs.-Them mentality seems to spontaneously develop.

We're experiencing that in St Louis right now - a lot of Balkan emmigrants (mostly Bosnians) have settled in some areas of the city. I'm no sociologist, but my impression is that they have actually stabilized a few decaying neighborhoods. Unfortunately they've not only created envy and resentment for doing so, but also brought some of their own prejudices and feuds with them.

I guess my attempt at being part of the solution rather than part of the problem involves being a host family for international students studying English at a private language school in the area. In the last 2 years we've had Japanese, Koreans, Taiwanese and a Brazilian for a month or two each. Some have been more sociable than others but we've learned from all of them and been surprised by some of their pre-conceptions.

Several were amazed that most American farm families are in the middle-class. One marveled that it was safe to drink and cook with water straight from the faucet. I know the U.S. has a problem with racial prejudice, but one student expended considerable effort to avoid interactions with "those black guys" (his words). About a week after he came to live with us, he realized that one of our neighbors is a family of "those black guys". I hope we at least started developing some tolerance in him.

[Junket]

That's the suck.

Just remember the good times.

[Gigabitch]

So sad. Poor wife, Poor kids. Good thing they have good neighbors to help them.

Tiay, if you'd been out walking the dog, you'd have witnessed it, or been killed as well.

[Cocnot]

It is really??

[Tiay]

Tiay, if you'd been out walking the dog, you'd have witnessed it, or been killed as well.

I wouldn't have gone into the field of course, but yeah, you're right. I can report the wife and kids are doing ok, asking us what computer she should buy for the kids

I had been under the impression that the Commonwealth nations (didn't Ireland remain in the Commonwealth after independence, until the 1950's?) sided with Britain.

well, they gave British pilots who ended up in Ireland for whatever reason (bad navigation?) safe passage back to the UK, whereas they kept the Germans for labour. Which is why I put neutral in quotation marks. hm, according to [URL="http://www.reform.org/TheReformMovement_files/article_files/articles/leavcw.htm"]this[/URL] excessively long article I skimmed over it says they left in 1948, but didn't attended the meetings after 1936.

I fear that is, unfortunately, the situation faced by nearly all immigrant groups throughout history. When 1 or 2 families settle in a community they may be objects of curiosity and considered to practice "strange" customs but there is seldom any ill-will or hostility. When there are enough people to be identified as a "group" an Us-vs.-Them mentality seems to spontaneously develop.

sad yet true. Maybe there are simply so few Germans in Ireland that we're still a curiosity rather than a 'threat'.

We're experiencing that in St Louis right now - a lot of Balkan emmigrants (mostly Bosnians) have settled in some areas of the city. I'm no sociologist, but my impression is that they have actually stabilized a few decaying neighborhoods. Unfortunately they've not only created envy and resentment for doing so, but also brought some of their own prejudices and feuds with them.

wow, I see "Balkans in St Louis" gets a lot of search results. Why do a lot of them come to St Louis specifically? I suppose once there is a community established, more want to come join it.
A nearby [URL="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ballyhaunis"]town[/URL] here is a magnet for immigrant workers. It had the first purpose built Mosque in Ireland, and though it only has about 1,500 residents, lots of people commute to it. You'd never guess it seeing the town itself. It's kind of neat because there are new exotic food stores in town now

I guess my attempt at being part of the solution rather than part of the problem involves being a host family for international students studying English at a private language school in the area. In the last 2 years we've had Japanese, Koreans, Taiwanese and a Brazilian for a month or two each. Some have been more sociable than others but we've learned from all of them and been surprised by some of their pre-conceptions.

hm, I can imagine. Almost sounds like a way to travel and talk to the locals, without travelling (: I wish my family could do that, but we just live too far from .. well, everything. You'd have to drive everywhere.

Several were amazed that most American farm families are in the middle-class.

ooo, don't worry, soon enough we'll all be either stinking poor or stinking rich!

One marveled that it was safe to drink and cook with water straight from the faucet. I know the U.S. has a problem with racial prejudice, but one student expended considerable effort to avoid interactions with "those black guys" (his words). About a week after he came to live with us, he realized that one of our neighbors is a family of "those black guys". I hope we at least started developing some tolerance in him.

It'd be funny if it wasn't sad.